Time for 14 year old to be leaving town?

[DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou]

I didn't know how to word the title.
And I'm usually a bit PFB over my eldest so occasionally really on MN for perspective.

14 yo (just finished year 9) has gone to the next major town, it's busy it's beachy it's rough, it's not the ideal place, but ok during the day.

What time would you expect them to leave to come home?

DS and I aren't in agreements, apparently his friends are still there.

It's about 30-40 minutes away by train.

It is natural for teenagers to develop their own identity, to question 'rules' and to want to make decisions for themselves. This is an important step in becoming an adult and IMO teaches them resilience as they are relying on their own abilities to navigate certain scenarios. If you just punish teenagers for not following your rules you are taking away their ability to think for themselves about a problem or an issue and the resilience in character that follows from that process. Taking away Gym membership 'is' a punishment and it is about teaching them who the boss is in the relationship. They will hide stuff from you and stay out late without telling you because what's the point, you are going to remove every comfort from their life anyway when they get back from wherever. IME the teenager who is the most reckless and secretive has parents who use punishments for breaking the rules and it has infantalised him, he is in older teenager and still doesn't make very good decisions, he is nearly an adult but needs his parents constantly badgering him to do stuff and make decisions for him like getting a part time job. My parents were very much of the guidance type and I was a self-starter did very well academically and at 16/17 applied for part time jobs as I wanted the money for nights out, music etc.that's how adult life.

In this scenario, he rang you, explained the situation and got back at a reasonable time anyway. Trust works both ways, you will lose his if you are going to sanction him disproportionately.

That's what I was struggling to put into words - actual night time in a busy town is for adults, not kids. Being around near home is quite different, I agree OP

I'd say, if with friends, must be home by 10pm in school hols.

I think some of the posters on this thread sound like teenagers themselves and probably don’t have any.

When you have had teenagers (5 in my case) where they are is extremely relevant to what time they should be leaving to go home, we live near a fairly rough town which is fine in daylight not so much after dark for a 14 year old CHILD. Youngest DS went to school near there and used to meet friends at the park to play sport and get a McDonalds but they all knew that there was a time they needed to be leaving the area by, especially on a Friday or Saturday night.

DS often liked to walk back with a friend and sometimes wouldn’t get back till nearer 10 pm when he was 14 or 15, but as long as he wasn’t hanging around at that time in a busy town centre full of pubs we were OK with that.

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou but you still didn't agree a time for that! There's no need to be passive aggressive - I read your comments but it all seems to based on you having an idea in your head but not communicating it with your son.

Yes, he suggested 7pm but did you actually say to him "that's fine, but If that's the case, you need to be on the train for x at the latest?"

My point is you can't be angry with him when you seemingly never agreed a time for anything - him leaving, what train he needed to catch or what time you wanted him home.

If you want him out of x town by a certain time then spell it out to him - tell him he has to be on the 7pm train at the latest and you/dad will collect him from the station or whatever.

When you have had teenagers (5 in my case) where they are is extremely relevant to what time they should be leaving to go home, we live near a fairly rough town which is fine in daylight not so much after dark for a 14 year old CHILD.

Of course, but in that case OP needs to say to her son "I need you on the train at 6pm".

It seems to be like communication was awful between all of them.

Evenstar; how patronising, I have a 14.5 year old and I can tell you that I have never had the Police call me up to come and collect him like the OP. It does always seem to be these overly strict parents that have problematic teenagers that take things too far.

You do need to set a home time. Having said that I totally failed to set a home time for DS2 (nearly 14) when he went into central London with his friends yesterday. Luckily he did come home arrange ok time. However, I would have expected DS2 to leave by 7pm to be home by 7:30 - 7:45

at an ok time

Wanting a 14 year old home from a dodgy area in daylight and before people who have been drinking all day are on the train too is neither controlling nor punitive - it's called parenting, which doesn't end when they leave primary.

So many threads where people are saying 'let your young teen get pissed', 'it's summer let them come home whatever time they want' etc, I find it really quite scary.
Yes, I got pissed at that age and yes I broke my curfew but there were consequences.

but you still didn't agree a time for that! There's no need to be passive aggressive - I read your comments but it all seems to based on you having an idea in your head but not communicating it with your son.

I'm sorry? You're assuming we didn't discuss what time he should leave and it wasn't agreed?

I told you he suggested 7pm and you assumed that's all the words that went.

Did you imagine him walking into the living room, saying "7pm I leave there." Robotically and walk out?

Don't be daft now. Really really daft.

His suggestion of 7pm was part of a discussion of what time he should leave the town.
I honestly cannot believe I'm having to spell that out to someone

And to really really point out the obvious, when he suggested 7pm I didn't just turn my back and walk away.
The conversation ended.
With me agreeing to it.

