AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

[ViceLikeBlip]

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

I probably would have checked and not assume personally, that's where he was wrong, I would have asked who was taking the 5 yo,

but you are BU too.
I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". You are the one who forgot about him..

If you want both kids pick up, you mention both kids. Your DH can't guess that you cancelled the original pick-up.

So both BU.

Dh would check to see if the 5 year old needed picking up too. That's part of the reason I married him. Dh has a demanding job but would still find time to text to ask.

In your DH's shoes I would have asked for clarification about the other child. But then TBH I would have clarified if I was in your shoes too... I suppose people are used to women micro-managing everything. A bit of blame on both sides I think. You should have given the full picture, and he should have thought to ask about his 5 year old.

But they are far more likely to be upset by his/her DF shouting at their mother than being picked up a bit late though so I hope he's calmed down.

Reading this thread is infuriating. Why should OP have had to point it out? Does he not have a brain of his own and the wit to use it? If I had been in the DH's shoes, I'd have actively checked what was happening with the 5yo instead of doing the absolute bare minimum, because that's surely just part of being a responsible parent. It would have gone 'need someone to pick up 10yo.' 'I'll do it. Is the 5yo sorted?' But evidently OP needs to do the adult thinking for her DH too...

My ex was very bad for this and has forgotten our one and only child on a few occasions so I may be projecting just a bit but it was bloody infuriating to be the only person capable of e.g. checking what else we might need if someone was popping to the shops for milk to save another trip. And yes I do still worry about DS when he's with his dad, in case he gets forgotten and there's no one else there to remind ExH!

Based on your messages I’d agree with your husband. I wouldn’t be angry but you implied it was just the 10 year old being picked up.

[quote Rheia1983]@rishisboater Why is your husband yelling at you though? If he started yelling at you after realising one child was left behind, I'd consider that reaction unreasonable. Mistakes happen.

However, if you had a go at him and started yelling at him first, then I'd consider you to be the one acting unreasonably.[/quote]
It's not my husband haha I avoid husbands at all costs. I'm my experience they are neither use nor ornament

What I dont really understand is why you left it that late to sort someone to pick up your DC? Presumably you knew when you sent them to school this would be an issue (as did you dh)

What did your husband say in the morning when you told him you and the 8yo were isolating? How did he think the DC were getting to and from school? How did you even get them to school?

What happened to the 5yo? When a parent was 20 minutes late to pick up the 5yo why did the school not think, hang on this child has a sibling in yeat 5, let's put them together? How long did the school wait before contacting a parent to ask where the fuck they were?

From what you've said, I can see why your DH only picked up one DC. From that message I'd assume either the 5yo was at home with you (sent home sick etc) already or on a playdate or something. But there's a lot of questions left unanswered, what did your DH already know about the situation? The whole thing is really bizarre tbh

This is on you. Reading your message, I would also have thought I’m only picking one child.
It would have been best for both of you to clarify though but before texting to cancel the person picking up the 5yo, it should have occurred to you to make your husband aware he’s picking both kids

What I would have expected to happen is your husband say whenever he found out the 8yo had to isolate, 'I will pick both DC up from school' or something like that. Its just odd

I completely get why so many agree with you but my husband would do the same as yours. I literally have to give him instructions on every step of a task whereas if I asked a friend the same they would think the same way as me and you.

@IHateFlies

Why would he not ask if he needed to pick up 5 yr old too? I bet all of you agreeing with dh would have at least enquires about 5 yr old if you’d all been in this situation.

Nope. My DP is an adult who is capable of giving me full information when something in is needed. I don’t have to micromanage him. If he says ‘do X’ I do X. Also as someone else mentioned - he was in the middle of work. When I’m at work I’m actually working and don’t have time to guess at someone’s intentions (even in my day job in the exact same situation if someone communicates as poorly it’s on them. I’m too busy to mind read). I suppose a lot of women here would have checked because they think their DP would forget? Or they just want to know? I’m not like that. I do my part and DP does his. I don’t need to know everything

Or even, I'll see if I can leave work early. Why was the child's father not a consideration for a person who could pick them up from school when he clearly could?

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids.

But he didn’t offer to do school run - he offered to pick up 10 year old as a result of your interaction. And “will you go straight to school” is not a way of checking he knew to pick up other child - in fact I’m not sure why you even asked that!

YABU but then you already know that 🤪

Hmmm I don’t think you are being unreasonable. He should have checked you wanted one or two being collected.

Fwiw my dad offered to take me to school - he drove me straight past the school and wondered why I was still in the car once he got to the train station. Apparently me saying he needed to stop before I got out, was not being helpful….. so it might be a man thing..

I'm a little on the fence. I think its both your faults the 5YO was forgotten.

Your message implies its just the 10yo he needs to collect and that the 5yo is sorted.

However, if I was messaging OH and he said he would do school run, I'd just message back something along the lines of 'great, I'll let Angela know she doesn't need to collect 5yo after all'

But at the same time, If roles were reversed and I had received that initial message from OH and I had responded with I can do the school run, I'd have also added something along the lines of 'is 5yo sorted or do you need me to get them also'.

So you're both at fault.
Simple miscommunication and failure to double check from both of you.

I can totally understand why an argument ensued when he arrived home without the little one. Both of you felt guilty and neither wants to think they are the parent who forgot to pick up their kid

Just apologise and say you panicked. He probably did the same.

Poor communication from both of you, one of you should have clarified. But he is being an arse to be angry with you, as it was just a misunderstanding.

You said ‘I’m looking for someone to pick the 10yr old up’ so I can see why he thought younger child didn’t need picking up. But my OH would have said ‘oh is 5 yr old going on play date’ or whatever and then obviously it would have been made clear that he needed to pick both up. Bad communication I think. Presumably both kids are home safe so not worth falling out over.

My OH could do anything at the moment though, it’s too fucking hot so I don’t have the energy to argue. 🥵

@CastawayQueen so you wouldn’t even ask ‘oh what’s 5 yr old up to then?’

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE FIVE YEAR OLD?????

He has grown up and now has kids of his own while OP and her H are still arguing.

@Cavagirl

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE FIVE YEAR OLD??????

SHIIIIT! I've been so busy arguing with strangers on the internet, I also completely forgot he existed for a minute there. Meh, it's late now, not much point going back for him.

Did he already know you had someone to pick up the 5 year old? And if so, did you tell him you had cancelled it with your friend?

SHIIIIT! I've been so busy arguing with strangers on the internet, I also completely forgot he existed for a minute there. Meh, it's late now, not much point going back for him.

I agree. It’s too hot to move, 5 yr old will be fine at school overnight. 🤣

@Wineandroses3

He went to the school where both of his children go and it didn’t even cross his mind to check his younger child was being picked up? If you had arranged for someone else to pick 5yr old up then common sense would say that you would have told him that. If he was going to the school anyway what logic would there be in you arranging for another person to pick up 5 year old when their DAD is already at the school! This sounds like something that would happen to me, I think he’s 💯 wrong and OP has not been the unreasonable one.

Yes! Exactly this! Thank you!

Did he know you'd made arrangements for the 5 year old? If so, he's entirely reasonable to pick up one child. If not, he should have checked with you but you can't be too angry with him because your message wasn't clear in the first place.

Miscommunication, one of those things that just need sorted and you laugh about not look for someone to blame!