“Friend” behaviour

[Tblock]

I just want to express something that has been going on for years with me and my partners friend. She’s a female by the way. She literally copies everything in our life and it honestly pisses me off. I just want to see if I’m being unreasonable or petty? And seeing if this were to happen to you, would you feel the same? She’s been copying my wife’s clothes for years. So, for instance 1 particular time, my wife bought a dress and this friend was with her. A week later the friend is seen wearing that same dress out somewhere, basically meaning my wife can’t really wear that dress anymore in fear of having the same outfit on a night out. It doesn’t end there though. Ear rings, jewellery, watch etc etc, she will always ask, where do you get that from? Then inevitably will go out and purchase it behind your back. Even really petty things like me for instance, I’m a huge movie buff and have a really extensive movie collection. This friend sees this one day and suddenly months later, her cupboard is stacked with unopened movies she’s just bought. My wife and I have just decorated our 3 month baby boys spare room into a big jungle nursery a few months back. This friend has recently bought a house with her partner and her spare room is … you guessed it, jungle themed!!! I could go on and on. Sofa in our front room? She bought exactly the same one. My wife a few years back said something to her about it, so it’s been mentioned to her, yet she still behaves this way. It’s not just us though as she does this to a lot of people, but we in particular she seems to want to emulate our life and everything in it. It’s got to the point where I just want to cut her off, but she’s knows my wife for a long time. We announced our pregnancy at our wedding last year and you could see she was a bit funny all night. Almost to the point of being jealous. She’s been constantly asking my wife prior to that about when we want kids and my wife just swerved it by saying “in a few years” and she would be like “ yeh me too “. Moment we announce our pregnancy, she’s txing other friends with kids asking baby questions 😂😂😂 honestly, she’s for real and she displays lots of narcissistic personality traits which leads me to believe there’s something seriously wrong with her and maybe I’m being harsh ? You tell me

@Picklypickles

I don't think its normal to keep "friends" around that you find annoying/creepy/unhinged etc and not to feel that you can even talk to them about your concerns or back off from a situation that is causing you so much upset? What kind of friendship is that? False, 2-faced and pointless is what that sounds like to me, the only reason I can think of for not saying something or backing away from the friendship is that you/your wife must be enjoying the drama and having something to whine about.

Pretty much this. Otherwise, you'd just tell them some way. I don't get it either.

@Picklypickles

I don't think its normal to keep "friends" around that you find annoying/creepy/unhinged etc and not to feel that you can even talk to them about your concerns or back off from a situation that is causing you so much upset? What kind of friendship is that? False, 2-faced and pointless is what that sounds like to me, the only reason I can think of for not saying something or backing away from the friendship is that you/your wife must be enjoying the drama and having something to whine about.

Not at all, completely wrong

I have explained already. My wife spoke to her about it a few years back and she ended up going to her boyfriend and saying life’s not worth living as her friends don’t like her. My wife felt guilty and hasn’t expressed her annoyance on the situation since. I explained this already a few times. Who the hell enjoys drama ffs?

What attracted you to mumsnet to post?

@MattHancocksSexTape

What attracted you to mumsnet to post?

What relevance does that have wether I’m male or not ? But be polite and answer you. I have been on the parent page when I had my baby boy for advice and I come across this particular section which was more about every day life. Seems I’m getting attacked by some being a male posting on here and that’s the truth of it let’s be honest here.

Well I had a friend like this. I remember a close relative saying how it was like stealing my identity and how a real friend wouldn’t behave like that. I did try to ask her to desist in the kindest possible way but was rebuffed aggressively and told I should be flattered. Very similar character - she maintained an unhealthy diet and was borderline underweight and was unable to be on her own. Suddenly became flirty, ditsy and gooey every time a man was around. It was embarrassing going out with her because she thought all the men were leering at her. Was always at least an hour late for everything or cancelled at the final minute. Treated her partner horrendously. If you tried to gently point out that you found her lateness and cancelling hurtful, you would be the one who ended up apologising as she would burst into tears and accuse you of not understanding her.

I do think you need to end the friendship as cordially as possible. Don’t make the mistake that I did - I eventually lost it with her, exploded with anger and she then told everyone I was crazy. You need stealth and planning to put an end to this friendship because these kind of personalities will cause untold trouble for you.

