Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

[IrisAnon]

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

I think it's a bit weird, sorry op! I'd quietly be laughing to myself I found myself a member of a group like this but I would probably say hi out of politeness

The thing is OP - for the other parents it’s likely just “oh DS is going out with some mates tomorrow”. At that age that group of mates will be different every week, so creating a WhatsApp group around it is really strange.

It’s not like a class group or parents of kids involved in a sport. It’s just a random group.

I guess the WhatsApp thing is in lieu of a quick hello at the school gate , however there are so many WhatsApp groups going around at the moment they are probably thinking oh no not another one to keep up with, ping ping ping app day .
The kids are all mates but I doubt 8 sets of parents want to be friends on a group chat together. Don't take it personally and hope your son has a nice time.

WhatsApp groups are a subject in themselves. They can be very useful (organising weekend away with friends) but there are too many school ones. Our school banned the official year WhatsApp groups they had set up as someone in our year posted a list of "nice" and "naughty/bullying" kids as her son left. Unsurprisingly the proverbial hit the fan after that.

I don't mind people adding me to groups (the mute function is great) provided it's necessary. In the case of a group of kids going out together, I wouldn't expect/want a group to be set up. And I'm sure you mean well but the other parents probably found the reference to being around a bit weird. I might have said hi or not commented, I don't think it's rude either way.

I’d think that was weird sorry.

If you want to hang about in a coffee shop for your child, you do that. Others don’t have to.

And I’d find it very rude to be added to a WhatsApp group without being asked first.

Sorry.

I think this is a bit odd, if I'm honest. In secondary school, you don’t tend to know your kid's friends' parents. They probably don't see any reason to communicate with you.

People's kids have apparently been out on the town ''for years'' (prev poster) by the time they're 11. My kid is 12 and he's only been down to Coop and school on his own. And that's the norm where we live.

The same was true of my DD1 (now 12) before she started year 7, she hadn’t been out on her own really (partly down to lockdown obviously). But she is young for her age emotionally and has SEN, as well as being adopted.

However, despite this, she very early on asked to go out on her own, to Tesco Express, the park and out with friends. She definitely wanted that independence. It hasn’t been easy to make the transition, but they do need us to back off.

I would reply to you myself, OP, as I would understand where you were coming from. And I think some PPs have been ridiculous in calling you weird and a stalker and talking about blocking you.

However, starting a WhatsApp group was OTT and I can well understand why no one has replied, as it is somewhat intrusive, and out of place when at high school, as parents don’t get involved in their DCs’ friendships.

First trip into a big town that he doesn't know well.

There’s clearly a fairly significant back story to all this but a healthier way to approach the issue might be to take him on a recce of the town, disguised as a shopping trip.

Did you actually use the phrase ‘tailing along’? It does sound quite weird. You could have just said that you have some errands to run so you’ll also be around in that town on that afternoon if there was an emergency.

And I’m afraid I’m another one who finds it intrusive to be added to WhatsApp groups without being asked. You’ve just given every parent’s phone number to six strangers.

I don't know why people think it's rude not to reply. I'd be a bit miffed to be honest to just be randomly added to a WhatsApp group and would feel no obligation to participate in it. I do understand your concern but really, it would be better if you had just either given that parent a quick call or text.

I definitely would have responded out of basic manners and have had just this happen and all the other parents were similar.

11 is not old to be goingbto a different town that he doesn't know and I definitely would think it very normal to also go to the town and be in the general area if needed.

Not the least bit over protective.

Some parents like to be around if needed.

11 is not old and IMO too young to be going any distance without access to a parent.

All 4 of my children have all had friends that would have had parents that would appreciate your offer OP.

Nothing at all wrong with being quietly in the background as they get used to more independence.

Bizarre thread.

So it's rude to be added to a WhatsApp chat without your consent (lol) but not rude to ignore another parents perfectly polite message? Even if I did think it was a bit over the top, I would appreciate the fact that it's the behaviour of a loving and concerned parent and at least say hi. You don't need to get into deep conversation but to ignore completely is totally rude.

My ds wouldn't be taking this trip at 11 without some sort of supervision either.

OP it's rude they didn't reply. But I do think you're being a little overprotective. I crossed London to go to school on my own at 11. Just make sure he has a phone and money and he'll be fine!

I wouldn’t answer a message in a group like that. I’d leave and I’d message you to say don’t add me to a group again without my permission.

At secondary age, the parents aren’t involved to the same extent in the kids social lives and it’s a good time to leave them to get on with it themselves.

If the op wants to go to provide reassurance to her son, that’s up to her and I get that, but she has no right to ask for a “plan” or put me in a WhatsApp group to manage my child’s social life in a local town for an afternoon.

I’d be really pissed off if you did this to me. (Hate class list of phone numbers and generally am very protective of my telephone number. Due to last experience. It seems odd to me that the op hasn’t considered this, when she has said she’s protective of her son due to past experience but hey ho)

I think you have good intentions OP but it is a little unusual.

