AIBU to ask what stopped you breastfeeding (if you wanted to)

[IonaLeg]

Hi all. I have been asked to help set up a breastfeeding peer support group in my area. I’m thinking about the kinds of advice and support it would be useful to offer. I was wondering if I could garner some opinions.

This isn’t for people who chose not to breastfeed and were happy with that choice - I think that’s a completely valid decision, and every woman’s right to decide what’s best for her and her baby. I have absolutely nothing against formula, which is a great alternative to breastfeeding which gives babies all the nutrition they need. I don’t think women who are happy with the choice to formula feed need advice or support - happy mums and babies don’t need anyone else getting involved.

The question is more for women who wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t work out. Statistics suggest there is a large gulf between the percentage of women who want to try breastfeeding before their babies are born, and those who actually breastfeed for any length of time. This suggests there are lots of women who want to breastfeed, but it doesn’t work out for them.

If this was your experience, would you mind sharing what the challenges you faced were? For example, was it pain, undiagnosed tongue tie, lack of support at home, poor advice or instruction, inadequate supply, public shaming (or fear of this) etc. And, is there anything you can think of which would have helped you with these challenges?

I’ll share my story too, in the interests of fairness - I was able to breastfeed, but only because I have a midwife in my family and she gave me daily advice and support on getting a good latch (and millions of other questions). I’ve since been able to offer help to other members of my family who had their babies after me.

That’s why I’m really keen on this support group - to see if we can help other women benefit from peer support and advice. We have a midwife involved, but she thinks peer support is really crucial.

Thanks so much in advance if you’re able to respond.

I did breastfeed DD but she wouldn't (couldn't) latch at birth or for around 8 weeks after she was born so I pumped round the clock until she was able. I was fortunate that I had money for a private lactation consultant and to hire a hospital-grade pump, a supportive husband who did everything around the house and had a month off work, and otherwise a very easy and contented baby. Without one or any of those things, it would have been a very different story and I may not have persevered as it was hard work, although it was worth it in the end.

In the end, she moved to fully breastfeeding at 3 months and we kept going till she was 1 when she started to lose interest and I figured it would be a painless way to wean, which it was.

Bf was the only thing I felt strongly about. I didn't care about type of birth etc.

DS was 10lb 2 oz. I battled with bf for 2 weeks, he cried constantly and lost too much weight. I got conflicting advice about nipple shields from midwife and HV. I rang the NCT bf counsellor on a Friday evening and she said she was off out with her friends but she'd call me on Saturday. She didn't. That night I sent DH for formula and bottles and DS drank 2 full bottles as if he was starving. He then slept for 8 hours. So that was the end of bf.

With my 2nd I was apprehensive and to start with I mixed fed and bf was going badly. At about day 10 he suddenly got the hang of it and I then ebf for 9 months.

That made me so happy but to this day I'm racked with guilt that I didn't treat them equally.

I had severe anxiety every time milk would leave my nipple, which sounds bizzare I know. As soon as I would begin to breastfeed I was on the verge of a panic attack. For my mental health I switched to formula.

OP I would recommend you engage the services if a qualified lactation consultant who does proper physical checks in babies’ mouth for tongue tie (as described by pp).

My DD’s severe posterior tongue tie was missed by midwives, health visitor, gp, bf supporters and even my own sister who is a midwife. All of them said repeatedly that the latch ‘looked fine’ even though she was clicking, dribbling, had slow weight gain and my nipples were cracked and bleeding.

I used to wheel DD round to the children’s centre every week for the breastfeeding support clinic and always ended up in tears despite them telling me to carry on because I was doing a great job.

I was DESPERATE to breastfeed - I did NCT and knew all about cluster feeding and different holds, feeding on demand etc.

DD was born by EMCS and was in scbu for a week as she was prem. I pumped every 3 hours for that entire week to get my milk to come in (felt like a cow 😩). My supply was fine but my mental health took a massive dive from the pain and worries about weight gain because she just couldn’t seem to feed properly.

I went onto mixed feeding and eventually demanded a referral to a lactation consultant from my hv. The consultant took all of 30 seconds to diagnose her and we had it snipped at 10 weeks. It was too late to save my breastfeeding journey though as DD had got used to bottles and had no interest in breastfeeding.

I managed five weeks with both my DC (who are now teenagers). Despite really wanting to and not really doubting that I would be able to (naively as I don't think it's something women tend to share as they feel like failures).

