AIBU to ask what stopped you breastfeeding (if you wanted to)

[IonaLeg]

Hi all. I have been asked to help set up a breastfeeding peer support group in my area. I’m thinking about the kinds of advice and support it would be useful to offer. I was wondering if I could garner some opinions.

This isn’t for people who chose not to breastfeed and were happy with that choice - I think that’s a completely valid decision, and every woman’s right to decide what’s best for her and her baby. I have absolutely nothing against formula, which is a great alternative to breastfeeding which gives babies all the nutrition they need. I don’t think women who are happy with the choice to formula feed need advice or support - happy mums and babies don’t need anyone else getting involved.

The question is more for women who wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t work out. Statistics suggest there is a large gulf between the percentage of women who want to try breastfeeding before their babies are born, and those who actually breastfeed for any length of time. This suggests there are lots of women who want to breastfeed, but it doesn’t work out for them.

If this was your experience, would you mind sharing what the challenges you faced were? For example, was it pain, undiagnosed tongue tie, lack of support at home, poor advice or instruction, inadequate supply, public shaming (or fear of this) etc. And, is there anything you can think of which would have helped you with these challenges?

I’ll share my story too, in the interests of fairness - I was able to breastfeed, but only because I have a midwife in my family and she gave me daily advice and support on getting a good latch (and millions of other questions). I’ve since been able to offer help to other members of my family who had their babies after me.

That’s why I’m really keen on this support group - to see if we can help other women benefit from peer support and advice. We have a midwife involved, but she thinks peer support is really crucial.

Thanks so much in advance if you’re able to respond.

Baby's latch was not correct to start and it was so toe curling painful that I almost quit. We didn't have any family around but I managed to get a lactation consultant around on Day 3 who helped straighten things out. Super supportive partner made all the difference.

@chunderwunder as you know yourself, the issue with throwing money at a problem is that it does absolutely nothing to understand the reason why there is a problem in the first place. It's lazy. It smacks of 'Why bothering trying to understand women and their problems if we can just pay to make them disappear'.

It's like the sugar tax. Nobody stops to think that the reason most families live off takeaways is because two parents working 12 hour days are too knackered to cook afterwards. Nah, make Coca-Cola more expensive, that will solve everything.

I FF BTW. Genuinely couldn't be bothered with BF and no amount of money would have changed my mind quite frankly.

All public health professionals are interested in is increasing rates. Because breastfeeding is shown to have a long term positive impact on health.

A quick win is to pay women, many of whom aren't fussed either way.

Obviously lots of women want to breastfeed and experience upsetting difficulties. Just chucking money at this group won't, of course, work. They need support.

But that's not what I said. I made it clear that, if you were just looking at increasing rates, your most effective approach has been shown to be using a financial incentive. You're reaching a different group of people.

I understand that women who've struggled find that unpalatable, thinking '£200 wouldn't have solved my problems!'. And of course it wouldn't. But, again, I didn't say it would. In fact, my very first comment stated how important support is.

So @PumpingPauper, don't tell me to fuck off. Really.

I also live in a flying start area which does inventivise (is that a word) BF. Next to no one BF.

I do want to add a positive spin though for fairness. BF gave me more freedom than bottle would have ever done. I only ever needed to pack a few nappies, wipes and a spare change of clothing and I could literally go anywhere for any amount of time. I rarely fed in public (usually would retreat to my car or other secluded areas) but I remember one particular instance when I finally got the sling to work and was walking round a shop whilst feeding. It was odd but nobody could see what was going on in there (unless they were very tall I guess) and life outside of the house was a doddle. And when I did adjust to co-sleeping my sleep would be broken to attach but I could just go back to sleep straight afterwards. I would say that it’s incredibly important to be more upfront about the difficulties of BF but also look more realistically at the positives. It’s definitely difficult but it has a lot of pluses too to the mother rather than focusing on abstract shit like ‘they’ll be more secure’ or ‘clever’ - which isn’t really measurable anyway.

DD was pulled out with forceps which gripped so hard they permanently dented her skull. She would howl when she tried to suck.

