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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

356 replies

IrisAnon · 22/07/2021 21:44

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

OP posts:

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 08:24

I find this whole thing about having to get permission to add someone to a WhatsApp group so weird. If you don't want to be in it, just leave.

And I find it weird that people think it's acceptable to force someone to have to leave. Ask. Don't add strangers to random groups and be so flippant as to suggest if they don't like it they can leave. For some people that would cause huge issues of anxiety over whether it is the right thing to do or not, how the other parents will feel etc.

Consent should always be the go to.

monkeyallen49 · 23/07/2021 08:24

@pastafeend understood.

The op has also said she suffers from social anxiety and may have misread what's appropriate but I don't see her getting much sympathy, people are calling her weird and creepy.

Zhampagne · 23/07/2021 08:27

I find this whole thing about having to get permission to add someone to a WhatsApp group so weird. If you don't want to be in it, just leave.

If a parent at the school gate asked you for another parent’s number would you hand it over without checking with them first?

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 08:27

This is what she says:

If she wants to track her child. Grand. Not mine thanks.

Tailing along at a distance is not something I’d be happy with. At 11 I wanted mine to learn to be independent and an afternoon in a local town with mates is something I’d be comfortable with. The op has no right to restrict my child’s independence in that way.

Whether or not other parents knew about the plans is none of her business.

And, as I said, I’d be an anxious stressed mess about my phone number being added to a group of people I didn’t know by a stranger. Not cool.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 23/07/2021 08:28

I hate WhatsApp groups so tend to mute them immediately.

I'd also think you were a bit full on based on your plans to follow the kids so I'd give you a very wide berth.

pastafeend · 23/07/2021 08:28

@monkeyallen49

Not by me. I'm just trying to show the other side of the coin. People have been awful name calling though. I don't think any of that is justified.

Chachachawoo · 23/07/2021 08:28

It sounds like you were trying to be friendly and helpful and the other parents can't really be bothered.
I would probably do the same thing in your shoes, as you say, to check there is an actual plan etc and bc it's nice to know who your kid's friends are.
I think it's a combination of the other parents hating extra groups, being busy and mainly that they can't really be bothered....
Don't take it personally they just aren't wired the same way as you

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 08:31

Even if I leave a group, people I don’t know have been given my telephone number. That is not ok.

Subbaxeo · 23/07/2021 08:31

If I got a message about starting a WhatsApp group for my kids’ friends parents, I’d just ignore it. I’m glad mine were young before all this-I’m quite private and would find it quite intrusive tbh. And I’d think that other parents’ anxieties would be something I’d want to avoid too-I want my kids to learn independence so the thought of hanging around while meeting up with friends isn’t something I’d want to do. I assume son has a phone so he can call his mum if he needs to.

HoppingPavlova · 23/07/2021 08:32

Could be worse, I remember with one of mine one of the kids in the group would do forms to be signed for an outing. This was encouraged/promoted by the parents who helped the kid generate said documents. It was literally a pack of document with an agenda saying exactly where they were going, how they were getting there, shops to be visited while there (picked by that particular kid I guess), chance of injury risk assessment and disclaimers. For a get-together at the local town/shops. Supposedly I was meant to counter sign this shit after my child had signed it. Obviously the kids parents were not even lawyers, or would have known how meaningless this was. So, while I’d be scratching my head at a random What’sApp chat because my child was meeting others at the shops, based on my experience it could be far, far worse.

MozzchopsThirty · 23/07/2021 08:34

I think you're getting a bit of a roasting on this thread OP.

FWIW I hate WhatsApp groups and leave most of them because I'm easily irritated

We live in a capital city, I would not let DS (11) go into the city with friends but he does go out on his own locally (Mac Donald's, park, school)
He has a phone so I can find him on the app but I've never done this, and a house key.

I find the 'tailing' thing weird tho, if you feel the need to 'tail' then he probably shouldn't go. I've never felt the need to do this

Shakespeare79 · 23/07/2021 08:34

@Iwastheparanoidex

I’m not suggesting she’s a deviant. I’m suggesting she’s imposing her parenting standards on other children.

I don’t feel it’s appropriate to be watching what other people’s kids get up to when they’re being allowed a spot of freedom. What’s the op going to do? Tattle to the parents if they swear or behave towards her child in a way she doesn’t like?

Part of them growing up is letting them navigate new experiences by themselves. Or a local big town it’s not a city hundreds of miles away. There is no need for the op to be asking for a plan or monitoring other children.

As I said. She can sit in a coffee shop for her own child if she feels she needs to, she can’t expect everyone else to buy into and support her keeping an eye on all the kids.

And I would be so angry if I was added to a WhatsApp group without my permission. There’s a reason I keep my number private.

I see what you mean. But I don’t think she’s asking the parents to “buy into” anything. It’s one thing to be more relaxed W it feel the need to supervise - but it still seems odd to me to actively object to supervision

You seem to be saying that you actively want your child to be doing stuff that they don’t want witnessed by any adults they know. But surely they get plants of freedom , based on what you’re saying, so this scenario would be no different to all the kids being at OP’s house and OP being present in the background?! Or do you insist all socialising is totally adult-free?