Why does your wife feel guilty, she isn't solely responsible for her friends mental wellbeing and happiness? Why is she under the impression that her friends feelings are more important than her own? She needs to speak to her again and ask her to stop copying her as its upsetting her and if she wont she will have to take a step back from the friendship. You can't let people manipulate you by saying shit like that, basically if she doesn't get to do whatever the fuck she likes she'll top herself and it will be her friends fault?! Your wife needs to let go of this guilt she's been manipulated into feeling or people like this "friend" will continue to walk all over her, I know from personal experience about being too nice and taking all that guilt onto your shoulders from other people.

I also have met far too many people who absolutely bloody love drama and upset, one of the many reasons I can't be fucked with most people!

@Picklypickles

Why does your wife feel guilty, she isn't solely responsible for her friends mental wellbeing and happiness? Why is she under the impression that her friends feelings are more important than her own? She needs to speak to her again and ask her to stop copying her as its upsetting her and if she wont she will have to take a step back from the friendship. You can't let people manipulate you by saying shit like that, basically if she doesn't get to do whatever the fuck she likes she'll top herself and it will be her friends fault?! Your wife needs to let go of this guilt she's been manipulated into feeling or people like this "friend" will continue to walk all over her, I know from personal experience about being too nice and taking all that guilt onto your shoulders from other people.

I also have met far too many people who absolutely bloody love drama and upset, one of the many reasons I can't be fucked with most people!

I think she felt guilty because the friend basically started saying stuff like “ life’s not worth living “ and making her feel like a horrible person when my wife confronted her about it once and my wife being the nice person she is, didn’t want to cause a confrontation anymore despite being pissed off with her antics. This is why my wife hasn’t said anything after. I don’t either purely because I don’t want to get involved, but part of me would love to just cut her off completely but again as I explained, we are all part of the same crowd.

@ValerieMalone

“Female” is an adjective. You were using it as a noun. Sorry if my feminine bollocks preference for accuracy offends you. Perhaps if you paid attention to how women think and behave you would be better equipped to cope with your issues relating to your wife’s friend.

I say your issues because you clearly have strong feelings about this woman yourself. In any case I’m not comfortable discussing your wife’s concerns through you. She’s a grown woman, I assume? If she wants MN opinions she should post herself. Human relations are complex and personal. Extra layers of interpretation especially from someone who reacts in a childish and sexist way when told how to correctly and respectfully refer to female human beings at best muddy the waters and at worst reflects an attempt to control your wife’s actions.

I think my eyes rolled an entire 360 degrees in my head at this one. Classic.

@AuntMasha

Well I had a friend like this. I remember a close relative saying how it was like stealing my identity and how a real friend wouldn’t behave like that. I did try to ask her to desist in the kindest possible way but was rebuffed aggressively and told I should be flattered. Very similar character - she maintained an unhealthy diet and was borderline underweight and was unable to be on her own. Suddenly became flirty, ditsy and gooey every time a man was around. It was embarrassing going out with her because she thought all the men were leering at her. Was always at least an hour late for everything or cancelled at the final minute. Treated her partner horrendously. If you tried to gently point out that you found her lateness and cancelling hurtful, you would be the one who ended up apologising as she would burst into tears and accuse you of not understanding her.

I do think you need to end the friendship as cordially as possible. Don’t make the mistake that I did - I eventually lost it with her, exploded with anger and she then told everyone I was crazy. You need stealth and planning to put an end to this friendship because these kind of personalities will cause untold trouble for you.

Honestly how you just described, exactly how she is

@blacksax

OP, you're an argumentative so and so The OP is responding to antagonsim.

Bollocks. It’s not antagonist to expect people to refer to women as women. “Girls” is patronising, and “females” is incorrect usage as has been explained.

@MaMaD1990, you are not the only one 😂😂😂😂 I’m just going to ignore it. Not worth the effort.

So, guys are not allowed to post on here then?

You want us to validate you policing your wife's friends and it's not going to happen.

@Tblock

Like I said above and I will repeat just in case some one missed it, another scenario is Costa Rica being one of our favourite places to travel and we got engaged there, so it holds a special Place in our heart and is personal to us. She’s now looking at that place as her honeymoon destination. Please can anyone tell me if this is normal behaviour?

Yes I would say this is normal. Lots of people travel to Costa Rica And if a friend is suggesting that a destination as a wonderful place to go, why wouldn't she essentially take that as a glowing recommendation for a wonderful trip?

