AIBU to ask what stopped you breastfeeding (if you wanted to)

[IonaLeg]

Hi all. I have been asked to help set up a breastfeeding peer support group in my area. I’m thinking about the kinds of advice and support it would be useful to offer. I was wondering if I could garner some opinions.

This isn’t for people who chose not to breastfeed and were happy with that choice - I think that’s a completely valid decision, and every woman’s right to decide what’s best for her and her baby. I have absolutely nothing against formula, which is a great alternative to breastfeeding which gives babies all the nutrition they need. I don’t think women who are happy with the choice to formula feed need advice or support - happy mums and babies don’t need anyone else getting involved.

The question is more for women who wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t work out. Statistics suggest there is a large gulf between the percentage of women who want to try breastfeeding before their babies are born, and those who actually breastfeed for any length of time. This suggests there are lots of women who want to breastfeed, but it doesn’t work out for them.

If this was your experience, would you mind sharing what the challenges you faced were? For example, was it pain, undiagnosed tongue tie, lack of support at home, poor advice or instruction, inadequate supply, public shaming (or fear of this) etc. And, is there anything you can think of which would have helped you with these challenges?

I’ll share my story too, in the interests of fairness - I was able to breastfeed, but only because I have a midwife in my family and she gave me daily advice and support on getting a good latch (and millions of other questions). I’ve since been able to offer help to other members of my family who had their babies after me.

That’s why I’m really keen on this support group - to see if we can help other women benefit from peer support and advice. We have a midwife involved, but she thinks peer support is really crucial.

Thanks so much in advance if you’re able to respond.

My baby had tongue tie, after it was recognised (took a local group like yours for me to realise that's what it was) I went on to feed until 12 months. I then had enough and was ready to stop and gradually weaned my baby onto cows milk. I also think it's important for mums like me to know it's ok to stop. You don't need to feed until natural weaning. Don't get me wrong I would have loved to have done that but I was feeling trapped and didn't want to start struggling with my mental health.

So I've had 2 children, both I gave up on around day 5. They were 10lb6 and 11lb, I'm not sure this is relevant.

They fed every 45 mins after the end of the last feed, from birth. This isn't an over exaggeration, I logged it. DD took 45 min to feed too, DS was about 25 mins. By day 5 I just could not cope with the exhaustion any longer. I dont know if this is normal and I just can't cope with that little sleep like others or if something was wrong. I was also in agony with sore blistered nipples by this point. My latch was checked by multiple midwives and they all said it looked great.

When they had formula they slept for a couple of hours. Now I accept you can feed laying down and rest but I didnt feel comfortable doing that with no 1 and I was in for a week after no 2 as he had an infection and the midwives wouldn't let me cosleep.

I am genuinely interested if you have any opinions on why it didnt work for me, it's something I think about a lot.

Thank you so much - these responses are enormously helpful. And some of them are heartbreaking - the pressure women are put under, often with no corresponding support, is terrible.

There's a massive postcode lottery where I live - you live in one area you get the BF specialist coming to see you several times a day in hospital, live in my area and you get a HCA telling you you're doing well when you get discharged.

First baby didn't latch, no midwife support, only local BF group met 5 miles away and the first meeting I could get to was 11 days after birth, which was obviously too late.

Second latched but it was so painful that I nearly ended up with an infection - echoing PP it was worse than the pain from my section. I'd pump and the milk would just be pink. This was in lockdown 2, midwives weren't interested as I'd already started supplementing with formula and the support group just basically said "he just needs to be on the boob 24/7" which isn't realistic when you're literally screaming in pain and have an older child to look after.

I'd like to see more support, more realistic advice, better info on pumping/mixed feeding.

My milk dried up. I wasn't producing enough to feed DS. It was bloody miserable. The Health Visitor was bloody useless and kept encouraging me to keep trying. He was hungry and I was exhausted. I still cannot understand why a supposed health professional hadn't spotted the problems we were having.

It took my friend, who was a senior nurse to come round to meet DS and spot the problem. She went out and bought bottles and formula. DS guzzled down the first bottle and slept for hours. As did I. We didn't look back after that.

First baby, the pain was unbearable. I was young and got no help. 3 weeks was my limit before I introduced a bottle, then I mixed fed for another 3 weeks before going on to bottles permanently.
Second baby, battled through the same pain and eventually it went, she fed until 16 months but never slept through until I stopped.
Third baby, didn't want to do another 16 months without sleep so planned on mixed feeding from 8 weeks. Once she'd had a bottle, that was it. Wouldn't latch back on.
Fourth baby, fed for 16 months again as I didn't want to risk another baby that wouldn't latch after a bottle. She weaned herself when I got pregnant again.
Fifth baby fed until she was two. Little sod.

