To leave 8 week old baby for the weekend?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

My best friend is having her hen weekend 8 weeks after I’m due to give birth. Will likely be more as I think I’m being induced early. It’s only 20 minute drive away and am taking my own car so can be home if I need to be or can get taxi.
Husband is actually looking forward to having the weekend to bond with baby by himself. Didn’t think anything was wrong until my sister said it was a disgusting thing to do and that the baby will be traumatised by it. I think she’s being Ott but do you think this is a terrible thing to do?

My baby is 11 weeks and I couldn’t imagine leaving her overnight, never mind a weekend. However, I’m exclusively breast feeding and have only recently been separated for 1 hour so I could attend a medical appointment, and I was thinking about her the whole time. That may just be me being super clingy to my baby though!

This isn't my experience at all. I had to express on one side for about ten days and would do so whilst my baby was feeding on the other. Both boobs would be comfortably drained to the same extent then next feed I'd use the expressed milk. It was always around 90 mls and I've no reason to believe that that wasn't comparable to what he got directly from the breast.

90mls is oversupply. Most women only express 20ml of milk per feed from both sides - even if baby gets far more than that from the breast they have to work harder for it. Bottle feeding a child 90mls in one go is just asking for them to have a bottle preference. Rubbish advice like this is why I am so glad I paid for professional advice instead of taking anecdotal advice from people on MN.

Babies are biologically programmed to want their mother - it's a survival instinct. Similarly, mothers often get huge surges of bonding hormones that make the thought of being away from their baby anxiety-inducing.

Everyone is different, baby will likely be fine (albeit unsettled) but you might not feel able to leave the baby for so long. I wouldn't commit to anything definitively.

@BoxHedge no I don’t really see many obvious reasons except breastfeeding and we have no idea if the OP plans to do so or not.

Anyway OP I have made my position clear but I agree that you should tentatively agree and decide how you feel closer to the time.

How lovely to hear about a new father wanting to spend time alone with his child!

Crikey, I’d have LEAPT at the chance to leave my 8week olds with their other parent for a weekend of relaxation, fun, & friends. Seriously, I’d have bitten your hand off for it.

But I know friends who still didn’t feel comfortable going out for a meal without their LO’s until they were 2.5yr old (no judgement here. Well, a bit of judgement ).

It’s so individual & can’t be planned before the baby is here as you’ll have no idea how it’s going to pan out until then.

Good luck with it all.

Baby won’t remember and it’s very personal. I wouldn’t have wanted to but wouldn’t criticise others if they did.

It's fine if you want to. The baby won't be traumatised!

I did an all day assessment centre for a job when mine was eight weeks. I felt fat and tired and my boobs were leaking. I'm not sure I would have felt up for a weekend partying. I also missed my baby. I think you need to wait to see how you feel. You might just want to go for an afternoon or something.

I'm camp sister. Babies need their mothers and mothers usually need their babies.

I agree with cinammonbuns - and also you, OP.

It's not a competition between parents and which one is 'better' or 'more important': you're an equal team. It may be that neither of you want to leave the baby, but it sends dads such mixed messages - which then end up putting a great big long-term burden on mums - if you tell them that, as a dad/man, they aren't competent/suitable/appropriate/trustworthy to look after a child and then later criticise them for assuming looking after the children is the woman's job.

Leaving the baby to fend for himself would be a bit harsh, as he's being left with a responsible parent who is looking forward to it I think it is fine. Go and enjoy yourself. I had one of my GC for a few days at this age, mum needed to go to see her mum who was in hospital and then help her get set up at home. The baby was fine.

I wouldn't have wanted to. Wait till the baby is here and see how you feel.

