To think work will think I'm taking the piss if I have a third baby

[tagisakindrhino]

DH and I are starting to plan for our third.

I was on mat leave for a year in 2018 back for a year in 2019, then mat leave again for a year in 2020.

If all works out I'd potential be on mat leave for 2022/23.

My only reluctance really is work, I feel they will say I'm taking the piss (not as directly as that obvs). But with the first, it's like "fine", second child "well I suppose it's what everyone does", third child "oh for goodness sake!".

I could take less than a year's mat leave, maybe 6 months and share the rest with DH, but I think the guilt of not breastfeeding for a year like I did with the other two would weigh heavy.

Anyway, do you think I'm being unreasonable to think that most employers/managers think like this?

I just don't know how I'd justify apart from it's the size of family DH and I have always wanted.

@tagisakindrhino where do you live that the population is declining? I’d love to live there!

Unless you live in China, they've no say in the size of your family.

OP
You've asked what people might be thinking. Posters have shared what people might be thinking.

It's a pain in the arse when people are in and out of work. That doesn't mean anyone should discriminate and obviously everything should be handled professionally. I remember a management training session I was in when someone said all managers should be equipped with a "congratulations, what lovely news" response even if their brain is thinking "shit, now what are we going to do about A B C".

You shouldn’t hold off trying for another baby if it's what you want to do. Work is just work at the end of the day, but if you want to know what people might think then posters have shared this.

@tagisakindrhino I honestly do not care how many ML you take and yes your colleagues will probably be annoyed but it seems you know that and don’t care. I’m sure they will be annoyed when people take extended sick leave to do it’s all comes out in the wash.

But this is again another AIBU where the OP only wants post that agree with her view and get angry when people don’t. What exactly is the point of the post if you don’t want any disagreements.

Also as a women without children I do get annoyed with the fact every time I go for a job interview it’s clear they are weighing up whether to hire me bagues they expect I will take off years for kids (which I do not plan to do). Planning to dress very gender neutrally in the future to combat this because it is annoying.

I do not think of it as my duty or any women’s duty to have kids. I’d you want to that’s fine but no having children is not a women’s fate destiny. And tbh I do not particularly care about the continued existence of the human race after I’m dead because you know..I’ll be dead.

You can still breastfeed if you want, but sharing your mat leave is such a great experience for your baby, getting to bond with their dad. Also it makes your partner know just how time consuming being a stay at home parent is!! If you can share leave, I would do it in a heartbeat, so many benefits.

Or is your company cheap about salaries, and doesn’t even get cover but just divides your work between remaining colleagues (always terrible and bound to cause office-wide resentment about mat leaves; this then plays the whole office against you even though they should blame the company)

I had one employer like this. They were fine with a third maternity leave, the rest of the office was “What again? Is this for real?”, particularly those who didn’t have children. I wouldn’t think twice from your employer’s perspective but it can be really hard on colleagues.

People should stop saying there is nothing the company can do.

There is nothing they can 'legally' do.

Look at the website Pregnant then Screwed.

“Society” may benefit in the long run

@NotPersephone does the fact that you placed 'society' in quotes mean you're of the 'there is no such thing as...' school of thought? Just curious.

[quote cinammonbuns]@tagisakindrhino where do you live that the population is declining? I’d love to live there![/quote]
Here. The birth rate has fallen every year for at least a decade.

From my experience with having two dcs relatively close together, you might want to plan that your employer will suddenly need to reorganise the department and will make you redundant…..

As a matter of interest if somebody has been in a job for say five years and three of these have been on maternity leave could they say they have five years experience in that role.

@NotPersephone yes. Thankfully someone with some bloody sense.

@DolphinFC

People should stop saying there is nothing the company can do.

There is nothing they can 'legally' do.

Look at the website Pregnant then Screwed.

I think this is the problem. It’s not just about what’s legal. Op has now mentioned her company hires generous and competent mat cover, but it’s her line manager who is not just anti mat leaves but rather anti family, to all the women with children in department (another three besides OP). Can she be fired? No. Can he attempt to make it an incredibly toxic working environment for her from the announcement of third pregnancy and after her return? Yes, unfortunately. Which is why I recommended she, and maybe even the other women (and if they start having men with families in the department then of course, them as well) in the department, start recording any problems with him before this all blows up.

I'd feel awkward announcing having a third so soon if I were in your shoes, BUT it still wouldn't stop me. You work to live, not the other way around. Don't let work dictate what you do with your life.

The mat cover who covered my role was fantastic, and she's now gone on to a great job somewhere else. She got a leg up in a role that she may not have got had it been permanent (because there would have been more competition)

For those banging on about your absence record - what about serial job hoppers? My LinkedIn is full of ex- colleagues who change job every 8 months. At least you know where you are with mat leave, you can plan for it well in advance and you'll (usually) get a committed member of staff back at the end.

If your mat leave was going to negatively impact your colleagues I would maybe reconsider my timing, but it won't. All it will do is rile a line-manager who clearly doesn't like women much.

Crack on OP!

Work? Who cares.

World? Mmm

@Blossomtoes

Here being the U.K.? Maybe birth rates are falling but population is still net positive.

There's bugger all they can do about so crack on.

Tbh it might affect your career if you want to stay with the same employer - not saying it should, just being realistic and you will probably have an equal mix of colleagues who don't bat and eyelid an those who will eyeroll behind your back.

None of it is really a good reason for having the family you want.

Not only all the above but you are producing the workforce of the future- necessary for business of the future. Needs to be done so don’t give it another thought

They’ll probably be really pissed, but they’ll just have to get on with it. It’s up to you really.

I know someone whose just had her 6th kid, they technically have a job but I think she's only been back for about a couple of months max between each child.

Don't give it a second thought.

Does anybody see the connection between so many people saying employers will just have to suck it up and so many employers not appointing women to.key roles?

Yeah they’ll probably hate you for it but they won’t say anything and they can’t do anything, so sod it. You can’t not have a child you want because of being fearful your bosses will be a bit annoyed behind closed doors.