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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think work will think I'm taking the piss if I have a third baby

162 replies

tagisakindrhino · 21/07/2021 14:34

DH and I are starting to plan for our third.

I was on mat leave for a year in 2018 back for a year in 2019, then mat leave again for a year in 2020.

If all works out I'd potential be on mat leave for 2022/23.

My only reluctance really is work, I feel they will say I'm taking the piss (not as directly as that obvs). But with the first, it's like "fine", second child "well I suppose it's what everyone does", third child "oh for goodness sake!".

I could take less than a year's mat leave, maybe 6 months and share the rest with DH, but I think the guilt of not breastfeeding for a year like I did with the other two would weigh heavy.

Anyway, do you think I'm being unreasonable to think that most employers/managers think like this?

I just don't know how I'd justify apart from it's the size of family DH and I have always wanted.

OP posts:
OnMatLeave · 21/07/2021 16:44

Okay, my NC worked! I think previous posts could potentially make who I am obvious to colleagues if they're on MN.

I'm currently on mat leave after returning to work for a little more than 2 months after my first mat leave (both for 1 year). We also want a third and I'd have no qualms about returning to work pregnant again if I'm honest, but I want to give myself a break and maybe add more to savings before doing it again.
Each time they have hired cover for me, and it hasn't been a problem. I wouldn't have an issue with it as a manager, it's why we have a parental leave policy, and we can usually recruit cover, if needed, in good time. It also won't be forever, your periods of leave may be close together, but after 3, if you decide you're finished, you most likely won't have any more substantial periods of absence.

My employer is great and I work hard for them, they're eager for me to return after my leave and I'm glad as I will, but equally I won't put my life on hold for them.

EishetChayil · 21/07/2021 16:52

Do it. You owe your employer nothing outside of the legal contractual obligations.

Narwhalsh · 21/07/2021 16:52

As others have said going back to work doesn’t mean you have to quit bf (I went back after 6mo and my DH used 6mo shared parental leave and fed way past a year).

Would your partner be interested in shared parental leave? My DH found it hugely rewarding. I’m pg with DC3 and will be returning to work after 3mo with DH taking the remaining time

JassyRadlett · 21/07/2021 16:55

On the breastfeeding point. I just cannot seem to pump enough milk, I never got more than an ounce in 30mins of pumping, in 12 weeks of trying.

I couldn’t really when I was at home and breastfeeding - totally different when I was back at work and not feeding during the day. And even if it doesn’t work, you can BF morning and evening, with formula during the day.

NotPersephone · 21/07/2021 17:05

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Viviennemary · 21/07/2021 17:11

Of course they will think that. But if you're happy then by all means go ahead. I think maternity benefits should be restricted to 2 children.

FabianK · 21/07/2021 17:15

In all honesty, as someone who recruits It would affect the working relationship and would probably lead to finding way to manage you out.

But then it’s your family, so do you want but don’t expect it not to have any consequences on your career

You’ve barely worked in the last few years!

mistermagpie · 21/07/2021 17:16

Who cares, really?

I had a year in 2015, then I was back for about 9 months before taking another years may leave. Then I was back for about 18 months before I went off again. Everyone was delighted for me, at least to my face, and I try not to concern myself with what people say behind my back.

It hasn't really affected my job but I came back during lockdown and that was a bit tricky.

You get one life, don't sacrifice something massive that you want in yours because some random manager might not be that keen on the idea.

Original poster
tagisakindrhino · 21/07/2021 17:18

@NotPersephone I've worked 6 years out of the 8 that I've been there, and they offer 12 months maternity leave.

It's hardly a dramatic absence record. And if I were to spend my whole working life at the company it would be 2 (or 3) years in approx. 45-50 years of work.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/07/2021 17:19

Op you’re being a bit disingenuous. It’s not 3 years in fifty to your company, it’s three years in five. And it’s not your managers job to care about your child care issues. Your personal life belongs at home

However as said you can’t make decisions like how many kids to have because your company will be pissed off you’re off again. And most employers would be pissed off. Doesn’t mean you change your mind or they can break the law. Just means it’s a ball ache.

NotPersephone · 21/07/2021 17:25

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Original poster
tagisakindrhino · 21/07/2021 17:32

@NotPersephone so what is the solution? What should I be doing that you think would be most productive?

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 21/07/2021 17:33

@thecognoscenti

They will, but there's not a great deal they can do about it. It's probably not very much fun for your colleagues if they're having to cover your work. And not good for the environment. But if you want three then have three.
Surely they'll get mat cover and won't expect the other staff to pick up the work load?
NotPersephone · 21/07/2021 17:36

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gogohm · 21/07/2021 17:37

From a legal perspective of course you can have as many children as you want but if I was your employer or colleague I would be seriously pissed off to be honest, it costs employers lots of money in temps (they cost more than permanent employees), disruption to business etc. I'm just being honest. Plus with 3 kids can you really cope with sickness, school drops etc and working? Hard enough with 2.

