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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

406 replies

Bri102 · 25/07/2021 09:31

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 25/07/2021 17:37

@CantBeAssed

"QueenBee52...the law says I'm entitled to CSM...however, my ex progressed on to drug dealing when I ended the relationship....are you saying I should "claim anyway" and raise my son on the proceeds of drugs?

Is your ex earning the drug money on PAYE basis or filing tax returns?

CMS won’t actually be able to get any money earned illegally.

mbosnz · 25/07/2021 17:38

The law is saying that the child has the right to financial support from both parents, that the parents cannot abdicate their responsibility to provide for the child - why should the child be the one to suffer detriment for their pleasure?

The 'poor men' - not having the right to shirk their responsibilities to their children, not having the right to force a woman to have an abortion - will nobody think of the men?! They also don't have to go through a termination, or a pregnancy and childbirth - which could be why some of them are so focussed on their personal pleasure, rather than ensuring they take full responsibility for their sexual health, and financial interests, and using condoms, or not having PIV sex.

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 17:38

He told me he didn't want a child. I did write that in the post, you must have missed it.

No I didn’t miss it I was trying to say that unless you have been in OPs situation you can’t say what you would have done. You can say what you probably would have done but it’s completely different actually being in that situation.

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 17:39

@CantBeAssed

Does he pay Tax on his earning them Yes of course He should pay CMS ...

BrandNewHeretic · 25/07/2021 17:39

@toocold54

I'm wondering where all this caping for useless men gets you. Must be awful to be so desperate for a pat on the head.

😂😂 wow some women really can’t cope if someone dares say a man isn’t 100% wrong.

Some women really can't cope if a man has to deal with the consequences of his own actions.

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 17:39

@toocold54

I'm wondering where all this caping for useless men gets you. Must be awful to be so desperate for a pat on the head.

😂😂 wow some women really can’t cope if someone dares say a man isn’t 100% wrong.

Pay CMS and they can do as they please ..

BrandNewHeretic · 25/07/2021 17:41

@toocold54

He told me he didn't want a child. I did write that in the post, you must have missed it.

Love how you haven't been able to reply to any of my valid points.

CantBeAssed · 25/07/2021 17:41

"frazzledasarock...I really despair of MN at times....people just post for the sake of something to say regardless of how naive they sound

mbosnz · 25/07/2021 17:42

Some men, and their apologists, seem to find it particularly difficult to stomach that in this instance, they do not have the right to the final decision. And that the law will seek to protect the child's right to support by both parents, if the woman decides to have that child, whether the sperm donor wants to or not. In fact, it makes them positively toss their toys.

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 17:43

It is a means by which the non-residential parent can contribute (usually) a very small (and often wholly inadequate) amount to the upkeep of a child they have brought into the world.

I agree that maintenance is completely crap and I have posted on several threads over the years supporting the RP rights to get more money.
But I don’t think a man should be forced to have a child if he was honest from the beginning that he didn’t want one. OP made her decision knowing this.
It wouldn’t be completely different if he made her believe he wanted a child or something or if there was no contraception used. I would then be saying she should go for full maintenance but she made a decision based on the fact she would be a lone parent.

TheWeeDonkey · 25/07/2021 17:44

[quote Lostandlonely94]@TheWeeDonkey 😂 I’m not expecting a pat on the head. I just believe in what is fair and I think all these women who are saying equal rights in the work place etc etc. are only interested as long as it serves them.

The law says the woman has a right to claim CMS for her child but the poor man gets shifted with that when he said from the beginning that he was not supporting this decision. The women pretty much trump in all aspects.. can get rid of a baby even if the dad wants the baby, can keep a baby even if the dad doesn’t want the baby.

Maybe having a baby should be more of a legal procedure or contract and all men store their sperm until they are ready to have a baby the woman and man can sign something to say they want to release the sperm to her in order to create a baby but then the man can have a vasectomy so sex is kept for fun not procreation rather than the other way around.

Sperm donation would continue but there would be a different system where men provide their sperm and they sign it away and then women choose from the sperm donations available.[/quote]
Oh here we go evil women wanting equal rights in the workplace while also wanting men to step up, be men and take responsibility for their actions.

How very dare they?

