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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In hospital

340 replies

2under2howscary · 22/07/2021 22:25

Okay. So I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

I woke up this morning with sudden onset blurry vision, and severe headache.

Went to eye a&e were I was found to have pressure in the back of my eyes, so they decided to send me straight to a&e

I went sent straight to a&e as told. I've had a CT can (awaiting results) where they're querying a blood clot or intercranial hypertension.

My partner works away. Tonight he is 2 hours away in Preston. He's gone out for dinner with his work friends which is fine. Here is where I may be unreasonable.
I asked him not to get drunk in case I needed him tonight, or for whatever reason he had to drive back. He agreed three times.

I've just been texting him and he's drunk as anything. He says I'm having a pop for no reason, and just being argumentative and stopping him having drinks for no reason. He'll no doubt stop talking to me now.

So AIBU for asking him not to drink? Even though he's 2.5 hours away?

OP posts:
Seafog · 23/07/2021 09:06

Sweet Jesus put him out with the rest of the fucking garbage!

FilledSoda · 23/07/2021 09:10

I wouldn't be continuing with the pregnancy to be honest .

1WayOrAnother2 · 23/07/2021 09:13

When you ask yourself if he loves you (even on his best day), remember that when you were facing a life-threatening experience in hospital, he didn't even want an update.

He was happy to leave you alone in hospital to face treatment and wait for news. So happy he could enjoy a night out.

This is not love.
You and your babies deserve better.

Pumpkinbrew · 23/07/2021 09:14

Really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving without a lumbar puncture having been performed to help relieve some of the pressure.

As it is quite rare, some doctors aren't completely all up to date with it, in my experience anyway!, so I'm glad it has been found now.

I would be pushing for direct answers at the eye clinic as repeated swollen optic nerves is not good for the eyes at all and can lead to significant eyesight issues.

Usually a lumbar puncture is performed to check the opening pressure and to help relieve some of the horrendous pain. I've had to have that while pregnant also.

Diamox is the usual medication for it as it is a duretic. The neurologist can give the go ahead for Topomax which should help with the severe headaches. It is an epilepsy med but is also used for this purpose and several others. Cannot be used in pregnancy though as slight risks of a cleft palate due to it.

I would be pushing for a lp to be performed as otherwise the pressure isn't really going to go anywhere.

I would request that an anesthetist performs the lp as they deal with backs day in and out. Ward drs don't always do them regularly and mine has been butchered by them hence why I have mine carried out by anaesthetists now with the finest needle also to try and help prevent leaks.

You need to lie still after in order to try to prevent leaks but I would strongly suggest hospital for that.

Your partner does not sound like he would be supportive at all with regards to this and he would be selfish enough to allow the risk of a leak which is unbearable. He needs to pull himself together and realise he should be being better towards you and actually supportive as your health, particularly while pregnant, is so important.

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 23/07/2021 09:17

You're DP should of come home. No 'ifs' or 'buts'
The mother of his child, his partner - has been admitted to hospital and he's 2/3 hours away getting pissed. You can have my first ever Mumsnet LTB. You deserve more hun

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/07/2021 09:19

He sounds a bit like my ex dh. Nothing came before his social plans,not even me being in hospital with severe pregnancy complications at 31 weeks. They ended up having to deliver our first baby by emergency c section before we both died and he made it just in time, after drinking a bottle of wine.

He is my ex husband for a reason.

Dancingqueens · 23/07/2021 09:19

What an ahole. Are you married?

So sorry OP. Hope you feel better soon.

Hm2020 · 23/07/2021 09:29

Hey op your h sounds like a dick but I wanted to tell you I was diagnosed with intercranial hypotension whilst pregnant it was caused by pregnancy hormones although I still have it 7 years later the medication you will be offered is acetazolimide but you are only aloud a very small dose during pregnancy as it also will drain the fluid from the baby I ended up having shunt surgery if there’s anything you would like to know please ask it is a serious condition look after yourself op.

Whaddayahear · 23/07/2021 09:34

If you kicked him out would you be able to claim enough in benefits to pay the rent and bills by yourself?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/07/2021 09:37

I couldn’t forgive this .... really appalling behaviour. Most people wouldn’t treat a stranger like this let alone a partner Angry

His parents must be horrified, id be straight on the phone if he was my DS.

DianeCherry · 23/07/2021 09:44

@Whydidimarryhim

He’s treating you like dirt on his shoe. Yes children adore daddies but you want your child to have healthy role models don’t you. Your sons will grow up treating women like dirt and your daughters will grow up attracting abusive useless men. He treats you like he does because he can. Do not be grateful for 20% of niceness - I assume you had poor ineffective parents? I’d suggest seeking counselling if you can. You could look up the Freedom Programme which you may find helpful. He doesn’t care for you - I’m sorry that maybe painful to hear but he only cares for himself. You have the tenancy in your name. You can ask him to leave. You will get some tax credits. He’s shown you who he is. He’s not a good father. He has already said he will quit his job so he doesn’t need to pay Child support - what a f.....er. I hope you have real life support. 💐
I agree totally with @Whydidimarryhim Except to say that he might quit his job but he can't survive on no income for long. Then you can claim CMS.

