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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

“Friend” behaviour

132 replies

Tblock · 22/07/2021 11:17

I just want to express something that has been going on for years with me and my partners friend. She’s a female by the way. She literally copies everything in our life and it honestly pisses me off. I just want to see if I’m being unreasonable or petty? And seeing if this were to happen to you, would you feel the same? She’s been copying my wife’s clothes for years. So, for instance 1 particular time, my wife bought a dress and this friend was with her. A week later the friend is seen wearing that same dress out somewhere, basically meaning my wife can’t really wear that dress anymore in fear of having the same outfit on a night out. It doesn’t end there though. Ear rings, jewellery, watch etc etc, she will always ask, where do you get that from? Then inevitably will go out and purchase it behind your back. Even really petty things like me for instance, I’m a huge movie buff and have a really extensive movie collection. This friend sees this one day and suddenly months later, her cupboard is stacked with unopened movies she’s just bought. My wife and I have just decorated our 3 month baby boys spare room into a big jungle nursery a few months back. This friend has recently bought a house with her partner and her spare room is … you guessed it, jungle themed!!! I could go on and on. Sofa in our front room? She bought exactly the same one. My wife a few years back said something to her about it, so it’s been mentioned to her, yet she still behaves this way. It’s not just us though as she does this to a lot of people, but we in particular she seems to want to emulate our life and everything in it. It’s got to the point where I just want to cut her off, but she’s knows my wife for a long time. We announced our pregnancy at our wedding last year and you could see she was a bit funny all night. Almost to the point of being jealous. She’s been constantly asking my wife prior to that about when we want kids and my wife just swerved it by saying “in a few years” and she would be like “ yeh me too “. Moment we announce our pregnancy, she’s txing other friends with kids asking baby questions 😂😂😂 honestly, she’s for real and she displays lots of narcissistic personality traits which leads me to believe there’s something seriously wrong with her and maybe I’m being harsh ? You tell me

OP posts:

Cloudninenine · 22/07/2021 11:26

I can see why it would be a bit irritating - but it’s also pretty harmless. Sounds like she doesn’t have a strong sense of taste / style herself so she copies what her friends are doing.

You can’t diagnose narcissism unless you’re a psychiatrist, and there is a tendency on mumsnet to ascribe every single slightly annoying personality trait to narcissism.

If she’s your wife’s friend there’s no real need for you to socialise with her too. You can avoid her if she’s very annoying to you.

the80sweregreat · 22/07/2021 11:28

Why would she do up a room in a ' jungle theme' if she hasn't got children herself yet ?
She sounds a bit unhinged to be honest.
I would quietly drop her and not engage with her ( if you can) she sounds a bit unstable and could cause you other problems down the line.

Original poster

Tblock · 22/07/2021 11:29

@Cloudninenine

I can see why it would be a bit irritating - but it’s also pretty harmless. Sounds like she doesn’t have a strong sense of taste / style herself so she copies what her friends are doing.

You can’t diagnose narcissism unless you’re a psychiatrist, and there is a tendency on mumsnet to ascribe every single slightly annoying personality trait to narcissism.

If she’s your wife’s friend there’s no real need for you to socialise with her too. You can avoid her if she’s very annoying to you.

She’s very annoying to my wife too. If a female were to post this ie my wife, just seeing if you would be posting the same response ? And 100% she displays narcissus traits. I haven’t even explained half of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tblock · 22/07/2021 11:29

@the80sweregreat

Why would she do up a room in a ' jungle theme' if she hasn't got children herself yet ? She sounds a bit unhinged to be honest. I would quietly drop her and not engage with her ( if you can) she sounds a bit unstable and could cause you other problems down the line.

I know. This is my point. She’s very unhinged, but it’s hard to just go out and tell someone that.

OP posts:

CounsellorTroi · 22/07/2021 11:38

Perhaps she has no confidence in her own taste, or just is not interested enough in things to develop her own taste and style?

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/07/2021 11:40

Stop telling her where you get stuff from.
Your wife can wear what she likes. The friend will look foolish.
Disengage.

Frazzle76 · 22/07/2021 11:41

She must have other nice traits to have been your wife's friend for such a long time surely?

