Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

[Bri102]

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

Have you filled the forms in yet????
Have you filled the forms in yet????
Please fill in the claim forms.

Discount anything the grandmother says - she's under pressure from her son. If she walks out of your son's life, your son won't miss her.

The baby exists, he has two biological parents, both should contribute to his upbringing, even if (in the sperm donor's case) only financially.

Don't be afraid. You won't be depriving your son of anything worthwhile if you continue with your claim.

The sperm-donor hasn't a leg to stand on - he knew he had a dick and he chose not to cover it.

Urgh, no one gets to have consequence free sex. The pill is famously not 100% effective. But men want to have all the pleasure and leave the woman all the responsibility.
For the poster above worrying about how the father will afford maintenance for a third child..... it'll be taken into consideration, maintenance for his other children may be reduced and he'll have plenty left over. While mum spends every last penny on her son.

Claim with the CMS and ignore the man apologists on this thread. You did the work for your contraception, he chose not to do it for him - he took the risk, now he pays.

Accept the poor excuse won't be a father to your son and claim that CMS. Forget 'Nan' as she's just as bad as him imho and if you give in on this it'll be the first in a long line of emotional blackmail to keep you toeing the line. If she can turn her back on him that easily she's not worth having. And he wouldn't make her choose because his ex would no doubt wonder why the kids haven't seen grandma and he or her would have to explain and expose his shoddy behaviour. I wouldn't be impressed with my ex treating another woman and half sibling of my children like crap, whilst it wouldn't impact their relationship I'd certainly see that person differently.

If he didn’t want the responsibilities of a child then he shouldn’t have decided to make a child.

Get the maintenance sorted, tell his mum to go fuck herself and enjoy your little one.

As for nan I am going to chat with her tomorrow, which ultimately is going to end up with me saying she can't have contact with my son, which is the last thing I ever wanted to do, but my son deserves constants in his life. Dreading it!!!

No don’t say that. If she walks it’s because she made that choice. Keep the conversation open and say she’s welcome anytime to see him in the future.

He willingly had sex, therefore he's responsible for his child. Claim it and move on.

@gogohm

I can see both points of view. You were on contraception it failed, yes this happens and he could have taken double precautions but let's face it most of us don't. You chose to continue against his will so you can't be surprised he doesn't want to be in his dcs life. The tricky issue of maintenance is different, you can claim and morally he should offer but from your description sounds like he has other kids too - how much would he be ordered to pay, if very low is it worth it?

Nope, it takes two to make a baby. Forcing a woman to have an abortion after the fact, is not a male form of contraception. We all know it’s women who get pregnant, we all know it’s her choice after that happens, so rather than playing victim, men need to take some responsibility whilst they still have choices.

The idea that a man can have unprotected sex, and then walk away because he couldn’t force a woman to have an abortion is disgusting. It also of course means that women have to deal with the consequences no matter what option they go for, and men don’t.

YANBU. Claim it for your son’s sake. The father sounds nasty and manipulative to send his mother to talk to you and to make her choose. And she sounds weak. I don’t agree about it being immoral to claim what is rightfully yours. The father is an adult, is clearly making many mistakes in life and needs to grow up and take responsibility for them. If anything it’s immoral of him not to pay for his own son and be telling others what to do.

She can choose,but she can't choose for him. Of she chooses to go ahead when he's stated he doesn't want a baby then she can't then expect any contribution or input whatsoever

Err, men stating “I don’t want a baby”, is not a form of contraception. Why are you suggesting that men should be able to have unprotected sex and never face any responsibility? They aren’t the ones who have to go through an abortion are they? If they did, I’m sure they’d be far more keen to wear a condom.

@SimonJT

If he didn’t want the responsibilities of a child then he shouldn’t have decided to make a child.

Get the maintenance sorted, tell his mum to go fuck herself and enjoy your little one.

100%

Please claim via CMS.

What an utter arsehole. And an enabling mum.

Least he can do is support his child financially, a child he took the risk of conceiving when he had sex with you.