Don't settle for this OP. You and your DC deserve more

RadandMad · 23/07/2021 09:52

Like others have said, there is something seriously wrong with your DH. He should be very concerned, and prepared to come and help you at the drop of a hat. Would be a deal breaker for me too. If you can't rely on him in an emergency, and he's so lacking in empathy or care for you, that's going to undermine your whole relationship.

Abraxan · 23/07/2021 10:06

Dh can often be work obsessed but he would have dropped everything and headed back with that news. He'd be wanting to know I was fine.
He'd have also wanted to be there for his child, but just relying on a grandparent.

DamnUserName21 · 23/07/2021 10:08

He will only get worse and drag you down. So get strong and get rid!

I'd seriously give your pregnancy re-think, sorry to say.

Original poster
2under2howscary · 23/07/2021 10:08

Thank you everyone.
Haven't spoken to him today. He's tried to call but I just don't want to even look at him.

They did ask to admit me to a neurology ward last night. In order to perform a Lp.

I had only packed my LB with one set of clothes and 4 bottles thinking this issue was going to be solved at the eye clinic. So by then, I knew I had to come home anyway to pick up his milk to run across to his nana's. (He's on prescription formula so can't just buy it)

I've sat up all night knowing what to do. He pays me half the rent and bills at the end of each month. In my head. I just have to get to the 31st July so he can send me that, before asking him to leave. I know many of you probably think that's weak and I should leave him now. But, I know he would refuse to send across anything if I left him before then, and that would leave me and my LB massively in the hole.

My head is a mess, but all I can think is he couldn't even drive home for my little boys milk. The milk that literally feeds him. I am so angry.

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 23/07/2021 10:15

Good idea to wait till the 31st.

Don’t lose the anger in the meantime though. You need to carry this through. I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to him right now.

52andblue · 23/07/2021 10:19

OP, if you feel that kicking him out at the end of the month is more sensible for you financially then that is what you should do.
But, STAY angry because you MUST do it then.
He doesn't care 2 hoots about you OR about his baby.
He only cares about himself. This is not your fault. But it won't change.
Sending love & strength from a total stranger who'd treat you better xx

Clappingforjoy · 23/07/2021 10:21

What a inconsiderate idiot sorry op

ClawedButler · 23/07/2021 10:24

Gosh, how unreasonable to think that a poor man should have to come away from important boozing, just to check that his partner wasn't dying or his child starving. Hmm

Ilikeknitting · 23/07/2021 10:25

I’m sorry you chose to make a life and a baby with an arsehole who puts drinking as a priority above your eyesight.

It’s your choice, but you need to walk away. He will never improve. He’s shown what a twat he is by threatening to quit work rather than paying child support. By the way, child support is taken from dole money too!

deleteasappropriate · 23/07/2021 10:27

@Ilikeknitting

I’m sorry you chose to make a life and a baby with an arsehole who puts drinking as a priority above your eyesight.

It’s your choice, but you need to walk away. He will never improve. He’s shown what a twat he is by threatening to quit work rather than paying child support. By the way, child support is taken from dole money too!

Nice first para there @ilikeknitting. I'd think he probably didn't show his true colours from the outset, but nothing like victim blaming to make yourself feel good eh?
ChargedUp99 · 23/07/2021 10:29

Sorry your going through this. I have intracranial hypertension and the medication for me was worse than anything and I got ill off that alone (hopefully you react much better) if hes being such a twat now hes only going to get worse as this goes on Angry hopefully things work out for you xx. Sending love

Original poster
2under2howscary · 23/07/2021 10:30

Also: his drinking isn't an issue at home, he's not an alcoholic or drinks much at home.

But, soon as he goes away for work he always ends up having at least 2/3 drinks a night with the lads he works with. He says it's 'social time'

What pisses me off more, is the lads he went out with last night, he had worked with and therefore met for the first time at the site induction yesterday.

So not only did he put drinking in front of me and Lb, but two men he's never met before.

I don't see the point in talking to him. He refuses to ever apologise, will say it's my fault for being dramatic anyway. Just feel so disheartened

OP posts:
Original poster
2under2howscary · 23/07/2021 10:32

@Ilikeknitting

I’m sorry you chose to make a life and a baby with an arsehole who puts drinking as a priority above your eyesight.

It’s your choice, but you need to walk away. He will never improve. He’s shown what a twat he is by threatening to quit work rather than paying child support. By the way, child support is taken from dole money too!

When I met him 4 years ago he was completely different. We had an awful year of miscarriages and failing to conceive my LB. it was only after I became pregnant, and tbh, more recently he has really shown how nasty he can be.

My little boy is perfect, and the best thing to come from this.

OP posts:
IcedSpice · 23/07/2021 10:32

[quote 2under2howscary]@WoodPell he said he'd quit his job to ensure he would never have to pay CSA. It's not fair he works for 60 hours a week to pay for my bills if we were to split.

I've known for ages he's an arsehole but I'm stuck in a hole with him. I got my tenancy in the house just in my name as I knew he was a twat. But, I can't bring myself to just leave him. Sometimes he's lovely but 8/10 he's like this. [/quote]
seriously - why are you even bothering to stay with him?

When someone shows you they are an areshole, for gods sake listen

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