AIBU to ask what stopped you breastfeeding (if you wanted to)

[IonaLeg]

Hi all. I have been asked to help set up a breastfeeding peer support group in my area. I’m thinking about the kinds of advice and support it would be useful to offer. I was wondering if I could garner some opinions.

This isn’t for people who chose not to breastfeed and were happy with that choice - I think that’s a completely valid decision, and every woman’s right to decide what’s best for her and her baby. I have absolutely nothing against formula, which is a great alternative to breastfeeding which gives babies all the nutrition they need. I don’t think women who are happy with the choice to formula feed need advice or support - happy mums and babies don’t need anyone else getting involved.

The question is more for women who wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t work out. Statistics suggest there is a large gulf between the percentage of women who want to try breastfeeding before their babies are born, and those who actually breastfeed for any length of time. This suggests there are lots of women who want to breastfeed, but it doesn’t work out for them.

If this was your experience, would you mind sharing what the challenges you faced were? For example, was it pain, undiagnosed tongue tie, lack of support at home, poor advice or instruction, inadequate supply, public shaming (or fear of this) etc. And, is there anything you can think of which would have helped you with these challenges?

I’ll share my story too, in the interests of fairness - I was able to breastfeed, but only because I have a midwife in my family and she gave me daily advice and support on getting a good latch (and millions of other questions). I’ve since been able to offer help to other members of my family who had their babies after me.

That’s why I’m really keen on this support group - to see if we can help other women benefit from peer support and advice. We have a midwife involved, but she thinks peer support is really crucial.

Thanks so much in advance if you’re able to respond.

The best solution for me was a mixture of both - breast and bottled fed. I found it difficult to exclusively breast feed, but didn’t want to stop doing it, so mixed it up. Mums are told breast OR bottle, and not often told they can do both.

I did manage to breastfeed (am sitting here feeding actually) but that was through luck rather than support. What I would suggest is:

• offer realistic information sessions before the birth that include info for partners/families. For instance my mum didn't bf so didn't know how to help but may have benefitted from being included in information sessions.
• if you say you will call/visit/help then actually do it. Apparently I was out on a list for a second visit to support as I was struggling, and then they would consequently book again. The second visit never came and I didn't have any contact details to chase it up
• be realistic about mixed feeding etc
• have support available for when people want to stop, at whatever point. Stopping bfing dd1 was actually quite tough and made me consider whether I would bf dd2 for so long, if at all

I couldn’t get ds to latch.

Mixed feeding is such a good point. I never did it because I was scared of what I had read about dwindling supply etc - as well as a weird Puritan sense that I would have ‘failed’ if I did it. Some useful, honest, accurate information about it would have helped me enormously. That’s a great suggestion already, thank you.

@Iusedtobethin latch is such a biggie. I had my relative literally holding my boob at one point to help me work it out. I couldn’t have done it on my own. You think in advance the baby will just know how to do it and it’s a bit of a shock when they can’t.

Baby wouldn't latch properly.

She would drink for about 30 seconds then fall asleep. Spend ages waking her up and then she would drink a fre seconds and fall asleep. Her weight was on the low side and jaundiced. I could not afford to have her not get enough milk.

Similar with baby 2. But she also had low blood sugars when born. And a low temp. So they suspected sepsis. So I had to give her top ups to bring her sugars up. I tried to breastfeed her again. Poor latch and she kept falling asleep. I was more prone to give up easier the second time round - cos it hadnt worked despite how hard I'd tried the first time.

I had no milk supply. I really tried hard this time with the third but had nothing for her. Also my nipples were agony and no one told me about the cold gel pad you can get for inside your bra. I didn't discover them until it was too late and had already had to stop.

Thought it was low supply, now it could have been anything from :
Misdiagnosed TT (MW said at birth there was one but gp about 9wk later said there may be one)
Upon researching myself could not be high palate and I'm pretty certain recessed jaw.
CMPA intolerance
Reflux
Silent reflux
Currently on elimination diet for CMPA
Currently on gaviscon for reflux
Who fucking knows!!!! I just know my baby is not feeding well and is in pain 😭😭😭

I was so ill after the birth that my milk dried up. I persisted for a few weeks but it was clear things were just getting worse.
I also had trouble with the latch and because I had a slipped disc, I couldn't hold my baby in a good position without being in agony.
I'll probably try to bf my second baby but if it doesn't work out I'll be less bothered than last time.

And yup, the baby struggled to latch properly too. She was just sulking nipple. I don't know if it was because of covid but no one would actually get physical with me to show me how, or even get close enough to see what was going on.

I did breast feed for eight months with both DC and struggled massively with cracked nipples etc. Then things were great but when I went back to work I would have loved to do morning and evening or night feeds but my supply just started to dry up. I was a bit sad.

