Page 3 | Time for 14 year old to be leaving town?

CatsArePeople · 24/07/2021 23:29

YANBU, OP. He's only 14 and his attitude is awful. Cancel permission/payment away.

CanofCant · 24/07/2021 23:30

In what way is it punitive and controlling for OP to want her 14 year old son to come home at the agreed time?

The retort about her son not being her property is a childish response that I would expect to hear from a frustrated teenager and probably would have said it myself when I was younger.

It's sad your relationship with your mother was ruined by her controlling behaviour, but i expect it was more severe than wanting you home safely on time.

Also the OP pays for his gym membership which he enjoys and it sounds as though he has freedom to socialise, she is taking issue with this one occasion where he is pushing boundaries and being rude to her.

HandScreen · 24/07/2021 23:35

Wanting a 14 year old home at 8.30 is controlling. The gym membership punishment is really over the top.

And no, my mother's controlling behaviour was exactly along these lines. It's a shitty environment to be in.

Goldenbear · 24/07/2021 23:36

I am a pretty liberal parent so I would say 9.30 is ok. My son and his cousin are the same age and were out until 10 when they were walking distance away. It depends on the child though, my DS is pretty intelligent, mature and not impulsive. I would say you don't know if the other parents are ok with it, they might be.

Maggiesfarm · 24/07/2021 23:36

I'd say if they were home by 11pm, that would be OK. Presumably he'll be travelling homeward with a friend or friends.

Blimey, I see he was home at 2141. So that's OK I presume.

CatsArePeople · 24/07/2021 23:42

Wanting a 14 year old home at 8.30 is controlling. The gym membership punishment is really over the top.

At 14 is pretty reasonable. And gym membership is a big privilege. OP doesn't owe it to him if he's so rude.

HandScreen · 24/07/2021 23:43

@CatsArePeople

Wanting a 14 year old home at 8.30 is controlling. The gym membership punishment is really over the top.

At 14 is pretty reasonable. And gym membership is a big privilege. OP doesn't owe it to him if he's so rude.

You think 8.30 is a normal curfew for a 14 year old? Do you really think that? Like, bright outside, summer holidays, 8.30?

Original poster

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 24/07/2021 23:54

@HandScreen DS and I hadn't actually discussed his home time.

My original post was not discussing his home time.

The issue was the time he left the town he was in.

And HE SUGGESTED 7pm, wouldn't answer the phone, didn't leave there till 8pm, didn't get on the train til 8.40 and home time was never a discussion.

If he left at 7is, he would have been home (as in this village somewhere) at 8.30.

Actually home time in? That varies depending on whether he has school the next day.

The issues that you have with your mum clearly haven't left you, but whatever happened there is not what is happening here.

And the punishment with the gym?

It costs a fortune along with his phone tarriff.
If he speaks to me like shit, treats me like shit and takes the mick, then yeah he can start asking permission to go.
I'm not laying down and writing mug on my forehead.

OP posts:

CatsArePeople · 25/07/2021 00:10

You think 8.30 is a normal curfew for a 14 year old? Do you really think that? Like, bright outside, summer holidays, 8.30?

If he was hanging out in a local park - no. To get home from a troublesome town by train - yes (assuming they spent an entire day there already).

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 00:12

Well it's over now and he wasn't home too late.

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 00:16

Gordon Bennett, op, he was home at 9.40pm. It was hardly the middle of the night.

I get that it was later than you wanted but still, it wasn't late. It's not as if he has to get up early tomorrow.

Goldenbear · 25/07/2021 00:19

I think it sounds like he is your adversary not your son. It's nothing to do with being a 'mug', it's about being rationale and reasonable and I agree with Maggiesfarm and would add that it is Saturday and we have just broken up for the school holidays why stress about it.

Flowers500 · 25/07/2021 00:50

Sorry you're being WAY overboard here, he left at 8pm I don't see the issue? That's not hugely late and certainly not an unreasonable time for a 14 year old. Ideally you would want him travelling home with his friends, although it sounds like they're staying out later than him now anyway, but I wonder whether this was a part of why he stayed until 8? Wouldn't you rather him leave at 8 to do the journey with friends, rather than leave at 7:30 alone?

You seem to be jumping to extreme punishments very very quickly. He's just going to think you're being a nut job, you need to have a mutual respect here and talk safety rather than "I'm old so you have to jump when I say jump"

Flowers500 · 25/07/2021 00:54

He's home at 9:30 (damn early for when I was young!!!!), nobody died, move on. Your whole "I won't be taken for a mug" BS comes across childish, it won't make him have any respect for you

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 02:20

At 14 kids usually try to negotiate home times and leaving places times with their parents. Also things change while they are out with friends, they may go somewhere and then to someone's house, get involved with a game or having a laugh. Time passes quickly.

If parents are too stringent with timings, that can cause resentment and the child may think, "I'll get in trouble anyway, why not stay later".

The op's son did not start the journey home until later than he said he would but he wasn't very late getting home. In fact it was a reasonable time.

The suggested punishments are way over the top.

Did we not all push boundaries when young? That's part of being a teenager.

HandScreen · 25/07/2021 07:38

The issues that you have with your mum clearly haven't left you, but whatever happened there is not what is happening here.

What happened with my mum is exactly what's happening here.

