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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In hospital

340 replies

2under2howscary · 22/07/2021 22:25

Okay. So I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

I woke up this morning with sudden onset blurry vision, and severe headache.

Went to eye a&e were I was found to have pressure in the back of my eyes, so they decided to send me straight to a&e

I went sent straight to a&e as told. I've had a CT can (awaiting results) where they're querying a blood clot or intercranial hypertension.

My partner works away. Tonight he is 2 hours away in Preston. He's gone out for dinner with his work friends which is fine. Here is where I may be unreasonable.
I asked him not to get drunk in case I needed him tonight, or for whatever reason he had to drive back. He agreed three times.

I've just been texting him and he's drunk as anything. He says I'm having a pop for no reason, and just being argumentative and stopping him having drinks for no reason. He'll no doubt stop talking to me now.

So AIBU for asking him not to drink? Even though he's 2.5 hours away?

OP posts:
Thehop · 23/07/2021 12:56

Oh and by the way. 12 months between my boys and it’s bloody ace, don’t worry xx

Drinkingallthewine · 23/07/2021 13:00

Maybe ask yourself if he'd had the medical emergency, what he would expect from you in terms of support? I'm guessing he's the type to do a full on Dying Fucking Swan at the first sign of a sniffle.

You are wise to hold off until the 31st. In the meantime you can focus on recovering, and looking into the ways you can survive without him.

BreathingDeep · 23/07/2021 13:01

Just to echo Thehop, I have 18 months between my girls and it's glorious

Original poster
2under2howscary · 23/07/2021 13:08

@Drinkingallthewine that's exactly what he's like. If he has a slight headache, I've got to pander to him or he's moody. He'll take himself up to bed and play on his phone, asking for drinks and food etc, like he's literally dying!!

OP posts:
Original poster
2under2howscary · 23/07/2021 13:09

@BreathingDeep and @Thehop thank you! I'm petrified of the 16 month age gap. But I've heard so many people say their kids are now the best of friends after being born so close, so here's hoping!

OP posts:
Mummyoftwo91 · 23/07/2021 13:12

Couldn't read and run, hope you are okay OP

sillysmiles · 23/07/2021 13:25

You sound like you need to hold on until July 31st, to get his half off build money etc. Can you use the time between now and then to get information on what you need to gather in regards to CSA and any other information you need.
Is your own mother around or any other support network other than his parents?

BreathingDeep · 23/07/2021 13:26

2under2 there can be moments where it's hard, but you have those when you have just one, but there are so many joyful moments too. Mine are thick as thieves and have always been that way - they'll never be lonely. The three of you will make the tightest unit.

Onto the subject of your partner - there will always come that moment where it's a wake-up call and you realise that what they're giving simply isn't good enough. I think yesterday he showed you who he is. Take your time but do know that it won't change. He's simply not good enough for you and your babies.

Have you had your scan? Have you spoken to him yet? Sending you so much love.

Martyitsyourkids · 23/07/2021 13:45

Well done for recognising that you deserve better. Wise move to wait for the end of the month re:money. Don't look back. 💐

Nancydrawn · 23/07/2021 14:27

I don't think anyone for a second is going to think you're weak by staying until July 31. Unless you're in immediate danger (and it doesn't sound like that--it sounds like he's an uncaring dick, not abusive), getting your ducks in a row before leaving is entirely the right thing to do.

While you're at it, you can think about anything else you might need to do to feel secure before he leaves. It's not weak, and it's not sneaky, it's pragmatic and necessary when you're dealing with someone who's already told you he plans to be unsupportive and unreasonable.

This isn't a conscious uncoupling. This is a dickhead.

EmoIsntDead · 23/07/2021 14:42

I’d pack his bags and drop them round at his mums. Also, I know it’s a harsh thing to say, but I’d also be thinking very hard about whether I wanted to continue with this pregnancy.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 23/07/2021 15:00

I am sorry to read this, @2under2howscary, and I hope your scan goes well today and that you are feeling a bit better physically now.
I don't know anything about this, as I've lived abroad for a long time, but is it possible for you to start filling in claims for any benefits/credits now, whilst waiting for July 31st when you know he'll pay you, so you'll already have something in place for the end of August? Or doesn't it work like that?
Good luck with everything.

Terhou · 23/07/2021 15:18

@2under2howscary

What evidence is needed for child maintenance?

He isn't even on LB's birth certificate as he decided to go to work instead. He stupidly thought he could get me to sign it for him, even after I said multiple times that isn't the case.

If he denies that he is your son's father, he can be made to take a DNA test.
theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/07/2021 15:20

Oh OP Flowers - what a dreadful human being he is. I'm so sorry it's been revealed in such flashing lights when you're having a medical emergency but it sounds like you knew deep down before.

