To think work will think I'm taking the piss if I have a third baby

[tagisakindrhino]

DH and I are starting to plan for our third.

I was on mat leave for a year in 2018 back for a year in 2019, then mat leave again for a year in 2020.

If all works out I'd potential be on mat leave for 2022/23.

My only reluctance really is work, I feel they will say I'm taking the piss (not as directly as that obvs). But with the first, it's like "fine", second child "well I suppose it's what everyone does", third child "oh for goodness sake!".

I could take less than a year's mat leave, maybe 6 months and share the rest with DH, but I think the guilt of not breastfeeding for a year like I did with the other two would weigh heavy.

Anyway, do you think I'm being unreasonable to think that most employers/managers think like this?

I just don't know how I'd justify apart from it's the size of family DH and I have always wanted.

You can’t do anything without someone being pissed off.

Have kids in work, it’s a “piss take” and you’re a “selfish prick” for not considering your colleagues and work in your family life.

Quit work, and have kids and be a SAHP until your kids are all in school / childcare, you’re a lazy fuck, doing it for the benefits, not being a good role model, leaving yourself financially vulnerable.

Don’t have kids, you’re not a real woman, you’ll regret it blah blah fucking blah.

Do what you want to do! You can’t live your life based on others judgements.

You sound lovely OP and I think you're doing the right thing by considering the company and the impact it will have. It's all very well for the PPs here saying 'sod it, it's only work' but the fact of the matter is that unless the entire company is operated by robots, repeated periods of mat leave close together put colleagues and managers under an awful lot of strain.

The long and short of it is that your employer is likely to feel pretty deflated by the situation but you have to go with your gut feeling and have no regrets on any level.
Perhaps facing it head-on with your manager by acknowledging that you know it's going to cause problems and that you'll do what you can to prepare for your time out to make life easier for them would go a long way to limit any ill feeling.

Is your work a career where their thinking you are taking the piss could mean fewer opportunities in the future? If so, perhaps consider changing employer before taking maternity again, but only if yo really think they’ll sideline you. If you’ve had two already and they’ve been good employers about it, I would guess they’ll be good with the third too. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be too concerned just now. Wait and see how it goes and if they seem poorly disposed, look for another job at that point.

I’d like to tell you not to worry about it at all but I think lots of managers do see it as a burden and the legislation only does so much to protect you.

@user1471538283 and so what, anyone could have health problems requiring multiple surgeries several months apart, should they not be allowed to work? So why does it make a difference that their absence reason is pregnancy? It’s an employers responsibility to be realistic about workloads and plans adequate cover.

[quote SBAM]@user1471538283 and so what, anyone could have health problems requiring multiple surgeries several months apart, should they not be allowed to work? So why does it make a difference that their absence reason is pregnancy? It’s an employers responsibility to be realistic about workloads and plans adequate cover.[/quote]
With the best will in the world, no employer can plan for someone taking 3 out of 5 years off. Business plans, contingency planning, growth planning would fly out of the window if a company considered that every employee had the potential to do this. It's just not feasible.

What they think is irrelevant. However what matters are your career goals really. If you are career minded, this will set you back massively and it'll probably take almost decade to make up for 3 years of mat leave. However, given you've taken 2 full years of mat leave already I'm guessing it's more of an admin job with not too much short term progression to consider. Which is fine of course but this is something women do have to think about.

Just have a slightly bigger gap then!

If a company can't figure out how to function with women being off for maternity, then c'est la vie I'm afraid. That's how business works.

OP don't feel bad, it's what you're legally entitled to. Having three children is hardly in the realms of crazy, unexpected behaviour!

They may well be annoyed, but I don’t think it should be a factor in your decision making.

Doesn't matter how progressive or caring or otherwise your employer is, ultimately you are just a number. They would not think twice about making you redundant if it suited their business strategy/reorganisation.

If you decide not to have a 3rd just for this reason alone, you might regret it in the future if the business makes you redundant or whatever. Don't let it influence your family planning.

I've been at my current job for 4 weeks now and I'm due in November. I felt bad but actually they've been great and accommodating. Work places have to be. The law is on your side.

Get baby making!

Do it. I was off Nov 17-Sept 18, Mar 2020-Apr 2021 and might be off Mar 2022-Feb 2023. How my employer feels is actually really affecting my decision about whether to continue with my current pregnancy :(

Do you think your work would consider your feelings if they made you redundant?

This.

1

Don’t overthink this. Your kids will probably be paying their pensions! I rationalised mat leave on the basis that I had contributed more than my fair share for over 10 years. Depends on your maternity package but you’ll likely only get paid about 6 months’ pay which is peanuts for most companies. And your family is more important.

Oh wow, thanks for all the responses, and perspective!

The work does not get distributed around existing team members. They hire mat leave covers, both of the women who covered me were great and both went on to the next grade at other companies.

I can just sense that my line manager (a man, with no children) gets frustrated that his team (1 man no kids and 3 women with kids, including myself) mention child related issues.

For example, we have all been able to work from home (but my colleagues DHs haven't) so when children are ill it tends to fall to them to be the ones to juggle work and care. DH and I both work from home so can share that burden more easily.

But I can just tell my line manager doesn't give a shit about anything child related, and if he could would roll his eyes at it all. But I can't really make a massive life decision based on whether it annoys someone, or not - that point has helped massively.

And also what is 3 years in 50 years of potentially working? I will be returning full time, and as it's my last would definitely be in career building mode (I am now tbh despite the prospect of a third).

On the breastfeeding point. I just cannot seem to pump enough milk, I never got more than an ounce in 30mins of pumping, in 12 weeks of trying.

Why not resign and let them recruit someone who will show up and do the role for more than a few months at a time?

As an employer, I'd much rather a valued employee took mat leave I could plan around, than left me to recruit, train and manage a newbie who might not work out/be as productive/loyal.

Work don’t own you.

Anything could happen. You could be off for other reasons.

That’s the reality of women having babies 🤷🏻‍♀️

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

Fuck em. Have another one.

If it was men that had babies it would be oh, so different.

It would. It's also why I think paternity leave of at least 3 months of the 12 months should be mandatory.

But I can just tell my line manager doesn't give a shit about anything child related, and if he could would roll his eyes at it all

which is absolutely fair enough, he doesn't have to, but so what?

A gay man can decide to take a year off adoption leave.
A child-free single career woman can decide to take a sabbatical and go travelling.
A married father can lose his SAH partner of illness or accident.
Another one might decide to barely do the minimum while retraining and studying for something completely different.

It's great to be dedicated to your job, but it's not your real life and everybody around you can suddenly change path.

It sounds like you're in a team where some if your team are suffering from "very important husband-itis" where their workplace regularly has to give give it comes to childcare issues because their husbands are apparently far too busy or important to trouble themselves with domestic life. That might be what's behind your manager's frustration on family matters. If my workplace is anything to go by the mums at work are usually very productive during the day, leave on time and are the ones off when the children are unwell, meanwhile men in exactly the same job seem to muddle along during the day, stay late having a coffee with their colleagues and rarely take time off for the kids. I always find it interesting given given many women insist their husband is so busy at work and always has to work late.

You can't put your family plans on hold based on whether it will annoy your manager though. Work comes second to family life.

I did exactly this and it was fine, pay it no mind. If you are back for at least a year in between 1 year mat leaves you are nowhere near piss-taking territory imo.

Going back pregnant is a different matter and I personally wouldn't have wanted to do that, but shit happens of course!

Ignore this, just testing name change before I post properly as haven't done it before.