I'm also not sure I'd respond to your message because I really wouldn't know what to say.

I'd have been annoyed if I suddenly found myself in a new WhatsApp group of 9 and had a message from someone I didn't know

@Flowers500

I'm sorry, this is going to sound super harsh but I probably would have messaged the other parents privately to say I am not ok with this, who are you? Then maybe blocked you? Or possibly left a message saying "please don't follow my child, either drop your child off or it might be better for you to just go somewhere with them." And then left the group.

There are some weird responses on this thread- this being one of the weirdest!

I do get not liking the WhatsApp aspect - but all the stuff about being horrified that someone might want to supervise their 11 year-old is just ridiculous!

This thread has a real “cool girl” vibe - all the mums desperately trying to show how streetwise their kid is, and how laid-back their parenting is

My daughter is 11. Just finished year 6. All her friends are 11 too, and none of them have had much of an opportunity to do all this venturing out and finding their independence “years ago” (as one pp said). Lockdown hit when they were halfway through year 5, for one thing.

It’s perfectly normal to keep an eye on your kid. Feigning panic that another parent might, by being near their kid, also look at yours is absolutely mad. I’d actually be happy that a responsible adult was nearby. I know all my daughters’ friends’ mums as they’ve just finished junior school. There is absolutely no sense in which the kids all routinely swanning off into big cities unsupervised. We still organise drop-offs etc. For one thing, most don’t live within walking distance of each other

Sorry you’ve had such hostility OP. I think it’s as a pp said - early replies set the tone in this thread, and then it was a competition to out-cool one another

It’s fine for the op to want to keep an eye on her own kid, so go sit in a coffee shop and let him know where she is if he needs her.

It’s not ok for her to impose that on the other children or expect their parents to be ok with them being monitored by an unknown adult while they are out and about

I don't have whatsapp, and you don't know all these parents do either, do you?

@Iwastheparanoidex

It’s fine for the op to want to keep an eye on her own kid, so go sit in a coffee shop and let him know where she is if he needs her.

It’s not ok for her to impose that on the other children or expect their parents to be ok with them being monitored by an unknown adult while they are out and about

There will presumably be loads of adults in town

The fact that OP has said she’ll be there is actually reducing any risk presented by adults (risks which do exist, of course) because she’s identified herself. You and I both know she’s only there to supervise; why be silly and suggest she’s some sort of deviant?

So it's rude to be added to a WhatsApp chat without your consent (lol) but not rude to ignore another parents perfectly polite message?

I would find it intrusive, not rude. I'm autistic and I need to control my space and who is in it. Being added to a random group and hence having my number shared with several people without my consent would open up feelings I don't want. The reason for not answering wouldn't be rudeness on my part, it would be that I was actually unable to respond because when I am out in a situation that makes me feel out of control sometimes I cannot speak. It is exactly the same when using my phone.

@Iwastheparanoidex but surely that's why she created the group, to tell the parents what she was planning and see if they were ok with it? If they weren't they had the perfect opportunity to say please don't follow my child.

I find this whole thing about having to get permission to add someone to a WhatsApp group so weird. If you don't want to be in it, just leave.

It's all very well saying 'when I was 11' I did such and such. The world has changed. Kids have been inside much of the past 2 years. I don't blame the op for being worried and I think some of the replies here are disgraceful towards someone who has already said she has social anxiety issues.

I’m not suggesting she’s a deviant. I’m suggesting she’s imposing her parenting standards on other children.

I don’t feel it’s appropriate to be watching what other people’s kids get up to when they’re being allowed a spot of freedom. What’s the op going to do? Tattle to the parents if they swear or behave towards her child in a way she doesn’t like?

Part of them growing up is letting them navigate new experiences by themselves. Or a local big town it’s not a city hundreds of miles away. There is no need for the op to be asking for a plan or monitoring other children.

As I said. She can sit in a coffee shop for her own child if she feels she needs to, she can’t expect everyone else to buy into and support her keeping an eye on all the kids.

And I would be so angry if I was added to a WhatsApp group without my permission. There’s a reason I keep my number private.

I found you needed to make an effort to get to know parents at secondary school as there was no school gates experience. I wanted to know where my child was and who with when I agreed to sleepovers etc.

My dd and her friends would get the train to London for the day at age 11 though. It's 50 mins away by train. They had to be home by 6pm. Covid has undoubtedly made it harder to build up children's independence though.

I get added to loads of WhatsApp groups, several for work, loads for Ds sports etc, parties etc. If I was added by a parent to another group, that wouldn’t phase me. If you added my dh thiugh, he wouldn’t answer. He barely answers me
Maybe some of them found it OTT if their kids have been doing this for a while. Some kids would be mortified. If you’d said, hi, I’m Toby’s mum, the kids are meeting and I’m in town at the same time, so if anyone needs a lift home, I can drop a few of the kids back.
Maybe some literally don’t know what to say so are saying nothing. Sone may find it a bit creepy and over stepping boundaries to be added to a group without asking. Have they all seen your message?