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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

403 replies

ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 16:33

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 17:17

Sorry I agree with most others. Given there I such a gap between pick ups and your specifically only mentioning the older child in text I can see why he didn’t get the youngest.

He should have probably checked but then you should have probably confirmed too if there was talk of other arrangements for the 5 year old.

Best to both move on quietly thinking your both right. Grin

AuntMargo · 20/07/2021 17:18

Your fault, you only asked him to pick the 10yr old up, text reads thats the only child that needs collecting !!

Fiddliestofsticks · 20/07/2021 17:19

@ViceLikeBlip

No matter how silly you are, you will always find someone to agree with you. That does not make you right... it makes the group agreeing with you also wrong.

Remember, this is a site where we really don't like to agree with what the husband has done! So when the majority do agree, on a site already biased against him, then you need to accept that you were wrong. Clinging onto the few people who agree isn't going to help your argument with your husband. Theyre wrong too.

TheOrangeSharked · 20/07/2021 17:20

What did he think was happening when he went to work Op? Who did he think was picking up his Dc?

uktrippin · 20/07/2021 17:21

YABU simply for making it so complicated!

Why on earth wasn't the 10 year old either making his own way home or coming with the friend who collected the 5 year old?

You would rather have 2 separate people doing your favours than just 1?

Cavagirl · 20/07/2021 17:22

SHIIIIT! I've been so busy arguing with strangers on the internet, I also completely forgot he existed for a minute there. Meh, it's late now, not much point going back for him.

So lol, but actually what happened though?

5 YO got out 20 mins earlier than 10 YO. No one to pick them up.

So what happened? DH literally walked past them waiting in the playground? Or....? Presumably he had to go back for them, so teacher was looking after them for at least 30 mins?? Or....?

I mean if he walked past them in the playground I will change my vote, so you've a vested interest in finishing the story here OP Grin

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 17:23

[quote IHateFlies]@CastawayQueen so you wouldn’t even ask ‘oh what’s 5 yr old up to then?’[/quote]
No - why would I? If it was DP responsibility to sort and he said only one needed to be picked up then one it is. Why would I need to know what his plan is for the other? Just like DP saying ‘buy milk for pancakes’ I’d say ok. I wouldn’t ask if I needed to buy other pancake stuff too!
Especially if he had time to ask ‘are you going straight to school’ (at which point he’d have said if 5 YO was needed as well)

Maybe I’m the ‘detailed instruction’ husband other women seem to complain about but my DP and I have the pleasure of giving each other instructions. So forgetting anything and it’s always abundantly clear whose fault it is 😂 which means no arguments on unimportant things

Soubriquet · 20/07/2021 17:23

@AmyDudley

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE FIVE YEAR OLD?????

He has grown up and now has kids of his own while OP and her H are still arguing.

He’s been sent to the work house

Sorry

Earwigworries · 20/07/2021 17:23

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Actually, I think you should have mentioned the 5-year old. I don't think he forgot how many children he has; just assumed you'd made other plans for the 5-year old.
Exactly this I’m afraid Hope 5 year old ok and not too upset Neither of you will ever do it again
diddl · 20/07/2021 17:24

I think it's odd he didn't check.

But by the time he got there for the 10yr old the 5yr old had already been waiting for 20mins?

At the same school?

Hadn't anyone been contacted so that they could have been collected together?

Or have I misunderstood?

thisplaceisweird · 20/07/2021 17:24

Not your husband's fault at all!! You only mentioned one child that needed picking up

pleasedonttextmyman · 20/07/2021 17:24

@TheOrangeSharked

What did he think was happening when he went to work Op? Who did he think was picking up his Dc?
he could have asked

but frankly, if you tell me to pick up "George", I understand "George" needs to be picked up

otherwise you'd have told me to pick up "the kids".

If I take the call rushing to catch a train, or gathering things for a meeting or whatever, I might not have time, or think, to ask "but am I supposed to pick up "Charlotte" and "Louis" too. And I am the mum!

not kids real name if a bright sparks has to ask

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2021 17:25

There's a lot of talk of "oh he should have asked what was happening with the 5yo" - it sounds like it was a pretty brief conversation you had, presumably because he was jumping straight in the car to get the 10yo? Meanwhile, it sounds like getting other people to help out with pickups is an established part of your life, given the solution you found for the 5yo. So with that in mind, I really don't think it's that strange that he didn't double check. What IS strange is that you asked him to get the 10yo specifically, then cancelled the plan for the 5yo and didn't think to send a follow up text saying he'd need to get them too.