For me it was pain, recurrent thrush and blocked ducts. My memories are of endless phone calls to breastfeeding helplines in the middle of the night (often with me in tears), visits to GP and calls to my DMs best friend who was midwife with 40 yrs experience. All of this resulted in lots of advice but no changes in the physical difficulties. I distinctly remember standing under a warm shower for hours on end massaging my breast and then having to pierce the blocked duct with a sterile needle to release the blockage.

When I reached the point when I couldn't even cuddle my newborn DD due to the pain and had rising anxiety before every upcoming feed, I knew that I couldn't carry on. I was too low to leave the house and it was all too much.

Luckily I had a very supportive DH and a very sensible ex nurse of a DM who helped me. Also will never forget the support of a wonderful friend who was breastfeeding her DD at the same time with no difficulties and offered no judgement but just love and support.

Completely agree with pps who say it can make you feel like a total failure as a mother. Even 16 years later it remains a sensitive memory.

Much love and solidarity to all those struggling for whatever reason. Be kind to yourself

I would say get someone who has "failed" to work with you. Eg, someone who has mix fed or fed different children differently. I know lots of mums who have fed one and not the other.

For me it was many reasons, pain, lack of support, bloody judging useless support people saying things like you have failed, or the sheer horror on the face that Dd had been topped up when I haemorrhaged post section.

I mix fed both, first due to nearly killing myself trying and baby being readmitted twice for failure to thrive. Second I introduced formula once day one and mix fed from then on. Even then, despite me explaining my clear position, I came under pressure not to give her it and not to mix feed.

Second baby I found it exceptionally hard to feed all day alone, with a two year old under my supervision. So the top ups kept us all happy and sane. DH works long hours as a farmer and it was lambing time. I had two children to balance and could not do it. I don't mind admitting that.

I get upset thinking about how poor and unhelpful the service is in my area. I was told quite categorically that they could not help me as baby had been given formula. That was dd1 when I was desperate to feed her.

It can be an emotive subject. New mothers feel judged for breastfeeding or bottlefeeding, and at such a emotional time everything feels so personal and an attack. So often I see women ask for advise on breastfeeding and the first response is "it's ok to give up". It is ok, but thats not what they asked. I've also seen the opposite.

I breastfeed all my kids until 6 months because I hated the smell of formula, I hate washing bottles (hand dermatitis) and it was easy for me once I was over the first 6 weeks.

I had support via a local breastfeeding group and a sister who told me I was doing great.

It hurt a lot in the first 6 weeks. I've never been told that by any professional. The message there is always, "it doesn't hurt if you're doing it right!". But i never found that to be true with my 4 babies. It hurts when they latch on, i had a strong let down (felt like thumbs being pushed into both nipples), back ache from supporting the baby in what was a new, unnatural feeling position and instant dry mouth as soon as I started feeding (first baby only). It was HARD. But once I got past that bit, it was so easy (for me, i know not everyone will have the same experience). No washing up, no running out, no making bottles at night, no wondering if I had enough food for a day out.

Peer support is so important. Local groups of mums, having a laugh and sharing notes. Big sisters, mothers, friends sharing experiences.

Support for whatever a mum chooses, breast, bottle or combi.

I lasted just less than 6 months, latch no problem, plentiful supply, no pain - all probably as a result of great support from NHS antenatal class, midwife at hospital and health visitor at Home - the main thing that stopped me was a baby with severe reflux resulting in near constant feeding to replace what was thrown up and also pumping when baby napped to have enough milk to mix her gaviscon medication in which she needed for every full feed. I felt like I didn't do anything else in those early months but feed and pump and it impacted on my experience of motherhood. Changing to combi feeding (used formula to mix the gaviscon then switched to breast) took the pressure off enormously as I was no longer sat pumping between feeds and it meant I still kept most of the benefits of breastfeeding.

Two very different babies for me but still couldn't breastfeed.

My baby just would not latch and became hysterical when I tried and the nurses tried to latch him. He defied the so called expert nurse who could latch any baby. 3 day later and only one latch and concerns over jaundice we started bottle feeding. I was actually told off by one midwife for not expressing enough colustrum (she told me I needed + 40 mls a day) and causing his jaundice.

