Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

[Bri102]

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

I can see her point tbh. I think it would be best to take control and walk away from this mess before your child gets any older. A 6 month old won't remember them.

He already has 2 children, how old is he? Why is he behaving like such a tool?
Claim maintenance and let his mother make her own decisions. I actually feel a bit sorry for her having a blackmailing son like that.

Yes, claim the maintenance Op.
His family sound dysfunctional and you don't need that in your child's life anyway. He doesn't need someone who just pops in and out, he needs someone who can provide love and support consistently. You are the right person for the job.

I also agree about researching why you were drawn to such a tosspot, don’t let it happen again.

How the hell are men 'discriminated against' by not having as many contraceptive choices? They can abstain, use condoms or get a vasectomy. Male pills have never caught on because of side effects, similar to those women deal with, we're deemed too much and more importantly, because no woman I know would rely on the man having taken it at the right time, thought about issues like illness or medication compromising it because ultimately, as this instance shows, men can walk away much much more easily. An abortion is not an easy choice or process that women can just pop in for. OP claim it, absolutely but I would not try hard to keep these people in your sons life unless there is a 180° in their attitude.

I think your child has had a lucky escape with this family tbh. I’m not sure why people think this is in some way your fault? You didn’t make a baby all by yourself?

Men can wear something if they want to be extra careful, or abstain? No one is forcing them into sex I get an injection every 12 weeks, boyfriend has never seen me do it but trusts me, clearly your ex isn’t a nice man, nor is his mother.

Claim it. What bastards. I'm sorry, OP.

I can see both points of view. You were on contraception it failed, yes this happens and he could have taken double precautions but let's face it most of us don't. You chose to continue against his will so you can't be surprised he doesn't want to be in his dcs life. The tricky issue of maintenance is different, you can claim and morally he should offer but from your description sounds like he has other kids too - how much would he be ordered to pay, if very low is it worth it?

Claim CM. Youve had an early warning that his mum is going to try to manipulate you long term, so its best she's not in your son's life any way. She would be toxic and more likely to damage your DS emotionally long term.

Go to the CMS, get it setup and write off his family. If your son wants them in his life when he's older that will be his choice and you can be there to pick up the pieces.

The mum does not have a point. It takes two to make a baby. He should not have had unprotected sex with you if he didn't want to risk a pregnancy. She is a flying monkey sent to emotionally blackmail you. Be thankful you won't have to deal with her and treat her as someone to be very wary of.

You and your son can have your own amazing little family

Claim maintenance,make sure you keep anything in writing that may help any cases in the future relating to him/paternity/contact etc. He needs to take responsibility.

His mum needs to grow a backbone and tell her son how awful he's being, blackmailing her and threatening to take away contact from the other kids. What a lovely son she's raised.

I would also be stopping contact with his mum for pressuring you to drop the maintenance claim, your little boy won't remember her at this stage.

They are discriminated against because they only have permanent contraception or condoms giving women complete control.

Or they could choose to abstain from sex if they don’t want it to result in a pregnancy.

Absolutely claim the CMS, OP.

Child maintenance isn't about you and it isn't about him. It is about the child's right to be supported by both parents.
Go through CSA or whatever it's called.

Whether he wanted the child or not is neither here nor there. The child exists and has a set of rights independent of the parents.

Even if you stop the CMS claim, he won't bother with your son. His mum might, but would you still welcome that after she's blackmailed you?

I would 100% continue with the CMS claim. If he doesn't want kids, he needs to take responsibility for protection. Why wasn't he using a condom?

I'm sorry but although he is going the very wrong way about it, I do see his point. Yes he made the choice to have sex, but he made it very clear he didn't want the baby, you chose to carry in with the pregnancy in the knowledge that he didn't want to be dad or have the baby, therefore he is your son, you responsibility and he was nothing more than a sperm donor.

I would think about why you’re wanting to expose your child to these people under the guise of “famileeeee”

@Snaketime

I'm sorry but although he is going the very wrong way about it, I do see his point. Yes he made the choice to have sex, but he made it very clear he didn't want the baby, you chose to carry in with the pregnancy in the knowledge that he didn't want to be dad or have the baby, therefore he is your son, you responsibility and he was nothing more than a sperm donor.

You aren't sorry, you're an apologist for his shabby behaviour. If he doesn't want a baby, he should take control of his own contraception.

Your choices: money or grandmother for your son
Her choices: 1 grandchild or 2
His choices: take responsibility or sulk
Your child's choices: none

Put in a claim through CMS with absolutely no guilt whatsoever.

If Granny doesn't want to play a part in her grandson's life - that's on her not you

@Snaketime

I'm sorry but although he is going the very wrong way about it, I do see his point. Yes he made the choice to have sex, but he made it very clear he didn't want the baby, you chose to carry in with the pregnancy in the knowledge that he didn't want to be dad or have the baby, therefore he is your son, you responsibility and he was nothing more than a sperm donor.

This. You can't expect to make him pay when he made it clear he didn't want the baby. You chose to go ahead so it's your responsibility op.

Claim it immediately today. And congrats on your beautiful son OP.

I tell my sons that every single time they have sexual they should consider the fact that it may result in a pregnancy, the consequences of which they will have to deal with, whatever they are.

Maybe she should have also told her son that?

*have sex

Don’t let him off the hook, he needs to support his child. You are perfectly within your rights and need to put your baby first. If he doesn’t want anything to do with your DS that’s his choice but he needs to provide financial support. Be strong OP 💪💪💪

You can't expect to make him pay when he made it clear he didn't want the baby. You chose to go ahead so it's your responsibility op

Wow.

It's like a woman's right to choose never happened...