Get your ducks in a row, then get him to move out. You're doing the best for your DC (and yourself too) - you don't want them growing up thinking it's ok to behave like this.

Coyoacan · 23/07/2021 15:21

OP, I've just read this and I'm so glad your dp isn't on your child's birth certificate but so sorry that you are with such a horrible person.

Medievalist · 23/07/2021 15:43

You sound very brave op. Bravery is being scared but doing it anyway. At least his behaviour has been so bad there is no making excuses for it or letting him off the hook this time. You owe it to your little ones to not have them grow up in a toxic environment and think bad relationships are acceptable.

I hope you have family and friends close by who can support you? Thanks

Unsure33 · 23/07/2021 17:04

I am sorry for your situation

your partner is a selfish prat and you really do need him OUT of your life . The fact that he admits he would rather give up his job than pay for his own children is quite frankly disgusting .

You were not being dramatic - he was being a selfish manchild

please carry through with this . It wont get any better .

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 23/07/2021 17:38

Did he resurface today OP? Hope you're feeling ok. Be careful - hypertension is known as a silent killer as it can be very dangerous so try not to get too worked up.

Think of yourself & the little ones

chunderwunder · 23/07/2021 18:11

It's good he's not on your child's birth certificate. He will have to apply to the courts for parental responsibility. Hopefully he never will because it will be easier for you if he doesn't have it.

This doesn't affect your right to apply for maintenance. If he denies parentage he'll be asked to take a DNA test. If he refuses CMS usually assumes that indicates he's the father and proceeds without proof.

Birth certificate and CMS are unrelated.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/07/2021 18:22

@Unsure33

I am sorry for your situation

your partner is a selfish prat and you really do need him OUT of your life . The fact that he admits he would rather give up his job than pay for his own children is quite frankly disgusting .

You were not being dramatic - he was being a selfish manchild

please carry through with this . It wont get any better .

Agree 100% - it is shocking in the extreme he's so selfish he'd rather give up his job than pay for his own kids. This attitude will extend to other things to do with them. He will always put himself first - before you and before your children. Both you and they are worth more than that.

Two under two will be hard but it will be harder if you've got the deadweight of a selfish manchild too. You'll get through it and you'll be fine and MUCH better off without him.

Original poster
2under2howscary · 23/07/2021 20:10

He has come home tonight but hasn't mentioned me being poorly etc or asked how I am. It's like the entire night didn't happen.

I'm being civil, but told him I'm going to bed early. He's pissed off as he wants to watch tv together but I don't even want to be near him.

DS is also home and in bed, he gave me the biggest cuddle when he saw me.

Scan went well! 1.6NT measurement and measuring 12w+3, due date 1st February.

I know a few people have mentioned terminating. This isn't an option for me. I'm happy to be a single mum to 2 and it be hard as hell - but also so rewarding.

OP posts:
theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/07/2021 20:33

@2under2howscary

He has come home tonight but hasn't mentioned me being poorly etc or asked how I am. It's like the entire night didn't happen.

I'm being civil, but told him I'm going to bed early. He's pissed off as he wants to watch tv together but I don't even want to be near him.

DS is also home and in bed, he gave me the biggest cuddle when he saw me.

Scan went well! 1.6NT measurement and measuring 12w+3, due date 1st February.

I know a few people have mentioned terminating. This isn't an option for me. I'm happy to be a single mum to 2 and it be hard as hell - but also so rewarding.

Really pleased to hear about the scan. You're going to be a great team of 3, I just know it. Flowers

Unsurprised that your soon to be ex (hopefully) is being a selfish twat. Who the hell doesn't even mention someone being in A&E very recently or enquire how they are? If I knew that my most casual acquaintance had been in with a scare like you've had and I saw them I'd ask how they were for goodness sake.

hardboiledeggs · 23/07/2021 20:48

My DH wouldn’t have needed to have been asked, he’d have dropped everything and would have come with me. Your DH is a selfish fucker

ladymuck111 · 23/07/2021 20:52

You are handling this so well. I'd have ripped him a new one by now.

Congratulations on your scan!

Heyha · 23/07/2021 21:32

Has he asked about how your scan went (ie how his child is getting on?).

I'm glad that went well OP and it sounds like you have a good plan of action for the next week or so. Somebody else has said similar, although you'll have two babies on your own and that will undoubtedly be tough at times they will love you unconditionally, all you'll be losing is a third 'baby' who brings nothing positive to the mix other than a bit of financial input, which you'll be able to get from him without having to run round after him any more.

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