@HandScreen
*If I didn’t know better I’d think you were my 14 year old.
‘Property’ ‘controlling’ ‘punitive’ and ‘jeez’
Are all buzz words he uses when he feels he’s not getting his way, usually when he’s been told no.*
Perhaps you should listen to your 14 year old, then? Do you just disregard then when they let you know about your behaviour? How should a teen communicate to a controlling and punitive parent that they are controlling and punitive?
Another PP upthread says that "parenting a teen is about enforcing boundaries" - that's a shocking and quite sad description of parenting 
Seriously??
I mean genuinely seriously?
Let’s break this down….
Perhaps you should listen to your 14 year old, then?
I do listen to my DS, we have a very open relationship where no conversation is off limits and everything is approached in a nonjudgmental way.
We are very close.
When he is calling me the above words I don’t tend to listen because I know he is having a tantrum because he isn’t getting his own way.
Do you just disregard then when they let you know about your behaviour?
When they are having a tantrum because they aren’t getting their way, yes.
How should a teen communicate to a controlling and punitive parent that they are controlling and punitive?
If they genuinely believe their parents to be that way then it’s a discussion that should be had in a calm and serious conversation.
But I think pretty much every teenager on the planet believe there parents are “ controlling and punitive” at some point. 9.5 times out of 10 it’s because the teen isn’t getting their own way.
Another PP upthread says that "parenting a teen is about enforcing boundaries" - that's a shocking and quite sad description of parenting
That’s exactly what parenting a teen is.
Teens push boundaries, any parent who doesn’t enforce them is basically just letting their teen run wild, which is unsafe and does the teenager no favours in the long run.
Let me tell you about the last time I was “controlling” according to my 14 year old.
He wanted to go and spend the weekend at my parents, he does this fairly often as he has friends in the town my parents live in.
He came home from school (it was a Friday) and announced he was going on the bus in an hour,
I called my mum to check it was ok, this is usually a formality as the virtually never say no, however, on this occasion she said they had friends over that night and “it would be more convenient” if he came through on Saturday.
I relayed this to DS and he said he was still going, I said no, you can go tomorrow, his argument was was that my mum said it’s not convenient, she didn’t say he couldn’t go,
I told him calmly and clearly that they have plans and he is not going, that ‘not convenient’ is a no.
He proceeded to argue with me, or should I say at me, as other than repeating that he could go tomorrow I refused to debate the matter with him. This went on for 45 minutes.
According to him I was being controlling and just trying to ruin his life.
It turned out he had made plans with his friends for that evening, that’s why he was so annoyed.
I pointed out he should have checked with his grandparents before making the plans. But he wouldn’t listen and continued with the stance that I was just doing it to be controlling.
He was cross about his plans, and it had to be someone’s fault so it had to be mine.
Once he calmed down he changed his plans and everything was fine.
Just to be clear… I was not being controlling or punitive, I was being a responsible parent of a teenager.