Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

356 replies

IrisAnon · 22/07/2021 21:44

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

OP posts:
Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 08:50

And what happens if my number leaks is that it increases the risk to me.

The more random people who know my number and not the history means the more people he may be able to quiz and find out where I live.

And that’s a physical risk to me.

Shadedog · 23/07/2021 08:55

I wouldn’t have replied. I wouldn’t have been very happy about the “tailing” so my reply would have either been a lie or rude.

My dcs were driven to primary school and get a school bus to (massive catchment) secondary school. They are not especially streetwise and weren’t going on trips to town before y7. I drive everywhere and they have no experience of public transport (except school bus, which isn’t the same). When they started venturing out with pals in secondary then I wanted then to have a nice time and deepen those friendships, be safe, and gain independence. Tbh, I was worried they would get into bother somehow, need me, and me not be there. They have been in bother (missed buses, dead batteries, ruffians at the bus station - but they’ve managed). However, apart from the “be safe” objective, the other things need them to be in their own, not supervised, not “tailed”, not helicoptered. They behave differently if Billy’s mum could pop up at any moment. It stops them enjoying themselves. Next time they won’t invite billy. My ds1 had a parent who did this and it pissed me off. I wanted my child to learn how to navigate the train station, or figure out the bus route. She would offer a lift, I’d decline, she’d scoop him up off the pavement anyway. My kid happy to have a lift, I’d rather he learned how to travel independently (which is why I wasn’t driving him myself). She would try to change their arrangements, tell the, to hang around local small town instead of going to the city with the big skatepark and better food. She’d go shopping in city, trailing around he reluctant daughter. I’d be getting endless messages, even when the boys were 16. They are off to uni in September. Hers is going to London. He’s still never been on a bus. Yes, he’ll pick it up but my parenting is more gentle, age appropriate, challenges starting in babyhood, hers is cotton wool to baptism of fire. I don’t want to have to substitute her parenting for my own. I’d be irked that your actions were impacting on my child (admittedly not that much, and not compared to your own child) and that I was expected to be grateful for it. What am I supposed to say? “Thanks for tailing my kid! Was worried he would have to learn independence!” Smiley face, smiley face, crying with laughter face. I wouldn’t mean it, I would mean “what the fuck”. So I’d say nothing

FreeBritnee · 23/07/2021 08:55

I don’t think you’re weird at all. I’d have messaged you back and we’d probably have become friends down the line. People are just weird nowadays. Perhaps too busy to be friendly if I were being polite.

Shakespeare79 · 23/07/2021 08:58

@MySecretHistory

Hey Mums I don't know I am going to stalk your child

Are you also going to walk him to and from secondary school?

Plenty of people drive their kids to secondary school. It’s not that weird. Not all Y7s are totally independent from day 1.

People are being so “mean girls” on this thread.

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 09:00

@FreeBritnee

I don’t think you’re weird at all. I’d have messaged you back and we’d probably have become friends down the line. People are just weird nowadays. Perhaps too busy to be friendly if I were being polite.

Can we stop calling people weird because they don't think the same way as you?

A poster has mentioned her number being given around increases a risk to her personal safety. Do you still think it's weird?

I have tried to explain how it makes me feel as an autistic person, you know, with a legitimate disability that makes me feel guarded. Still weird?

I also suggested the idea that people are put in a position where they have to leave rather then asked in the first place can cause anxiety and harm to them. Are you still thinking it's weird?

Weird does not equal different.

lastcall · 23/07/2021 09:02

@BillyRaywasapreachersson

I think this comes from a good place, but setting up a what's app group with randoms to tell them you are stalking your child (and by association, theirs) does make you seem a tad OTT.
Yep
Coronawireless · 23/07/2021 09:04

I think it’s weird that people who are being stalked or who are so anxious they can’t let anyone know their phone number don’t seem to mind where their 11 year old goes without supervision and don’t want to get to know any of their child’s friends parents - in fact, will be rude and hostile if they try to be friendly.
THAT to me is the weird part!

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 09:06

@Coronawireless

I think it’s weird that people who are being stalked or who are so anxious they can’t let anyone know their phone number don’t seem to mind where their 11 year old goes without supervision and don’t want to get to know any of their child’s friends parents - in fact, will be rude and hostile if they try to be friendly. THAT to me is the weird part!

Did you actually just say that?

Sometimes I really wonder about people, today you are people.

What part of you thinks that when someone shows a bit of vulnerability it's acceptable to put the boot in?

I feel for you. What an awful way to think about others.

Coronawireless · 23/07/2021 09:07

So much paranoia - not you, OP, you’re the least paranoid person on this thread - but you’ve probably had your question answered now at least!

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 09:07

There’s a difference between my child going to the local town with a bunch of mates and my telephone number being shared with people I don’t know.