It's absolute madness what stuff people add to the OP, or absolutely daft stuff they assume.
I genuinely can't believe I had to explain something like that.

Based on my own experience as a teenager I've always preferred mine stayed out a bit later and came home with friends than came back earlier on their own.
I also try to compromise where possible. It is frustrating and miserable being the one who comes home first all the time.

I agree with IcedCoffee it seems unfair for you to punish him when there was no firm curfew in place.I'd use this as a learning experience for you both.
Have a proper conversation, he wants to have some of the flexibility that comes with growing up. You need to know he's safe and need to know he respects you. Listen to what he wants and explain exactly what you want from him, speak to his friends parents if you know them.

Thanks to those who understand, I notice the majority of whom have their own teenagers.

And I have also been wondering how many of the others haven't had teens yet.

But why are you going over the top with the punishments, you seem to just be reeling off ways to punish, how is this constructive parenting of a teen?

@Goldenbear

But why are you going over the top with the punishments, you seem to just be reeling off ways to punish, how is this constructive parenting of a teen?

What is the punishment I'm being over the top about?

RockingMyFiftiesNot, wanting to know the time your 14 year old is returning from somewhere is not punitive, no but the posters who are advocating excessive punishments for leaving the Town an hour later than said when it is still early evening are being ridiculously over the top and very much being 'punitive', what do you think 'punitive' means?

TBH you didn't explain the conversation so I think I (and others) are allowed to be a bit confused. You say he suggested 7pm but what happened after that? Did you say that was okay, or too late, or too early? Did you agree that he had to be home by a certain time, giving him flexibility on when he could leave as long as he was home by say, 9pm, for example?

If I wanted my child home from a certain town because it was unsafe, I would tell them they needed to be on the train at a certain time and I would collect them from the station so there wasn't the chance for them to mess about.

@Goldenbear and @brewstwo have hit the nail on the head for me.

As the parent of a teenager you have to pick your battles. The super strict parents, unless they have a very compliant child, invariably come unstuck somewhere down the line.

For me I'd rather my DS came home a bit later than I'd like but with his group of friends, than coming back earlier and on his own; if it took him over an hour and a half to get back, that suggests a 20 odd minute walk to the station in the town where he was, and the same back from your local station, based on the train journey being 45 mins. I'd prefer my kid to be doing those walks with their mates (and the train journey) than alone.

I would be disappointed he'd been late, but I'd talk to him about it. Did his pals say they'd leave at 8 (so he thought by staying out he could travel back with them) and when it came to it they decided to stay longer? I wouldn't be too harsh in that scenario, it's not like he missed the last train and you had to go and pick him up!

In a group of boys trust me no one wants to be the first to go home because mummy has told them to. I've raised 2 teenagers (now in their 20s) and neither has ever caused any real trouble though there was definitely more than one occasion when they didn't come home when expected.

@Goldenbear

RockingMyFiftiesNot, wanting to know the time your 14 year old is returning from somewhere is not punitive, no but the posters who are advocating excessive punishments for leaving the Town an hour later than said when it is still early evening are being ridiculously over the top and very much being 'punitive', what do you think 'punitive' means?

My comment referred to the PPs calling OP controlling, and one said: Jeez, weird amount of lashing out here when someone disagrees with a punitive and controlling

If I didn’t know better I’d think you were my 14 year old.
‘Property’ ‘controlling’ ‘punitive’ and ‘jeez’
Are all buzz words he uses when he feels he’s not getting his way, usually when he’s been told no.

Perhaps you should listen to your 14 year old, then? Do you just disregard then when they let you know about your behaviour? How should a teen communicate to a controlling and punitive parent that they are controlling and punitive?

Another PP upthread says that "parenting a teen is about enforcing boundaries" - that's a shocking and quite sad description of parenting

@RockingMyFiftiesNot Yes, I think the OP is being controlling and punitive. For those who need explanations, punitive means to punish somebody. As in punishment. As the OP describes.

OP you're not being over the top at all! Being a teenager is not free reign to act however you want without consequence.

I live overlooking a public park and every night of the summer the park is full of antisocial teens hanging out being loud, drinking, and got knows what else until 10/11 or later. I always wonder who the hell is letting their kids stay out and behave like that but clearly some parents take a lot less interest in where their teens are than others.

@OpenTheBloodyWindow But what harm are they doing?

I would talk to him this morning, thank him for leaving earlier than his friends and say that you are proud of him because this must have been hard.
Let him know that you were worried when he didn't come home at the agreed time and ask him how this could have been avoided- calling you to explain they were having fun and to ask for an extension.

This means swallowing your anger to keep the lines of communication open. You have to decide what you want to achieve going forwards and taking a combatative stance may not be helpful.

Just to add, I would have preferred my dc at that age to stay with their mates and be a bit later but safe.