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Original poster

Is it ok for people to comment if you’ve put on weight?

188 replies

cooperbug · 23/07/2021 21:53

Would you be offended if family members and other random people had commented that you had put on weight or asked if you were pregnant?

This has happened twice to me this week and I’m so angry and upset by it?

How would you respond?

OP posts:
kowari · 24/07/2021 18:48

@Heartofglass12345
Recent unintentional weight changes in either direction can be a sign that a person is unwell or otherwise struggling. I don't see how it matters if it is a gain or a loss.

adeleh · 24/07/2021 18:58

I don’t think it’s ever ok unless you are very close and have good reason to worry about health issues..
My Mum, Dad and sister have all felt free to make comments to me and, now, looking at old photos I realise I was fine - 5ft 7 and size 12. I’m much bigger now, but I wish I’d been able to relax then. It just makes me not want to be around them much, frankly, when that happens.

DanniDuck · 24/07/2021 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

redcarbluecar · 24/07/2021 21:56

If I asked someone whether they thought I’d gained weight, I’d expect an honest answer. Unsolicited comments, however, would get very short shrift - probably completely blanked. I think it’s really bad manners.

Dogvmarmot · 24/07/2021 22:09

@cooperbug

A one off but she does speak before she thinks, I had my dressing gown on at the time!
hopefully the dressing gown was not at the school gates. You gained 1 stone over lockdown and a global pandemic. It was what you were wearing unless you are only 4ft. people are v sensitive about their weight so I would only mention it if they were clearly 9 months pregnant or I was concerned they had a tumor distending their stomach or a medical issue. Dont be self conscious - everyone's diet has been awful. I may not have 'excess weight' but I have been averaging at least 2 ice creams a day. With chocolate sauce. None of us are in a position to judge.
Blankspace4 · 24/07/2021 22:18

I think it’s very rude.

A supermarket check out lady asked me when I was due about a year ago. I wasn’t, and haven’t ever, been pregnant. I burned with shame.

I can tell my MIL judges me for having put on weight (she always tells me I look well when I’m slimmer….and makes a lot of fat phobic comments) which makes me feel very uncomfortable

I’m a size 14

SourAppleChew · 25/07/2021 04:18

It’s ok to tell a bloke but not a woman. That seems to be the case from what I’ve seen.

Heard plenty of blokes say “hurry up you fat bastard” etc, obviously in jest, but I’ve never once heard a woman call her friend a “fat bitch”.

Thomasina79 · 25/07/2021 04:32

I was on a bus once which was going quite fast, trying to hold on to a large suitcase with a mind of its own. Random stranger next to me said I would find it easier if I was smaller and then changed seats. This was after I had apologised for bumping into him. I was speechless!

WeatherForecast · 25/07/2021 05:22

@SourAppleChew

It’s ok to tell a bloke but not a woman. That seems to be the case from what I’ve seen.

Heard plenty of blokes say “hurry up you fat bastard” etc, obviously in jest, but I’ve never once heard a woman call her friend a “fat bitch”.

This is true. Women are certainly held to different and more stringent beauty standards in our culture. The whole topic of weight seems to land differently for women than it does men, as the pressure to be slim is a lot more intense if you’re a woman.

Personally i was amazed at how many people were happy to take a punt and ask me if I was pregnant or when I was due when I was pregnant! From total strangers I walked past to staff in shops to people at work, none of whom knew I was. Soooo many people mentioned it. I mean I was very visibly pregnant, but I did wonder whether they said that to others too and sometimes got it wrong. Personally I’d never mention it unless the other person did, though I would offer someone a seat if I thought they might be pregnant. I’d rather risk upsetting the feelings of someone who isn’t pregnant than sit there and not offer someone who is pregnant some assistance.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/07/2021 08:40

@SourAppleChew

It’s ok to tell a bloke but not a woman. That seems to be the case from what I’ve seen.

Heard plenty of blokes say “hurry up you fat bastard” etc, obviously in jest, but I’ve never once heard a woman call her friend a “fat bitch”.

Same with weight loss. I lost 5x more than dh. He got complimets straight away. I actually ended up asking friends wtf? "I would never comment on women's weight". Fuck off. Because I have vajajay doesn't make me that more sensitive than my DH who the person complimented before. I want my fucking kudos😑 Dh was baffled by the fact no one, except 2 people, said nothing. 50 kilo difference!
notacooldad · 25/07/2021 10:18

Me and my friend joke that the generation above us like slim people. ( my mum.and my nan) However, not just slim people, it's always " nice and slim" when describing someone!!
I'm sure my nan modelled herself on Wallis Simpson to be as tiny as possible. At parties she used to refuse food by putting her hand up, to turn food away and saying "I couldn't possibly"

It's fair to say I was a source of disappointment as far as my weight went!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/07/2021 11:03

@theheartofthematter

It's funny because I always want to feel that any weight I put on isn't visible but I have recently lost over a stone and want everyone to notice that!
It's odd how this subject affects people (women, particularly) in different ways. I never want people to comment on my weight, gained or lost.

