AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

[ViceLikeBlip]

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

Ps even though I'm massively outnumbered here, I'm still not sure I can quite bring myself to apologise to him though 🤣🤣 Maybe if he stops yelling at me I might think about it......

50/50. You only mentioned the older child but I think it’s extremely odd that he didn’t ask was happening with the 5 yr old.

But then you didn’t clarify either. So both of you were in the wrong.

I'm getting the sense that you don't admit to mistakes much, do you?
Is that why he is so angry at you? Because you will not admit when you are wrong?

You seem to have set days of when you pick the kids up. Today was not his day so he isn't involved in the arrangement. You only mentioned the 10 year old needed picked up, and he said he would do it. As far as he knew, you had other plans for the 5 year old. You cancelled those plans without telling him, you didn't say "will you go straight to school in time for the younger one to?" Or anything even close to that. You just cancelled the plan and didn't tell him. This is your fault.

Here we go, it’s another one of these

AIBU
Yes
NO I’M NOT

deleted as “outing” soon…

From his perspective you did say the 5YO was sorted and only the 10YO needed collecting, then never said otherwise. And you didn’t tell him you’d cancelled the other arrangement. From your perspective if he was available for the school run then he was available for the school run so why would you need a friend to pick up the younger one so I see where you’re coming from. But for all he knew the 5YO could have had a play date so sorry but it is your fault. I also think it’s hot and it’s stressful with an isolating child. This will soon be one of those funny family stories! Let it go.

@ViceLikeBlip

Ps even though I'm massively outnumbered here, I'm still not sure I can quite bring myself to apologise to him though 🤣🤣 Maybe if he stops yelling at me I might think about it......

You don't have to apologise to him if he has reacted disproportionately, even though you were in the wrong!

@BillMasen

Here we go, it’s another one of these

AIBU
Yes
NO I’M NOT

deleted as “outing” soon…

What does "deleted as outing" mean? And should I do it?!

I dont think your message was clear.

I'm with you op.

I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school

This is completely on you! Especially as you’d presumably have said ‘I’m looking for someone to pick up Tom from school’ and not ‘the kids’. It’s a weird message if you meant for him to know you needed him to pick them both of them, he’d have expected you to say ‘the kids’ wouldn’t be, so the fact you specifically didn’t presumably means you just needed him to get the older one.

You only mentioned the 10 year old needed picked up, and he said he would do it. As far as he knew, you had other plans for the 5 year old.

Undeniably true but it’s odd to me that he didn’t ask about the 5 yr old? If someone else was picking up as a favour, you’d want to step in and save them the trouble, especially if you’re going to the school anyway.

I agree with you. Why didn’t he ask about 5 year old? That’s really weird. Even if you had made other plans, he should have checked, in case someone was going out of their way to get the 5 year old for you. When he could do it.

@Wearywithteens

I’m with you OP - why does a man need it organised, spelled out and written in a set of instructions before they’re at fault? And if it isn’t, it’s the woman’s fault? He said he’d do the school run, he should’ve sodding well checked if he wasn’t clear what that meant. Not your fault. But then everything is a woman’s fault when a man cocks up - and plenty of people willing to pile on and blame you too. YANBU

I mean, you're literally the only one person who agrees with me out of seemingly a hundred million people who don't, but still this is surprisingly gratifying- thank you!

YABVU I was with you until i read your whole post. It wasn’t clear he was expected to get both children when you only mentioned one needed picking up

If that was my dh I know he would take that as only needing to pick up one child. I would think it was definitely my responsibility in that instance to clarify could he please pick up both then.

Your message is very clearly only referring to one child and it is therefore on you to confirm that he will in fact pick up both especially as they don’t finish at the same time. And you are being very defensive about it which makes me think that deep down you know that too.

@Wearywithteens

I’m with you OP - why does a man need it organised, spelled out and written in a set of instructions before they’re at fault? And if it isn’t, it’s the woman’s fault? He said he’d do the school run, he should’ve sodding well checked if he wasn’t clear what that meant. Not your fault. But then everything is a woman’s fault when a man cocks up - and plenty of people willing to pile on and blame you too. YANBU

Eh? She literally said "I'm looking for someone to pick up the 10yo"

I'm usually all for blaming men as much as possible, but she specifically asked him to pick up the 10yo. If she'd asked him to do the school run he'd have been an idiot for needing it spelt out that she meant both. But she DID spell out what she wanted him to do. Wrongly.

@ViceLikeBlip they're being mean. Often when a poster gets tons of YABU they get the thread deleted.

I think you've been very gracious

You said you were struggling t find someone to pick up the 10year old. He offered. I think it was perfectly reasonable, seeing as there's a 20 m minute gap between pick ups, that he therefore assumed you still had a plan for the 5 year old.

In a situation of ambiguity, the person who made the arrangement, chose the wording, changed plans etc is the one who must shoulder responsibility.

So even if you want to claim that its unclear, its your fault for making it unclear. You said you needed help with the 10 year old. He said he would do it. So he did.

You went ahead and cancelled the other plan, but did not tell him. They finish at different times so if he is leaving work early to pick up the 10 year old, you needed to make sure he would leave 20 minutes earlier to be able to get them both.

Can’t he use his initiative? Or do you have to spell everything out in minute detail to him? Where did he think the 5 year old was?

@Wearywithteens

I’m with you OP - why does a man need it organised, spelled out and written in a set of instructions before they’re at fault? And if it isn’t, it’s the woman’s fault? He said he’d do the school run, he should’ve sodding well checked if he wasn’t clear what that meant. Not your fault. But then everything is a woman’s fault when a man cocks up - and plenty of people willing to pile on and blame you too. YANBU

But it’s the OP who put the strange wording - ‘ I need someone to pick up the 10 year old’ clearly that means 5 year old is already sorted.

It’s the OP’s mind that had the logic of the two separate parents and pickup times. To Someone else reading is explicit.

If she’s said ‘I need someone to do the school run’ it would be clearer.

Honestly DH ‘could’ have asked but how is he supposed to be a mind reader.

It pains me to give men a pass but in his shoes I wouldn’t have asked as for me the wording is quite clear only 10 year old needed

This was very clearly down to you. Your husband knows how many children he has, he just collected the one you mentioned. It’s even more your fault if they have different collection times. Learn to communicate better and actually own it when you’re wrong.

[quote rishisboater]@ViceLikeBlip they're being mean. Often when a poster gets tons of YABU they get the thread deleted.

I think you've been very gracious [/quote]
Ah, thank you. I mean, I'm probably much less gracious in real life (see this exact example where I'm 100% refusing to accept I'm wrong, despite no one agreeing with me 🤣🤣)

I think any normal person would ask if they needed to pick up the 5 year old or at least ask if the 5 year old was going somewhere else after school!