She was born with a tummy full of mucus so had no motivation to feed. Had to syringe formula in to get the mucus put before BF had a change. I hand expressed colostrum for her until my milk came in.

When my milk came in my boobs ballooned to a size Kk cup. No drop cup/maternity bras in that size. Had to wear normal underwired ones which meant conventional feeding when out and about would have meant a complete strip of my top half.

Grown men are afraid of my boobs at the best of times. DD looked terrified of them looming. I expressed all of her milk and gave her it in Breastflow bottles.

She has a severe upper lip tie (not discovered until teeth started coming in) which affected her latch. And my nipples are huge and I had very fast letdown - was worried she might drown.

As it was I EE’d for the first year. No idea how these days!

I gave up about 14/15 months I was back at work expressing didn't work for me, DS was eating really well and he had gotten quite bitey and was getting ambivalent about breastfeeding. Sheer bloody mindedness and money were the only thing that helped me, DS had a significant posterior tongue tie and just couldn't latch, the wait to have it snipped on the NHS which they recommended, was 11 weeks, by which point I'd have had no chance of breast feeding. I tried all kinds of pumps and they just didn't work for me, hospital and HV just tried to push me towards formula saying it wasn't worth the stress, they didn't listen when I said the stress was being caused by not being able to breastfeed my baby and my preference being dismissed. I paid privately and got an appointment within two days when he was 3 weeks old. After the snip I used nipple shields initially because he was used to a bottle and persisted persisted persisted, eventually we got going my supply increased and life was good. I then developed Reynaud's of the nipple, GPs first suggestion just stop breastfeeding and give him formula. I wanted to scream. Luckily I am really bloody stubborn and was happy to research myself.

The best solution for me was a mixture of both - breast and bottled fed. I found it difficult to exclusively breast feed, but didn’t want to stop doing it, so mixed it up. Mums are told breast OR bottle, and not often told they can do both
This was my situation as well.
I was told that the baby would get confused between a test and a nipple and I believed them. My husband told me not to be so bloody ridiculous.
He was right.

I did breastfeed but if I was the type to listen to what others tell me, such as my mother, MIL or SIL (who all thought I was mad for doing it) I might have stopped because I was incorrectly told:

Babies should be on 4 hourly feeds
Babies should be sleeping through the night after a few weeks
He is a hungry baby clearly breastmilk isn't enough
Dad can't 'bond' with baby if he doesn't do feeds

There is more but I can't remember them all.

Education on 'normal' newborn behaviour should be prioritised, you just need to read birth boards on other sites to see how many people give up because baby feeds a lot (normal) so clearly their 'milk isn't enough'

The exhaustion is probably a big factor too, in fact if DD wasn't a bottle refuser I might have given up when she was a baby as she did.not.sleep.ever and no one could help.

Hideous pain, utter shame and humiliation feeding in public and sleep deprivation as no one could help with night feeds. I felt so guilty, isolated and anxious. I wish I’d given up but was under huge pressure from my partner to continue. It affected my bond with my baby and I still don’t feel the same towards my partner years later.

DS1 - exclusively breastfed with no problems and stopped when he was 1. I'm not sure how or why, it just worked out that way.

DS2 - we were both ill when he was born and he was given a bottle as his 1st feed. He was very big and hungry and my milk didn't come in for a few days. I didn't really get any support in hospital and ended up giving him more bottles. I did persevere with breast feeding and pumping but it was always very difficult , not helped by him having multiple allergies. I ended up giving up completely when he was around 4 months and was prescribed allergen free milk, by this point he was pretty much refusing breast milk anyway.
Just to add I did seek advice and was told at a breastfeeding clinic to only breastfeed on demand and to take lots of time, which didn't work while looking after a toddler. The health visitor was very dismissive (despite me bursting into tears) and told me to bottle feed.

