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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

403 replies

ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 16:33

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

OP posts:
Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 22:51

@AudacityBaby

I voted YABU but having RTFT I think the pair of you sound like bloody hard work. What would’ve been over in 2 minutes of two parents sharing an embarrassed laugh over the miscommunication has turned into yelling, you insisting he forgot he has a child, him refusing to apologise, and a thread of 14 pages.

I’m honestly also devastated that nobody has thus far noticed that you openly admit to parking on double yellows when picking up your children! A truly top tier MN sin!

Honestly, can’t you just both apologise and agree to do it better next time?! I think the 5 year old could probably use a bit of peace and quiet after being abandoned at school… Grin

I don't PARK on the double yellows. I just kinda leave my car there for a bit when I'm getting the kids from school...

(Ps I honestly only do this if I've got a kid "isolating" in the car, because I really can't leave them by themselves at the bottom of the road. It's become pretty standard practice at our school as a way to deal with multiple children and isolations)

OP posts:
PoshWatchShitShoes · 20/07/2021 23:18

You said you needed someone to pick up the 10 year old. I’d therefore assume you already had the 5 year old pick up covered

Your fault for not communicating clearly.

thenewduchessofhastings · 20/07/2021 23:26

Why is it OP's fault?

If the children's other parent (their father) is picking up the 10 year old from the same school the 5 year old goes to then why would you have another adult collect the 5 year old to make the same journey their other parent needs to make?

It's basic common sense.You collect both of your own children.

The OP's DH is attempting to deflect his shit parenting skills by shifting the blame onto OP.

The DH is being a colossal twat.

If this was the other way around then no doubt the mother would be roasted.It's another example of different standards for men and women.

oh OP's poor DH;imagine having to remember that you have two children at the same school right?

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 23:29

This thread is like the Duracell bunny. It just goes on and on and on...

PRsecrets · 20/07/2021 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FortniteBoysMum · 20/07/2021 23:38

I don't think he forgot the child exists. However from yours sage I would have thought she had no one to pick up ten year old meaning she's sorted 5 year old. However knowing my dp I would have asked if 5 year old needed collecting if was dad but as mum I would of said 5 year old comes out 20 minutes earlier so don't be late as (insert 5 year old name) will think they have been forgotten.

Meatshake · 21/07/2021 00:07

It doesn't need to be anybody's fault, it's just a breakdown of communication.

No one did anything wrong, you both just made incorrect assumptions. You should have clarified, he should have checked.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/07/2021 00:14

I don't PARK on the double yellows. I just kinda leave my car there for a bit when I'm getting the kids from school...

Assuming your car isn't moving while you're not in it, you are PARKED.

elp30 · 21/07/2021 00:23

I read your AIBU to my husband.
He said:

"Let me get this straight-Husband has three kids at the same school. He's going to collect the kids and before he leaves for said school, doesn't reiterate that the youngest needs collecting or ask whether they get collected first or simply ask about him? If he had, the five-year-old wouldn't have been left behind and there wouldn't have been an issue. If they weren't all in the same school, I'd understand the confusion but they are and the guy is wrong."

I'm with you @ViceLikeBlip

Bargebill19 · 21/07/2021 00:49

@ViceLikeBlip. We don’t have kids. I have asked my Dh - he immediately without thinking said “I would pick up both or double check that both wanted collecting”.
He did add, does your dh have a favourite child that isn’t the one that got left behind?

FartAndMoan · 21/07/2021 01:18

Well I'm gonna say YANBU just because I love your banter Grin

I only have one child and my husband almost forgot to pick her up once. Another time our child forgot she was getting picked up and made her way home on the bus as usual while dh was sat outside the school wondering why she was so late 🤣

PrincessNutella · 21/07/2021 02:36

You were very specificpick up the 10 year oldso no. Team husband.

diddl · 21/07/2021 07:50

@PrincessNutella

You were very specificpick up the 10 year oldso no. Team husband.
I don't think it's as simple as that though.

He knows that Op is at home with the 8yr old so can't collect.