I'm not even going to waste my energy on your plan to farm sperm and then give compulsory vasectomies . All men have to do is step up and take a responsibility for their sexual health. Its not rocket science.

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 17:45

Love how you haven't been able to reply to any of my valid points.

Lol sorry I didn’t realise you wanted me to reply to every single thing you said.
My point is that you said you are/were in the same situation as OP - but you’re not so it’s irrelevant.

mbosnz · 25/07/2021 17:45

So she took responsibility for contraception, he took no responsibility for contraception, but when that contraception failed, he should take no responsibility for his failure to use contraception, and the child should suffer financial detriment because of his laziness, selfishness, and irresponsibility?

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 17:46

It wouldn’t be completely different if he made her believe he wanted a child or something or if there was no contraception used. I would then be saying she should go for full maintenance but she made a decision based on the fact she would be a lone parent.

Nope...

She is pregnant.. She has a baby.. she Claims legally entitled CMS.. the end.

HelenHywater · 25/07/2021 17:49

She didn't force him to have a child though. She accidentally got pregnant. He accidentally got her pregnant. He then said that he wanted her to have a termination or he wouldn't support the child going forward.

She didn't force or trick or coerce him. Together they created a child He is legally obliged to support that child. That's all there is to it.

TheWeeDonkey · 25/07/2021 17:51

@toocold54

I'm wondering where all this caping for useless men gets you. Must be awful to be so desperate for a pat on the head.

😂😂 wow some women really can’t cope if someone dares say a man isn’t 100% wrong.

A man who takes no responsibility for contraception and then refuses to acknowledge the mess hes made is 100% wrong.

Its attitudes like this that make single mothers the scum of the earth while at the same time give feckless men a free pass.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/07/2021 17:54

She chose to continue with the pregnancy after he said he didn't want the baby. Its on her after that point.

He chose not to wear a condom aware that doing so could result in pregnancy. He made his choice at that point. It wasn't up to OP to make it all better and put herself through physical and emotional trauma because the man in question made his choice a few weeks previously when he chose not to use a condom.

Thehop · 25/07/2021 17:55

Like shot would this woman be coming near my baby until she’d proven she would be consistent. How dare she blackmail you?!

Go to cms and cut them off. They are NOT a good example to your boy.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/07/2021 17:56

I just don’t think it is fair for men to be forced into paying when they have made it perfectly known that they do not want to be involved.

It's all about the man in your world isn't it? What about what's fair to the child?

Lostandlonely94 · 25/07/2021 17:56

Legal as in a legal contract because the sperm is taken out of equation with day to day sex. Sperm is stored away for every man to release (however method sperm donation uses) when a woman and man want a baby together (50:50 decision) They both sign to release the form and have equal right and responsibility over any child which is conceived and that is that. Hopefully medically there will be might be a pill or something that men can take to stop sperm being created until he wants to store more. The woman would need to have insemination for the fathers sperm though.

Then sex becomes for fun and fun alone and procreation becomes more of an organised procedure.

Obviously I am making an illogical idea… it might make life easier though 🤨

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 18:00

@Lostandlonely94

Then sex becomes for fun and fun alone and procreation becomes more of an organised procedure.

Obviously I am making an illogical idea… it might make life easier though 🤨

The Male pill has already been developed and is in Trials ...

TrixieThunder · 25/07/2021 18:00

@Lostandlonely94 You are continuing to argue for a men’s rights on a pregnancy he was equally responsible for creating but I haven’t once seen you consider what’s best for the actual CHILD. You would really prefer a helpful child who didn’t ask to be born to lose out before a feckless man didn’t take responsibly before the conception?

TrixieThunder · 25/07/2021 18:00

Helpless*

BasicDad · 25/07/2021 18:02

A lesson to all men (and mothers/fathers of men)

If you want to avoid boilers that "say" they are on the pill (or would magically want to have a baby despite being on them)...wear your own protection. If you meet a woman that tells you it's OK, she's on birth control (anecdotal, but huge %), then insist on condom or leave.

It's like getting in the passenger seat of a car with no seat belt. You have no control.

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 18:02

Its attitudes like this that make single mothers the scum of the earth while at the same time give feckless men a free pass.

As I said I’m a single parent so I will always stick up for single parents.
But that’s irrelevant as OP chose to go through with it knowing she’d be a single parent like I did.

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