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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 2 hours is long enough for drinks with friends?

155 replies

Finallybroody · 24/07/2021 18:13

I am out tonight with 2-3 friends for a couple of drinks. Meeting at 7:30. One of us isn’t drinking at all and I’m not a big drinker either. It’ll be lovely to have a chat and a catch up with a couple of gins but I am absolutely shattered after a long week at work - AIBU to leave at around 9:30? I always feel guilty leaving after such a short amount of time especially if I am first to leave but I am craving my bed Blush I’m only 34!

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 24/07/2021 20:14

@Baystard

theleafandnotthetree would you prefer to make your friend stay out late when they really didnt want to?
I literally don't have a single friend who would do that routinely though, we are usually delighted to be out, find the company of each other stimulating rather than a drag or something to be gotten through. Otherwise we wouldn't be friends!
NiceGerbil · 24/07/2021 20:15

My POV.

Yes of course leave when you wish.

But- consider the following.

Are others travelling a long way?
Will they have arranged childcare/ do they go out much?
Is it 3 people only?

IF it's a big deal for some or any of them in terms of getting away/ travel
Or if there's only 3 of you

I think you should let them know in advance. Stupid work phrase is 'setting expectations'.

You don't need to give a reason even just can't wait to see you just letting you know I'll need to be off 930ish.

If they press why then easiest just to make something up :)

Waiting until it's time to go and then just saying right I'm off will mean questions, trying to persuade you, and quite possibly they'll be disappointed esp if made a lot of effort etc.

That's what I'd do.

theleafandnotthetree · 24/07/2021 20:17

@Baystard

"Exhaustion at 9.30? Seriously?"

Eh, yes, seriously.

I also like to go cold water swimming at 5 am, don't tell me you don't like to do that too - seriously?

Actually I would like that also, I'm actually not particularly a night owl. I just like to make the most of life and I would be worried about myself at 34 if I was routinely exhausted at 9.30 and/or couldn't gee myself up to make an effort to have a late night (or even til 11!) with good friends..
Timeforredwine · 24/07/2021 20:17

Nothing wrong with planning, i understand you dont want to not show up but on the other hand you are making an effort when exhausted so not a problem. You are old enough to make your own decisions!!! Your friends should understand.

Quietcrown · 24/07/2021 20:18

Do you have young kids op? I have two and it's hard to motivate myself to stay out past 9.30 when I know they will have me up at the crack of dawn. And possibly through the night as well!

If not just wait and see how you get on, you might surprise yourself and have fun when you get there.

pilates · 24/07/2021 20:19

It’s a lot of effort for just a couple of hours

Baystard · 24/07/2021 20:19

find the company of each other stimulating rather than a drag or something to be gotten through.

I find the company of my friends stimulating for a few hours (very far from a drag) but I just can't handle late nights. It makes me sad that this apparently disqualifies me from friendship.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 24/07/2021 20:25

the problem is with only 3 that leaves 2 when you go and you might break the party

AbsolutelyPatsy · 24/07/2021 20:26

have a coffee before, oops too late

BackforGood · 24/07/2021 20:27

I would say, on arriving and being asked how I am, “I’m really knackered, big week at work but didn’t want to cancel, so am just coming along for a couple of hours, really wanted to see you!” then that paves the way for later. You might find you want to stay longer, though.

This ^
Even when tired though, I would get a 'second wind' from being out, and enjoying my time with friends.

As to whether you are being unreasonable or not depends on the other circumstances. As pps have said, it depends on the circumstances of your friends.
So, if you weren't there, would they be meeting up anyway / will they be quite happy just as the two of them? If so, then YANBU

Have they had to make potentially complicated arrangements to be there (babysitters / swapping shifts / travel etc) ? If so, then YABVU

If this a one off or do you often flake out of arrangements? As that would affect my thinking too.

If you struggle to keep your eyes open, then why not arrange to meet up for lunch rather than go out for the night and then bail half way through?

godmum56 · 24/07/2021 20:27

You are a grown up now and its your choice.
I agree about mentioning it before you get there you needn't give any reason, say something like it will be lovely to see you even though i will need to leave a bit early.
If they are your friends they will understand, if they don't understand they aren't your friends.
Not quite the same but I had a couple of years when the longest i could be out was about an hour and only then when someone could take over my responsibilities (family care needs) My best mate understood entirely.
Thde posters who have said it wouldn't be enough for them and so on.....well that's their choice too.

godmum56 · 24/07/2021 20:29

@Baystard

find the company of each other stimulating rather than a drag or something to be gotten through.

I find the company of my friends stimulating for a few hours (very far from a drag) but I just can't handle late nights. It makes me sad that this apparently disqualifies me from friendship.

this absolutely.....how silly to think that only night owls can have friends
BackforGood · 24/07/2021 20:44

no-one has said "only night owls can have friends". Don't be ridiculous. But if you are so rigid that you can't stay up to a more usual time of evening once in a while, then why would you agree to go out to do something that implies just that. If you need to be in bed by 9.30 / 10pm, then why wouldn't you arrange to meet people for 'brunch' or lunch or afternoon tea or a coffee and a cake and a walk or even some day drinking ?