@Ozanj

*This isn't my experience at all. I had to express on one side for about ten days and would do so whilst my baby was feeding on the other. Both boobs would be comfortably drained to the same extent then next feed I'd use the expressed milk. It was always around 90 mls and I've no reason to believe that that wasn't comparable to what he got directly from the breast.*

90mls is oversupply. Most women only express 20ml of milk per feed from both sides - even if baby gets far more than that from the breast they have to work harder for it. Bottle feeding a child 90mls in one go is just asking for them to have a bottle preference. Rubbish advice like this is why I am so glad I paid for professional advice instead of taking anecdotal advice from people on MN.

20ml from each breast?! That's not my experience at all, or my sister's, and neither of us had oversupply or mastitis. I used to get around 90ml at first, raising to 200-300ml per session by 8 weeks (if I missed a feed and needed to express).

20ml would be adequate in the first week maybe, but it goes up dramatically as baby's demands increase, and the extra suckling increases the mother's supply.

Oh, and my baby had a mix of expressed milk and milk directly from the breast - no bottle preference at all, in fact he infinitely preferred the breast.

YANBU they'll be too young to really know what's going on, and will have their dad.

Not our first baby no. With the first we left her overnight at 5 weeks and it was fine. I’ve no committed 100% as obviously can’t account for any complications etc. Not breastfeeding so that’s not an issue.

Where has the 20mls come from?!

I expressed for my baby and could easily get a litre a day, which she would have over maybe 6 feeds.

OP, don't listen to anyone who says it's a bad thing to want to go. It's not.

Baby will not be traumatised at all. You should absolutely go if you are up to it and want to go.

Just make sure that they have properly bonded before you go away as you can't leave the baby with someone s/he isn't attached to. You need to make sure they have lots of time together and he does lots of feeding etc. in the first 8 weeks as well, leading up to it.

If the OP wants to go that's absolutely fine but I don't think it's fair to suggest that at 8 weeks postpartum mums and dads are equal. Obviously breastfeeding is the big one but there's also the physical recovery from birth (I was certainly still massively physically suffering 8 weeks post my first birth and would have struggled with a weekend drinking and/ or on my feet). There's also hormones and the impact on MH. I had postpartum OCD with both of my children and a weekend of putting on a mask would be hard.

Everyone's experience is different but suggesting that it's just as easy as a mum of an 8 week old to go away as their dad js just untrue for many.

Now my children are older it makes no difference.

Oh god as (most) others have said, the baby will be fine.

It needs feeding changing and comforting at that age, all of which dad can do (as long as you're not breastfeeding lol)

It's whether you will want to leave them. I would have, but then I had to leave both of mine in hospital every night for nearly 6 weeks with one and 2 weeks with the other and trust someone else to look after them so a couple of days with their dad wouldn't have bothered me!

@Ozanj what you are saying is complete untrue for an 8 week old baby and would leave babies literally starving. My babies were taking over 1000ml of breastmilk a day at that age- 20ml per feed would have equaled over 50 feeds!
An 8 week old would be taking anything from 500ml to 1200ml of breastmilk a day- mine were at the upper end and gained weight very quickly.

If you want to go and baby is taking a bottle then go and enjoy yourself!

It’s pretty standard for American women to go back to work at 8 weeks and babies either go to daycare or Dad has them for a month whilst they take they paternity leave. Everyone is fine and no one is left traumatised! I left my eldest with DH for a night out at about 6 weeks and overnight with grandparents at 12 weeks. She’s now 4 so I can be pretty certain I haven’t damaged her.

Small babies should be physically close to their mothers at that age. I would not have contemplated leaving mine and I am far from a selfless mother.

I don't think a hens do is a good enough reason personally.

If you need time away for your mental health etc that's one thing but I really don't think it's asking too much of mothers to expect them to prioritise the baby for the first few months at least.

The baby will not be traumatised. I don't think you can know how you'll feel until the baby is here, but nothing wrong with hoping for the best and having something to look forward to. Great your DH is on board. Both mine were ff but I wouldn't have wanted to leave them for more than a couple of hours. Nothing to do with the effect on the baby though - purely me, not wanting to be apart.