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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

406 replies

Bri102 · 25/07/2021 09:31

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 25/07/2021 19:39

[quote TheWeeDonkey]@pheonixrebirth its one of the most fucking stupid thing I've read on here. Down there with harvesting sperm and then sterilising men and making people sign legal contracts before getting pregnant Confused[/quote]
Baffling isn't it, that a woman would think this way?

My favourite part being the expectation that women should abstain during the time of the month their libido is highest simply so the poor men don't have to take any responsibility and you know wear a condom. Almost like it's not a woman having such thoughts, as they seem woefully ignorant about the menstrual cycle.

ohdelay · 25/07/2021 19:45

This is all down to the dad. His family will back him up as he's their POS. Sucks for your son, but make your decision based on the best thing for your family.

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 19:46

take him to the fucking cleaners

There’s no need to ‘take him to the fucking cleaners’.
If OP goes for maintenance it’ll be for her child, not to punish him.

TheWeeDonkey · 25/07/2021 19:55

Baffling indeed @ILoveYou3000

Lostandlonely94 · 25/07/2021 20:03

@OverTheRubicon- what the actual f**k has my username got to do with having an opinion of men being forced into paying CMS for a child they openly stated they did not want.

My username was selected when I wrote a post about my relationship with my mother. I’ve got no issue with loneliness when I have an amazing fiancé & two wonderful children.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/07/2021 20:06

I suppose you are entitled to claim maintenance but this is one of those situations where (my fault I know) I will never understand why women go ahead with a pregnancy with a useless bloke who does not want the baby and makes that clear, knowing they themselves won't be able to manage financially with another child.

I mean if he is already paying for 2 kids I expect you will get piss all from him even via CMS. Have you got a back up plan for how you can manage if he dodges paying anything at all?

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 20:11

[quote Lostandlonely94]**@OverTheRubicon*- what the actual f*k has my username got to do with having an opinion of men being forced into paying CMS for a child they openly stated they did not want.

My username was selected when I wrote a post about my relationship with my mother. I’ve got no issue with loneliness when I have an amazing fiancé & two wonderful children.[/quote]
So you say..

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 20:13

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I suppose you are entitled to claim maintenance but this is one of those situations where (my fault I know) I will never understand why women go ahead with a pregnancy with a useless bloke who does not want the baby and makes that clear, knowing they themselves won't be able to manage financially with another child.

I mean if he is already paying for 2 kids I expect you will get piss all from him even via CMS. Have you got a back up plan for how you can manage if he dodges paying anything at all?

I'm sure OP and her child will be fine, just like the many other single Parents who cope.
Lostandlonely94 · 25/07/2021 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

pheonixrebirth · 25/07/2021 20:25

[quote TheWeeDonkey]@pheonixrebirth its one of the most fucking stupid thing I've read on here. Down there with harvesting sperm and then sterilising men and making people sign legal contracts before getting pregnant Confused[/quote]
I know! I'm at a loss for words that a woman could even suggest this. It's all on us women, absolutely no responsibility for the man🤬
What really makes me laugh is that if we women don't want to get pregnant, we take the steps of going to the doctors, have a health check, discuss contraception options, say that you understand the risks of certain contraception options/methods. If you decide to go on the pill you then go to the pharmacy to get said prescription. Then have to go for regular health checks every 6 months at the very least because y,now you might start suffering with high blood pressure which puts you at risk of strokes or the odd time death.
But a man who doesn't want to have baby can't nip to the shop for a pack of condoms??????
It's just so so depressing and just another thing that women are forced to deal with because a man can't be bothered or even worse "it doesn't feel as good" wah wah wah!

You would think that if the men who really believe we are a bunch of harpies on the prowl just waiting for our next victim, to steal his precious life essence, to trap them financially or otherwise, that they might think to themselves "I better nip to Tesco's before date night"? Surely?

The other thing is that if there was a male pill- how many of us would truly trust a man to take it? I know I wouldn't because like most situations in life with a lot of men, if they can't be arsed or it doesn't suit them or it's no fun for them- it doesn't get done. And let's be honest the biggest portion of responsibility/consequences is on the woman life, body,career, especially if the man decides "fuck that,I'm off", but god forbid he should be made to put his hand in his pocket. That would be just too much for the poor lamb

Rainy365 · 25/07/2021 20:26

So a man and woman consent to sex, both knowing that no contraception is 100% safe and there is always a risk of an unwanted pregnancy.

The woman finds out she’s pregnant. Didn’t want a child (just like the man) but when her only options are a potentially traumatic abortion or to continue the pregnancy, she has to deal with the consequences whichever path she takes. She doesn’t get to just walk away from either decision. The consequences of both options will probably stay with her for life.

