So frustrated about DD I could cry

[conecrosoooo]

A bit of a rant here but also would appreciate advice. Me and my DD18 have come to mutual decision that she cannot live here anymore. She is a nightmare. Rude, mouthy, arsehole boyfriend who has no respect for my house. Spoilt and constantly mithering for money. She makes me depressed. My 7yo is terrified of the boyfriend because he is so vile.

I do not want to throw her out on the street. Isn’t interested in uni and left college the day she turned 18. She has 2 part-time jobs and makes around 900 a month give or take.

We are in an expensive area. She needs to remain local for her jobs, they are evening/night based and I want her to be able to get home quickly and also be near enough to call me for lifts home because sometimes she will be finishing at 1am. She does not want a houseshare or to have to share a bathroom. We looked at a bedsit with a bathroom share earlier this week and she was put off when she saw she’d have to share her bathroom with a middle aged man, and I don’t blame her. The cheapest place where she will have her own bathroom I’ve found is a converted office flat at £650pm. I’ve done a quick calculation of what I reckon all of her bills plus rent would be (I think I’ve accounted for everything including her car but she is still a learner so the insurance will skyrocket once she passes but I’ve not added the increase to the budget) and I think she’d need £1100 monthly.

I believe she’ll get some housing benefit but I don’t know how much. We’ve got a viewing at the flat on Monday but I don’t know if she stands a cat in hell’s chance of being approved. It is a special scheme where a deposit isn’t needed. I can afford maybe £200 a month to top her up but even that is pushing it. In a different part of our county she’d get a similar flat for 30% less per month but would have to quit her other 2 jobs, find a new more local one, be stuck with me for months on end when we’re already at each other’s throats. It’s so frustrating.

If she remains living here we will end up bloody killing each other but I also am trying my best to support her.

My thoughts are; what’s the boyfriend’s living situation? Could they live together assuming he works?

My second thought is you live in an expensive area abs she sounds like she has two low skilled art tile jobs that would be entirely transferable to another location. So perhaps she needs to look outside the town/city you live in and find a cheaper area.

*part time

House sharing at her age is pretty normal. I lived in school boarding houses, uni halls and student house shares 16-23 and then shared with friends or people from spare room 25-29. I didn't want to live with other people, no one does! But it's what I could afford. I had an en suite at one point, too- so your Dd might get lucky.

In the nicest possible way, sharing might be the kick up the arse she so clearly needs. To get a decent rent for her salary, she might end up in quite a big house share, too. And they might not tolerate the BF. I've been there crying because a single occupancy was simply beyond my reach and I hated my housemate. That's life.

She needs a fait accompli. Sit her down under the guise of helping her and show her rentals on right move etc- show her how completely out of her price bracket the solo ones she fancies are unless she bucks up her employment options. Then help her set up an account on Spareroom seeking a room in a house share. Some of the rooms on there literally are spare rooms that families rent out for lodgers. If she doesn't fancy that or no one on there fancies living with a spoilt brat, present the paperwork for local authority options including 16-25 yo homeless places and tell her she needs to fill them in. House share that fits her budget might suddenly look more attractive. If she gets kicked out of one- well she knows her options with the LA.

Is she working full time (eg 40 hours a week)? £900 sounds more like part time, about 25 hours a week? She needs to work full time if she has rent & bills to pay.

She needs to be realistic about what a person her age can afford, and that rarely includes a private bathroom. I was on an accountancy graduate contract at 21 and on a wage double hers and was sharing a fairly scruffy flat with another young woman, including sharing the bathroom. We had no living room as it was a bedroom. Has she got some friends she could share with?

*I doubt that. I'm sure that she is at heart a great young woman and that she will emerge from this patch a reasonable human being. She is pushing boundaries to try to find her place in the world.

Sorry but you don't find your place in the world by treating your mother like that.*

Absolutely! There's pushing boundaries and there's pushing boundaries!!

You're fannyinf around too much to meet her list of needs which are totally unrealistic.

She has to be on a flat share and that's the crux of it.

You need to just give her a date to be out and she has to sort the rest. She chose not to go to college so if she wants to adult, then she has to step up and be an adult.

Ps she sounds like you are letting her dictate the rules in your home.

It is your house. Simply ban the boyfriend from it if you don't want him there. If she screams, much like a toddler, ignore the tantrum! Tell her if she breaks the rules she is out and that no, you won't help her find somewhere else to go because she is 21 and adult and can sort herself out. My mother didnt find my bloody flatshare at 21, I found it myself and sorted my own bills. My mother gave me a toaster as a flat warming present which was nice.

@conecrosoooo

I do my best to keep him out of the house but sometimes he comes round when I’m out.

Recently it’s been I get home from the school run and he is there so I take my son out until he’s gone.

I did threaten to call the police once and he left but DD screamed at me the whole night.

This is mental. You are the home owner and you left your own house? You've gone wrong somewhere along the line when your child's bf dictates if you're in you're house or not.you need to get a backbone and fast.

If your daughter screams at you, tell her to get out.

I think a flat share would be the best option. We have all done it and dare I say living with others will help redefine some boundaries as I imagine any new flat mates would take zero tolerance to her boyfriends antics, any selfish behaviour or late payment of bills or costs etc.

