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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In hospital

340 replies

2under2howscary · 22/07/2021 22:25

Okay. So I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

I woke up this morning with sudden onset blurry vision, and severe headache.

Went to eye a&e were I was found to have pressure in the back of my eyes, so they decided to send me straight to a&e

I went sent straight to a&e as told. I've had a CT can (awaiting results) where they're querying a blood clot or intercranial hypertension.

My partner works away. Tonight he is 2 hours away in Preston. He's gone out for dinner with his work friends which is fine. Here is where I may be unreasonable.
I asked him not to get drunk in case I needed him tonight, or for whatever reason he had to drive back. He agreed three times.

I've just been texting him and he's drunk as anything. He says I'm having a pop for no reason, and just being argumentative and stopping him having drinks for no reason. He'll no doubt stop talking to me now.

So AIBU for asking him not to drink? Even though he's 2.5 hours away?

OP posts:
BreathingDeep · 23/07/2021 11:21

Oh my love, you deserve so much more than this.
Your children deserves so much more.

He prioritised drinking with strangers over your health and the welfare of his son. He doesn't choose to prioritise you, your child or unborn baby. He chooses himself every time.

You deserve more.

We're all strangers on the internet and we don't know you or him. But you sound an incredible mother and trust me, you will be absolutely fine without him. He will drag you down and taint your children's early years with his actions. Being alone with two children isn't a walk in the park, of course, but you'll be free of him and that will make life feel lighter, brighter and happier.

Wait for the money on 31 July, and then take action. You've seen who he is now, you won't be able to unsee it.

Sending you love and strength - you can do this.

Freddiefox · 23/07/2021 11:22

@2under2howscary

What evidence is needed for child maintenance?

He isn't even on LB's birth certificate as he decided to go to work instead. He stupidly thought he could get me to sign it for him, even after I said multiple times that isn't the case.

My ex pays no maintenance.. it’s rubbish, but my mental health is so much better. I might not have much spare money, but we are much better off without the dementor
thewreckofthehesperus · 23/07/2021 11:23

I couldn't read this and not reply. Please, please use this as your line in the sand. He is no partner to you and is not a good father! Good fathers don't prioritise drinking over caring for their young child while it's mother is in hospital and not even care when said child is out of their prescription formula.

My mouth actually dropped open when he told you to 'chill', you're in hospital for a brain scan ffs. He's clearly been gaslighting you for a while if you think this behaviour is normal. Trust me and the countless other people on here when we say it isn't! A normal partner would have left work citing family emergency to be with you, even if that weren't possible a decent man would have shown you care and support over the phone. The dismissive way he has treated you and the contempt he has shown you is completely UNACCEPTABLE (sorry for shouting)

I know this is daunting and there will always be worries when leaving someone but you need to look at you and your beautiful children's future here. This will only get worse from this point on. For your sake and theirs you need to get away from him, every moment you spend with him is grinding you down further. As the children get older this will only be harder. Separating now while your oldest is still a baby will mean you can start a new chapter for your family.

This isn't all thats out there, in time and if it's what you want I'm sure you will find a decent man who treats you properly. I know it can be hard to imagine it now (it was for me when I was at the point of leaving emotionally abusive Exh) but two years down the road I had done alot of work on myself and I met a wonderful man who is caring and kind and makes me laugh more than I ever thought possible. That kind of life is out there and is possible for you, every moment you waste with that bastard is keeping you from finding it.

You're going to need to be strong but find your resolve, you need to hold onto your anger and remember how you felt at your lowest point over the last few days. Anytime you find yourself doubting what your doing remind yourself of that feeling! No body deserves to be treated like that or to feel that way. You can do this, you are stronger than you know!

endofthelinefinally · 23/07/2021 11:29

Ask his mum to help. Can she get the formula and make bottles? If she loves her grandchild she will help.
Everything else you can sort out when you are discharged.
You are doing the right thing by waiting for the rent money. You can sort out paperwork and financial records. You probably need to plan for no support, financial or otherwise, from him.
Be honest with your landlord. You can apply for UC, but it takes a few weeks. A decent landlord will work with you.
Don't get a risky loan. Your bank might arrange an overdraft, or you may be able to get an emergency UC loan.
Have a look at www.turn2us.org.uk

NeonDreams · 23/07/2021 11:31

OP I am so sorry, how can he treat the mother of his children like this? You deserve so much better, he truly is scum in the truest sense.

PommieCheeks75 · 23/07/2021 11:35

Not at all. He should have come straight home, not to the pub FFS.
Hope you’re ok x

saraclara · 23/07/2021 11:35

So they wanted to keep you in overnight, but you had to refuse because he wasn't there to support you and look after your DC?

That has got to be your main point when you eventually speak to him. He can't say you were being dramatic, when they wanted to admit you, and he can't say his absence wasn't a big deal.

