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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

403 replies

ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 16:33

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

OP posts:
Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 21:18

@uktrippin

"OP isn’t supposed to be bringing her 8yo out at all (they should be isolating) but she didn’t want to leave the child alone in a hot car today."

I know what she's supposed to do. She's not doing it though, only on hot days when it's better to send out an elderly stranger in the heat Confused

Why would she need to leave a child in the car?

The friend would bring the 5 year old to her and the 10 year old would use his legs. Pure cheeky fuckery

Ah- yr5 are not allowed to leave school by themselves, they have to be handed to an adult. Even though he's 3 days away from being 6,when he absolutely would be allowed to just walk out the gate by himself 🤷‍♀️
OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/07/2021 21:20

Ok drip feed does change things somewhat. If he was at school in time, it is odd he didn’t think to check if he needed to collect your youngest. That said, you didn’t say, oh great, you’ll be there in time to pick up 5 yo then. Communication issues.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 21:21

Ah- yr5 are not allowed to leave school by themselves, they have to be handed to an adult. Even though he's 3 days away from being 6,when he absolutely would be allowed to just walk out the gate by himself 🤷‍♀️
So why can't your 10 year old? On a normal day, I mean?
You spend 20 minutes mooching round school premises when the two older ones are allowed to walk out the gate by themselves? 🤔

Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 21:28

@uktrippin

"This is never an ideal situation, but it's just too hot today to be sitting in the car (no shade) for 20 mins."

Oh my god. You're such a CF. You were going to ask an elderly neighbour you barely know to do one of your school runs and a friend to do the other when you normally do it yourself but cba today because it is hot?!

And you live far from the school. Fucking CF Blush

I would put up with sitting in the car by myself in the heat (not that that scenario would ever arise) but I didn't want to subject my 8yo to that. I definitely should have explained that the neighbour (aged 68) was picking her granddaughter up from school today anyway. I have on occasion picked the granddaughter up for her. I absolutely would not ask an elderly neighbour, whose number I didn't even know, to go out to a school 15 minutes away just to pick up my child! But as I've learned today, I should not have assumed that you would realise that 😉
OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 20/07/2021 21:29

I don't care who was meant to get the 5 year old.....I've just loved your replies OP. Not one rude comment, no defensiveness, no swearing just some good humoured banter from you. (I didn't read everyone else's commenta as there are far too many). Fwiw I get your husbands position even if he should have asked about the 5 yo.

Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 21:30

@GreyhoundG1rl

Ah- yr5 are not allowed to leave school by themselves, they have to be handed to an adult. Even though he's 3 days away from being 6,when he absolutely would be allowed to just walk out the gate by himself 🤷‍♀️ So why can't your 10 year old? On a normal day, I mean? You spend 20 minutes mooching round school premises when the two older ones are allowed to walk out the gate by themselves? 🤔
Sorry, I mistyped. YEAR 6 (and only year 6) are allowed to leave without an adult. None of my kids is allowed to leave by themselves yet.
OP posts:
Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 21:34

@Sadiecow

Well that's a drip feed, you had such a detailed conversation *@ViceLikeBlip* that he didn't just say he'd collect 10 year old, he actually told you what time he was leaving to do it.

Well he must truly have forgotten you've got a five year old then, no other reason!

So it wasn't don't worry I can leave early, it was don't worry I can leave work at 2, leading you to believe he actually remembered that he had a five year old?

Hmm
He said "ill do it" then "I can leave at 2". Then I asked whether he'd go straight to school (because he actually had enough time to come home first) and he said yes.

I hadn't understood that people were going to get so fixated on the 20 mins between pick ups. Because I usually have 3 to pick up (and by the time I'm late for the first one, and the last teacher can't bear to have the kids a moment longer and kicks them out early) I never really notice the staggered timings. I'd failed to realise just how pivotal this piece of information was going to be to my argument!

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 21:36

Sorry, I mistyped. YEAR 6 (and only year 6) are allowed to leave without an adult. None of my kids is allowed to leave by themselves yet.
Ah, sorry. On re reading the typo was obvious Blush

KarmaStar · 20/07/2021 21:42

Here we go!
Majority Yabu
Ok won't have it.
Why ask?

AfternoonToffee · 20/07/2021 21:49

@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo

YANBU, OP.

If the roles were reversed and the husband had have said "can you pick up Tarquinius', to the wife, you can bet she would have said "what about Gwendoline?".

Women, innit - we see the big picture!!!

