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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

403 replies

ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 16:33

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 21/07/2021 11:42

I was going to say yabu. But then I kept reading and realised we think the same! So either I think I'm u. Which I dont. So yanbu!

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 12:57

@sadiecow. Evidently you have zero humour. Those without humour always make the BEST parents.
And before you critique those of who doesn’t have children - just think why that might just be the case.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/07/2021 13:02

[quote Bargebill19]@sadiecow. Evidently you have zero humour. Those without humour always make the BEST parents.
And before you critique those of who doesn’t have children - just think why that might just be the case.[/quote]
Odd post.

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 13:08

@GreyhoundG1rl

Read that posters post. Apparently no children no right to comment.

EgSk · 21/07/2021 13:13

I actually think you are being unreasonable. You should have mentioned the 5 year old . At the end of the day your husband thought otherwise and the communication wasn’t clear . Secondly, your husband was doing you a favour .

AnneElliott · 21/07/2021 13:38

Good to see there's more people that are team op!

I think the difference here is the taking of responsibility. If you think that being a parent is doing exactly what the other parent tells you with no thought process or expectation of thinking for yourself then the DH is in the right.

If you however think that being a parent means actually taking responsibility for all of your children and applying a bit of thinking about it then the op is right.

My H would do this (luckily we only have 1 DS) but his favourite phrase is 'nobody told me x'. Very often nobody told me either (like what days the bins are collected or what time is school pickup) but I somehow manage to locate the information for myself. So I may be projecting!

Sadiecow · 21/07/2021 13:42

[quote Bargebill19]@sadiecow. Evidently you have zero humour. Those without humour always make the BEST parents.
And before you critique those of who doesn’t have children - just think why that might just be the case.[/quote]
Zero sense of humour?

Odd comment, where was the humour in your post? Was it the bit where you intimated the DH didn't bother collecting the child as it wasn't his favourite? I must have missed the smiling emoji?

It's totally irrelevant why you don't have children, the fact is running a house with three children in it, is totally different as to how you think it would be.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/07/2021 13:46

If you think that being a parent is doing exactly what the other parent tells you with no thought process or expectation of thinking for yourself then the DH is in the right.
Do you not think when you're asking a favour*, the onus is on you to be very specific as to what the favour entails?
*and it was a favour, the dh was at work and op was at home, she just didn't want to do the school run as it was too hot.

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 13:58

@Sadiecow Humour regarding favourite child. And no i didn’t put a smiling emoji because everyone I know who are parents would realise the humour. You didn’t and how dare you think I don’t know how running a house with several children would run.
Extremely rude of you.
I know only to well the op predicament. Still
Stands her husband should have assumed and should have checked.

Sadiecow · 21/07/2021 14:01

[quote Bargebill19]@Sadiecow Humour regarding favourite child. And no i didn’t put a smiling emoji because everyone I know who are parents would realise the humour. You didn’t and how dare you think I don’t know how running a house with several children would run.
Extremely rude of you.
I know only to well the op predicament. Still
Stands her husband should have assumed and should have checked.[/quote]
74% of the votes disagree with that.......

Speaks for itself really!!

EgSk · 21/07/2021 14:03

“ If you however think that being a parent means actually taking responsibility for all of your children and applying a bit of thinking about it then the op is right”

I agree so much with this !! Well said !@AnneElliott

However I voted YABU because when I read the post I thought the 5 year old was taken care of as well 🤦‍♀️! It might have just been the way it was written as it was a lot of information.

But overall I agree even though I voted YABU

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 14:25

@Sadiecow

Because 74% of people think all thinking should be done solely by the female in the relationship. Apparently being male absolves you from thinking. 🤔

SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/07/2021 14:32

[quote Bargebill19]@Sadiecow

Because 74% of people think all thinking should be done solely by the female in the relationship. Apparently being male absolves you from thinking. 🤔[/quote]
No 74% people think the communication was not clear at all

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 14:33

@Sadiecow

Communication does work both ways not just female to male.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/07/2021 14:36

[quote Bargebill19]@Sadiecow

Communication does work both ways not just female to male.[/quote]
In this case the op told the dh (a very garbled version of) what she wanted, and the dh listened and complied.
Branding him the problem with that piece of communication is odd.

Sadiecow · 21/07/2021 14:39

[quote Bargebill19]@Sadiecow

Communication does work both ways not just female to male.[/quote]
Does it??

Goodness me, I never knew!

Also, women can be in the wrong, OP is not by virtue of being female correct.

As I said 74% of (mainly females on this forum?) agree that OP WBU.

Speaks volumes.

Still hopefully OP has managed to get the pick up sorted today, made her requirements clear, not had to make her DH leave work early again or risked the hot weather and gone herself.

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 14:43

@Sadiecow

Trying to funny ?! Where’s the emoji ….

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 14:45

@GreyhoundG1rl

Garbled maybe. Then he should have clarified what she wanted. He didn’t.
Fwiw not all men would have just taken the message the way op dh did.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/07/2021 14:46

Imagine a woman coming here telling people that her DH keeps clarifying information she gives him, just in case😂😂😂

RobynRedhead · 21/07/2021 14:48

@GreyhoundG1rl

If you think that being a parent is doing exactly what the other parent tells you with no thought process or expectation of thinking for yourself then the DH is in the right. Do you not think when you're asking a favour*, the onus is on you to be very specific as to what the favour entails? *and it was a favour, the dh was at work and op was at home, she just didn't want to do the school run as it was too hot.
Op was at home with her 8yo isolating. A Dad picking up his own kids because Mum can't is not a favour.
GreyhoundG1rl · 21/07/2021 14:50

Then he should have clarified what she wanted. He didn’t.
Really? Personally I couldn't live with someone who "clarified" every bloody thing I said to them, in case I couldn't be trusted to string a sentence together without help.
Does your dh do this to you? Ltb.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/07/2021 14:52

Op was at home with her 8yo isolating. A Dad picking up his own kids because Mum can't is not a favour.
Op has said she usually brings the isolating child with her in the car, and has the headteacher's blessing to do this.
She didn't want to do it yesterday because it was hot. So yes, her dh did her a favour by leaving work to do it for her.

Sadiecow · 21/07/2021 14:55

@RobynRedhead OP did not decide not to go because her child was isolating, she says that herself, that the school and she are happy that she can take the 8 year old and sit in the car with the windows open.

She didn't want to go because it was too hot to sit in the car apparently.

So it wasn't that she couldn't go.

aSofaNearYou · 21/07/2021 14:56

*I think the difference here is the taking of responsibility. If you think that being a parent is doing exactly what the other parent tells you with no thought process or expectation of thinking for yourself then the DH is in the right.

If you however think that being a parent means actually taking responsibility for all of your children and applying a bit of thinking about it then the op is right.*

Always considering and assuming there must be holes in your partner's plans is surely just called second guessing? Don't get me wrong, I would probably hit my partner back with "what about 5yo", but this is an annoying trait of mine really, because of course as an equally responsible parent, he will have known what he was doing when he asked me to do something specific that didn't involve picking up the 5yo.

I don't think it makes you a disengaged parent to not second guess your partner when they make a specific request of you. If she had been vague, he would have needed to question the plans more.

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 15:06

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Very true!!! 🤣🤣

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