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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to have a family picture with his ex

333 replies

jojobaoil · 24/07/2021 21:29

Partner has been split up from his ex for 3 years. They have a child together. I've been with him a year.

He has a picture of the three of them when their child was just born, in a cabinet in his front room. He's had the image there for ages - since I've been with him but there was a piece of card in a heart shape covering her up. Today I saw it had slipped down and I could see her face and I said to him semi light hearted that he needs to get rid and why does he still have a picture with her there. He immediately got up and said he will sort it and folded back the bit with her on it. I was happy at the time.....but now I'm thinking about it, why not remove the picture or rip the part with her on it off...? I might be being unreasonable but they were together for 8 years and I don't understand why he would still want that picture around whether or not she is the mother of his child. They are amicable, not over friendly and I don't think he would go back there but I don't get it. I've thrown out every pic of my child's dad - they sees their dad weekly so won't forget what he looks like!

AIBU for wanting him to get rid? Or am I being silly...

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/07/2021 23:08

@Ohanaa

I think this is bat shit. The child isn’t entitled to the pictures and most likely will give them a half glance at most once in their life

A child not being 'entitled' to something doesn't mean you don't do it for them if you love them.

A child isn't 'entitled' as such to books outside of school, to toys or access to skills such as swimming or riding a bike. It's just that decent parents provide those things IF THEY CAN because they love their child...

It's sad if you've only half glanced at childhood pictures but I don't believe that is the majority of people's experience. It's better they have the opportunity to see them than have that option entirely removed from them.

Your posts are embarrassing if you're a parent. Extra embarrassing if you're OP agreeing with yourself 😬

Honeybeebloom · 24/07/2021 23:08

For me I think that life is too short to pretend big chunks of it didn't happen. I'm divorced and in a very happy relationship, but I still have my wedding album. My relationship with my ex didn't work out but he was an important part of my life and we went through major life events together. I don't want to pretend that stuff didn't happen because then it would be like losing some of my life.

I'm sorry it's uncomfortable for you OP but they had a major life event having a child together, being able to look back on that time positively, and keeping mementos to remind them of it, I think is important, for them and their child. It doesn't mean your partner hasn't moved on (unless there are other clues or behaviours pointing towards that), just that he's not wiping away his past.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/07/2021 23:09

[quote LorryM]@youvegottenminuteslynn in their room, in the bin… all the same to me.[/quote]
And very different to the children of a partner. Most decent adults would be mature enough to understand that. It must be horrible for you carrying around such a spiteful attitude.

LorryM · 24/07/2021 23:11

Not really, I’m pretty happy. Just don’t agree with your stance.

Gazelda · 24/07/2021 23:17

@jojobaoil

Ok I get it I'm the crazy partner lol. I think I'm probably skewed because my ex is awful and the thought of having an image of him in my house is absurd - plus I'd think disrespectful to my current partner - apparently not tho!
But doesn't your DC deserve to have photos of their father in their home?
FortniteBoysMum · 24/07/2021 23:20

In my eldest sons baby album I have photos of him with his father and all of us in despite we were not together. My son hasn't seen him in almost a decade but that's my sons history so the photos stay. Nothing wrong with having a photo of his child as a baby up. If he rips that photo how will that look to his child once they are grown up? It will look like things were not amicable. I find it more odd that you felt the need to remove every photo of your children with their father in them. Their father is part of their life why should they not have photos of their father at home. My mother would never have made me get rid of pics of my dad. Parents have not been in the same room since I was 14. However my mum has a photo of my dad with my nieces in her living room. She's the one who ended things and married someone else. However to her it shows the grandchildren this is our side of their family. My dad will always be part of that even if they have no contact.

Shamrockcandy · 24/07/2021 23:22

This is crazy , my parents split when I was small..I love looking at old photos...I am so glad that they were not mutilated ........it is just spiteful to do something like that and a very strange way of thinking......

Costumeidea · 24/07/2021 23:26

🧦

stellaisabella · 24/07/2021 23:28

Christ, I hope he doesn't have a pet rabbit

Ohanaa · 24/07/2021 23:30

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Ohanaa

I think this is bat shit. The child isn’t entitled to the pictures and most likely will give them a half glance at most once in their life

A child not being 'entitled' to something doesn't mean you don't do it for them if you love them.

A child isn't 'entitled' as such to books outside of school, to toys or access to skills such as swimming or riding a bike. It's just that decent parents provide those things IF THEY CAN because they love their child...

It's sad if you've only half glanced at childhood pictures but I don't believe that is the majority of people's experience. It's better they have the opportunity to see them than have that option entirely removed from them.