Is there a different way to manage this then getting irritated?

Ie. Don't meet at your house - then she can't copy your jungle room / sofa / dvd collection etc. (I mean you must have been showing off your nursery for her to even know that right? Personally guests arnt allowed upstairs in our house and I'd be horrified at people looking at any bedroom but thats preference).
And when she asks where something is from say 'oh I'm not sure, probably dunelm / JL / insert wrong shop here. Not really sure, so and so got me it'

You don't need to be in each others pockets to be friends.

Original poster

Tblock · 22/07/2021 11:43

@Frazzle76

She must have other nice traits to have been your wife's friend for such a long time surely?

Is there a different way to manage this then getting irritated?

You don't need to be in each others pockets to be friends.

Why should you have to hide stuff from friends in case you don’t want to be copied ?

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 22/07/2021 11:45

It’s insecurity and a lack of confidence in her own decisions, maybe she feels like she has something to prove. I would pity her if anything as it sounds tiring to live like that. But she’s your wife’s friend, and your wife can cool down the friendship if it gets to her as much as it does you.

Original poster

Tblock · 22/07/2021 11:45

Oh and this particular crowd of friends is both me and my wife’s, so it’s not as easy as just me cutting her off, as we all are part of the same crowd. A lot of our other friends don’t speak to her now through various reasons but we have always stuck by her, but I just feel constantly she’s trying to compete with us. I want to ask the question, how is that a friend ? That’s not normal behaviour

OP posts:

FrankGrillosFloof · 22/07/2021 11:47

You need to start getting creative. Tell her you’re decorating your kitchen in unicorn theme and getting unicycles for doing the school run.

Original poster

Tblock · 22/07/2021 11:49

@FrankGrillosFloof

You need to start getting creative. Tell her you’re decorating your kitchen in unicorn theme and getting unicycles for doing the school run.

😂😂

OP posts:

redheadwitch · 22/07/2021 12:02

I would find this incredibly annoying. My personality is that I enjoy being a little bit different. If people I was connected to had something, or something is "on trend", my natural inclination is to veer the opposite way (a rebellious teen trait that has stuck around). So, if I was making lifestyle choices based on uniqueness and someone went out their way to copy it, I would be really quite pissed off.

I think that you may need to make a more pointed statement, as clearly the comments you've made in the past haven't quite struck the right note about just how this has grown tedious and frankly, a little ridiculous baby nursery and no baby is insane .

Many people will fob off with "imitation is the highest form of flattery" but I call b*llshit on that and say that its close-minded and irritating.

ARabbitisaBunny · 22/07/2021 12:09

I second FrankGrillosFloof. I had a 'friend' like this - couldn't buy anything without her demanding to know where I'd bought it or how much it had cost etc. I started to say things were presents, that I had found an item of clothing in a charity shop or simply couldn't remember. She also had an annoying habit of believing that anything I owned was available to her to borrow.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 22/07/2021 12:10

Have done fun with it. Tell her you are getting your head shaved for charity next month, or a face tattoo.
Or I don’t know, tell her your selling everything you own and going to live somewhere far away like Antarctica to study penguins. Maybe she’ll have copied you and be far far away before she realises you haven’t done it.

Or you could ask her why she does it and see where the conversation goes. You never know she might a talk about it and you can gently guide her to having her own style, or b() be so offended she never talks to you again and the problem is solved.

Frauhubert · 22/07/2021 12:20

I knew someone like this. It became very creepy, I felt like a had a stalker. When we met she had red hair, then soon after she turned up looking like my twin with the same hair style and colour. Not only this, she also copied every single of my perfumes, bought the same clothes and jewellery. This included also things that were discontinued some years ago- she found them on ebay or vintage websites. The most creepy thing was when she went on holiday to my favourite place, to my favourite restaurants on the island AND took insta photos posing the exact same poses and wearing copycat outfits (wearing a very distinctive designer silk beach coverup that you could only buy if you really hunted for it) in the exact same spot as me a from a few years ago.

