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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs ‘secret’ boyfriend

131 replies

befall0 · 25/07/2021 09:24

My DD is 14, almost 15. My DH is very against her having a boyfriend. I did suspect she had a boyfriend though. A few weeks ago, she came back from school and had a boys name written on her hand, I didn't say anything but my DH noticed and asked her who x was, DD said she didn't know and that her friend dared her to have a random boys name written on her hand. Yesterday, she told me she was going out with ‘chloe’ and her sister was picking DD up. I did see her get picked up but I noticed a boy was also in the car, about DDs age. I didn't think anything of it.

When DD got back, I could smell a boys aftershave on her so I spoke to her and she admitted she does have a boyfriend and it was the boy in the car.

I have no idea why DH is so against her having a boyfriend. Any advice will appreciated

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 25/07/2021 09:26

Well, he’s a ‘secret’ boyfriend because of your DH’s attitude.

What’s your DH’s reason? Have you asked him? It’s very unpleasant for a grown man to try to control his daughter’s sexuality in that way. Is he controlling in other ways?

cookiesandcreamm · 25/07/2021 09:29

Why's DH so against it?
You need to talk to him tbh, she's at the age where she is interested in boys and it obviously hasn't stopped her but instead she's had to keep it a secret which I feel is quite sad!
First boyfriends are exciting at any age.

SharpLily · 25/07/2021 09:29

Your DH is stupid and unreasonable to think he can control this. She'll just do it in secret, as I did. It's not a good way to learn about good, caring, balanced and healthy relationships. It's a great way to build up a barrier between parent and child.

pilates · 25/07/2021 09:31

You have your husband to blame for the secret. Why are you allowing this? It’s totally normal to have a boyfriend at that age.

MarshmallowSwede · 25/07/2021 09:31

It’s perfectly normal for a girl her age to have a boyfriend. This is what teenagers do. They spend time with others, have crushes, have boyfriends and girlfriends, spend time with friends. What is the reason why he is against it?

It is an important part of socialization. It’s pretty harmless and it’s not like your daughter is going to run off and marry this boy.

ShitPoetryClub · 25/07/2021 09:35

You'd be better off inviting him in and getting to know him.

Macncheeseballs · 25/07/2021 09:36

Dh attitude is very worrying

Justmuddlingalong · 25/07/2021 09:39

Have you had a discussion with DH about the fact your DD is growing up and doing perfectly normal, age appropriate things? Openness and honestly will dwindle if he blanket refuses to accept she's doing nothing outrageous. Yet.

Whiskycav · 25/07/2021 09:39

Your dh is against it and you never asked why?

BlueSurfer · 25/07/2021 09:40

Is yours DH controlling in other ways? You’ll both find your DD doesn’t trust you or come to you about important life events. Why do you enable his behaviour rather than stand up to him about what is normal and acceptable?

MorningNinja · 25/07/2021 09:40

This is the kind if thing that happens when you have a DH like yours.

Original poster
befall0 · 25/07/2021 09:41

Yes, I have asked him why and he just says that he just doesn't want her to have a boyfriend as she's too young. No, he isn't controlling in other ways.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 25/07/2021 09:42

Do you accept his decision or fight her corner?

Pissinthepottyplease · 25/07/2021 09:43

Have you asked him why he thinks she is too young?

couchparsnip · 25/07/2021 09:43

Your DH is being ridiculous. He's over-protective and will drive her away with his attitude.
If you're confident that you've brought them up right and that they are sensible then at this age you have to let them make their own decisions about GF/BFs.
Her keeping a boyfriend secret means you have no idea what they are doing together. I would frame it to your DH that way. If he wants to keep some control of the situation it's better to be above board and invite them over.
I have a DD13 and DS15 and they invite their GF/BFs over. All that happens is making popcorn, video games and watching movies generally. Nothing to be worried about.

Clymene · 25/07/2021 09:44

@befall0

Yes, I have asked him why and he just says that he just doesn't want her to have a boyfriend as she's too young. No, he isn't controlling in other ways.
Well it's not stopping her is it? She's still got a boyfriend, she's just not telling you about it.

What age does he think is ok?

KurtWilde · 25/07/2021 09:45

Surely this is something both parents should agree on? It seems to me you wouldn't have a problem with it so why is it only your husband's decision?

Whoarethewho · 25/07/2021 09:47

Don't let that stand with DH attitude. Our parents were like that and it brought up adults who have all had disfunctional or no adult romantic relationships.

Queynte13 · 25/07/2021 09:47

His ridiculous rules are pushing her away and causing her to lie to you.

It would be far better for all involved if your daughter felt she could be honest with you, instead of sneaking behind your back. Then you can have open discussions and ensure she's ready for a relationship.

Your husband has caused this.

PrettyLittleFlies · 25/07/2021 09:51

A lot of men become very nervous about their daughters getting boyfriends because, having been teenage boys once, they know how sex-obsessed so many are.

Banning them is daft though, he's just driving it underground.

You need to listen to your daughter and support her to make good choices. The more open she can be with you, the safer she will be.

girlmom21 · 25/07/2021 09:52

Tell him she's got a boyfriend and he needs to grow up and accept it because you'd rather her know she can talk to you than her have to keep secrets from you both as that could get her into a lot more grief than a normal teenage relationship will...

Merryoldgoat · 25/07/2021 09:53

Your DH is displaying that really tiresome ’not my little princess’ nonsense which I would not tolerate.

Banning boyfriends/girlfriends never stopped anyone having one - it just keeps it a secret and means she won’t seek help if she gets out of her depth.

You need a strong word with your DH.

Birkie248 · 25/07/2021 09:56

But DH’s attitude has caused your daughter to lie now, what would you prefer? I for sure would prefer to know who she’s with and where they’re going.

Whiskycav · 25/07/2021 09:56

@befall0

Yes, I have asked him why and he just says that he just doesn't want her to have a boyfriend as she's too young. No, he isn't controlling in other ways.
That's not a good enough answer.

Having a boyfriend is a perfectly normal thing for a teenager to do. He doesn't get to veto it just because.

And what has happened, is what happens. Teenagers will hide it from you instead.

Lots of these teenagers, who hide things from their parents (because of ridiculous restrictions) also end up in vulnerable situations or feel they can't turn to their parents if they need support.

You can't know this and not tell him. You either agree with him or you don't. You are her parent to. If you disagree with him and are going to support your daughter, then tell him straight and tell him 'I just don't want her to' isn't a good enough reason.

KatherineJaneway · 25/07/2021 09:56

Yes, I have asked him why and he just says that he just doesn't want her to have a boyfriend as she's too young

More like he doesn't want her to have sex.