Your posts are embarrassing if you're a parent. Extra embarrassing if you're OP agreeing with yourself 😬 [/quote]
Why is it sad that I only glanced at childhood pictures… I think it’s odd that you find it sad. I see my parents all the time and my sister & brother. I don’t need to see pictures from when I was a baby.
I am a parent. I’m still with my kids dad though so I don’t need to have pictures of any exs in my house 😂 not that I would anyway. Only on Mumsnet this kind of shit happens.

I think Iv already posted before it’s against guidelines to name change and comment on your own posts so it’s embarrassing you even think that when MN have clearly already been on this thread.

Miniestelle · 24/07/2021 23:30

@stellaisabella

Christ, I hope he doesn't have a pet rabbit
GrinHe will have fuck all by the time op has ripped it all to shreds.
pinkbobbin · 24/07/2021 23:32

If you can't cope with a photo with his ex in, I can't see how you are going to cope being around his dc who are half her. Having dc with someone means that link will always be there. Will you say you can't look at the dc either. I feel this probably isn't the relationship for you.

OldTurtleNewShell · 24/07/2021 23:32

How strange. I know my ex had a picture of me, him and DS up in his loving too for a few years. It didn't mean anything. It was just a particularly lovely photo of our son with his parents.
I think its moved into DS' room at his dad's house now, but insisting that the mother of a child is removed from all photos is a bit weird imo. Especially as he's now presumably folded it over.

OldTurtleNewShell · 24/07/2021 23:32

*in his living room. Not his 'loving too'. Confused

Kanaloa · 24/07/2021 23:33

@Ohanaa

Why would he bin the photo just to replace it with an up to date photo? You do realise the point of a photograph is to capture things as they were then, not to display to people how things are now?

The photo is a memento of the day his child was born. Unless the ex wife is willing to get in a hospital bed and wrap the 8yo up in a blanket there’s no recreating that. It’s a very special day. I would think anyone who couldn’t cope with a photo of this is incredibly insecure in the relationship and would wonder how they cope with a living, breathing reminder of the relationship visiting them.

VienneseWhirligig · 24/07/2021 23:34

@Ohanaa if their dad dies, then there is every likelihood they would really want those photos. I have no photos of my DH from before I met him, other than a couple that his sister found of him at family weddings. I didn't meet him until he was 42, and it's sad for me, but my stepsons have no photos of them with their dad as children at all, and although our DS has loads of him with his dad, he'd really like to see photos of his dad as a younger man. DH destroyed a lot of those with his ex in, and she destroyed photos with him in that she had, neither of them considered the feelings of their kids in future years.

PrettyBlunt · 24/07/2021 23:36

The photo is a memento of the day his child was born. Unless the ex wife is willing to get in a hospital bed and wrap the 8yo up in a blanket there’s no recreating that. It’s a very special day.

🤣🤣.

StinkyLilSinner · 24/07/2021 23:36

YABU

I pretty much despise my ex for the way he has treated our child, but I had framed photos of us as a family and of him holding her around the house as our child was growing up. My DP (my child's step parent) understands why this is important and if he had ever voiced any dislike for it, I'd have binned him. That's my child's father no matter how I feel about him. To try and hide his existence away would have been damaging for my child.

Sweettea1 · 24/07/2021 23:40

Am no longer with my dc dad but would never throw or rip pictures up of him.
What will you say to your children if they ask to see family pics of them growing up and dad isn't in 1. Only person you thought about when binning the pictures is yourself and seems your still the same. ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 24/07/2021 23:41

YABU

TableFlowerss · 24/07/2021 23:42

I wouldn’t like it op. I think the best thing to do is exactly what he’s doing, hiding her face.

I don’t think he should destroy it though and cut her off as dc can have that pic when they’re older

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/07/2021 23:42

@Ohanaa

The vast, vast majority of decent people would think it selfish to destroy photos from a child's younger years if they feature a parent who no longer happens to be in a relationship with the other parent. It's honestly weird as fuck to think it's ok to do that.

I can only imagine you're someone who makes everything about themselves, otherwise it would be an act of pure selfishness and spite.

But you know, horses for courses and all that.

Miniestelle · 24/07/2021 23:47

I think if you dont want to see it, hiding her her face with a big red love heart draws more attention to it. Just leave it as it is.

Twilight7777 · 24/07/2021 23:48

YABU sorry op, purely for their child I would let him keep it. I think other things must be going on to make you feel insecure.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 24/07/2021 23:56

Loving the sock.

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