Second baby - born with his mouth open rooting and latched as soon as a got to recovery post c-section. Latched well to feed. Coped till day 3 when the cluster feeding started. He would be on for 40/50 minutes each and every hour. By day 6 I still didn't have milk. I was struggling to get up and down to feed with my scar pain. The night before I moved to formula I felt like my body was shutting down and caught a chill.

I know the cluster feeding would have brought the milk on - but combined with c section recovery it was just too much. And I am not exaggerating but this wasn't cluster feeding all evening - this was all day and night - he was starving and I wasn't producing when he needed.

I BF for four months and in that time I had infective mastitis six times, two abscess which had to be needle-drained 5 times, sepsis 3 times, I had a temp of 40 C and tachycardia. I desperately wanted to BF but my boobs were making a sustained effort at trying to kill me.

DC would have to be bottle fed if I’d died, so it seemed more sensible to stop BFing and bottle feed him myself.

To those who developed infant formula as a safe and healthy alternative to breastfeeding, thank you!

Have read a bit more if the thread and totally agree with this from @Usual2usual

I did breastfeed but if I was the type to listen to what others tell me, such as my mother, MIL or SIL (who all thought I was mad for doing it) I might have stopped because I was incorrectly told:

Babies should be on 4 hourly feeds
Babies should be sleeping through the night after a few weeks
He is a hungry baby clearly breastmilk isn't enough
Dad can't 'bond' with baby if he doesn't do feeds

I was surrounded by people telling me to give DD a bottle because it would help her sleep (it didn’t).

I think the influence of (often outdated) advice from family and friends is often underestimated. I have a couple of friends who were pretty much browbeaten into various decisions about their DC care by an army of female relatives and friends who ‘knew better’.

If you’ve never been around anyone who’s bf and all your family and friends are about it, it takes a fair amount of strength to persevere.

So many good points here - I’m collating them all. Helpful but sad to see so many common themes emerging. It’s such an emotive subject, and to hear of so many women having bad advice or unsympathetic HCPs is upsetting. Of course there are amazing HCPs too - it’s just a shame the care isn’t uniform at all.

@IonaLeg my babies weight fell off the chart and even a specialist lactation consultant couldn’t give me any advice that was workable when I was alone with a toddler all day (so couldn’t be constantly pumping). I was gutted to stop at 6 weeks

I ended up basically losing my milk from about 10m with DS, because I was poorly advised. My mother had been a great support in getting me started, but in her day babies could have cows milk from 9m and essentially it was common advice to quite rapidly "drop" feeds from about 7m onwards and only really be feeding morning and night by 9m. I didn't really realise but that pattern is essentially weaning, my milk supply pretty much went. My period came back and DS got very upset trying and getting no let down/milk and it was game over. For me personally I needed to be feeding at least 4 times a day.

With DD I was better informed, but she was prem and extremely tiny, with tongue tie and reflux and 3 hospitalisations with NG tubes thrown in for fun. I managed to feed her 6m with shields then pumped exclusively another 6m then gave it up as it was just too much demand on my time with an active toddler.

I was too driven by people telling me babies should last x amount of time between feeds. In the first 3m you just need to let them feed as much as they want.

I wish I had understood too how crucial the first few weeks are in "setting" your supply. No matter what IBCLC's/la leche will claim, when your baby is 5 or 6m old if your supply has dwindled a bit along the way, you will struggle to significantly increase it. You can increase it a lot in the first 3m or so but after it settles down there's only so much you can do. And it's near impossible to increase it after your period comes back for many women.

There really needs to be a lot more information on breastfeeding toddlers. I stopped at 6 months with baby 1 and 2 because the message was "ebf for the first 6 months". I hadn't even heard of anyone bfing passed 6 months. Baby no.3 I've joined various fb groups and learnt a lot about natural term weaning.

Not sure if this has been mentioned already but I really wish I had known that an underactive thyroid can cause low breast milk supply and having a baby is often the trigger for thyroid issues.

I had kidney failure in labour with DD. Had an emcs and my milk just never appeared with her. After she lost 15% if her birth weight the midwife said it was either bottle feed or back to hospital so I stopped and felt an utter failure. It really devastated me.
With DS I was so determined to breastfeed I carried on when I really should have stopped for my mental health with hindsight. I put how I was feeling down to sleep deprivation and hormones and saw a lactation consultant privately for a posterior tongue tie to be snipped. Made a little difference but got my thyroid function tested when he was 18 months and felt like a million dollars once on meds and my milk supply suddenly improved. I fed till he lost interest at nearly 3.
Nobody at any point suggested a thyroid function test despite having classic symptoms.

