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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Time for 14 year old to be leaving town?

128 replies

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 20:36

I didn't know how to word the title.
And I'm usually a bit PFB over my eldest so occasionally really on MN for perspective.

14 yo (just finished year 9) has gone to the next major town, it's busy it's beachy it's rough, it's not the ideal place, but ok during the day.

What time would you expect them to leave to come home?

DS and I aren't in agreements, apparently his friends are still there.

It's about 30-40 minutes away by train.

OP posts:
ShitPoetryClub · 24/07/2021 20:37

About now.

Sparklesocks · 24/07/2021 20:37

Do you know how common the trains are? Their frequency might be a factor

Evenstar · 24/07/2021 20:40

I think he should leave now, it will be dark soon, there will probably be more people around than usual and there will be drunks.

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 20:41

Every 45 minutes.

OP posts:
Classica · 24/07/2021 20:43

Hmm, I'd say a 14 year old on their summer hols who's spent the day in another town that is a 30 min train journey should be home around 8.30ish?

Threedotswaiting · 24/07/2021 20:44

9/9.30 if he can then get back home from train station with mates ok

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 20:45

[quote Classica]Hmm, I'd say a 14 year old on their summer hols who's spent the day in another town that is a 30 min train journey should be home around 8.30ish?[/quote]
I agree.

In fact, this was the agreement.

At 8.40pm he's still sat at the train station and texting me grief because I'm such an unreasonable parent for being annoyed about being lied to.

OP posts:
JollyAndBright · 24/07/2021 20:45

My DS is the same age.

He has a ‘sunset’ curfew, but we are flexible depending on where he is.

I would definitely have expected him to have left the other town by 8pm.

Evenstar · 24/07/2021 20:45

@Classica I agree for many reasons, but given said teen is still there now I think he should definitely be on the next train home.

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 20:46

@Threedotswaiting

9/9.30 if he can then get back home from train station with mates ok
Leave the town at 9? Or be home by 9?

If he left at 9, he wouldn't be home until about 10.30,

He needs to walk to the station, be on the train and walk from the station home.

OP posts:
Silkiecats · 24/07/2021 20:46

I would want him home in daylight and not in the area if there's likely to be trouble. I would say leave at 8pm ish at latest and back 8.45pm is if its OK on train and OK in town then. I wouldn't care what friends are doing, that's up to their parents.

Classica · 24/07/2021 20:47

[quote Evenstar]@Classica I agree for many reasons, but given said teen is still there now I think he should definitely be on the next train home.[/quote]
Oh yes, I wasn't taking a dig at your post. I was just mulling it out to myself. At least he'll be on the next train, OP!

Evenstar · 24/07/2021 20:47

X Post OP , I think there probably needs to be a consequence if he has disobeyed you and broken the agreement about coming home.

HandScreen · 24/07/2021 20:48

Oh, go easy on him!

FedNlanders · 24/07/2021 20:48

On the train for 8 I would have said.

Evenstar · 24/07/2021 20:48

@Classica it’s OK I didn’t take it that way, I agreed with you and the OP did too. Always harder to get the teen on board!

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 20:49

@Silkiecats

I would want him home in daylight and not in the area if there's likely to be trouble. I would say leave at 8pm ish at latest and back 8.45pm is if its OK on train and OK in town then. I wouldn't care what friends are doing, that's up to their parents.
He did leave at 8, he won't be home until 9.30, he's still on the train now.
OP posts:
BackforGood · 24/07/2021 20:51

I agree that about 8.30 is the time I'd have said too.

The fact he hasn't stuck to it, and has shown he can't be trusted would be the start of a steep learning curve for him now.
If he wants to be treated as more of a grown up then he needs to act like one. He has shown you he can't stick to the deal, so his "privileges" get withdrawn for a while. I wouldn't 'negotiate' with him. I'd explain it clearly. He now has to earn back your trust if he wants to be able to do things adults do.

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 20:59

@BackforGood

I agree that about 8.30 is the time I'd have said too.

The fact he hasn't stuck to it, and has shown he can't be trusted would be the start of a steep learning curve for him now.
If he wants to be treated as more of a grown up then he needs to act like one. He has shown you he can't stick to the deal, so his "privileges" get withdrawn for a while. I wouldn't 'negotiate' with him. I'd explain it clearly. He now has to earn back your trust if he wants to be able to do things adults do.

I couldn't agree more.

I pay for his gym membership, which he goes to 3-4 times a week and needs my permission for. And I pay for his phone.

He's basically told me that since I'm pissed off, he may as well just stay out and see his friends. In for a penny in for a pound.

Fucking great start to the summer holidays.

OP posts:
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 24/07/2021 21:39

Feck me he wouldnt be out again for a long time and that would just be the start of it. Cant abide lying

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 21:41

He's just got in.

Little sodd.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 24/07/2021 22:01

Glad he’s home safe

SheilaWilcox · 24/07/2021 22:19

Leave at 8, home by 9:30 sounds reasonable, but depends what was agreed. The key thing is whether he stuck to the agreement.
At least he was still in touch by mobile, which we wouldn't have been at his age (depending on your age of course.)
My husband is still crap at estimating the time it will take to get places, so I would treat it as an opportunity to teach him time management rather than the chance to bollock him.

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 22:23

It's nothing to do with time management.

He told me outright that he didn't want to leave so he didn't.

I think that's what bothered me the most.
The "fuck you, I don't care" way he's approached it.

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 24/07/2021 22:28

My 15 up has a sunset curfew but generally up to 10.30 in summer. He's in the next road though in the park, not the next town. We love 40 mins by train from a seaside resort and I would want him back from there at 9pm, 9.30 at the latest. At 14, it would be 8.30.