Definitely claim maintenance, but I would go easy on Nan. Presumably she already has a stronger bond with her 2 older DGC & sees them regularly. Her son is blackmailing her over that. You should advise her to reach out to her exDIL to maintain contact with the DGC if necessary. Although if exDP is true to form, I expect most of his contact time relies on Nan doing the actual childcare so in reality he’s unlikely to cut her out.

In fact you might want to get in contact with the mother of his other kids yourself - after all they are your son’s half-sibs.

Claim the maintenance. He should've worn a condom. Cripes, what a pathetic excuse for a human being. And his mother is spineless. She should be giving him a clip round the ear and telling him to face up to his responsibilities rather than pandering to his emotional blackmail.

She’s not the sort of vile woman you want in your life @Bri102 if she’ll condone that behaviour.
You deserve that money and are entitled to it so go to the CMS. He’s had his jollies and now he needs to cough up. He had the chance to wear protection but presumably didn’t so he had so accept this is what can happen, did he not do sex education at school? I get it’s frustrating for me as when the woman gets pregnant they feel as though things are out of their hands but they don’t seem to realise that it’s their responsibility to help stop pregnancy from happening if they don’t want it. Good luck.

YANBU. Children aren’t pay per view.

He’s 32. He’s old enough to know how babies are made. If he didn’t want one he should’ve used a condom. His mum is a disgrace too. She’s allowing herself to be manipulated by the disgusting man that she raised with no morals. You and your son are better off without any of them in your life.

Hi DID have a choice, he chose to have sex.

No contraception is 100% effective, you just made the decision at a later date.

You ex has a moral duty to support his child (or children) both financially and emotionally.

Financially is the minimum and he should be willing to pay.

His mother is being blackmailed and I feel sorry for her.

Let his mum know she is welcome to continue to have contact with her grandson.

Men really piss me off when they say, "I never wanted a child so I'm not paying" so they some how feel it is fair for the taxpayer to pay for their child. Why the hell should I pay for your ex's child?

I realise you are working and may not be claiming benefits but the principal is the same.

Claim maintenance for this one. Be more fussy in future about whom you choose to procreate.

His mother sounds as disgusting as him so I wouldn't want my child to have a relationship with either and, yes, he has to pay.

Claim maintenance, its not for you its for your son. You have to do this on his behalf so he can have an improved standard of living. If the father didn't want children he should have sorted birth control himself or got the snip.

This is the situation that I was in when I was pregnant with my son.
His father wanted a termination, I said no and kept the baby.
He denied he was his child at birth and then went nuts when I claimed maintenance.
His mother supported him and called me 'despicable' for keeping my son and 'ruining her sons life'.
My ex has 2 other children whom he sees regularly and pays maintenance for.
You deserve better, your son deserves better than these people.
Tell the mother to do one of she wants to make a choice and claim maintenance. It's your sons right to that money for you to raise him.

You absolutely don't have the right to force this man or any of his family go have a relationship with your son.

You absolutely owe it to your son to claim child maintenance.

He's not a pet (ffs-you can't compare legal ownership of an animal to the massive responsibility of having a child) he's a wonderful baby.

However small the amount you get towards the costs of raising him, however small the relief it gives in providing that - your son deserves to have that benefit if that relief. If you choose not to claim you are choosing to deprive him of that.

Always go child-centred when dealing with this fuckwit as he seems magnificently able to place himself first and foremost.

If he is currently paying maintenance for 2 dc, he will be paying 16% of his income. If you add your ds on he will have to pay 19%, so in reality he is quibbling over 3% of his wages. The maintenance would be taken/shared from the other 2 docs mother's claim.

@Snaketime

I'm sorry but although he is going the very wrong way about it, I do see his point. Yes he made the choice to have sex, but he made it very clear he didn't want the baby, you chose to carry in with the pregnancy in the knowledge that he didn't want to be dad or have the baby, therefore he is your son, you responsibility and he was nothing more than a sperm donor.

this ! exactly this ! it takes 2 to make a baby and it should take 2 to decide wether to keep it or not , too many women sleeping around with men they hardly know , getting pregnant and deciding fuck what he thinks I'm keeping it and then go on to claim as much money as they can ! why can't women be self sufficient nothing more satisfying than bringing up your child on your own ! you don't need his money you chose to do this by yourself so do it