Also

You can be doing it perfectly with a great latch in the first few weeks and if damage was done to your nipples in the first 48 hours, it can hurt for weeks. A lot.

The let down reflex can physically hurt at first, even if you are doing it all perfectly.

Nipple shields are not the enemy.

Tongue tie can and does rapidly grow back (looking at you DD).

If your baby is prem etc and you are pumping to establish supply , 3-4 hourly all day and once at night is nowhere near enough. You need to pump like a newborn feeds - ideally 2 hourly all day, maybe let it go one 4 hour stretch a night but otherwise pump every 2-3 hours at night too. I double pumped 9-10 times every 24 hours when DD was born and just barely got a good enough supply.

Oh and bloody NICUs and SCBUs with their 3 hourly feeding regimes should be banned.

Yes. A highly regarded British hospital was only feeding my EBF (NG tube) 1.6kg baby every 3 hours. In 2019. It's no wonder few of the women there got bf established.

@chunderwunder I can see how financial incentive would encourage People who are undecided about whether they want to breastfeed. But I don't think it would work well to target the many, many women who give up because of difficulties (whether those are real or just feared ones eg 'i don't think my baby is getting enough milk' or 'my baby seems in pain and I think it's my milk' etc). How would the promise of money help those mothers?

I've got massive breasts and was having to hold them back from suffocating the poor kid while positioning him in the other arm. When I bottle fed, I was able to hold him much nearer my face and found I felt much closer to him and his younger sisters in this way. I could sit kissing his head when I wanted and it was a much nicer experience than trying to juggle him, my breast, and try to be comfortable as well.

There are obviously clear benefits of breastfeeding fit the first six months, but they’re mixed after this.

I’ve found with some of the women I’ve supported it’s really not great approaching women in centres when you’re breastfeeding older children - it really puts them off.

Concentrate with the months it matters and not afterwards.

Ooh and another one: understand your own breast capacity.

This is not widely understood. You produce a certain amount your breasts will hold. It can be different with each baby (it was for me!!). My "capacity" with DS was a max (avg through the day) of about 6oz across both breasts. He could get easily 35-40z a day from 3-4 hourly feeding.

With DD however, my maximum capacity was simply lower (more like 4-5oz).

If I dropped feeds, it's not like bottles, the amount they have on total in 24 hours consolidates from 4oz a time maybe 8 times a day to 8oz bottles only 4 times a day. Even with bigger gaps between feeds, your capacity is what it is. If its 4oz, they can maybe get 32oz from 8 feeds a day. If you drop to only 4 feeds, they do not necessarily get more at each feed. They may get 4oz × 4. Dropping feeds is how breast milk supply reduces and I simply didnt understand this.

Very, very low milk supply with both babies so they didn’t get enough fluid to wee and poo properly, and lost far too much weight. I had to supplement with formula from 6 days old with both.

I didn’t have any breast changes in pregnancy, and have always had underdeveloped-looking boobs with no fullness. I strongly suspect mammary hypoplasia and IGT, but no professional I spoke to knew anything about it to help me. I just had to feed them formula (not what I wanted) and come to terms with it which took a long time.

Dc2 has ehlers danlos syndrome and low muscle tone so he struggled to suck effectively. We limped along with mixed feeding until he was 18 months but it was an awful time and he was failure to thrive until he was nearly 2.

Dc3 had horrendous reflux until he was about 18 months. I managed to breastfeed him but whatever I fed him would come back up and he was failure to thrive until about 9 months old.

Dc4 had a wide cleft palate so couldn't breastfeed. Didn't stop some health professionals being horrible to me about it though.

Dc5 was brilliant at breastfeeding. However we struggled massively in the first 5 days because he was in the neonatal unit and I was in the postnatal ward. My hospital has rearranged things now so that the postnatal ward is next to neonatal but when we were there you had to walk what felt like miles down endless corridors.

I breastfed but found it hard.

My nipples are very flat and sometimes inverted so I ended up using nipples shields. I would need bf support to be able to advise on stuff like this.

My son is autistic and even as a newborn didn't communicate hunger very much and wasn't a very hungry baby so I think my supply was low as he never cluster fed.

It was hard for me