Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

[Bri102]

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

Of course you should claim child maintenance. If he doesn't want children he shouldn't go around having sex with women or should go and have a vasectomy.
An abortion is not a casual method of birth control.
Its about time he started taking responsibility as a man and a father.
Go for it. Why the hell should you have to shoulder the financial burden alone.
My ex hopped off abroad to avoid maintenance and we lived in terrible hardship and my son suffered as a result. Your child has done nothing wrong and shouldn't live in poverty because his father is too pathetic to pay for his upkeep.

And break off contact with the grandmother too. Do you want your son to grow up hearing he should have been an abortion?

Fucks sake all these dick panderers. "Oh he's been having unprotected casual sex, how dare you make him take responsibility for his actions? " And these will be the same women who denigrate single mothers and scroungers and gold diggers. please bore off.

OP the CM is for your son. I agree with PPs go to CMS, but try to understand why you are attracted to men who are not good for you. Keep the mother out of your son's life, she doesn't have his best interests at heart.

Claim maintenance.

Claim maintenance.

Claim maintenance.

He's not interested in a relationship with your child. His loss.

She is interested in a relationship with your child but only if you dance to the tune she/he is trying to play. That's emotional/financial blackmail. Do you or your child need a person like that in your lives?

PS CLAIM MAINTENANCE

@FlowerArranger

You can't expect to make him pay when he made it clear he didn't want the baby. You chose to go ahead so it's your responsibility op

Wow.

It's like a woman's right to choose never happened...

Totally. The bloke chose not to use a condom but it's all on the OP. FFS.

@FlowerArranger

You can't expect to make him pay when he made it clear he didn't want the baby. You chose to go ahead so it's your responsibility op

Wow.

It's like a woman's right to choose never happened...

She can choose,but she can't choose for him. Of she chooses to go ahead when he's stated he doesn't want a baby then she can't then expect any contribution or input whatsoever.

She can't choose for him? The baby can. Once a child exists that child has rights. One of which is to be provided for by the parents. People seem to forget the person at the centre is not the father, is not the mother. It's the child.

Thankfully the law does not accept 'but I told her to abort' as a valid reason for not contributing to feeding a child that is biologically yours.

You owe it to your DS to claim CM.

These are not people you want in your life. Imagine a grandmother saying you should have aborted her grandchild!
Claim of course via CMS and never see them again.

Thankyou all for the time you've taken to respond, it is a very rubbish situation for my son he deserves so much better than this. To answer a few question some of you have asked. He is 32 and not against having anymore children as he told me if I had an abortion we could try for another in say 2 years or so, he also said if he gets together with another woman who expressed their desire for a child he would not deprive her of one. So it is just my son he didn't want for a reason he has never told me of, just he doesn't want a baby right now. I did in fact ask him to use a condom alongside the contraception I was using but he declined as so many men do, yes some of the blame is on me as I should have insisted alot more but I trusted the contraception I was using, stupidly. So yeah I think maybe I need to look into why I thought he was a good partner 🤦‍♀️

As for nan I am going to chat with her tomorrow, which ultimately is going to end up with me saying she can't have contact with my son, which is the last thing I ever wanted to do, but my son deserves constants in his life. Dreading it!!!

Pregnancy can be the consequence of sex - even if contraception is used.

You are rising up to this and dealing with it like a grown up. He's not.

Claim the maintenance.

The law says otherwise @ChunkySloth

Say for example while you were together your ex bought a dog. You said you didn't want the dog. You split and he said you have to help pay the dogs vet fees / buy food / maybe walk the dog. You wouldn't would you. Imagine having to do that for 20 years. If you knew the ex couldn't afford the dog or couldn't look after him properly by himself then maybe as a decent person you would offer help and money. It's a hard one as he didn't want the baby and told you this and most men wouldn't wear a condom if they knew the woman was on contraception. Morally now your son is here I don't know how he can just forget he exists or at least not give you some money for food clothes nappies etc.

I too see her point. You got pregnant on the pill, supposedly, and then decided not to have an abortion. You made that decision with the clear indication that he wanted nothing to do with the child. You could have opted to abort, very early, and then wait to meet someone who did want to be a father. You do have some responsibility in the outcome of your choice.

