Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

[Bri102]

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

If men don’t want to pay for their children.

They can stop having PIV sex

They can use condoms

They can have vasectomies

They can abstain from sex entirely

They have the choices right there. There’s no poor menz suddenly shockingly became fathers completely unaware of how it happened.

Awww. Poor fella can't handle responsibility so he sent his mum to sort you out.

take him to the fucking cleaners

As in

CLAIM.

P.s the apologists in this thread - you're disgusting.

[quote Lostandlonely94]@QueenBee52- at least I’m giving ideas that mean men aren’t just left with this is all your fault so you should pay for it solution.

I’m not going to change my view that men should not be forced to pay for a child they did not want!! How in human nature is that bloody fair?! If money wasn’t a thing (say it didn’t exist) the woman would be accepting that they would be raising the baby alone without support and I bet they would not be any conversation for the two of them to have again.

I don’t think CMS is fair and we can’t all say that we’ve not heard of women abusing contraception because they wish to have a child etc. so sorry if I feel men are hard done by.

They can’t win… they want the baby (tough shit mother doesn’t and has an abortion) and the father doesn’t want a baby (tough shit the mother does so she is keeping it)

Also think men should get the 9 months of maternity/paternity leave like mothers do as well because some dads do want to spend that time with their babies.[/quote]

Do you intend on sharing your views that 'men rule the female body' with your Daughter ?

I personally have never heard of any woman in my friend/social circle getting pregnant ‘accidentally’ on purpose.

I know of a few men who had vasectomies when they decided they wanted no more children.

I’ve already said childbirth is risky so why would a woman choose to go through that alone knowing they may be bringing a baby into a world where that baby ends up with no one.

Labours are traumatic and I say that as someone who has experienced two.. the second one all I could think was what happens to my DD if I die, I’d of left her without a mum however my son did not cross my mind at that time but if he had survived and I did die I’d be leaving them both.

If I didn’t have my fiancé to support them and raise them I’d be royally screwed especially when most women don’t have wills and they don’t have things in place for children if something did happen to them.

@Lostandlonely94

Men are fertile all the time and a vasectomy comes with so many more risks.. a woman is fertile when the egg is released so during the ovulation period.

Maybe every woman should be made to track this regularly so that when they are close to the ovulation time of the month they abstain.

How does this work for women who's peroiods aren't regular?

How does this work for women in sexually coercive relationships?

How difficult is it for a man to wear a condom?

How does policing when women are allowed to have sex prevent the spread of STDs?

Who do you keep going for the most difficult complicated solution when condoms are easily available and fairly straight forward to use?

@Lostandlonely94

I’ve already said childbirth is risky so why would a woman choose to go through that alone knowing they may be bringing a baby into a world where that baby ends up with no one.

Labours are traumatic and I say that as someone who has experienced two.. the second one all I could think was what happens to my DD if I die, I’d of left her without a mum however my son did not cross my mind at that time but if he had survived and I did die I’d be leaving them both.

If I didn’t have my fiancé to support them and raise them I’d be royally screwed especially when most women don’t have wills and they don’t have things in place for children if something did happen to them.

You're Preaching ..

the Law says OP is legally entitled to claim CMS for her Child.. the end 🌸

Women used to not have sex for fear of an unwanted child and the stigma attached to that. If the father was known he was FORCED to live up to his responsibilities and marry the woman, by public option, meaning people were angry about the man leaving a baby fatherless.
Now instead of forcing them to MARRY and man just has to pay some of this wages to that child, Not the mother, the child.
Meaning in the eyes of the country, it doesn't matter how the baby was made, the man gave his sperm and it made a baby.
That's progress for you.

Exactly. Lots of men didn't want HIV but chose not to wear a condom and they don't get to walk away from their bad choices. All these hand wringers whining about women expecting men to step up.

@TheWeeDonkey why just single men out?

Well women do too.

What I'm saying is people saying how terrible and cruel women are to men who refuse to wear condoms as if pregnancy is the worst thing that can happen when you don't use protection.

@QueenBee52- oh well that makes it okay then 🙄

As the OP says she was told it was morally wrong to ask for it and I agree with the father and his mother! It is morally wrong to ask for CMS when he stated he was not going to be involved!

People talk about sexual relationships such as coercion but forcing a man to have a baby he doesn’t want.. apart from a medical procedure which makes it unethical to force it on a woman.. forcing a woman to not have a baby is morally the same thing.

That is my opinion and nothing is going to change that. I sympathise with men so shoot me!