The first six weeks were hell for me with every child I've had. That's the most off-putting thing for me. All my children were latched on correctly and I was constantly told it shouldn't hurt. Made me feel that I was doing it wrong.

1. To be blunt I had flat nipples and the midwifes were very much against even trying nipple shields and overall pretty clueless.
2. Also dummy advice I was told no way before 6 weeks.

So I guess point 1. Is having the physical support and point 2. Is whilst this may well be true don't shut mums off to the idea of not trying certain things. I could have been struggling to bf and introduced a dummy and it have a negative affect but in the contrary I could have introduced one and it may have made bf successful.

Undiagnosed tongue tie, shit latch and lack of support with either of those things, feeds lasting 50 minutes every 2 hours, finished off with a particularly nasty bout of the nip thrush.

I had a preemie who was in NICU for weeks, initially fed donor milk via NG tube (amazing people who donate!) whilst waiting for my supply to come in, but then I was put on different meds (had had pre E) and they weren’t compatible with bf so I was told to pump and dump for a week which was soul destroying.

Dc was too small to properly latch for long enough and couldn’t come home until 24 hours worth of feeds had been observed so I gave in after 5 weeks and fed expressed milk in a bottle so he could come home with a view to trying breast when comfortable at home.

Didn’t really work, wasnt until a lovely b/f support worker came out and diagnosed tongue tie which was snipped, and then suggested nipple shields, that we got anywhere and had a couple of perfect weeks. We did a mix of bf and expressed then, but severe reflux didn’t help and a hospital stay where they wanted to measure input, plus the drain of pumping and feeding in the night with a screaming refluxing baby meant I eventually gave up and went to formula. I was so upset about it for so long and still think that if I’d have got more support on NICU and the TT diagnosed earlier we could have persevered. But the bf worker was amazing and so lovely when I said I was giving up. She really really helped.

@IonaLeg I always said I'd try breastfeeding but if it didn't work out for my baby or me, then it'd be straight onto formula.

The antenatal classes were useless in helping to prepare for breastfeeding as they were all on zoom.

After giving birth, my daughter wouldn't latch on. The initial midwife was lovely and was very thorough in showing me different ways etc.

However, after that, I was on my own. I was given a pump to try and express with no help at all. When I buzzed for help, it was a quick demonstration and off they went. Though the midwife and the assistant on the night were amazing, I was desperate to try and sleep. The midwife in the day was absolutely horrendous. She refused to discharge me until id breastfed even though I physically couldn't get her to latch on. In the end, I had to pretend to breastfeed and top up with formula just so I could get discharged. Because of her, I went straight onto formula and its the best thing we did

I wanted to breastfeed but my son had trouble latching on and i had no way to know if he was getting milk. I asked midwives and they did try and help but there just a lot of conflicting advice.

One midwife says i'm holding him perfectly. Another says I'm not. Then he had tongue-tie then he didn't. Meanwhile i have a crying premature firstborn baby and I'm confused.

He was trying to suck and it seemed i was doing alright but it he wasn't getting enough. He needed to be topped up with formula. It took the best part of a week for my milk to come through properly and by then i just wanted him to be nourished.

I tried to breastfeed after i got home from hospital but then i had even less help. Eventually, i just wanted him fed and it seemed formula was the only way to go.

I had literally zero help in the hospital with BF. I asked so many times but I was basically just ignored - as a result my DD was formula fed at the start. I did try and breastfeed but she had poor latch, and my supply dropped after a couple of weeks... I kept persevering (pumping and trying to feed her) and eventually 14 weeks later I forced the hospital to help me and this wonderful lady at the breast clinic saved my BF journey. It was tough though, and that's a whole other point in itself - I was pumping after every second feed, topping up with formula in between, power pumping throughout the night.... it almost broke me. It had a big impact on my mental health and I know from a lot of women's experiences, that doing the same (or relactation) was so so difficult it wasn't worth it. I had my own personal reasons for wanting to BF, and once I'd cracked it, it became much easier. Ended up exclusively breastfeeding until I stopped three weeks ago at 15m.