As I said legally not an issue but I have 2 and it was hard, plus one was diagnosed with autism just shy of 3 when her sister was a baby

pleasedonttextmyman · 21/07/2021 17:38

@FabianK

In all honesty, as someone who recruits It would affect the working relationship and would probably lead to finding way to manage you out.

But then it’s your family, so do you want but don’t expect it not to have any consequences on your career

You’ve barely worked in the last few years!

Maternity leave or not, you are still an employee. No gap on your CV as such.

Then if needed, you move on.

That's life. Give a month or 2 after you come back, and it will be like you never left anyway.

Anyone who sacrifice their personal life for a simple job is ... naive and will be thoroughly disappointed.

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2021 17:42

Anyone who sacrifice their personal life for a simple job is ... naive and will be thoroughly disappointed.

Totally agree, but it would be naive to think your employer isn’t going to be pissed at three pregnancies so close together and a full year off each time. Yes it’s legal entitlement, yes they have to do it snd cover once again, but pretending it isn’t a total ball ache for them is silly.

gogohm · 21/07/2021 17:42

@tagisakindrhino

But so far your have been absent for 25% of the time you worked there. You may stay for 25 more years but they have no way of knowing that. Rather than worrying about maternity leave, I would suggest thinking can you balance your job with 3 young children once leave is over? It's very hard, I couldn't manage full time

RaginaPhalange · 21/07/2021 17:43

If that's what you want then have a third. They will probably think that but there's nothing they can do.

MrMeSeeks · 21/07/2021 17:46

I do sort of agree with others.
It is really hard on colleagues when others repeatedly go on ML, especially in such quick secession.
It does feel a bit of a piss take.

igelkott2021 · 21/07/2021 17:49

@Viviennemary

Of course they will think that. But if you're happy then by all means go ahead. I think maternity benefits should be restricted to 2 children.
Yes.

But also agree that your employer wouldn't think twice about dropping you in the sh*t. So do what is right for you.

RightYesButNo · 21/07/2021 17:54

This is a bit funny and NOT in a “haha” way. So many times when OPs come on here with various problems, people end up saying, “It sounds like you actually have a DH problem.” Well, in this case, it sounds like you have a DLM problem (a dear, well not so dear, line manager problem). As you say, you’ve worked at your company 6 of the last 8 years so you weren’t a new employee. The other employees in your department also are women who have had children so they probably understand. The company hires maternity cover so your coworkers don’t have to do your work. So it’s really your line manager that sounds like he would not only feel you were taking the piss but also hates anything having to do with family and children (rolling eyes, doesn’t want to hear it, etc). I would say this isn’t just about mat leave then. Be careful, and keep records about the way he negatively treats employee family commitments, if you feel you need to, as right now he might seem annoying, but this could turn into a problem that needs HR.

Original poster
tagisakindrhino · 21/07/2021 17:57

@NotPersephone

Two of my colleagues also have two children each in quick succession (one returned from mat leave pregnant). So they really don't have a problem and would probably be very excited and supportive.

And the company offer one year maternity leave and mat leave cover. As well as shared parental leave. So they aren't really a problem either.

The main problem is my line manager (and people like you) who don't really have solution to the fact that the human race continues because women get pregnant, but women are made to feel like crap for needing the time to have the baby, recover, bond etc etc. And aren't instantly contributing to the economy - when actually we are producing the next generation of workers!

Instead I should be not having children? Or just having two because of the population (which is actually declining quite dramatically). Or trying to time the perfect gap so that it has minimal impact on everyone else - like that's how conception works!

OP posts:
Original poster
tagisakindrhino · 21/07/2021 18:00

@RightYesButNo

This is a bit funny and NOT in a “haha” way. So many times when OPs come on here with various problems, people end up saying, “It sounds like you actually have a DH problem.” Well, in this case, it sounds like you have a DLM problem (a dear, well not so dear, line manager problem). As you say, you’ve worked at your company 6 of the last 8 years so you weren’t a new employee. The other employees in your department also are women who have had children so they probably understand. The company hires maternity cover so your coworkers don’t have to do your work. So it’s really your line manager that sounds like he would not only feel you were taking the piss but also hates anything having to do with family and children (rolling eyes, doesn’t want to hear it, etc). I would say this isn’t just about mat leave then. Be careful, and keep records about the way he negatively treats employee family commitments, if you feel you need to, as right now he might seem annoying, but this could turn into a problem that needs HR.
That's a really good point. Yes I will do.
OP posts:
pleasedonttextmyman · 21/07/2021 18:00

You cannot realistically accuse an employee to have children just to "take the piss", or to have a long holiday. It's not that common to get a full maternity leave pay, many places stick to the legal rate for a start. (not saying they could afford to pay full salary for 6 to 12 months anyway, it's not a criticism, but merely a fact).

So the woman on maternity leave gets a few weeks pay, and then statutory which is next to nothing.

Of course it's not "convenient", but it's planned, the business has plenty time to find a maternity cover, and again, you don't plan your own life around a job.