I couldn't get the latch right , post c section pain and a delay in my milk coming in meant DS was losing too much weight. Mostly though the pain . Like razor blades on my nipples and the tugging in my c section scar area along with DS not latching on actually started to make me feel like a huge failure as a mother. My mental health was being impacted and the lovely HV suggested it was more important that I was mentally well and baby fed so I switched to formula and I truly believe it stopped my from going mad

Support is great, particularly in the first six weeks which sees the biggest fall off.

But paying women is even more effective. Unsavoury amongst the middle classes who frown upon money as a motivator (because they don't need it themselves) but shown to be of 'policy changing' effectiveness according to a recent pilot.

So just chuck £200 at every woman still doing it after six weeks. Very easy to manage. Probably cheaper than trying to put loads of ad-hoc support in place too.

My daughter was initially nil to mouth when born, and in intensive care. Then she was moved to a hdu, where the support for breastfeeding just wasn't available to me. I was in a city and hour away from my home, so only my husband and I was there so I didn't have support from anybody who had breastfed to help me. The nurses asked me if I wanted to try formula just to give her something, whilst we were figuring out breastfeeding. So we did. Then I couldn't get her to latch, and she settled so well on formula we just ended up sticking with that. She was happy, healthy and eating. That was all that mattered to me at that point. I have no regrets with the way it ended up being.

Silent reflux for us. By the time diagnosised (2 months old) my supply was rock bottom and baby was 'failure to thrive'.

Lack of midwife support in unit. My baby was on NICU and I asked for help expressing and got told I had been shown once already and left to it.

I'm still undecided with #2

I breastfed DS and he was hospitalised at 4 months with failure to thrive and was extremely underweight. I had a breastfeeding consultant, she said I was doing everything right. I expressed and have top up feeds to no avail.

Every health visitor said it was normal and I went to weekly weigh-ins.

It wasn't normal and he was very ill by the time we got to hospital.

This time I'm contemplating breastfeeding but top up feeds with formula. I've got a meeting with a bf support worker so hopefully I'll get some advice

I continued through sheer arrogance to prove a point but what would have stopped me was the pain. Feeding DS1 was utterly awful, I dreaded every feed, cried every time he latched for weeks. Now I’ve had and fed other dc’s my chi more easily I suspect it was a dodgy latch or tt but everyone kept telling me things looked good and the pain would stop soon. The c section recovery pain was a doddle compared to the nipple pain!

Sorry could be high palate

I did a mix of breast and formula too. Breastfeeding was bloody painful and the 'ah if you're doing it properly it doesn't hurt' rhetoric was bullshit because our nipples aren't used to being sucked on 16 hours a day!

I almost cracked after two weeks but accepting that it was ok for baby to have formula too saved my journey.

Not quite what you asked for because I'm still feeding 17 months on but my DD had a diagnosed tongue tie and there was an amazing support group who without I'd have definitely given up. They came round or called every day or every other day until after she had her TT snipped.
Her latch was always good so I didn't need support there but just the general checking in and moral support was invaluable

I exclusively breastfed dc1 for 6 months but bottle fed dc2 from birth. The difference was with dc1 he fed stright after birth and i continued despite a spell in special care. Before i had dc2 i always said i wouldn't pressure myself the way i had the first time and if it happened it happened but essentially i would do what I feel is best at the time. I couldn't feed due to dc2 being unwell at birth and was whisked away to SCBU and tube fed a glucose drip before gradually being tube fed milk later then progressing to bottle. I couldn't expressa and was just grateful he was getting something and didnt change it when he was discharged because he was thriving and i was traumatised and had another child to think about too.

@chunderwunder fucking nuts and so insensitive I guess you've never struggled ODFOD

With my first I persevered through extreme nipple shredding and bleeding, because I really bought into the idea of breast is best. I believed all the propaganda around giving them a bottle or dummy is giving in, and they will never take the breast again. I think this contributed to pna and pnd for me. By the time I tried a bottle my ds wouldn't have it, it was awful as I had to leave him with dh several evenings a week and he wouldn't feed.
Nobody would/could give me any advice to help me and I felt very alone.

With my second I gave her a bottle very early on and mix fed successfully. It was a very different experience! The advice I wish I had been given - do whatever you want, all options are possible and valid.

I didn’t need money as an incentive @chunderwunder

Formula is so expensive that you save at least that if you breastfeed. I don’t think it’s money.

DD had a tongue tie which was undiagnosed initially. Postnatal ward told me she was lazy. Luckily I found a private TT specialist who offered support with feeding also and my community midwives were pretty good with bf support. The only way I could feed DD was nipple shields to start with and even the midwives were very anti them. I couldn't have coped exclusively pumping for very long and the nipple shields were vital in us being able to bf. DD has just turned 1 and is still bf.