To think work will think I'm taking the piss if I have a third baby

[tagisakindrhino]

DH and I are starting to plan for our third.

I was on mat leave for a year in 2018 back for a year in 2019, then mat leave again for a year in 2020.

If all works out I'd potential be on mat leave for 2022/23.

My only reluctance really is work, I feel they will say I'm taking the piss (not as directly as that obvs). But with the first, it's like "fine", second child "well I suppose it's what everyone does", third child "oh for goodness sake!".

I could take less than a year's mat leave, maybe 6 months and share the rest with DH, but I think the guilt of not breastfeeding for a year like I did with the other two would weigh heavy.

Anyway, do you think I'm being unreasonable to think that most employers/managers think like this?

I just don't know how I'd justify apart from it's the size of family DH and I have always wanted.

Err no reproductive decisions by staff members are not the employer's business! If you're an employer, you have to comply with employment law, including that surrounding maternity/paternity leave. It's part of the deal.

It depends what your role is and how big the company is too. A huge one with hundreds of employees and you're admin - not such a problem. A small one where you're one of only three technical sales reps - much bigger problem for the company. They can't do anything about it but are likely to look less favourably on employing women of child bearing age in the future.

No one will think any more of you in the long term if you don't take maternity leave.

Think of the extra year in the grand scheme of your career, god knows when we will be able to retire. Go for it, you will only regret it if you don’t .

Have the family you want, and work can suck it up.

I remember when I told my boss I was pregnant with my second (born 21 months after my first), he went "oh no"!

I'm a boss now and it's a bit of a pain if someone takes 2 mat leaves very close together, but in the general scheme of things, time passes quickly and it's better to keep a good employee who'll come back and work again in the future. (and of course it's the law).

I don't think it should factor into your decision on whether to have a third kid (and to be honest it's easier to cover a year than 6 months where I've worked) but going back to work doesn't mean stopping breastfeeding - I shared the parental leave with both my kids (highly recommend for the benefits to the whole family) and kept breastfeeding until 19/20 months with the kids - I fed morning, night and for the first few months expressed at work so DH could give bottles.

Businesses consider this when they choose to employ women of child-bearing age - don't worry about it.
Some businesses, particularly in the care sector, employ mainly women, many of them with kids...they maybe don't like the inconvenience of maternity leave, cover for child sickness etc but they sure as hell don't get many men queueing up for the work at the wages those sectors pay.

Yes they will think that, but who cares? You should consider your own best interests

As others have said, they don’t give you a second thought when deciding their own future strategies, so crack on.

So I felt guilty when I went on mat leave with both my two kids as i'd only joined the company about a year beforehand (and waited for the full mat pay to kick in!).

It was my lovely ex-boss who made me feel better, even though it was him I was inconveniencing. He said that i have to think about it, not at a personal/company level, but at a society level.

Whatever any individual colleague or company may think, the country we live in (and most of the western world ) has decided that it is for the overall benefit of society to keep paying women to have babies as it helps keep women in employment, therefore increasing productivity (and for companies, it stops them losing talent). The babies that we have will then grow up to become economically productive themselves and pay for the current working population to enjoy long and fruitful some form of retirement.

Yes, mat leave is expensive and can be v challenging for small businesses*, but the net benefit to society overall is greater than the cost.

*though I suspect on balance, the cost of mat leave is less than it would cost employers if all those well-trained, experienced women left the workplace when they had babies, never to return.

I was made redundant earlier this year after winning awards for them. This has made me realise that they would get rid of people as soon as they can, and are only out for themselves. I now have a different outlook on work and show no loyalty. Just go and have your third baby and fuck what they think.

You can't make major life decisions on the basis of what people at work might think ffs. If you resigned tomorrow and left they will carry on and won't give you a second thought. Just be aware of your work rights. Take advantage of them as needed and if you want to have a third baby, have one.

This.

They do think that but who cares?

They will think you are taking the Mickey. We've had women having one baby and returning already pregnant often repeatedly.

It is a bit of a piss take when it gets to number 3 and beyond, but ultimately your choice.

Well, yes, 3 kids and so close together is an unusual choice, but it’s totally your right to make that choice so do what you want

I would be prepared for work to be a bit nervous that you don’t actually intend to return. Multiple young children often results in families making a decision for one parent to stay home or massively scale back work and most of the time that ends up being the woman.

You can be made redundant tomorrow.
The business might be sold, management might change, your colleagues all finding a better job tomorrow too.

it's only work.

Being professional, efficient and having a good attitude is fine. Planning your own life around something you have no input or no say? it's not worth it.

You don't have to justify anything.

Mat cover is non-existent outside of (some) public sector roles,

completely and utterly untrue.

You just have to look at job adds to see how many "maternity cover contracts" there are.

Yes, it's irritating and it has a cost for small businesses, but that doesn't mean anyone should put their life on hold either.

Your company will.probably very quietly and unconsciously try to avoid placing women in key jobs.

As others have said it doesn't matter - make your own choices.

It is a consequence of many people deferring parenthood while they build there career, that they lose the luxury of having large gaps between children. The "cost" of your mat leaves to employers is the same whether there was no gap or a gap of 2 or 3 years in between.

It isn't remotely a "piss take"

@NotPersephone

“Society” may benefit in the long run, but the poor fucker who’s been doing the OP’s work for the last 3 years gets the sharp end here. Mat cover is non-existent outside of (some) public sector roles, the people most inconvenienced are the people - also often women - who pick up all the slack for no extra pay.

I’m afraid this is a “you can but you really shouldn’t unless you’re a bit of a selfish prick” scenario for me.

Why not resign and let them recruit someone who will show up and do the role for more than a few months at a time?

Mat cover is very much existent in the private sector. It's a cost that a good company should factor into its overheads (on the basis that if you employ people, there is a more than 25% chance you'll employ a woman of child bearing age). If you have been working at companies where there is none, may I suggest you change companies to work for organisations which are better managed? Though with your attitude, you may find yourself having to do some extra D&I training.

You presumably have a long long potential working life, what’s 3 years away across a 50 year working span?
And unless you’re in a tiny company, they won’t have the same loyalty to you as you do to them.
If it negatively impacts on your colleagues that isn’t your fault - if that’s the case your employer needs to manage extended periods of leave and people’s workloads better.