At the same time, he was just an idiot. Why do guys who really really don't want to be fathers not take precautions is beyond me. We know the pill is not 100%, we know that it is easy to not take it properly and make it even less so, we know that women get very broody and will claim to be on the pill when not and hoping to fall pregnant. It is definitely his responsibility that you fell pregnant in the first place.

Legally, his error means that he has to pay, end of. So yes, go ahead. It's not clear if he is married with kids and only his mum knows because you contacted her, or he just really want no link to you at all, but ultimately, this is between his mum and him. You can't however be upset that your child will not have a father and possibly no relationship with any of his side of the family when you decided to continue with a pregnancy knowing how he felt.

Claim child maintenance, but FGS get your contraception sorted before you bring a third fatherless child into this world.

@Whoarethewho

Claim CMS that is your right. but Men really need proper contraception choices to stop this. They are discriminated against because they only have permanent contraception or condoms giving women complete control. Personally I would only have sex with someone who has the implant and you can feel it before DTD for proof and even then double protect with condoms. And dispose of them appropriately because the contents of that little bag of latex could you you paying out many thousands and potentially taking pay increases in the future.

A wild MRA appeared.

Claim maintenance through cps. It will be better as you won't need contact with him and the money will automatically be paid in your account . It's not fair for your child to not grow up with his basic needs being met . You can still not have a relationship with his family and him if that's better for you and your son

Claim it. CM is not yours, it is your child's by right.

@ChunkySloth
The “father” did make a choice - as soon as he agreed to have sex, there was a chance of a pregnancy. He accepted that chance by having sex, and refused to reduce the risk by using a condom despite being asked to.

Luckily, your view is not the legal view - legally, he contributed to the pregnancy, so he is financially responsible for the resultant child.

By the way - are you male? Just wondering….

Your son's father has obviously got to his mum with the ultimation and she is parroting his opinion. Very unfair of him to put her in the middle.

But ultimately it was your DS's dad's choice to have sex and with that a risk of conception. With that comes responsibility. So definitely pursue CM. It's a shame DS's grandmother has chosen not to be part of his life but at least it is while he is so young. I would cut all contact with her now as you don't want to run the risk of her wanting to be involved again and then changing her mind when your DS is older and causing upset for your DS.

Good luck, OP.

@RevolvingPivot

Say for example while you were together your ex bought a dog. You said you didn't want the dog. You split and he said you have to help pay the dogs vet fees / buy food / maybe walk the dog. You wouldn't would you. Imagine having to do that for 20 years. If you knew the ex couldn't afford the dog or couldn't look after him properly by himself then maybe as a decent person you would offer help and money. It's a hard one as he didn't want the baby and told you this and most men wouldn't wear a condom if they knew the woman was on contraception. Morally now your son is here I don't know how he can just forget he exists or at least not give you some money for food clothes nappies etc.

Are you honestly trying to make a comparison between a pet and a CHILD? F’ing hell.

Claim maintenance, and don't worry if his GM chooses not to see him, because she clearly does not have your DS's interests at heart.

I would not have gone ahead with this pregnancy and I can understand that your ex is angry that he relied on your assurance that you were using effective birth control, and then made clear that he did not want the pregnancy to continue. However...too bad. If he really doesn't want more DC he needs to use a condom every time and then these situations will not arise.

I can't believe some people on this thread.
Men get to choose where to stick their dicks. Legally and morally that's what they get to choose for their body.
Similarly, the woman chooses what to do with her body. Whose dick she allows, whether to abort or carry any pregnancy.
Then, any child's right to be supported by both parents comes into it.
Nobody is being discriminated against here apart from the child who has now been rejected by their sperm donor.
This really shouldn't need spelling out.

now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance what a bizarre excuse not to meet his child.

Anyway. You are best off not having contact with either of them. His mum is trying to emotionally blackmail you. If he didn't want a child he should have used his own protection.

Go to CMS and let them handle it.

he told me if I had an abortion we could try for another in say 2 years or so

Btw he told you this to persuade you to have a termination. If you had done so he would have run like the wind before it could happen again.