It all sounds incredibly petty, who cares what sofa someone has in their living room, or if someone has the same dress? Unless you're buying one-of-a-kind pieces you need to accept that lots of people will have the same stuff.

@Coyoacan

So, guys are not allowed to post on here then?

You want us to validate you policing your wife's friends and it's not going to happen.

Here we go “policing” 😂😂😂😂😂.

Honestly it is petty, it doesn’t really harm you at all. Having said that, I’d have dumped her as a friend because I am petty.

It would more annoy me that it would feel like I couldn’t have anything to myself. A one off wouldn’t bother me but constantly copying everything I do would bug me.

Carrying on my total pettiness, I don’t think females are a different species. We’re just a different sex of the same species.

I understand your frustration. But unfortunately there isn’t a lot you can do if your wife won’t end the friendship, other than avoid the woman yourself as far as possible.

@BlaBlaSmthSmth, it’s not normal when it happens every time though. Everything you do. I’m sure you wouldn’t be too happy if it were happening to you constantly

However, presumably your wife doesn’t mind as they’re still friends? So I would just make a joke out of it, like ask the friend before buying a dress if she wants to see if they can get buy one get one half price just to get out in front of it.

You and your wife are clearly 2 faced, as you don’t actually say anything to her.

You’ve posted here on AIBU, and have a pen argument for every reply. Why post? Yes, it’s slightly annoying to have someone copy everything you do, but get a backbone and say something, or distance yourselves from the “friendship”.

You’re not going to do anything about it, so why post?

You’ve criticised her for her behaviour, relationships, weight, personality disorder that you have diagnosed etc etc. You are no friend. So what do you want? Bore off

@LizzieW1969

I understand your frustration. But unfortunately there isn’t a lot you can do if your wife won’t end the friendship, other than avoid the woman yourself as far as possible.

Agreed but I’m not trying to end my wife’s friendship, people need to realise here I am not controlling my wife’s friends. I am expressing a frustration on a forum about everyday life: Just unbelievable some of you lot on here. Like a bunch of vultures. Although I’m not referring to you by the way.

The "friend" is not a being a nice person though, she is being manipulative and selfish. You can't just walk around doing as you please and upsetting your friends/loved ones and then crying "life's not worth living, no one likes me boohoo" when you get called out for unreasonable behaviour, the more she is allowed to get away with pulling this crap the worse she'll get. Your wife is allowed to feel what she feels and to have some boundaries without being labelled as a "horrible person" ffs!

Do you think the rest of your crowd notices this womans copycat antics? What do they think about it all? If these people are your friends they should be able to understand that you don't appreciate having everything you own or do exactly copied all the time and be understanding if your wife feels she needs to take a step back from this particular woman.

@Kanaloa

However, presumably your wife doesn’t mind as they’re still friends? So I would just make a joke out of it, like ask the friend before buying a dress if she wants to see if they can get buy one get one half price just to get out in front of it.

It’s more acceptance now rather than don’t mind. She’s just fed up of being annoyed by it if that makes sense ? But deep down, I know it gets on her nerves

I am expressing a frustration on a forum about everyday life

You posted on AIBU and lots of people think YABU. Don’t get why you’re confused

@Picklypickles

The "friend" is not a being a nice person though, she is being manipulative and selfish. You can't just walk around doing as you please and upsetting your friends/loved ones and then crying "life's not worth living, no one likes me boohoo" when you get called out for unreasonable behaviour, the more she is allowed to get away with pulling this crap the worse she'll get. Your wife is allowed to feel what she feels and to have some boundaries without being labelled as a "horrible person" ffs!

Do you think the rest of your crowd notices this womans copycat antics? What do they think about it all? If these people are your friends they should be able to understand that you don't appreciate having everything you own or do exactly copied all the time and be understanding if your wife feels she needs to take a step back from this particular woman.

Oh trust me they do. We are not being petty, it’s noticed by all of the Crowd and she has lost other friends due to her constant lies and her unreasonable behaviour, so people on here calling me and my wife petty haven’t got a clue. As stated, we both have known her a long time. She come to our wedding abroad and the fiancée she cheated on and dumped, who by the way is also my friend we didn’t invite as she didn’t want him there. Despite him being the one cheated on. We respected that as she’s my wife’s friend.