Shakespeare79 · 23/07/2021 08:35

*plenty of freedom, not plants

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 08:36

If I’ve made the decision that my child is mature and sensible enough to go out on their own, I don’t want that undermined by another parent.

They will do stuff parents don’t approve of, all kids do, it’s not for another parent to be monitoring that if I’ve decided I’m ok with it.

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 08:37

And socialising in the house is different. This isn’t that. This is starting to let go a bit and allow them to do age appropriate independent activities.

Motnight · 23/07/2021 08:40

It doesn't matter what we think, the other parents have made it really clear what they think by not responding to the WhatsApp messages from the Op.

Congressdingo · 23/07/2021 08:40

@IrisAnon

Just to clarify, I had some of the other parent numbers from a birthday party group that took place just before lockdown, the rest from Classlist - so I thought combining them into a Whatsapp group was an easier way of communicating. I don't think it's odd to put the numbers in a 'group' as the DS's are all in a close friendship group, but I take the point from you all that parents are fed up with more WApp groups. I thought it was useful to share numbers.

Also - AGAIN - I'm not intending to STALK other people's children FFS. I'm going to be at a distance and probably have a coffee in the area. So I think calling me some kind of child-stalking weirdo that would worry other parents is a bit far-fetched. This is my child's first trip out, so I'm taking that step to give more independence, but there's no way I'm going to drop and run.
When I say 'plan', I just wanted to check (in a friendly way) with other parents knew about the plan too. Again, it's a bit much to imply that I'm looking for a detailed plan of the afternoon. That would be weird.

You may not see it as stalking, I definitely would. And I'd be bloody unimpressed by any parent deliberately being somewhere near my child for such a mundane thing. Whitewater rafting then yes of course a parent or three nearby. A trip to a town, just suffocating.

What plan? Genuinely meant, these are just kids who maybe have no plan. Or as kids do, they have a plan for bowling or cinema then afterwards they just amble around town looking in shop windows and the like. Then head home. If you meant do the parents know their kids are going to town for the afternoon, then not every parent is that invested in every moment of their childs life and maybe their child has more independence than yours and they trust that child will be ok.

FWIW I had one child who could go do this type of thing because they were sensible from about 9, the other was easily 12 before some common sense hit. But once I decided they were ok, then I left them too it. I didnt follow around checking on them. Either trust your child or dont, but this will be mortifying for your child if you get caught.

IrisAtwood · 23/07/2021 08:42

@Zhampagne

I find this whole thing about having to get permission to add someone to a WhatsApp group so weird. If you don't want to be in it, just leave.

If a parent at the school gate asked you for another parent’s number would you hand it over without checking with them first?

Excellent point @Zhampagne

PuppyMonkey · 23/07/2021 08:43

I know OP has probably had enough responses by now but fwiw I think it’s just that some people (like me) don’t necessarily DO WhatsApp and just assuming they are on it and happy to be added by an unknown number and have a chat is slightly

I’d definitely be doing a “Sorry who is this?” kind of response.

monkeyallen49 · 23/07/2021 08:44

If a parent at the school gate asked you for another parent’s number would you hand it over without checking with them first?

No I wouldn't. But personally I wouldn't care about my number being shared through a group because...it's just a number. In the worst case scenario (which is highly unlikely) that someone began stalking you you could block the number. What else is realistically going to happen?

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings surrounding privacy, that's their right. But vilifying the op in this case is pretty unpleasant to watch when all she is doing is trying to protect her child.

Benjispruce5 · 23/07/2021 08:45

I’d hate that as a parent. These groups inevitably turn into inane chat so I have as few as possible. It’s strange to set one up without actually meeting the other parents first at school gates etc. They don’t know you so it sounds a bit intense to say you’re watching the group. If you need to track your own child, do it but don’t involve others that you don’t know.

Bluntness100 · 23/07/2021 08:45

I find it very rude not to respond to messages so I’m with you there, but if you’d sent a message like that, which does read yoire stalking the children I’d be unsure what to say and be concerned about you. I suspect that’s why they are ignoring you, you’ve basically sent them a message saying I’m letting my kid out and I’m going to follow them like a right weirdo.

Shakespeare79 · 23/07/2021 08:46

@Iwastheparanoidex

And socialising in the house is different. This isn’t that. This is starting to let go a bit and allow them to do age appropriate independent activities.

Fair enough. Seems odd to me. It seems a bit like that thing where a child freaks out if their parent is too close when they’re out with their friends - even if you actually want something from the same shop they’re in. “Go away, mum - I’m being cool with my friends.” Seems weird to defend that so vociferously.

My inkling is that people are enjoying giving OP a hard time and are therefore coming up with spurious reasons for their ideas. As I said, if all these other kids have total freedom usually, one mum sitting in a coffee shop 100 yards a way is going to have zero effect.

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 08:46

I need to keep my number private from anyone who might give it to my stalker. I’m entitled to that. I’ve had to change my number multiple times when he gets it and it is a pain in the fucking ass.

And to say you can just block completely misses the point of the impact of stalking on the victim.

MySecretHistory · 23/07/2021 08:47

Hey Mums I don't know
I am going to stalk your child

Are you also going to walk him to and from secondary school?

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