Is it ok for people to comment if you’ve put on weight?

[cooperbug]

Would you be offended if family members and other random people had commented that you had put on weight or asked if you were pregnant?

This has happened twice to me this week and I’m so angry and upset by it?

How would you respond?

I'm sorry for your loss.
However, your circumstances do not set the bar for what others are allowed to be hurt or upset by. Nor do they excuse fat phobia.
Its very self centred and small minded to believe that others can't be hurt by things that you deem less upsetting than your own experiences.

@joystir59

Why is it so incredibly hurtful to have someone say you've gained weight or lost weight?

Really? You honestly cannot see why someone would be upset by this?

@Grapewrath, totally agree with the jealousy comments. My cousin who has been obesely overweight her whole life would make gleeful comments in public if I put on any weight although I have always been fairly slim. I would never dream of mentioning her weight because I knew how sensitive she was about it and wouldn't hurt her feelings like that.

It's rude and personal and designed to belittle.

Would you be offended if family members and other random people had commented that you had put on weight or asked if you were pregnant?

no.... I wouldn't be offended.
I guess I'd take it as opinion or factual, not an insult to be x-body-size. If their opinion isn't nice then I don't need to care about their opinion.

I kind of understand people who are offended.
I note there are lots people who are not offended if you say they have lost weight. Or changed hairstyle. Or anything they put effort into doing that they hope looks nicer than previously.

It's a minefield. I'll chat if someone wants to talk about their body parts or size or appearance, but I try not to have native opinions about such things. I might comment if I thought someone was unhealthily underweight or in denial about their morbid obesity. You owe it to people you love to tell them truths you see that they don't want to face.

I've never commented on anyone's weight but plenty of people have commented on mine. I don't get why it upsets people so much.

I think it’s very rude and would never say anything. In fact I don’t comment even if it’s fairly obvious someone is pregnant…

One of my friends puts on weight on her tummy and is often asked if she’s pregnant. She’s 52 and so responds by saying she’ll take it as a compliment as they obviously think she looks much younger than she is to be pregnant in the first place!
My 6 year old has asked her before which was so embarrassing and I felt awful. My friend took it well but I cringed..

Perhaps our incredible sensitivity about our weight is part of the problem? If the emphasis was on health and not cosmetic appearance perhaps we could have supportive open conversations on the subject.

If it's out of concern, if there is a change in your appearance that might indicate that you are struggling then I think it's perfectly reasonable to say you have noticed and ask if someone is okay. I've had people concerned when I've lost weight and told me so.

@joystir59

My partner actually died of actual cancer a year ago after a dreadful illness. That's painful, that's devastating, not someone asking you if you are pregnant when you are or aren't and not someone telling you you've lost weight or put it on.

Now you’ve told me that my infertility is not painful or devastating, it’s all fine now.

@joystir59

Why is it so incredibly hurtful to have someone say you've gained weight or lost weight?

Because it says all they care about is your appearance. They could ask anything but when the first thing they say is "you've put on weight" it is shallow.

If genuinely concerned about people's weight there are ways to have gentle conversations and express concerns. But only if close to that person.

Very few people live in a society without internalising some of the values of that society. In a world where fat is seen as bad, in a variety of ways, its not really surprising that commenting on someone's weight also carries with it some value judgement. I don't think that many people have such rock solid self esteem and confidence that they are able to brush off an unprompted negative comment from someone unaffected.

And that's before you get to the mindfield of asking someone if they're pregnant which is never as good idea.

Because it says all they care about is your appearance. They could ask anything but when the first thing they say is "you've put on weight" it is shallow. Appearance and changes in appearance are usually an indicator of general wellbeing.

@Pingued

If genuinely concerned about people's weight there are ways to have gentle conversations and express concerns. But only if close to that person.

Why only if you are close to them? I had work colleagues (so not strangers but not close friends or family) express concern when I lost weight.

@kowari

Because it says all they care about is your appearance. They could ask anything but when the first thing they say is "you've put on weight" it is shallow. Appearance and changes in appearance are usually an indicator of general wellbeing.

They can ask "how are you?" If they are worried about your wellbeinf

kowari depends on your work colleagues but if mine started commenting on my extra lock down pounds I'd be insulted likewise if I lost some. I am not there to be a certain weight.

Why only if you are close to them? I had work colleagues (so not strangers but not close friends or family) express concern when I lost weight.

Because the reasons are often deeply personal and not something you want to share with just anyone who happens to ask. I would never want to discuss my weight, health or any other aspects of my personal life with colleagues.

@DysmalRadius exactly! Happy to discuss the weather and the month end figures. But my personal life is off limits.

Being infertile when you want children is devastating. Being fat or thin and someone telling you you look fat or thin isn't devastating. Imo.

@joystir59

Being infertile when you want children is devastating. Being fat or thin and someone telling you you look fat or thin isn't devastating. Imo.

So can’t you see that being asked if you’re pregnant is absolutely awful when you want to be but aren’t?

If the emphasis was on health and not cosmetic appearance perhaps we could have supportive open conversations on the subject.

My partner actually died of actual cancer a year ago after a dreadful illness. That's painful, that's devastating, not someone asking you if you are pregnant when you are or aren't

Do you really think your posts embody the supportive conversations you are advocating?

No. Being told you look pregnant because you are overweight isn't devastating. It's just a comment about ow you present to that person. Being unable to bear a child is devastating. Devastation is a huge state of affairs.

@Pingued

kowari depends on your work colleagues but if mine started commenting on my extra lock down pounds I'd be insulted likewise if I lost some. I am not there to be a certain weight.

If they asked me 'how are you?' then they'd have had the standard answer 'fine, and you?' I was not insulted in the slightest, it showed that they'd noticed and were worried about me. We talk about personal things at work though, it's a manual job so we chat.

All I can say is I'd swap a million statements on my thinness or fatness for one day without pan for y love.

@joystir59

No. Being told you look pregnant because you are overweight isn't devastating. It's just a comment about ow you present to that person. Being unable to bear a child is devastating. Devastation is a huge state of affairs.

I don’t look pregnant because I’m overweight. I’m a size eight. It’s endometriosis causing bloating.

You are coming across as utterly heartless here.