Yet people here believe the man gets to just walk away with no consequences whatsoever because ‘he doesn’t want it’. Boo hoo. They need to grow up and take responsibility for a situation they 50% contributed to.

Yeah I’m another one disappointed with the male apologists on here. It’s so sad to hear it coming from other women.

RevolvingPivot · 25/07/2021 20:27

But he thought the op was on contraception. How many people use two forms of contraception?

mbosnz · 25/07/2021 20:27

I'm so bloody paranoid about males sabotaging condoms, I suggested to DD she/we ought to be the ones to buy it. . . mainly because I know at least three that have.

mbosnz · 25/07/2021 20:28

@RevolvingPivot

But he thought the op was on contraception. How many people use two forms of contraception?
Not as many as ought, apparently!
QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 20:30

@Lostandlonely94

Still embarrassing yourself..

TrixieThunder · 25/07/2021 20:32

@RevolvingPivot

But he thought the op was on contraception. How many people use two forms of contraception?
If I am not in a long term relationship with a partner I trust explicitly I ALWAYS use two forms of contraception because I care about my sexual health and know accidents happen. I really don’t think I’m an anomaly here.
Rainy365 · 25/07/2021 20:34

But he thought the op was on contraception. How many people use two forms of contraception?

That’s not really a good enough excuse though really, is it? In op’s case it failed, but even if she had lied about it, if the man doesn’t want a child then he needs to do all he can to protect himself and not just leave it up to the woman. Many women take responsibility for themselves so why are so many men not doing the same?

RevolvingPivot · 25/07/2021 20:36

@Rainy365

But he thought the op was on contraception. How many people use two forms of contraception?

That’s not really a good enough excuse though really, is it? In op’s case it failed, but even if she had lied about it, if the man doesn’t want a child then he needs to do all he can to protect himself and not just leave it up to the woman. Many women take responsibility for themselves so why are so many men not doing the same?

Yes I understand and it makes sense. I've been with my husband a long time but I never thought to use two lots of contraception.
QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 20:37

@Rainy365

But he thought the op was on contraception. How many people use two forms of contraception?

That’s not really a good enough excuse though really, is it? In op’s case it failed, but even if she had lied about it, if the man doesn’t want a child then he needs to do all he can to protect himself and not just leave it up to the woman. Many women take responsibility for themselves so why are so many men not doing the same?

Correct Flowers
ILoveYou3000 · 25/07/2021 20:37

@RevolvingPivot

But he thought the op was on contraception. How many people use two forms of contraception?
And everyone knows no form of contraception is 100% effective, so doubling up when you are so adamant you don't want a baby is the right thing to do. This man refused to wear a condom. He abdicated all responsibility for contraception onto the OP. The baby is the consequence of that decision, made by him, which OP is now having to take full responsibility for.
tallduckandhandsome · 25/07/2021 20:40

Hi OP, just checking that you will be claiming maintenance? I think you will but wasn’t 100% clear.

Please don’t put the feelings of twat ex and his twat mum over the wellbeing of your baby. Make sure you go via CMS and do the right thing for your baby.

BasicDad · 25/07/2021 20:52

@rainy365 so many women I've dated on birth control once exclusive have asked to not use condoms. Vast majority offended when I've said no.

Why say no? Because if they accidentally get pregnant (despite being on BC to not have a baby) and change their mind...I have no control. So 100% no. I've been dumped and fizzled out for not agreeing to not use condoms with someone!

I think the problem is, there are as many arsehole men as women out there.

Taliskerskye · 25/07/2021 20:54

@BasicDad
Um well all I can say is that’s a lucky escape for you. Most normal women don’t want to get pregnant without everyone in agreement,
But I guess if you go for those types, perhaps you should go to therapy too.
I don’t know one person that would try to take advantage

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 20:57

Yes I understand and it makes sense. I've been with my husband a long time but I never thought to use two lots of contraception.

I only use two forms of contraception when I have only just started sleeping with someone.
I take the pill because I don’t want to get pregnant and as I am an adult I discuss with my partner how I’d feel if my pill didn’t work and what measures I would take.
I don’t know any couples who are in a relationship that use 2 forms of contraception every time.

Nutellacoconut · 25/07/2021 21:10

You are not being unreasonable.

He should realise, having sex always carries risk of pregnancy because contraception is not a guarantee. And secondly, he has no rights over someone else's body nevermind coercing them in to an abortion.

The money belongs to your child and their upbringing. I think it would be wrong to not take maintenance for your child simply because some man wants to be an ass.

The mother has shown what she will bring - drama. From that perspective, she will be a loss in name only. If she picks one over the other, that is all on her and shame on her.