DS got very drunk - punishment or not?

[slyfa]

Posting here for traffic

My son is 15. In the past, he's had sips of alcohol but never enough for him to get drunk. Today, he went out with a couple friends and they went to a field. Sons friends said that a few boys about 16/17 that go to their school went up to DS and asked him if he wanted to drink with them, DS said yes and left his friends. When he went back to them they said he was acting drunk which they thought was funny but then he told them he didn't feel well and he threw up, he wouldn't let them have his phone to call me or DH so one of them texted DD. When I got there, he was laying on the grass, drooling and he’d also wet himself and his friends were next to him asking him if he was ok etc. They don't know what he drank as he wouldn't tell them.

When we got home, he went to bed and we've been checking on him. DH thinks that tomorrow, when he's sober we should give him a punishment for getting so drunk, but I'm not sure if we should as surely this would be enough to stop him from getting drunk again (well for a while at least!).

Would you give him a punishment this time or just leave it?

@slyfa

He seems ok today, although he is very hungover so he's still in bed. I think I will make him wash his clothes later and ill talk to him about the dangers of alcohol and getting very drunk and I'll ask him if he remembers what they gave him etc.

I wouldn't make him wash his clothes, he will be feeling mortified at having wet himself in front of his friends, don't make it any worse by doing this.

I really don't feel like a punishment is necessary, everyone learns about alcohol in this way. He was probably trying to impress the older boys - just talk to him about it, hopefully this will be a big wake up call.

What good will a punishment do? Next time he won’t come home and will try and stay at a mate’s or god forbid will sleep at the park.

He’s nearly sixteen, he’s going to drink.

Reiterate the important of safety when he’s drinking him. Teach him about the dangers of alcohol and make sure he knows to drink water, stay out the sun etc. It’s better he learns how to handle alcohol from you than his mates the same age. Make sure you emphasise that no matter where he is you or his dad will always come and pick him up if he gets into a state.

I watched so many times the effect strict parents had on kids in my high school. They didn’t know how to handle alcohol and couldn’t ring home. I remember a friend of mine with a drinking problem and severely religious parents. We would be at parties and she would pass out and we wouldn’t know what to do - all we knew not to do was ring her mum and dad.

Give him a talk this morning and then paracetamol and lots of water. You don’t have to provide him with alcohol/let him drink under your roof but educate him how to drink responsibly.

We hid drinking from parents as teens.
With mine, I told them I know they will drink, but please realise, I would far rather they called me if they felt bad, and be collected and safe, then taken advantaged of by a random stranger. Remind your son it is not only women and girls who get raped when dead drunk.
Tell his dad that if he has ever been drunk , he needs to talk to his son about it , not punish. This young man should be told never get so drunk your out of it.

It's not just the alcohol you need to talk to him about. He went off with people he did not know and drank what they gave him. That is more worrying than getting drunk. Anything could have happened to him. Anything. And no one even knew the names of the people he went with, and if it's in the middle of a park then there may not be any security cameras.

Yes, where are you and DH on the punishment front? I think the not wanting to call you speaks volumes.

He went himself in public I think he’s been punished enough. But you definitely need to have a discussion about being safe while drinking- the amount, the heat, avoiding your drink being spiked, seeking help when things go wrong.

Well done to his friends for being so responsible and doing the right thing.

@Fiddliestofsticks

It's not just the alcohol you need to talk to him about. He went off with people he did not know and drank what they gave him. That is more worrying than getting drunk. Anything could have happened to him. Anything. And no one even knew the names of the people he went with, and if it's in the middle of a park then there may not be any security cameras.

This is true. Actually if it was one of mine I think I’d have taken them to hospital just to be on the safe side as no one knows what he was drinking for sure and who he was actually with.

I wouldn't punish him.He night well have landed the nickname Pissy Pants which will be mortifying enough.

One good thing is that his friends stayed with him. That is good.

You need to have the talk with him about why you shouldn't drink anything given to you in an already opened bottle etc. The same talk we have with our daughters. Unfortunately that is the reality these days.

I'd give him some consequences, like next time he goes out he has to check in by whatsapp/text/call every 30 minutes or you're coming to get him.

I’d be far more worried about him going off with strangers even if they did go to the same school. Thank goodness his friends were there!