QueenBee52 · 24/07/2021 20:49

@BackforGood

no-one has said "only night owls can have friends". Don't be ridiculous. But if you are so rigid that you can't stay up to a more usual time of evening once in a while, then why would you agree to go out to do something that implies just that. If you need to be in bed by 9.30 / 10pm, then why wouldn't you arrange to meet people for 'brunch' or lunch or afternoon tea or a coffee and a cake and a walk or even some day drinking ?

what's wrong with meeting for a few hours in the evening ... why is is so frowned upon to meet up for just a few hours ? 🌸

ImbarbaraB · 24/07/2021 21:09

I’m mid 30’s and 2 hours is plenty for socialising for me too

If I know people will be pressuring me to stay out later I just don’t go

I tend to go out later (8:30 ) so that leaving at 10:30 seems ok

I’ve had one friend literally shout at me for leaving before 11pm though, so I’ve never gone out with her again

ChittyChittyBangBangChicken · 24/07/2021 21:15

Some people need more sleep or alone-time than others. That doesn't mean you aren't a good friend.

camelfinger · 24/07/2021 21:19

If I went out with friends for 730, I’d be the only one who arrived for 730. Most would get there for 8 and probably one much later than that. So leaving at 930 would seem too early in these circumstances.

I used to feel bitter if I couldn’t make a legendary night where everyone stayed out drinking and dancing until 2am, but the nights I could make would be everyone wanting to drive and have 2 hours free parking, just to show their face. Perhaps it’s me!

TheFoundations · 24/07/2021 21:20

@theleafandnotthetree

Exhaustion at 9.30? Seriously? God some people make being a grown up look like such a drag. Where's the fun, the spontaneity

I presume being a grown up can only happen at night time, then, for you?

Personally I like a grown up hour or two with a coffee, watching the sun come up, which is hard in the summer if you've gone to bed pissed at 11pm. Like a grown up.

BackforGood · 24/07/2021 21:48

what's wrong with meeting for a few hours in the evening ... why is is so frowned upon to meet up for just a few hours ?

OP was talking about 2 hours, not "a few"

Because it is about time at the enjoyable part of the meet up - the time you are with the friends - as a proportion of time spent on the whole evening, which is likely to include travel each way, getting ready to go out, arranging babysitters potentially, and so forth.

It is like the difference between whether it is worth it for a person to go into the City Centre to work a 4 hours shift or not. The train fair uses up the firs hour's wage, you are actually out the house for 6 hours, and so the 'per hour amount in your pocket for working a 4 hours shift' just isn't worth anywhere near as much as the 'per hour amount in your pocket for working an 8 hour shift'.
Same principle with going "out out". You'll still be paying (or "owing in favours" the babysitter for the 2 hours you are there, + the travel time + the little bit they are there before you go + the round up to an hour. It is better 'value' to go out for a 4 hour meet up than a 2 hour one.

notalwaysalondoner · 24/07/2021 21:49

To be honest I had friends who used to do this and it’s very annoying if you have travelled any distance to meet. It’s fine if it’s a drink in a pub that’s local to all of you, but I used to travel across London to see this group with a journey time of over an hour each way then people would be leaving within an hour and a half to two hours of us arriving. It was just rude and a bit inconsiderate of those of us who had to travel far to get there, hardly made it worth the journey. But that may not be the case for you.

Ifitquacks · 24/07/2021 21:51

@notalwaysalondoner

To be honest I had friends who used to do this and it’s very annoying if you have travelled any distance to meet. It’s fine if it’s a drink in a pub that’s local to all of you, but I used to travel across London to see this group with a journey time of over an hour each way then people would be leaving within an hour and a half to two hours of us arriving. It was just rude and a bit inconsiderate of those of us who had to travel far to get there, hardly made it worth the journey. But that may not be the case for you.
Yes agreed. Also childcare is a rarity for me. So if I go out, I sure as hell want to be out for longer than 2 hours as I might not get W chance again for months. If I had arranged very rare childcare and the person I was meeting left after 2 hours I’d be pretty gutted!
BackforGood · 24/07/2021 21:57

Like all these things, if you are open and honest from the beginning, and happen to be meeting 2 other people who also want to go home 2 hours after meeting, then there isn't an issue, but that isn't what most people want to do, so if you want to do something that is generally different from the 'norm' , then mention it in advance to the people you are meeting, as they might make a very different plan if - like so many - they have made considerable effort to get there.

SGChome20 · 24/07/2021 22:01

You home yet?

MrsJBaptiste · 24/07/2021 22:14

If I went out at 7.30 and friends made it clear they'd be heading off couple of hours later I'd be pissed off. If it was a local night, maybe not so much but anything else... well yes, we're all knackered but put the effort in.

BoredZelda · 24/07/2021 22:24

Not unreasonable. Just mention it when you arrive.

Announcing when you are going to leave, as soon as you arrive is really quite rude.