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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 8 week old baby for the weekend?

390 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 22/07/2021 10:30

My best friend is having her hen weekend 8 weeks after I’m due to give birth. Will likely be more as I think I’m being induced early. It’s only 20 minute drive away and am taking my own car so can be home if I need to be or can get taxi.
Husband is actually looking forward to having the weekend to bond with baby by himself. Didn’t think anything was wrong until my sister said it was a disgusting thing to do and that the baby will be traumatised by it. I think she’s being Ott but do you think this is a terrible thing to do?

OP posts:
Ozanj · 22/07/2021 12:11

@HavelockVetinari

Oh, and my baby had a mix of expressed milk and milk directly from the breast - no bottle preference at all, in fact he infinitely preferred the breast.
Not according to this or my lactation consultant. If you are ebf effectively then it’s just not possible to pump 100ml plus (unless you have oversupply) after 6 weeks.

kellymom.com/hot-topics/pumping_decrease/

MrsR87 · 22/07/2021 12:11

This time last year, when I was pregnant, I would have thought similar to you although I’d probably only have done overnight. Now I’m mum to an 8 month old there’s now way I would have been able to leave him for a weekend at 8 weeks and to be honest I think I’d even struggle now!

If you’re formula feeding then there’s no reason why dad can’t look after him but I would hold out on a decision until baby is born if you can, you might feel differently to how you do now.

I was honestly so tired that I think a weekend of activities would have tipped me over the edge and I really was a party animal pre pregnancy lol. Is it somewhere close enough so that you could pop along for part of it?

Somethingsnappy · 22/07/2021 12:12

@Ozanj

*This isn't my experience at all. I had to express on one side for about ten days and would do so whilst my baby was feeding on the other. Both boobs would be comfortably drained to the same extent then next feed I'd use the expressed milk. It was always around 90 mls and I've no reason to believe that that wasn't comparable to what he got directly from the breast.*

90mls is oversupply. Most women only express 20ml of milk per feed from both sides - even if baby gets far more than that from the breast they have to work harder for it. Bottle feeding a child 90mls in one go is just asking for them to have a bottle preference. Rubbish advice like this is why I am so glad I paid for professional advice instead of taking anecdotal advice from people on MN.

I am an experienced professional in this field. 90 ml is NOT an oversupply at 8 weeks, but a perfectly average amount. With respect, I think you are just forgetting the age of your baby at the time of the advice you were given. 20ml from each breast is indeed a good amount for a MUCH younger baby (before 1 week old). Also the stop/start feeding method you describe resembles what we'd refer to as paced bottle feeding (although not quite as simple as that). Babies of 8 weeks will be usually taking the kind of amounts that they will then continue to take for the months to come. Breast milk has matured by then and babies' stomachs have grown.
3WildOnes · 22/07/2021 12:12

Even an 8 week old taking in milk at the lower end would have to feed 25 times a day!

tgt123 · 22/07/2021 12:13

Disgusting is an unacceptable comment.

I BF but left both my child at that age with their dad (and with my parents when they were a couple of months older). I expressed before I went and left formula if needed as well. Neither of mine differentiated between expressed milk and formula and were happy to BF and take a bottle. I also expressed when I was away if I needed to relieve things. Appreciate that not all babies are flexible in this way.

My husband was probably better than me at settling them if they cried. It was nice to have a break, see my friends and get a couple of unbroken nights' sleep. If others don't want to, that's totally fine but not being glued to my babies didn't make me a bad mother either.

I think the expectation of leaving babies to be a "selfish" thing doesn't help mums cope with the stress of the baby years. I was a better mum for having the odd break and it made my husband feel he was doing his bit too, plus having time to bond with the kids without me there. Each to their own, people are too quick to judge other mums.

3WildOnes · 22/07/2021 12:15

@Ozanj never had an over supply. Can express 150ml from my breast easily- in fact if I was missing I feed I needed to express this much as otherwise I would start to feel engorged- as this was how much my babies were taking from the breast.
You advice is dangerous and would lead to babies undernourished and starving.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/07/2021 12:16

Just make sure that they have properly bonded before you go away as you can't leave the baby with someone s/he isn't attached to. You need to make sure they have lots of time together and he does lots of feeding etc. in the first 8 weeks as well, leading up to it.

I agree - but considering the number of men who are terrified of ever having to look after their children themselves, even when they're school-aged (or it just doesn't occur to them that it could possibly be their job), I think the fact that OP's DH is actively looking forward to spending some one-on-one time looking after his baby, I think it's safe to say that they already have this one well and truly covered.

badacorn · 22/07/2021 12:17

Do it, that sounds nice. If you were bf it might throw a spanner in the works with that but you said you aren’t so I can’t see why not.

I say that as someone who is glued to my baby!

drpet49 · 22/07/2021 12:19

Your sister is silly saying traumatised but I’m with her. I don’t know anyone that would have left their 8 week old to go away for the weekend. Let alone for a hen party.