Yes, the inference was that the 5yr old was sorted, but why not stop & think well that's actually his kid so he would collect rather than "troubling" someone else to do so?

I mean when there's a parent available asking others should be a last resort.

So why isn't he doing pick ups anyway whilst Op can't?

rantymcrantface66 · 21/07/2021 08:03

Me: I need you to buy ketchup for the hotdogs
Partner: buys ketchup
Me: WHY DIDN'T YOU ALSO BUY MUSTARD YOU STUPID BASTARD

I actually think the 5 yo is the hotdog in this analogy. It doesn't actually state the OP already has hotdogs but it certainly suggests it to the point I'd not question it.

I'm surprised the school took over 20 minutes to call you though especially knowing sibling was likely to be being picked up.

Qwerty789 · 21/07/2021 08:08

Can't believe how many women are on the side of this idiot man who didn't pick his own kid up from school!

OBVIOUSLY you're not going to use a favour from someone else to get one child if the other parent decides to go to the school. He's totally in the wrong and so are all the people here making excuses for him

Sadiecow · 21/07/2021 08:47

[quote Bargebill19]@ViceLikeBlip. We don’t have kids. I have asked my Dh - he immediately without thinking said “I would pick up both or double check that both wanted collecting”.
He did add, does your dh have a favourite child that isn’t the one that got left behind?[/quote]
Oh yeah, now the DH left her behind because 5 year olds not his favourite!! Oh course, perhaps he was hoping the OP would leaveDC there indefinitely.

Maybe he'll take the child out into the woods Hansel and Gretal style, be careful OP!

I do always find the best parents are the ones without children, who tell you how they're going to bring up their children and just how perfect they'll be!

Twoforthree · 21/07/2021 08:48

So have you both apologised to each other for the “misunderstanding”?

diddl · 21/07/2021 09:05

"OBVIOUSLY you're not going to use a favour from someone else to get one child if the other parent decides to go to the school."

I agree & think that that's the crux of it.

I think some people just don't think through implications!

hawkehurstgang · 21/07/2021 09:46

You were so confusing and made it sound like picking up the 5 year old was already sorted. Yabu.

Youdiditanyway · 21/07/2021 09:51

Bit of communication breakdown I think. When he agreed to do the school run he probably should have said ‘I may as well collect them both’ so do think it’s weird he didn’t. As an aside, could you not leave 8yo in the car while you run in to collect the other two in future?

Qwerty789 · 21/07/2021 10:23

@hawkehurstgang

You were so confusing and made it sound like picking up the 5 year old was already sorted. Yabu.
Complete rubbish. It's obvious it was sorted due to the absence of a parent, the presence of parent unsorts it. Any fool can see that.
Spottybluepyjamas · 21/07/2021 10:28

I think it would be reasonable for DH to assume (from your message) that 5yo didn't need picking up. I would have assumed from that message that he had after school club/sports/play date. I probably would have checked - but from the message that's the assumption that I would have made

aSofaNearYou · 21/07/2021 10:42

@Qwerty789

Can't believe how many women are on the side of this idiot man who didn't pick his own kid up from school!

OBVIOUSLY you're not going to use a favour from someone else to get one child if the other parent decides to go to the school. He's totally in the wrong and so are all the people here making excuses for him

This whole "OP is right" argument entirely hinges on it apparently being unfathomable that there could be other arrangements for the 5yo when the dad was going to the school. I think that says a lot about the kind of people that expect people to think exactly as they do. Not everyone is going to go down the identical thought process about calling in favours. If you do and you change your plan accordingly, you need to tell the other person rather than assume they're having the same thought. To me, THAT is worthy of an all caps "obviously".

A lot of people that clearly have very bad communication skills, followed by deflective behaviour, here.

rishisboater · 21/07/2021 11:31

But the husband didn't know it was a favour being used for the 5 year old. Lots of assumptions on both parts - better comms needed!

rishisboater · 21/07/2021 11:32

Did you kiss and make up OP?