I've dropped several dress sizes and lost a bit of weight during lockdown. Partly down to stress, partly down to being busier and partly down to needing to distract myself so I do a lot of swimming now, also training sessions and these have really toned me.

I'm dreading, seriously dreading, meeting up with my office team again. I don't want anybody to comment and I know they will as the difference is quite stark. For me it's not a compliment and I just don't want it acknowledged at all. People can't seem to help themselves though. I cope with it with family and accept it because they love me, I don't like it though.

SourAppleChew · 25/07/2021 11:54

Expanding on my previous comment, I think it would still be seen as offensive of a slim/normal bloke insulted his fat friend (unless they had a very open relationship).

However, when a man puts on a few lbs you're definitely much more likely to hear the "who ate all the pies"/"you've put on a bit of timber" comments than if it were a woman.

I think this reflects two things. Firstly, men are less concerned as they aren't judged on their looks as much. However, I do think men are in general more resilient too and more used to competition/hierarchy as a standard interaction.

bythebanksof · 25/07/2021 12:01

In general, I'd never say anything like that. I guess the exception is my DH. He has put on weight while working from home, has done a lot less exercise. Told him I think he needs to lose the 10lbs!

However, even if I don't day it, if a person has put on a lot of weight then I certainly notice it, same as if they had lost a lot of weight.

WhatAShilohPitt · 25/07/2021 12:24

No, it’s beyond rude and they need to be embarrassed as much as possible for it since they don’t care much about whether they humiliate or embarrass you. Turn the table. Next time, adopt a look of shocked distress - and look utterly crushed at how awful their comment is. I’m not kidding. Who the fuck do they think they are?!

MolyHolyGuacamole · 25/07/2021 14:52

@joystir59

All I can say is I'd swap a million statements on my thinness or fatness for one day without pan for y love.
@joystir59 I hope you get therapy for your anger and self hatred Thanks
DeflatedGinDrinker · 25/07/2021 16:27

A few of my clients have asked me if I'm pregnant, told me I'm fat etc. A recent one was a fat guy who told me I'd put on loads of weight then said.... you don't mind me saying do you, as it's true. I had to say no as I was at work and need to be professional

DeflatedGinDrinker · 25/07/2021 16:29

I've gone from a size 12 to a 16 during lockdown and am made to feel like an absolute whale.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/07/2021 16:31

@WhoDidAndWhy

It’s rude, but I’m also of the view that commenting on weight loss is rude too. Another person’s weight is not your concern.
But people who've worked hard to lose weigh (as opposed to unwanted weight loss or illness) often WANT you to comment.
MolyHolyGuacamole · 25/07/2021 16:38

But people who've worked hard to lose weigh (as opposed to unwanted weight loss or illness) often WANT you to comment.

If someone says to me 'look how much weight I've lost, how do I look?' Then I'd pay a compliment. But I'm not out here just praising people for weight loss as though they're only worthy if they're thin/thinner. As a society we attach too much value to a person based on looks and size.

Also, a person who's lost a lot of weight quickly might be ill or suffering from an eating disorder. Comments on their size are not helpful in this instance.

I might comment on a person's outfit, 'you look nice today!' But generally it doesn't (shouldn't) matter

SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/07/2021 17:00

Maybe we should stop praising people for graduating too. You know. As a society we put too much value to a degree.
Or wait. Maybe we are praising the work behind it, innit.

Anyone with half brain knows to come in with "Have you lost weight?" Not "omg amazeballs weightloss" if you aren't sure about why they lost. Then go with the reaction. Happy? Go with that. Sad? Go with that.

I wish we could be more like guys and just say things🙄

TwoBrownSugars · 25/07/2021 17:05

I'd not make comments like that to people. But to be honest I would notice it. My DSis has put on a lot of weight over the past 5 years. It's very obvious, but I never mentioned it.

whoslaughingnow73 · 25/07/2021 17:09

It's rude to make personal comments about other people's appearance full stop. Other than a 'you look nice/that's a lovely dress!' (if you mean it!) type thing then I steer well clear.

But I would also say something if someone commented like this to me at the time because I can't abide rudeness. It's probably the only time the old MN cliche of 'did you mean to be so rude?' would work!

VanGoSunflowers · 25/07/2021 17:11

Family/friends - no
GP - absolutely

VanGoSunflowers · 25/07/2021 17:14

This goes for people who have lost weight too, btw.

I’ve been through a very stressful time recently (work issues and divorce) and my appetite suffered as a result. Was still eating but not as much and I did lose a few pounds (I’m already slim)
Had a few people think it was ok to tell me I ‘need to put some weight on’ or ‘whatever you do, don’t lose anymore’ or ‘you need to eat more chocolate’

It’s rude and insensitive and at that point in my life, my appearance was the least of my worries.