I bf for beyond a year and the things that could have made me give up early were mainly the many various types of pain: thrush, cracked nipples, engorgement, mastitis and also the time it took (I had to do all the feeds, time taken to seek out support, travel there etc), and then having spend money (nursing bra, pumps, pads, bags etc) obviously you have to buy formula but it’s more of a certain outcome.

With my first I couldn't get him to stay latched on. I expressed for him for almost 3 months then moved to formula. I was absolutely gutted.

Ds2 I'm still breastfeeding now at almost 8 months. He had a bad tongue tie but I went privately to get it sorted quickly instead of waiting for the nhs.

8 months with my daughter, 6 weeks with my son. With both suffered from massive over supply with violent let down, my daughter learnt to cope but my son never did. Was never given any help with oversupply, I'd wake up matters sheet drenched, massive puddle of milk on the floor. There is no help with over supply, I was afraid to pump In case it increased supply. Also I have enormous breaststroke with nipples on the end rather than on front and there was no way to discreetly feed when out, and rightly or wrong I just felt so exposed and self conscious every time I had to feed out of the house. Having large breasts meant comments stares gripes etc from teens onwards which I'm sure contributed to my feelings of exposure.

I had no idea it would be so hard! Wish someone had told me it might be. It was extremely painful for me and I just didn’t know it would be.

I thought my first baby would just latch on and away we go, but he never really latched properly despite advice from midwives, health visitor, an NCT breastfeeding advisor and La Leche league, no tongue tie and me trying every position adviser. Nobody could really work out why he just wasn’t interested in my breast and would pull away after 30 seconds or so. I did work out myself eventually that I had a massive supply of milk and a really violent letdown which I think was the ultimate issue. My poor boy would be choking and spluttering and turning away. People kept saying my supply would settle down but it didn’t after 12 weeks and I got raging mastitis and an abscess and just couldn’t face feeding through the pain. It was such a miserable time and I felt a lot of the advice I got was conflicting and made me feel I was doing something wrong.

I tried again with DC2, and it was the same thing, but only lasted 8 weeks this time before I threw in the towel.

I don’t know what would have helped really, but some really clear advice about what the issue was would have made me feel less shit about it all.

I bled so badly my son's would throw up pink . I didn't even try with my daughter.

I breastfed exclusively for 3 months and then a bit of both for the following 6. I gave up because by then DS was eating and I honestly could not do it any longer. It felt like being pregnant and you know you cannot do it much longer and the baby comes. I had to listen to my body and I think DSs appetite was so big it wouldn't have worked much longer.

I saw even two weeks as a huge achievement as even just for those weeks if you can, really benefits the baby.

But what is most important is that the baby is fed. I planned to give it a go and see.

@Queenelsarules

8 months with my daughter, 6 weeks with my son. With both suffered from massive over supply with violent let down, my daughter learnt to cope but my son never did. Was never given any help with oversupply, I'd wake up matters sheet drenched, massive puddle of milk on the floor. There is no help with over supply, I was afraid to pump In case it increased supply. Also I have enormous breaststroke with nipples on the end rather than on front and there was no way to discreetly feed when out, and rightly or wrong I just felt so exposed and self conscious every time I had to feed out of the house. Having large breasts meant comments stares gripes etc from teens onwards which I'm sure contributed to my feelings of exposure.

I was also told oversupply wasn’t a thing and a violent letdown would settle eventually.

I didn't have enough milk. I learned afterwards that this is pretty common for women with PCOS, and I'm pissed none of the HCP's i saw bothered to tell me that. There is medicine I could have taken to help increase my milk supply, I don't actually know if I would have but I should have been given the option

I didn't want to bf but ds was prem and in NICU and I felt pressured to express

Took to it easily with the hospital pump and at home. Once he was stronger he latches onto nipple shields without a problem.

I didnt enjoy it but didn't struggle.

However ds ended up unresponsive one night once home and we rushed him back in. He'd never really gained enough weight (born 3 lb 12. Came out of hospital 3 weeks later just under 4lb)

He was a mystery for days. They ran loads of tests and scans. Ds got less responsive and more ill. I asked every day if it was because of the blood pressure meds I was on. Every doctor said no until one young consultant visited and said it was. I stopped bf that day and he turned a corner and started to gain colour and weight.