Punishing him for this would just be power trip parenting.
I would talk to him about how worried you were and ask him to think of the consequences.
He has very nice friends who looked after him even after he ditched them to go off drinking with the older boys, he probably felt like part of the cool gang when they asked him, maybe he can reflect on whether they acted like friends or were just trying to make a fool of him.
I wouldn't rule out the possibility of having been spiked with drugs but don't think it's a given... I know people who've wet themselves when drunk.

I was spiked when I was young and found flashbacks scary.

Make sure he thanks his friends for looking after him. And his sister.

You can talk to DH about what you both want to achieve, which is that it doesn't happen again and that he is aware of the dangers. Cutting off his WiFi or whatever won't achieve that.

I should imagine the no doubt stonking hang over is punishment enough tbh. IRC my first one lasted 2 horrendous days.

I think you need to chat to him about what happened though and talk about drinking in general. What would worry me is that he wouldn't let his friends call you, you definitely need to talk about that.
I know quite a few people who had to get taken home by their parents between 16-18 after too many drinks at a party- usually because they were young and testing limits and hadn't meant to get that drunk. They are all fine today- because their friends called up parents out of concern. They all need to know it's better and safer to be able to call you, and even if you're cross inside, they won't get in trouble for making the safest decision. We used to reckon embarrassment and hang overs were punishment enough. The kids who had scary parents would just end up back home with someone who had less scary parents too.

That sounds quite odd to me? Why would older kids approach and ask him to drink with them? How long was he away from friends? How quickly did he get drunk? Is it possible he was set up? Spiked? Drugs? Poor kid. I've been drunk many times as a kid (and as a young adult)but never weed myself.

I'd also reinforce that no matter what state or pickle he's in he should call you.

@Yaya26

I'd also reinforce that no matter what state or pickle he's in he should call you.

Always! OP, this stuff happens. Natural consequences (hangover/embarrassment) is all that's necessary. Youngsters can and do experiment. Your job is to help him navigate it all whilst retaining a good relationship with him going into adulthood. It's a tricky time but punishment from you won't help.

I recon today's suffering (both the mental and physical) will be punishment enough.

Make sure he's aware of wetting himself/laying drooling. As the shock tactic of what it actually made him do will add to the "I best not do that again"

But do stress that it's bad he didn't ask you for help. And imagine if someone had tried to mug/hurt him in that state.

It's a very scary prospect.

Definitely don't punish him, that's unreasonable as it's his first time and he may have had his drink spiked, we don't punish women for that. He will be feeling humiliated - he wet himself in front of everyone and was drooling. That is more punishment that someone could handle at that stage. What he needs now is understanding and talk to him tonight about everything, what he remembers, what he drank etc. He will go through hell at school for this, so don't alienate him by making him feel worse, be there as an ear and a soft place for him to land.

I've spoken to DS and he told me he doesn't know what he drank as he doesn't remember anything, he only remembers leaving his friends, but he also thinks he remembers the boys tried to give him more alcohol and he said no so they left him. But he doesn't remember going back to his friends after. He is mortified that he wet himself and he thinks his friends will laugh at him.

I will have a proper chat to him later about him leaving his friends and him not wanting them to contact us etc.

probably wouldn't punish him but I'd having a chat with him about it

Sounds as if the natural consequences are punishment enough.

The important thing is that he learns:

• you will take care of him even if he has done something 'terrible' and that he can call you when in trouble because you will know what to do.

-that impressive older kids are not to be trusted.

• that he has good friends and should stay with them.

-that alcohol is something to be wary of and not simply a forbidden pleasure

you will take care of him even if he has done something 'terrible' and that he can call you when in trouble because you will know what to do.

Yes, that's what I was trying to say with my post but you said it better. He needs to know he can come to the OP and not be fearful of punishment or ridicule.

I think you're doing the right approach OP. It's how vulnerable they are when they're in that state that has always concerned me, anything could happen to them (rape, robbery) and they're unable to help themselves if they're so far gone they're at the stage of wetting themself. Hopefully he'll be a lot more careful in future as a consequence, but I wouldn't take it for granted. shitty behaviour from the older boys, hope that at least some of them are secretly ashamed of themselves.

It really sounds like his drink was spiked.

He needs to thank his friends for looking out for him and learn that accepting unknown drinks or substances from unknown people is very dangerous.

A boy near us was found dead on some common land not long ago. His so called mates abandoned him when he was unable to help himself.