And if I’m added to a group, even if I leave, all those people still have my number.

I don’t give my number out to random people until I know them. The school had it but I’ve never been in an all class what’s app.

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 09:08

And it’s not that I don’t let ANYONE Have my number. It’s just that I’m careful who i give it to and I don’t give it to people I don’t know.

Chippingbird23 · 23/07/2021 09:10

Probably a a bit much for whatsapp group but you do sound lovely and I can see why you feel put out. I have young kids but at that age probably getting more independent. I went swimming with friends and no parents when I was that age but no phones Or whatsapp then lol.

monkeyallen49 · 23/07/2021 09:11

@pastafeend but it's ok for the OP to repeatedly be called weird and creepy just for being protective of her child...right Confused

Some people have genuine safety reasons for not wanting their number shared like the pp who mentioned stalking, that's fair enough. But I imagine these scenarios are in the minority. Perhaps it was an oversight on the OPs behalf but it's absolutely obvious her actions have come from a good place and she doesn't deserve rudeness and sheer insults.

Agree it's all very mean girls.

Chippingbird23 · 23/07/2021 09:12

Forgot to say was the late 80’s early 90’s 😂 a time when childhood and parenting was altogether another reality.

MsTSwift · 23/07/2021 09:12

There’s a family here where each parent walks each secondary age child to their respective schools. That would have been mortifying even in my day. I don’t know what the parents are thinking. We live in a very safe small city. Literally every other child walks alone or with pals.

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 09:13

But the op doesn’t know whether people have good reason not to want their numbers shared. It’s manners to ask first before adding anyone to a WhatsApp group.

Youdiditanyway · 23/07/2021 09:14

If they’re 11 I’m guessing they start secondary school in September so you need to learn to unclench I’m afraid. My DS is also this age and it has been incredibly daunting to admit he’s growing up and start to allow him some independence but I’ve had to grit my teeth and get on with it. Does your DS have a phone? If so, you’re always contactable. I think waiting there watching them all is OTT and weird, the other parents probably think the same thing.

HosannainExcelSheets · 23/07/2021 09:14

I have a child the same age. If a strange adult suggested they'd follow him when out with his friends, I'd definitely reply. I'd tell you to back the hell off and of you followed my child I'd report you to SS and the police.

Your behaviour is completely out of order.

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 09:16

but it's ok for the OP to repeatedly be called weird and creepy just for being protective of her child...right

I haven't said this?

Also, in a response to you almost an hour ago I clarified that I agree the name calling is not acceptable. Why have you picked me up here for something I haven't done, again?

tttigress · 23/07/2021 09:17

When I was 11 I was allowed to go to the local high street, swimming, cinema alone, but not into the big city (Birmingham).

I think you may be a little ott, depending on what the event is, but..the parents could have done a little one line, "ok, great, good thinking" or something.

But then again, how did you get all their numbers?

Shakespeare79 · 23/07/2021 09:19

@MsTSwift

There’s a family here where each parent walks each secondary age child to their respective schools. That would have been mortifying even in my day. I don’t know what the parents are thinking. We live in a very safe small city. Literally every other child walks alone or with pals.
What do you mean by “even in my day”? Surely it was more “normal” in the past for all kids to walk to school alone?
Shakespeare79 · 23/07/2021 09:20

@HosannainExcelSheets

I have a child the same age. If a strange adult suggested they'd follow him when out with his friends, I'd definitely reply. I'd tell you to back the hell off and of you followed my child I'd report you to SS and the police.

Your behaviour is completely out of order.

Grin
SheABitSpicyToday · 23/07/2021 09:21

I’d have replied but you wouldn’t have liked it. I probably wouldn’t let my chips go either if some strange person messaged me saying they were found to following my child.

Bluntness100 · 23/07/2021 09:21

I think people need to remember that the op was asking why people didn’t respond to her, were they being unfriendly or if she has weird expectations.

As such posters are trying to explain that basically she got a list of numbers of people she’d never met, didn’t introduce herself immediately and then informed them all she’d be “tailing” the kids when they went into town. Which for most parents would be discomfiting. To say the least.

No one is being mean girls, they are simply explaining why the parents are not responding to her, who they have never met, expressing she’s going to be following the kids like it’s normal behaviour.

allwrongitsallwrong · 23/07/2021 09:22

Sorry I wouldn't know how to respond to this message.

As they are going into town, that means they are going to be moving around. That means you are going to be physically walking after them, even if from a distance. It is going to be obvious you are following them. That is quite an odd thing to do. I'd have been mortified if my mum did that and I think most 11 year olds would.
If I were another parent I would probably be thinking 'I don't want a middle aged woman trailing behind my kid, thanks'. I would also be a bit bemused that a stranger is suggesting I don't know where my kid is or what he is doing. But I wouldn't know how to say any of that so would just say nothing.