The meds are usually safe. Ds was just an outlier. I was happy enough to give up bf but I understand why others wouldn't be.

I bf cos I'm basically a swot and wanted to do it 'right.' See also: wooden toys, weaning at 6 months, touchy feely books, no chocolate, organic bloody chip stix If the message had been ff is best, I'd have done that.

But.

The pain was horrendous. As was lack of sleep and feeling resentful off constantly feeding. Thank god I discovered what cluster feeding was. I used to take paracetamol roughly half an hour before I thought ds due a feed. It was thrush, which we kept passing back and forth.

I also had shit advice from mum and hv and had other women tell me how weird they thought bf was. But I ignored that.

My DS was mixed fed from birth. He was 5 weeks early and, as is common with premature babies, couldn't latch at first. Support at the hospital was ok, but sporadic, and one horrible midwife told me I was "starving" my baby, when actually I would have fed him anything and was just begging for help but he couldn't even take a bottle at one stage. Thankfully, a wonderful NICU nurse stepped in and helped me, and they supported me to pump and feed expressed milk. I was so upset by the "starving" comment I continued to mix feed until he was 6 months, despite the fact that it was totally unnecessary as by then he was breastfeeding successfully.

In the interim, once he could latch, I battled recurrent thrush that GPs and practice nurses were hugely misinformed about and didn't treat effectively, poor latch, vasospasm and the terrible pain that those things bring. It was pretty horrid and caused a lot of stress. If I hadn't been able to afford paid support from a lactation consultant, and my local area didn't have such good breastfeeding support services, I would absolutely not have continued. As it is, I fed him until 16 months, and when we stopped it was a mutual thing, he was no longer bothered about it and I was ready for it to end.

I kept going because I'm stubborn as fuck and privileged to have been able to afford additional support and live in an area with fantastic breastfeeding support services (if you know who to ask and where to look for them). Had it not been for those things I would have stopped and the reasons would have been: poor communication and lack of support from some midwives postnatally, premature baby without suckle/latch reflex, thrush that wasn't treated effectively until I paid for help, latch issues and subsequent pain until I paid for help.

Tongue tie. Both my babies had it and both of them were missed at hospital even when it messed up feeding and there were classic signs (eg clicking sounds, lipstick shaped nipples). I assumed they were normal and stuck it out until my baby threw up and it was red because I'd been bleeding so much. The second baby, as i know its hereditary, I asked the hospital to double check and they had a quick look in the babys mouth and said it was fine.

When I got the tt snipped the tt practitioner did 7 separate checks eg feeling how the tongue moved around the mouth etc and only one of them was just looking in the mouth.

It just makes me mad there is so much pressure to breastfeed but tt is so common and there are hardly any people that are trained to diagnose it and then when it is diagnosed, the waiting list to get it snipped where I am is 6 to 10 weeks. By which time the window for establishing breastfeeding is over. I was lucky enough to be able to go private but lots of people dont have that option. I just know so many people with similar stories. Apparently 1 in 10 babies have tt

No milk. Despite spending a small fortune on lactation consultants and every supplement under the sun.

Stopped when dd was three weeks and wasn’t gaining any weight.

My baby was in NICU and my mental health was tanking. They went on and on at me saying the only way he could go home (and me) was if he was feeding well. They didn't help me to breastfeed and would swoop in if my baby cried and gave him a bottle of my expressed milk- I really think they just wanted him out of there, so that was the easiest way.
By the time we got home he was so used to the bottle that he wouldn't take the nipple, and the pumping/ sterilising/ feeding regime was exhausting so I started on formula.
Like someone else mentioned, I wish we could have tried to combination feed. I felt so much pressure about milk supply etc and feeding him properly that I thought as soon as he didn't take the nipple, that was it, and breastfeeding was over. If I knew what I knew now, I would have taken the pressure off and given him formula but kept trying him on the boob. It felt very all or nothing with breastfeeding which panicked me