Somethingsnappy · 22/07/2021 12:19

@Ozanj... The Kellymom link you just use states clearly that those amounts can be expected if you are also breastfeeding full time. If a baby is feeding from the breast, it is usual to only produce a small amount via the pump between feeds. If a mother is not actually feeding from the breast, but pumping full time, she should expect a lot more than this. You have not clearly understood your own link.

Jent13c · 22/07/2021 12:24

@Ozanj baby would need 750ml a day...you expect dad to be making a bottle and feeding baby 37 times in 24 hours? I'm the biggest advocate for breastfeeding but I think that's asking too much of someone.

I wouldn't have left my first but happily left my second with his more than capable father at 12 weeks when I had to go back to work because DH lost his job. They were fine. He is still obsessed with me. There was no trauma. I like my babies close but describing a short separation it as traumatic is helping mums who end up in hospital after birth (v common gallbladder issues) feel like a failure.

PropertyFlipper · 22/07/2021 12:27

Certainly not something I'd have chosen to do. Eight weeks is still so little. I'd just have pined for my DD for the weekend, much as I might have welcomed the chance for a change of scenery.

3WildOnes · 22/07/2021 12:28

@Ozanj your own link says that a single breastfeeding session may express anywhere between 54ml and 234ml of milk.

BunnyRuddington · 22/07/2021 12:28

Another advocate of waiting until baby is here. I couldn't even part from them when I was in Hospital, took them with me to the toilet and shower. Those hormones can be funky old things.

BunnyRuddington · 22/07/2021 12:29

*funny Grin

Immunetypegoblin · 22/07/2021 12:29

I did that at 9 weeks as I was desperate to escape and feel like an autonomous human being again, however briefly! I did miss him a little the next morning but my DH happily reported that he didn't seem to notice or care that I was gone Grin so I wouldn't worry.

Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 22/07/2021 12:32

@BeeDavis

Me and my fiancé have a night away booked about 11 week after I give birth and I don’t think we’d be disgusting to leave our baby for the night! We already booked the trip before falling pregnant and my mum is very excited to look after baby and it will be nice for us to have a night off I imagine!! I don’t understand the whole attitude around not being able to leave babies when they’re young..
Well if you are exclusively breastfeeding then you can’t. It isn’t an ‘attitude’ it is just a fact.
FredBlankenship · 22/07/2021 12:37

My Mum went away for a weekend away when I was 8 weeks old and the trauma has impacted me, the whole of my life....

Not actually true, but the next time she has a moan at me, this will be my line, so thanks op - appreciate it.

Musmerian · 22/07/2021 12:39

If you haven’t had a baby before you’re going to have no idea how you’ll feel both physically and emotionally. You will, at that early stage, be almost a different person. There is no way I would have felt like doing this for so many reasons: tiredness, protectiveness, 24/7 breastfeeding, felling leaky and post partum. Until you e been there it’s hard to imagine, it’s not just you as you are now plus baby, it’s a whole different scenario. I’d play it by ear.

Highfivemum · 22/07/2021 12:39

Wtf. She is talking totally nonsense.
Us mums have enough stresses and pressure without silly comments like your sis is making.
It’s good for your baby if you are allowed a little time to have a chill. So do it. It is how comfortable you feel not Someone else.
Ignore her.

Hardchoices · 22/07/2021 12:43

Do what you want but prepared to be judged by your friends and people around you. You are the baby’s mother. Their number one most important thing in the world. Yes dad is there but it’s you they know and need. The fact that you are FF means you need to work even harder on the bond - no judgement - I mixed fed - but FF babies do not get the same closeness that BF babies do. Fact.

Itsbeen84yearss · 22/07/2021 12:44

I don’t think it’s a terrible thing to do but I wouldn’t personally, breastfeeding or not. Mines 8 months and I would struggle to leave her for that long.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/07/2021 12:45

I couldn't have done it 6 weeks after birth, I struggle to leave them at 6 months, but the baby with be with their dad, so it's fine. My dp went away to work for a week when last dd was 8ish weeks, she was fine.

Cherrysummer · 22/07/2021 12:45

Only read the first pages of replies and they pissed me off enough so couldn’t read further.

YANBU OP. I’m so sick of mothers being shamed into having to be martyrs to their children. Why the fuck couldn’t your DH look after his own child for 2 days?! It’s ridiculous that people are trying to make you feel guilty. If you’re breast feeding you can express, and if you’re bottle feeding then it makes no difference whether you’re there or not.

It will do your DH good to bond with the baby over a weekend.

Honestly, mumsnet gives me the absolute rage sometimes. No wonder so many women turn into boring, baby bore mothers with no sense or self- identity the minute they have a child with attitudes like the one on here.

Go if you feel up to it OP and don’t feel any guilt.

BunnyRuddington · 22/07/2021 12:45

That's true @Musmerian, especially with having no idea about how you are feeling. I'd had stitches with my first and that on its own would have made the trip a no for me.