JollyAndBright · 25/07/2021 07:44

@HandScreen

I had a strict mother snd I hated it. It felt so controlling living with her, and it really damaged our relationship. He is not your property.

Why childish? Jeez, weird amount of lashing out here when someone disagrees with a punitive and controlling parent.

If I didn’t know better I’d think you were my 14 year old.
‘Property’ ‘controlling’ ‘punitive’ and ‘jeez’
Are all buzz words he uses when he feels he’s not getting his way, usually when he’s been told no.

Expecting a 14 year old child to be leaving a town 40 mins away by public transport at the agreed time is not ‘controlling’.
Giving a child who broke their agreement and acted disrespectfully a punishment is not ‘punitive’.

I actually think withdrawing consent for the gym is perfect, he can’t stick to an agreement to come home at the time agreed, the punishment is that he can’t go to the place he wants as previously agreed.

Being a teenager is about pushing boundaries, parenting a teenager is about enforcing those boundaries.

This isn’t only about the time, it’s about the fact he didn’t leave to come home at the agreed time, and then when he knew he was already going to be in trouble he pushed it even further because ‘I’m already in trouble anyway’.

In our house breaking curfew is a a big deal.
It’s not just about being home before dark, it’s about trust and respect.
If DS texts to say “I’m with X, we are at Y, we are just in the middle of Z, can I stay out 30 more minutes?”
That’s fine. We know where he is, with whom and what he is doing, but most importantly he’s showing respect for the curfew.

If he says he is going to be late with no explanation, or worst, stays out past his curfew and doesn’t contact us or ignores his phone completely that’s not fine.

We are happy to be flexible, but he needs to be responsible and show respect.

I bet if the OPs DS had texted her at 6.30/45 to say, mum we are having a really good time, would it be ok if I got the 8pm train instead of the 7pm train so that I can stay out for a bit longer, please?
Rather that just ignoring the agreement and getting the later train the OP wouldn’t have felt the need to post or punish him at all.

icedcoffees · 25/07/2021 08:10

DS and I hadn't actually discussed his home time.

HE SUGGESTED 7pm, wouldn't answer the phone, didn't leave there till 8pm, didn't get on the train til 8.40 and home time was never a discussion.

So you never gave him a set time and now you're pissed off because...why? He didn't come home when he suggested he would, even though you never said he had to be home then?

He's fourteen - plans change. I think you're massively overreacting here, especially because you admit you never said "I need you home by x time please".

He was home by 9.30pm and told you when he was on the train - that seems perfectly normal and reasonable to me. Why are you so convinced you're being taken for a mug?

It's a bit of a weird reaction tbh.

Mindymomo · 25/07/2021 08:23

With my son we started off with a home time and said if he did that and proved he was sensible, we would let him stay out later. When factoring train journeys, they always take longer than you think. I think at 14, getting home before dark is reasonable, especially if travelling alone.

Lotsachocolateplease · 25/07/2021 08:35

Op I have a 14 yr old ds and I’m totally on your side! He’s shown massive disrespect for your boundary’s and you need to punish as you see fit. I’m surprised that there’s so much of a relaxed attitude on here regarding teenagers, yes they’ll push the boundary’s but it’s about respect, and learning that rules are rules no matter who sets them.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 25/07/2021 08:43

Round at a friends house no curfew but out and about roaming the streets definitely home before the drunken idiots looking for trouble. You get some real unsavoury types around seaside towns.

icedcoffees · 25/07/2021 08:55

@Lotsachocolateplease

Op I have a 14 yr old ds and I’m totally on your side! He’s shown massive disrespect for your boundary’s and you need to punish as you see fit. I’m surprised that there’s so much of a relaxed attitude on here regarding teenagers, yes they’ll push the boundary’s but it’s about respect, and learning that rules are rules no matter who sets them.

If you read her posts, they never agreed to a curfew or to him being home by a certain time.

You can't punish him for not coming home at a certain time when that time was never agreed on in the first place!

Nohomemadecandles · 25/07/2021 09:01

If they were close by I don't think I'd have an issue but 40 mins away by train makes a difference to me. Essentially kids still.
My mum was over protective and she'd have collected me at 7pm! But I think there's a happy medium somewhere.

Original poster

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 25/07/2021 09:02

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

Round at a friends house no curfew but out and about roaming the streets definitely home before the drunken idiots looking for trouble. You get some real unsavoury types around seaside towns.

Exactly this. If he was out and about where we live then I wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

It was where he was.

Some people are missing this entirely and focusing on the home time which wasn't the issue and wasn't the OP or the title.

OP posts:

Original poster

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 25/07/2021 09:07

If you read her posts, they never agreed to a curfew or to him being home by a certain time.

If you read the thread, you would know it had absolutely nothing to do with the home time but the time he left the area he was in.

Here let me help you -

"Time for a 14 year old to be leaving town?" (Title of the thread)

"14 yo (just finished year 9) has gone to the next major town, it's busy it's beachy it's rough, it's not the ideal place, but ok during the day.

What time would you expect them to leave to come home?"

"HE SUGGESTED 7pm, wouldn't answer the phone, didn't leave there till 8pm, didn't get on the train til 8.40"

"Actually home time in? That varies depending on whether he has school the next day."

Hope that helps.

OP posts: