Is it ok for people to comment if you’ve put on weight?

[cooperbug]

Would you be offended if family members and other random people had commented that you had put on weight or asked if you were pregnant?

This has happened twice to me this week and I’m so angry and upset by it?

How would you respond?

Yes it’s rude. I think people mostly mean well but it’s safer (and normally more polite) not to comment on anyone else’s body without being asked as you never know what’s going on or the reason for why their figure may have changed..

@coogee

The ONLY time it's acceptable to comment on someone else's appearance is to compliment them.

This is often trotted out on MN, but surely it depends on the specific relationship you have with the someone else?

I mentioned to my husband this morning that he had put on a bit of weight. It wasn’t a compliment. In the past he has said the same to me.

Yup. That's exactly what o meant by my comment before that it should be ok to discuss weight with people close to you like close family.

Asking about pregnancy, not on.
Telling spouse/parent/child/sibling etc they are putting on weight, ok.

joystir59
Why do people get so upset about someone else's perception of them?
You really can’t see why someone who’s not pregnant would be upset to be thought that they are?
But I had a big fat belly, it was an understandable assumption. How can that be upsetting? Unless I didn't want to face facts.

Why is it so incredibly hurtful to have someone say you've gained weight or lost weight?

Surely the most hurtful thing is the fact that you have gained weight and can't shift it, and have put your joints, heart, pancreas under strain. That's truly sad that we do that to ourselves and can't stop doing it. Like a lot of us are dealing with this in the UK. That's painful.

@joystir59

Why is it so incredibly hurtful to have someone say you've gained weight or lost weight?

You don’t know the reason why they have gained or lost weight. Think about those who have lost or gained weight due to health issues. Then someone comments about this weight loss or gain in a negative manner, how the fuck do you think that they would feel? My dd put on some weight during the lockdown. My mum told my daughter that she had put on weight . My mum wasn’t saying it to be nasty, she adores dd. However, DD was extremely upset and cried for two solid days. When I told my mum, she was mortified .

@joystir59

It's incredibly hurtful to see children waddling along with their fat parents.

Christ

@joystir59

It's incredibly hurtful to see children waddling along with their fat parents.

Hurtful?

It's something I do notice if people have put on, or lost, significant weight. But I don't comment on it.

I've also sometimes though someone might be pregnant, but I'd never make a comment about it either.

It's not OK to comment on someone else's weight, full stop. Regardless of if you have gained weight or lost weight.... There is no need to comment unless the person has raised it them self. My MIL has a habit of constantly telling me how ive lost weight, as if my whole worth is based on that

Putting on a stone, especially round the waist + wearing smock dress would have made you look pregnant. I think it's ok for MIL/family to ask, they will be naturally interested in whether they're going to have another baby in the family. Maybe it would have been better if she discreetly asked your DH but it doesn't change the fact that if you look obviously pregnant, people will ask about it. It's usually a happy occasion and people are happy for you.

That's never ok.

My ex fil used to delight in tellling me I’d gained weight when I’d gone from a size 8 to a 12 despite his own wife sitting next to him being several stone over weight

He was rude, but why is his wife's weight the issue? Did she say anything to you? Because its mostly women who are critiqued on their bodies and the idea that he shouldn't comment because you were still slimmer than his fat wife is not much better than him commenting in the first place.

I think it's ok for MIL/family to ask, they will be naturally interested in whether they're going to have another baby in the family. Maybe it would have been better if she discreetly asked your DH but it doesn't change the fact that if you look obviously pregnant, people will ask about it. It's usually a happy occasion and people are happy for you.

No. Its nobody's business if someone else is pregnant unless they want to tell you. Having to explain to some tactless twat that I wasn't pregnant three days after having a miscarriage made the experience immeasurably worse. And I consider that mild. Someone said it to a friend soon after she'd found out she was infertile and she ended up in good of tears at her own birthday party. If someone wants to tell you they're having a baby, let them. Until then, it's none of your business and such a personal and tactless question to ask.

I think it's ok for MIL/family to ask, they will be naturally interested in whether they're going to have another baby in the family.

It really isn’t. What about waiting until people are ready to tell you?

if you look obviously pregnant, people will ask about it.

What if you’ve just had a miscarriage but still look pregnant? What if it’s your endometriosis that’s stopping you from getting pregnant but making you look like you are?

It's usually a happy occasion and people are happy for you.
If you actually are pregnant and are telling people that. It’s devastating to be asked if you want to be but aren’t.

It’s never ok to ask someone if they’re pregnant.

Personally I don’t mind, it’s usually true (that I’ve put on weight). I come from a SE Asian background though where it’s acceptable. But I would never, ever say it to anyone else. So rude. And I would never ask if they were pregnant!

Why are we so sensitive about our weight though? Why can't it be talked about because some kind of conversation Edd's to be opened up beyond the jokey crap that's socially acceptable. We don't think it's ok to drink ourselves to oblivion or smoke ourselves to death do we? Fat is an issue that we need to talk about. I saw a family walk down the steps onto my local beach a few mornings ago. They were all overweight and several were obese. They plonked themselve and all of their stuff down right there at the bottom.of the steps. Right where all the dogs pause to make their mark. Ok, perhaps there were health or mobility issues that meant they couldn't walk on. There was a mile of clean pristine beach just beyond the steps. I felt sad- this seemed to be in that moment such a symbol of something- we should want more, better for ourselves than a patch of urine soaked sand or some crappy nasty food engineered for maximum profit at least cost. We deserve more! Better access, better opportunities, and better quality food at affordable prices. We need to take control of our own wellbeing.

*Needs

People do this with acne too - very common for comments to be made - as if someone doesn't know their skin looks bad that day. Very distressing, even if the person doesn't show it.

It’s not socially acceptable in the UK.

But it wouldn’t bother me tbh. My weight/size isn’t a reflection on who I am as a person, it’s a reflection on how much I’ve been eating and exercising, and not a moral failing or achievement. Someone mentioning I’d gained weight wouldn’t bother me at all if it was true or if they were mistaken: either it’s a fact and I’m not daft enough to think people can’t tell, or they’re mistaken.

My partner actually died of actual cancer a year ago after a dreadful illness. That's painful, that's devastating, not someone asking you if you are pregnant when you are or aren't and not someone telling you you've lost weight or put it on.

Wow that’s incredibly rude. I wouldn’t say anything even if I thought someone was pregnant unless they were actually giving birth in front of me.

So I repeat, why are we so sensitive about our weight? I've been every size from ten to twenty. I'm food addicted, I've got a difficult relationship with food. I look like I'm drowning in my own I'll gotten flesh when I'm size twenty. I look unhappy and unhealthy. That makes strangers uncomfortable and my loved ones concerned. I'm working hard and doing really well at managing to stay a healthy weight. People tell me I look too thin. I'm wrinkly. I've got saggy crepy skin where the weight dropped off. I don't care, they are battle wrinkles. It isn't about appearance, although I absolutely ove being able to wear all sorts of clothes now. It's about being able to move freely without aching, it's about health.