Shamoo · 22/07/2021 12:33

I have a friend who did this to a lesser extent. After a couple of times, when she asked me where I got something I simply said “I’m not telling you as you will just go and buy it, which means that I feel like I then can’t wear it.” I laughed when I said it, and she accepted it. It’s been much better since. She won’t change unless you consistently challenge her - why would she?!

MrsToothyBitch · 22/07/2021 12:37

Invite her round for the evening, watch "Single White Female", then never talk to her ever again.

Joking, but in all seriousness I would stop letting in on where you buy things or showing her your home. If she notices, tell her why.

Youdiditanyway · 22/07/2021 12:42

Crikey, I had a friend like this in secondary school. She used to copy my clothes, make up, hair, taste in music, started getting piercings when I did etc. I found it really irritating so the friendship didn’t last very long. Looking back think she just admired me for whatever reason and perhaps I should have been flattered? I didn’t like it though.

DH’s best friend has had two children 10 months after our children were born now which just seems a little too coincidental. His GF literally gets pregnant a month after we have a baby, happened twice now. DH keeps joking we should have another soon to keep them on their toes.

It’s weird, not sure why people do this. I’m guessing they’re very insecure and struggle to carve a life/style out for themselves so feel the need to emulate someone else. I’d probably ditch this particular friend.

Original poster

Tblock · 22/07/2021 12:43

@Frauhubert

She acts like this too. We travel a lot and one of our destinations we love and got engaged in was Costa Rica. She’s now planning on that potentially being her honeymoon destination 😂😂😂 I mean this girl is sick in the head, but I’m not obliged to be telling her that as I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it’s behaviour like this that makes me question her mental stability. For the people saying it’s harmless. Ask yourself this question, if this was the other way round and it were to be you in this situation, I’m sure you would be annoyed. The issue is she’s part of her Crowd, so it’s not as easy as not telling her anything. One way or the other, she finds out what we buy or do

OP posts:

Thehop · 22/07/2021 12:48

I’d be very blunt

“Ooh your dress is nice where’s it from?”
“I’m not telling you, I don’t want you to copy.”

Or have fun with it.

Share hideous things and pretend you’re really excited about them. Let her stock up and laugh.

Or ignore it...... subscribe to the “best form of flattery” school of thinking and leave her to it whilst distancing yourself a bit.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/07/2021 13:01

I'd send her on a wild goose chase for something that you have 'on order' (make it wildly expensive or something that you in all honesty wouldn't have in your house) and gush over how excited you are to get one as they are really rare and it's going to go on your mantlepiece when it arrives. Now you and I know that you actually won't have bought this and you can fob her off with stories about delays in delivery and customs charges etc.
See if she bites. See if she gets one the same as the one that you 'ordered'.
Or perhaps you're changing your car or something quite expensive. Do it a few times, with some space in between and see if she keeps doing it.
It's not usual to create a nursery if there are no children. Surely they can see that???
Then you have concrete evidence of her 'copying' and you could approach her and/or her other half and say that it has to stop as it's bordering on stalker behaviour

LookItsMeAgain · 22/07/2021 13:10

Actually, after reading your last post, I'd start calling her out on it. Every. Single. Time.

"Here somes Sally, wearing the same dress that I have that was supposed to be a one-off."
"Look, here is Sally again. Gosh, she has the exact hairstyle that I do"
"Sally is probably wearing my underwear, she copies everything else!"
"I'd better make sure that I pick up my handbag when I am leaving as Sally has the same one as me"
"I wonder where Sally gets all her ideas from? Someone clearly has class and style"
"Look, Sally has the copy of my engagement ring."
"Look, Sally has the copy of my X, Y or Z"

You could even have a bet every time you're out with this circle of friends to guess what Sally is going to copy of yours this time! Who knows, you could end up making money out of it!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 22/07/2021 13:12

Why are they friends?

Start taking the piss
Bought a new type of loo roll this week, Brenda. I got the exact same pack for you too, don't panic.

Scarby9 · 22/07/2021 13:13

I had a friend who did this with dresses and trousers a couple of times.
When she said how much she liked a dress I had just bought, I told her, 'If you buy the same one, don't ever wear it somewhere we both are. I am claiming dibs on this one!'

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