Very proud of my journey BUT I don't think there's enough education around BF - supply issues, latch, no support, and a pandemic so no hands on help for weeks - all issues I had! I even had a MW tell me my nipples were too big for my baby.............. if I'd had known from the start what issues I'd face, I would've been more well prepared. Also as a FTM it took me a while to be more assertive and ask (demand) help when I knew something was wrong/not working

My ds had really bad reflux and couldn't keep anything down He was failing to thrive and I was getting no support so tired thickened reflux formula. He was still sick loads but managed to keep enough of it down to finally start gaining weight.

I had my daughter during lockdown so there were no peer support groups available. In hospital the midwife said it would be near impossible to breastfeed as I had very large breasts (they are a 30J now) and flat nipples. She gave me syringes for expressing and said if I wanted to give it a go I’d need shields. That was all the help I got. I ended up exclusively expressing for eight months and combo feeding until a year because I struggled with the shields constantly falling off. Using the pump drew out my nipples though so I’d imagine I could have with the right support.

I did contact my local group but was hugely put off as they campaign against formula companies. They are constantly sharing petitions to have it banned. They arranged for group members to boycott the national trust for partnering HIPP organic food. They share research papers telling members that people using formula are destroying the planet. There is no way I’d ever go to them for advice, it must be so upsetting for a new mum who needs help to see it too.

I really wanted to BF and can say it was the most difficult thing over anything else I have ever done and that post grad qualification and every job! Firstly no one explaining despite NCT how it doesn't just come naturally- ds was actually hospitalised due to failure to thrive and I had loads of BF experts and no one could help keep him awake long enough to feed. I got v depressed about not being able to feed felt like I had a billion nurses grab my boob and not believe me. I was hugely tired the whole time as he cried so much and everyone else seemed to get it. Everyone meant well but the pressure of it plus everyone else's ease makes me feel like a failure

I did breastfeed, so don't fit your demographic but I came so close to giving up in the first 48 hours. My babies latch was terrible because he was so small, and no-one talked about how painful or consuming it could be - that needs to be talked about more! Midwives in hospital just made me feel like I was doing it wrong because 'its not supposed to hurt' and 'its the most natural thing in the world'.

I can vividly recall sitting in the sofa just before starting a feed with tears streaming down my face as the first few weeks had destroyed my poor nappies and despite latch improvement, they still needed to heal, and baby still needed to feed!

I think just being more open about the fact that it is hard. It is something you and baby learn together.

The pain was unbearable and I was really unwell after ds was born, I was on bed rest. We made the decision to move to formula/bottles. DH ended up doing night feeds so I could sleep/recuperate. If I'd known more about expressing, pumping and mixed feeding I would have given that a try.

I’ve managed to breastfeed each of my children but what I find incredibly frustrating is the absolute judgemental crap some of the health visitors come out with. And even on my third baby, made me question my decisions.
For example...2nd baby had high palette and I have shallow nipples so I used a breast shield. It worked great, after 2months we managed to get rid of it and fed baby for another 2yrs +. So it came to baby 3 and I just used the shield to help when boobs were super engorged and I also gave him one formula bottle a day because i honestly didn’t want to have another baby solely depending on me for 2yrs+. HV lost her shit and would not stop going on and on about how I was ruining my chances of breastfeeding successfully, cause nipple confusion and it ‘isn’t how things are done.’

I honestly think supporting (even gently promoting) anything that remotely makes the first few weeks/months easier will take the pressure off mums with newborns. Then you’d hope by getting past those really tricky hurdles you will get to the point of it feeling a bit more comfortable and even enjoyable. The statistics of breastfeeding past 6 weeks are quite surprising.

I had an absolutely amazing local support group. Definitely kept me going when it was hard.

I couldn't get my baby to stay on.
He fed ok a couple of times in hospital but nipple was painful and squished and would fall sideways out of his mouth.
We tried everything but he just wasn't a great feeder, I had to go home with formula.
I tried at home and pumped for 3 months but he would just fall asleep on the boob as he struggled to get any milk out. It would be hours of me yelling in frustration trying to get him to breastfeed with him getting more sleepy/crying from lack of milk and working hard so in the end I would give up.
He also favoured one boob as I naturally have one much larger so I had body confidence issues from one massive milk boob and the other small dried up one.

In the end he latched on ok after 3 months but by then my milk was gone, and after trying to build up my supply again for a month and getting really depressed forcing myself to try to bf I called it quits.
Was much happier after that.