Now he really shouldn't still be yelling at you over this, which is a bit worrying, but if you've been chastising him for "forgetting how many kids he has" I can see why he's wound up. It's a very patronising thing to say when the miscommunication was in fact your fault.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 20/07/2021 17:25

I can see why he didn't realise but if I said I would go pick the 10 year old up from school, then I would obviously ask who was getting the 5 year old and tell dp just to tell them bot to bother as I would be there anyway.

Bellend101 · 20/07/2021 17:26

Your TL:DR doesn't tell the same story. You told him you were trying to get hold of someone to pick up the 10YO. Why would he instantly assume you meant the other kid as well? YABU.

zigzag56445 · 20/07/2021 17:26

I'm with your DH. You told him you needed to sort getting the 10 Yr old picked up. He did it. If the 2 kids needed picking up at the same time then I'll expect there would be no need to clarify you meant the 2 of them.

We have 2 different pickup times here and no way does doing one run mean that you are responsible for both.

Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 17:27

@TheOrangeSharked

What did he think was happening when he went to work Op? Who did he think was picking up his Dc?
He wouldn't think to wonder about it. When one kid is isolating, usually I drive to school and park on the double yellows and then dash in to get the others, or maybe ask someone to walk them round to the car for me (depending the age of the kid who would be left in the car). This is never an ideal situation, but it's just too hot today to be sitting in the car (no shade) for 20 mins.
OP posts:
Wineandroses3 · 20/07/2021 17:28

@Hallyup6

Did he know you'd made arrangements for the 5 year old? If so, he's entirely reasonable to pick up one child. If not, he should have checked with you but you can't be too angry with him because your message wasn't clear in the first place.
But she wasn’t angry with him, he’s been shouting at her because of the mix up.
Crunchymum · 20/07/2021 17:31

Seems like a communication error - both of you could have clarified / confirmed.

TheOrangeSharked · 20/07/2021 17:32

Maybe he thought you were picking up the 5yo then? Or the 5yo had already gone home sick/isolating and that was why you needed someone to pick up the 10yo? Its not like he was aware both DC had difficulties getting picked up as you would normally do it regardless.

Sorry I think this is on you, your message suggests there was a problem with the 10yo.

CynsterBitch · 20/07/2021 17:34

@ViceLikeBlip
From your message I would have totally assumed 5yo was sorted, but like you I would not have the good grace to apologize and I think the only thing you can do now is LTB, far less awkward 😁

Sceptre86 · 20/07/2021 17:35

You could have been clearer but he should have asked.

Crunchymum · 20/07/2021 17:36

Actually now I think about it, I'd expect my DP to know which of our 3 kids are in school and he would also know that no-one else routinely collects just one of them?

BUT given all the confusion, having one isolating and you mentioning just the 10yo, I can see how it all got a but confused.

FWIW, I'd have confirmed with my DP "you are getting 5yo and 10yo" as he doesn't often do pick ups and I'd feel better reminding him.

rainbowstardrops · 20/07/2021 17:36

I can't believe people are saying you're 100% in the wrong!!!!
Yes, there's a lack of communication but why the hell do you have to spell it out to the father of your children that he might need to pick the other one up too????!!!!!
Is he stupid????
Why didn't HE ask????
Absolute twattery from him!

LondonElle · 20/07/2021 17:37

Ah it was mixed messages ( though I would probably side with your husband if I had to) and I assume no harm done!?!

My dad took my 3 year old brother on the school run once to pick me up, he picked me up but left him there and came home... he knew he went to school with one child and came back with one child so thought nothing of it... it was only after a call from the headteacher that he suddenly realised and raced to the school to collect him -my brother was in the staff room eating crisps and not a bit bothered ... my mum assumed we were upstairs playing so didn't notice either 😂😂😂
So it could be worse!!

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