I'd let her move out, (without topping her up) let her find out the harsh realities of life and budgeting and she'll soon want to move back without the bf in tow. Or move in to a house share. Win win.

Kicking her out is a mistake. If she moves out, BF will move in with her, sponge off her and she will be stuck with him for life. They will have children together and that's the dad your grandchildren will have to live with. The house will become a drug den and your grandchildren will have the wrong people coming into their home.

Wholeheartedly agree, and I can't believe it took four pages of replies for someone to point this out. If you think that kicking a teenager under the influence of her drug dealing boyfriend out to live in a dingy bedsit will result in her getting a full time job and becoming a decent, fully functioning member of society you're delusional. It's a recipe for disaster. Do some bloody parenting. Don't let the boyfriend in the house. Call the police every time if need be. Set some house rules and stick to them.

It is truly beyond fathomable to me

To allow someone in my house that “terrifies” my 7 year old child

You neee to approach this in your mind a different way. You need to look at the issue as a child protection issue.

And at the moment. You are roundly failing.

@namechangetheworld

Kicking her out is a mistake. If she moves out, BF will move in with her, sponge off her and she will be stuck with him for life. They will have children together and that's the dad your grandchildren will have to live with. The house will become a drug den and your grandchildren will have the wrong people coming into their home.

Wholeheartedly agree, and I can't believe it took four pages of replies for someone to point this out. If you think that kicking a teenager under the influence of her drug dealing boyfriend out to live in a dingy bedsit will result in her getting a full time job and becoming a decent, fully functioning member of society you're delusional. It's a recipe for disaster. Do some bloody parenting. Don't let the boyfriend in the house. Call the police every time if need be. Set some house rules and stick to them.

You don’t have a late teen, do you?

Because even if she does stay and he successful stays away - If she wants to be with this man, she will be.

I house shared (shared kitchen and shared bathroom, just the one of each!) until I was 27. By then I was earning enough to afford to rent a flat just me and my boyfriend (now DH). Tis life.

House sharing is standard practice when you first start out op. When I moved city to start a new job, I just went off and viewed flats myself. My parents had no involvement and they certainly didn’t provide any financial help. You need to give her a deadline and let her get on with things within her own budget.

Anyway what a mess op, I certainly wouldn't be toping her up to live somewhere better either, her biggest threat sounds like her own bf.
I'd also however be making sure I said I love her she's welcome back any time but under no circumstances is her bf allowed around ever again after the disrespect has shown you and your son, that a file has been started with the police and if you find him there again or he causes any trouble there is a history already.

My boss and his wife had a dd like that. In the end boss found a flat, his wife packed all dd's stuff and moved it in. Boss gave dd a lift "home from work" and took her to the new flat, gave her the key and said "This is your home now". Oddly, she grew up to be a lovely woman with a very good relationship with her parents.

Housing benefit?
She needs to work more.
Other people should NOT be supporting your daughter

@conecrosoooo From what you've said about your DD and the boyfriend, you and your son are experiencing domestic abuse.

Please phone one of the helplines, and see if there is any help available for you.
Also, it might be that if you make your DD homeless by kicking her out, she will be entitled to some help with housing.

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

I'm sorry but she (and he) sound very entitled.
She's old enough to give you attitude then she's old enough to sort her life out.
Give her two weeks notice, any longer and she'll spin it out, give it her in writing then she can use it officially and in that letter state that if her boyfriend comes into the house you'll immediately call the police. And follow that through!
She needs a serious reality check. It's up to her if she wants to move to a cheaper area and the consequences from that.
You need to take a step back and she's not appreciating what you do for her.

@ShortBacknSides.

Not defending her, but her 2 part time jobs are full-time hours. She’s a lot of things, most of them vile, but she isn’t work shy.

Perhaps if employers paid staff equally and not a 22 year old £2 more an hour then as much housing benefit wouldn’t be necessary

@CeciledeVolanges

Did you just say my daughter should have to deal with potentially being raped? I never even brought that up.

Can under 25's get HB? I didn't think they could.

Do you tackle the boyfriend yourself or just moan to DD about him?
Why do you put up with him making those calls on the sofa.
Have you told him not to be swearing and talking about weed in your house? You have a right to set boundaries in your own house.
Now you are solving it by getting rid of your DD.
You sound a bit controlling to be honest. But controlling and then very passive in the presence of this man as well by not telling him what behaviour is tolerated in your house.

If I have to compromise in the short term to get her out of the house and the BF away then I will.

She’s stubborn, I know I’ve failed. Thank you every body, I’m well aware. She does have some good qualities though. She’s always worked. She had a weekend job throughout high school. She quit college with the promise of a full time apprenticeship which ended up being withdrawn due to Covid messing up everything and she spent all of her days applying for jobs afterwards and ended up with these 2 part time ones because there seemed to be bugger all else. She’s a lot of things but she is a good worker. It’s just me she can’t be doing with. And the influence of the boyfriend is terrible.

If I have to help her get approved for the flat she wants purely to get her out of the house and protect my son then yes, I will. I’d support her to get her out of the house and then leave her be to take it all over on her own, so to speak. I reckon she’d quickly be out of her depth.

Benefits calculations reckon she’d get £400 in housing benefit for a £650 flat in my area. Whatever your belief about benefits she does work and if she is entitled to claim it then why shouldn’t she.