I’ve breastfed for over a year now. Not through any brilliance on my part. Just sheer good luck - I ran the breastfeeding gauntlet and just about managed to come out the other side. For too many women the barriers are too high and they are told too frequently it’s their bodies or babies (or both) failing them:

‘Baby isn’t gaining enough weight? Well, the latch looks fine so…you must have a lazy baby…or you don’t produce enough milk…there isn’t any donor breast milk in the hospital though and nobody here has the skills to help you increase your supply so…you should probably just quit.’

‘Your nipples are falling off and bleeding? Oh DARLING that’s part and parcel of breastfeeding! Or maybe baby has a tongue tie? Well it’s a 6 week wait on the NHS to get that snipped so…you should probably just give up.

‘Baby is really unsettled and spitting up a lot? Probably acid reflux. Too difficult to actually find out why so here, have some gaviscon. What do you mean it’s impossible to give?? Just mix it with babies’ bottle…

The list goes on.

Until postnatal care is funded to the degree that giving birth is, breastfeeding will remain a luxury. I’m talking a round-the-clock service of IBCLCs, a 7 day a week tongue tie assessment service, far more training to HCPs re: unsettled babies and a properly ran bank of donor breast milk.

Sorry that’s probably more of a wish list than what’s actually achievable.

When I had DD2 her latch was painful but she was putting on weight well. With DD1 the latch was never painful so I knew something was wrong. Turned out DD2 had a 100% tongue tie. They were reluctant to cut it (despite it being a minor procedure) because she was feeding ok. I got it done anyway but had to be quite assertive. If I hadn’t insisted on getting it snipped then I don’t know how much longer I would have been able to feed her for due to the pain. It went away instantly when she had the procedure and she stopped being sick so much.

I know you asked for stories of people who were unable to continue breastfeeding but I feel like that would have been me if it had been my first baby.

Additionally with DD2 I wanted to express and get her used to taking a bottle as I felt that it was important that I get to spend one on one time with DD1. I did get support and advice about this but again I had to use a fairly firm tone and make it clear I would not be talked out of this. I feel like a nervous young new mum might not have the same experience

My daughter was low weight and jaundiced, her latch was good (we’d had her TT sorted and latch assessed) but it was SO PAINFUL my nipples are now permanently scarred (sorry probably TMI) from 8 weeks of breastfeeding. She wasn’t gaining weight or flushing out the jaundice and eventually the Dr at the jaundice clinic said to give her formula, I felt so much pressure about not switching to formula (from midwives, HV and even my own mother) but it was the best decision, totally changed my relationship with my baby and things got so much better from there, she gained weight, started sleeping more at night (as did we!) my mental health improved and I absolutely loved not being in pain anymore and cherished each feed rather than dreading it.

Wish I’d had a better time with breastfeeding but can honestly say with next baby I wouldn’t spend so long trying to make breastfeeding work and would make the switch to formula earlier with zero guilt

I was v lucky in that an IBCLC who specialized in ties came to a local bf group when I was being told my baby was suffering from dairy/CMPA (and being told he was lazy because of his weak latch-no visible tie meant no tie apparently). She diagnosed a posterior tie (the only person to feel for a tie!) and high palette and I went privately to have the tie corrected. Misdiagnosis of ties seems to be increasingly common (reflux/CMPA/lazy baby to name a few) and treatments that follow never sort the root cause!

Lack.of advice, support and instruction. This was 13 years ago granted. There was no discussion about feeding options while I was pregnant. After giving birth the hospital midwife tried to pump colostrum using a regular breast pump, and squeezed and manipulated me in such a painful way. Because there was such a small amount I felt like I had no milk for my baby. I was very upset and thought I would starve him and immediately said I wanted to bottle feed. At no point was I told my milk didn't come in straight away, just a huffy midwife saying "right, fine" and storming off. I was 22 years old, had no clue what I was doing and my maternity care was shocking.

It’s a lovely stance there you have taken in you OP OP

Two very important things I wish I had been aware of:

1. if you have big boobs - hold the boob. The weigh of the baby having force their chin against boob is exhausting and frustrating when the baby is pushed firmly against you to feed their hold face is pressed against the surrounding area. Make sure there you hold in a way that the baby has a firm latch and support your boob with your hand so the have nipple in mouth but not boob against face.

2. it’s fine to combi feed. If you keep it to the same time every day the body adjusts ( you will naturally produce less milk at that time but not others. Choose a ‘close to nature’ teat, bottle can come out much faster than Brest feeding and make then confused.