@QueenBee52- oh well that makes it okay then 🙄

Yes it does...

The Law is clear

It's been in the paper this month a few TW have fathered babies and are livid that CS is after them for money. So lets be honest if you GIVE your Sperm, you might have am 18 year long bill.
Also mothers who leave their babies also have to pay CS, so it's not onesided.

@Lostandlonely94

So, in your view a man prioritising his pleasure by choosing not to wear a condom and then walking away from the consequences of that choice is acceptable?

Where do the rights of the child feature in your world?

@Lostandlonely94

I would expect the mother to shoulder the responsibility if she decided to have a baby knowing she was going to get no support.

That is on the mother! As a woman I whole heartedly think that if you know you aren’t going to give a child the best life they could have because you know from day one that you aren’t going to have the support than don’t have the baby. I just think just because you get pregnant doesn’t mean you need to keep it under any circumstances.

Have some thought to who you are producing with and then make the decision whether that child will have from you (and you only) the best chance in life and also if you have children already (like the OP does) think about the implications it would have on your existing child.

I’m not being awful when I say what if the OP had died in labour.. the new baby would have no father because she chose to go ahead knowing he’d not support and her son would be left without a mother. These are implications you have to think of when you go through the child rearing process.

I lost a lot of blood with my second child and I very nearly needed a blood transfusion. I had to have a second EMCS and without my partner by my side to take care of our DD I don’t know how I’d cope.

Again not saying anything bad about the OP or wishing them health but I just think they need to think about the child they are bringing into the world as well.

How does a court of law decide whether a woman has made this decision alone or not?

a) when a man fails to use contraception himself?
b) when a man tells a woman she must have an abortion regardless of her religious beliefs / marital status / how many weeks she discovers she is pregnant?
c) when he feels like just deciding he doesn't like the financial burden?

And how do you know that a man has said he wants a baby previously, she gets pregnant and then he simply changes his mind?
How do you prove coercion wasn't involved?

This type of thing isn't for courts to decide because the ability to prove this type of thing is limited.

And ultimately its not about the parents its about the well being of the child who should be centred once they are born.

It's funny that men can't see if you GIVE something that is capable of creating a life, you can't suddenly complain that it's unfair, because that the GIFT worked.
Why on earth are they not protecting themselves, why do they act surprised wounded and SHOCKED that the 18 years of support they are now required by law to give can't just be batted away like a fly.
IF YOU HAVE SEX AND MAKE A BABY that is your fault, and the woman can and does have the right to carry that sperm freely given to term and produce a human.

At no point can an man opt out like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
IF YOU HAD SEX you made a baby.
No sex no baby. simple.

@Lostandlonely94

Men are fertile all the time and a vasectomy comes with so many more risks.. a woman is fertile when the egg is released so during the ovulation period.

Maybe every woman should be made to track this regularly so that when they are close to the ovulation time of the month they abstain.

There are no words 😶

So if I’ve understood this - women should track their ovulation, abstain from sex, double down on contraception be forced into ultimatums of having an abortion or having no support - just so men can shirk their single responsibility in sex from wearing a fucking condom? Basically a man can stick his naked penis in any woman but whatever happens is only even then the responsibility of the woman.

And I’m curious @Lostandlonely94 - what if somebody can’t have an abortion / whether through physical/conditions, believes, culture, the laws where they life, etc? What then? (Not that it should matter, i should add, because once again AN ABORTION IS NOT A FORM OF CONTRACEPTION so it is completely irrelevant).

Things is that @Lostandlonely94 has no real idea about basic female biology and how the female reproductive system works. To think that it is all a matter of the woman being responsible for tracking her own ovulation and all that...... mind blown that people can be seriously this ignorant nowadays.

@pheonixrebirth its one of the most fucking stupid thing I've read on here. Down there with harvesting sperm and then sterilising men and making people sign legal contracts before getting pregnant

God he seems like a piece of work. 100% go for child maintenance, if his mother decides she won't see him anymore that's her choice and it sounds like your son has had a lucky escape from a toxic family

He had the choice not to have sex or wear a condom. He needs to pay for the child he created. Don't feel guilty in the slightest. It takes two to create a child so each should be responsible for half of the necessary costs to bring the child up. Good luck.

@BlueLobelia

Things is that *@Lostandlonely94* has no real idea about basic female biology and how the female reproductive system works. To think that it is all a matter of the woman being responsible for tracking her own ovulation and all that...... mind blown that people can be seriously this ignorant nowadays.

The reasons behind their username are not a total mystery...

He legally has to provide for his child.