Goingdriving · 23/07/2021 11:37

He sounds like a useless husband. It’s so painful feeling uncared for. It’s awful having someone refuse to validate your feelings.
You need an exit strategy.
I’m a single parent so I’m not saying this from the position of privileged coupledom

Goingdriving · 23/07/2021 11:39

Also, you’re pregnant and have a very young child. I don’t think it’s very covid aware to be going out drinking in a pub given this. The government claim that it’s up to individuals to keep themselves safe, but men like your husband show why that won’t work

Jellypisher · 23/07/2021 11:42

CMS will interview him if he's not on the birth certificate, it's more complicated but doesnt mean he does not have to pay CM

ohfourfoxache · 23/07/2021 11:47

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

There is a really good section in this link called What to include in your safety packing list - I would strongly recommend that you collect all important documents together before you show him your hand (and the door)

ShowMeHow · 23/07/2021 11:55

Lots of people can behave selfishly but this behaviour is much more than that it’s a blatant ‘I am unconnected to your / our family units needs’ statement.

I suspect he rebels against being a partner like a teen might rebel against a parent.l making him a man child.

His attitude is not compatible with life as a family as far as I can tell from this post (even if you are generally a drama queen 🙄 which I suspect not as he was not able to identify this incident as defiantly NOT DRAMA)

However you are being unreasonable to rely on someone who needs asking not to drink when they may be needed. If he cared he would have naturally made provision to step up.

SirGawain · 23/07/2021 11:56

Sounds like he's a king size dickhead.

TirisfalPumpkin · 23/07/2021 11:58

You sound lovely and your arsehole-detection-acuity is strong. What an absolute failed shit of a man. Don't for a minute think any of his behaviour reflects on you, your value and your worthiness of being cared for and loved.

Hope things work out OK healthwise too. I think your stress levels will be lower once LTB admin is complete.

whynotwhatknot · 23/07/2021 12:05

Wow what a man can i even call him that

It might delay things as hes not on the BC but they can do a dna test im not sure who has to pay for that maybe something to look into-but when thats sorted he'll have to pay either by court order or to avoid the extra fees he just transfers it himself

EL8888 · 23/07/2021 12:07

Sorry to hear this. Frustrating that your DM is condoning it to a degree. My mum used to do that about my first husband, we are now divorced and l have never looked back

Another vote to wait until the 31st if he is going to be a dick about money

GuineaPigPosie · 23/07/2021 12:10

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have much to offer in the way of relationship advice but wanted to send some Flowers. Also, I have Intercranical Hypertension so if you ever want to talk please feel free to message me. 💗 Sending you so much love. You are so strong and have proven you can do this without your idiot of a partner 💗

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 23/07/2021 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

SomeNameorOther · 23/07/2021 12:29

He won't get better. You won't get a better life. Your baby will learn either to be a nasty man like his dad, or submissive and accepting of any sort of careless treatment..... Get him out. It's the one thing which will change the course of your babies' lives for the better. And your life.

He's appalling.

Don't waste your time talking to his mum, she's learnt to accept it unquestioningly. What's his dad like? What does he think? Does he think his grandson deserves to be treated like this? Does he despise women too?

MrsLighthouse · 23/07/2021 12:40

Is he normally like this ?… ( YANBU btw…) if this isn’t worrying enough for him to come back, what the hell would be ? Very bloody selfish. Good luck with the scan x

Loudestcat14 · 23/07/2021 12:43

Congrats to your DP – he's getting my first ever LTB on MN. What a disgusting and monstrously selfish prick he is. There really should be no going back from this.

Thehop · 23/07/2021 12:53

First of all, of this is how it seems then he’s a huge Twat who doesn’t like you much less love you.
My ex husband once lost 2 weeks worth of really high paying work by walking out on day one bacausr I had an accident and rang him. I’d broken my foot so he moved in to look after me and our kids.

My husband would drive the length of the country if I had a headache never mind an admission.

Make plans to leave this arsehole ASAP. Kick him out. Apply online for benefits and maintainence.

I’m going to play devils advocate and ask if you’re like a lady I know who literally takes herself to A&E weekly and every headache “could be a tumour”? I suppose there’s a slight chance if you did that he’s stopped responding but he still should come home for his son.

I’m sure that’s not the case, and I stand by you kicking him out.

Nocutenamesleft · 23/07/2021 12:54

Oh bless ya

I’ve had blood clots on my brain

If you ever want to chat. I’m here for you xx

Original poster
2under2howscary · 23/07/2021 12:55

@Thehop this is my first a&e admission in over a year. The last time being a car crash I had whilst pregnant xx

OP posts:
Thehop · 23/07/2021 12:55

I’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t offend you......I just wanted to be crystal clear on the level of cock nostril you were dealing with.

10/10 kick him out.

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