Is it ok for people to comment if you’ve put on weight?

[cooperbug]

Would you be offended if family members and other random people had commented that you had put on weight or asked if you were pregnant?

This has happened twice to me this week and I’m so angry and upset by it?

How would you respond?

It’s rude and I would never comment on weight gain even if an immediate family member. But then like another poster I never comment on weight loss either - if the dieter brings it up I say that they must be feeling great but I don’t comment on appearance. I don’t want to feed in to people’s feelings of self worth being inextricably linked to a number on the scale.

@joystir59

Let's face it a huge chunk (see what I did there) of the population are either overweight or obese so I don't see why we can't talk about the elephants in the room

Well aren't you a delight.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

People always say we need to talk about things more so they stop being taboo and better help is provided. MH, physical ilnesses, stress, life issues... Anything but weight it always seems.

It's fine if someone mentions their own weight but what is the point of telling someone they've put on weight in casual conversation?

Smock floaty dresses definitely make people think you’re pregnant but no excuse for asking.
I thought my friend was pregnant again when she wore dungarees but I didn’t say anything. I was especially sensitive because I wanted to be. She wasn’t and since told me someone asked her if she was around that time and she was really upset.
It’s always rude. Is MIL wanting another grandchild? Asking hopefully?

It’s rude and hurtful either way. Really don’t know how people don’t know that yet.

No. Nor if you’ve lost it.

My Ex-h's family used to do this, all of them, all the time. And yes, it is absolutely rude. I'm not sure why anyone thinks they are entitled to an opinion on another person at all unless it is directly affecting them.

Hmm. Its a tricky one. I'm bigger than I used to be but I hated how people used to comment how "thin" I was or "straight up and down", "no curves". I'm partly of the mind that if it's OK to comment people have lost weight then its equally OK to say they've gained it. The problem is that a lot of people can't grasp that thin shaming is just as shit as fat shaming.

So rude.

I wish people would piss of with their comments about my weight and ageing process. I have .irrors in my house. I know what I look like without the permanent running commentary.

Completely out of order to comment, even more so to ask if you are pregnant! Ignore the comments from vacuous people.
An item came up on my newsfeed the other day describing a female actor as having 'washboard abs' FF's! what does that even mean?!!
Are we not over the whole obsessing with the way people look? It's so ridiculous. How about more interest in climate change, corrupt politics ie things that actually matter.

@joystir59

I didn't think it was in the least offensive.

Just because you didn't, doesn't mean others are not allowed to be offended, and you don't sound a particularly nice person, there could be a dozen reasons why someone has gained or lost weight, it's rude.

@joystir59

Why do people get so upset about someone else's perception of them?

You really can’t see why someone who’s not pregnant would be upset to be thought that they are?

The ONLY time it's acceptable to comment on someone else's appearance is to compliment them.

This is often trotted out on MN, but surely it depends on the specific relationship you have with the someone else?

I mentioned to my husband this morning that he had put on a bit of weight. It wasn’t a compliment. In the past he has said the same to me.

I think a sensitive discussion with your spouse or close relative is fine. Your mother in law asking if you’re pregnant? Not so much.

I had the same with dh over lockdown. He hadn’t realised he’d put 3kg on, which has gone now.

I've been asked a few times due to having a fat, bloated tummy. I find it quite funny, personally.

I should add though if my MIL commented on my weight to be critical, I'd be fucked off.

I think those who would think it OK to comment negatively (in either direction, of weight loss or gain) are missing how terribly hurtful their minor (to them) comment can be. Years and years ago a friend of a friend said to me at a party, “wow you look healthy!”, when I was heavier than I wanted to be.
She was always very slim and I knew what it meant and years later it still stings. It is a reaction I can’t help and know it is out of proportion. I’m sure she would never have said it had she realised how much it would sting. It’s better to not comment, you can’t know people’s thresholds of sensitivity or what an impact your comment might have.

Ooh, cross posted! One stone isn't a lot to gain really so I bet it was the dress
I disagree! It really is a lot to gain especially if not pregnant or for medical reasons.

I was reintroduced or my mother's friend who I hadn't seen in over 25years. She was trying trying to recall if she had met me and then said "ah, yes, last time we met you were a lot thinner'" I still bring that up every time mum mentions her name, the rude bat!

@theheartofthematter

It's funny because I always want to feel that any weight I put on isn't visible but I have recently lost over a stone and want everyone to notice that!

I feel this!!!

I personally don't think it's ever ok to comment on someone's body

@Neondisco

I personally don't think it's ever ok to comment on someone's body

I mostly agree, except when you know for certain they’ve been trying hard to lose weight.

Ds was only a month old when my SIL ( who hadn’t seen me for six months) said that I looked ‘enormous’ and had let myself go .I put on a brave face and laughed it off, but was extremely upset.
I eventually lost all the weight over a year or so and felt great. SIL never mentioned my weight loss.
I just think that many people commenting about weight gain are just being nasty and vindictive.
Also, I would never ask someone if they are pregnant even if they look far along, because there could be another reason for a bloated stomach , for example fibroids

@jacqelinedaniels

I think those who would think it OK to comment negatively (in either direction, of weight loss or gain) are missing how terribly hurtful their minor (to them) comment can be. Years and years ago a friend of a friend said to me at a party, “wow you look healthy!”, when I was heavier than I wanted to be. She was always very slim and I knew what it meant and years later it still stings. It is a reaction I can’t help and know it is out of proportion. I’m sure she would never have said it had she realised how much it would sting. It’s better to not comment, you can’t know people’s thresholds of sensitivity or what an impact your comment might have.

I agree. People should not say anything.

I guess it depends. Years ago when I was living alone I had a really tough time with my mental health and I put on 100lbs in just over a year due to misery eating and booze. It was a shocking amount of weight. Looking back, I can’t believe no one in my family or friend group asked if I was ok when we met up. I felt so alone and like no one cared I was obviously really battling with something inside.

Of course that’s different from a lot of the other examples here.

It’s normally jealousy or spite tbh
My ex fil used to delight in tellling me I’d gained weight when I’d gone from a size 8 to a 12 despite his own wife sitting next to him being several stone over weight
A have also had one of two very overweight friends who have delighted in telling me I’ve gained weight despite being far larger.
If someone is deliberately being unkind they are usually jealous of you or have some stuff if their own going on