Nope, I would have presumed he had that covered.
Original poster
ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 21:49

@KarmaStar

Here we go! Majority Yabu Ok won't have it. Why ask?
Because no one actually means AIBU? They mean "argh, I'm so pissed off with my useless husband, and I want to vent to strangers on the internet about it". Well, that's what I meant anyway. But it looks like it backfired 🤣🤣🤣

Ps I actually feel like I'm clawing back if not quite a majority "yanbu", at least a reasonable backing 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2021 21:57

OP your update does make your position make more sense, but nothing will change the fact that you failed to convey a key bit of information, and that's why this happened. Putting it down to a general miscommunication would he fair enough, but continuing to chastise your husband with the accusation that he MUST have forgotten about his other child because he didn't just assume you'd changed your plans when you failed to pass that information on, will never be justified. That was a failure on your part, you really need to just take ownership of that, and remember in future that if you change your plans you should tell the other person, because they're not automatically going to be on the same wavelength as you.

worktrip · 20/07/2021 22:00

They say when you're in a hole stop digging 🤣

Terhou · 20/07/2021 22:03

I do think it would have made sense for him at least you double check that the 5 YO was sorted.

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 22:12

@aSofaNearYou

OP your update does make your position make more sense, but nothing will change the fact that you failed to convey a key bit of information, and that's why this happened. Putting it down to a general miscommunication would he fair enough, but continuing to chastise your husband with the accusation that he MUST have forgotten about his other child because he didn't just assume you'd changed your plans when you failed to pass that information on, will never be justified. That was a failure on your part, you really need to just take ownership of that, and remember in future that if you change your plans you should tell the other person, because they're not automatically going to be on the same wavelength as you.
If it was the other way round the husband would definitely have been called abusive and controlling and there’s be LTB’s left right and center 😂
AnneElliott · 20/07/2021 22:16

I don't think it's your fault op. It's only because he's a man that these things apparently need spelling out in black and white! If it was the other way round, I think people would have said that was your fault!

Much less is expected of men - even in MN.

Bostonbullsmumma · 20/07/2021 22:18

I'm with you OP- If you have 2 children at the same school you would of course collect them both or at least check the other was being collected still! You're right and he's wrong 😆 and the school run with an isolating child is an absolute nightmare! I've had a relative walk to the school to wait by my car (I don't live by the school but they do!) with my child inside (windows all shut) so that I could do drop off and pick up!!

Sadiecow · 20/07/2021 22:19

@Bostonbullsmumma

I'm with you OP- If you have 2 children at the same school you would of course collect them both or at least check the other was being collected still! You're right and he's wrong 😆 and the school run with an isolating child is an absolute nightmare! I've had a relative walk to the school to wait by my car (I don't live by the school but they do!) with my child inside (windows all shut) so that I could do drop off and pick up!!
OP was happy with windows open, so not much of a nightmare!
BillMasen · 20/07/2021 22:20

@Mumdiva99

I don't care who was meant to get the 5 year old.....I've just loved your replies OP. Not one rude comment, no defensiveness, no swearing just some good humoured banter from you. (I didn't read everyone else's commenta as there are far too many). Fwiw I get your husbands position even if he should have asked about the 5 yo.
This. I fully expected a defensive rant followed by a delete, and posted at the beginning slightly cheekily saying that, but fair play OP
AnnaSW1 · 20/07/2021 22:20

I was totally rooting for you. But having read your post I'm actually in agreement with your husband on this.

tommmanndjjerrry · 20/07/2021 22:23

I'm with you OP.

I can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't have thought he was required to collect just one child?

Ok you were trying to make separate plans for the different kids with different friends/classes to avoid asking anyone to wait around, but he's their dad! It goes without saying that he needs to collect them BOTH!

tommmanndjjerrry · 20/07/2021 22:24

Would have thought *

Direstraitsmates · 20/07/2021 22:28

If I had been him I would have thought I was just picking up the 10 year old. You said you needed someone to pick up the 10 year old. I would have assumed the other child was going elsewhere or had already been picked up by someone else 20 minutes earlier.

Ohbeeryme · 20/07/2021 22:35

YABU. If you said something less specific he should’ve clarified if unsure. But you specified. There was no ambiguity. Pick up the ten year old. Therefore he has done exactly what was asked of him, just not what you expected of him. Feel like you might know this deep down but finding it hard to admit you’re wrong. We all do it Grin

AudacityBaby · 20/07/2021 22:42

I voted YABU but having RTFT I think the pair of you sound like bloody hard work. What would’ve been over in 2 minutes of two parents sharing an embarrassed laugh over the miscommunication has turned into yelling, you insisting he forgot he has a child, him refusing to apologise, and a thread of 14 pages.

I’m honestly also devastated that nobody has thus far noticed that you openly admit to parking on double yellows when picking up your children! A truly top tier MN sin!

Honestly, can’t you just both apologise and agree to do it better next time?! I think the 5 year old could probably use a bit of peace and quiet after being abandoned at school… Grin

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