To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy because he feels he is too young, surely that shows he is open to more children?

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable! If he is so serious about not wanting another child, he'd have a Vasectomy. No ifs, no ands, no buts. So he obviously doesn't feel strongly enough and not having another one.

And bollocks to your friend's advice, she sounds like an airhead. You should use contraception, when you are a married woman and are open to another child? So you should pump your body with hormones or have foreign objects inserted in you, when you're not the one with the issue? And the child will be 'unwanted'? Says who? It WILL be wanted....by YOU! She doesn't sound very sensible. Ignore her advice. I would just say to DH that you wouldn't mind another, and since he is the one with the issue over it, HE is the one that has to take 100% full contraceptive responsibility, because you are not doing a thing. It's his sperm, it's now 100% on him.

So much for equality.

Anyway, see if your DH will at least go have a discussion with his GP about the vasectomy. Most of the time they resist having one is because they're too cowardly or afraid they won't be manly anymore. Lots of myths floating around about it.

Now days it doesn't even need to be reversed to get the sperm out. The doctor can do a needle aspiration if you both decide you want more DC.

The NHS won't be keen on doing a vasectomy for someone in their early 30's with one child and no medical need for you not to get pregnant for the very reason why your DH isn't keen - the possibility that he might change his mind. The cost to try and reverse a vasectomy far exceeds the initial procedure. That was my experience when I enquired 15 years ago - 2 children, DH under 35, no medical need.

Have you considered pessaries and/or a diaphragm? Many women used those successfully for years.

There are ways of tracking ovulation too. You can buy something at a pharmacy which will do that.

I think you would be pretty safe with all three of the above.

I do get that it seems fair for your husband to take a turn at preventing pregnancy but if he hates condoms, what is the point? Sex is supposed to be mutually enjoyable and loving. He may not even be able to perform with a condom.

Good luck.

I mean if you go off the responses to the kind of threads I just mentioned then the husband should be wearing condoms even if his wife is taking contraception if he really doesn't want a baby.

Oh and to the OP of course you aren't fucking unreasonable. I'd let him download an app though and let him know when your periods start. He can update it If it goes wrong he could have well used a fucking condom

@SlothinSpirit

It is entirely reasonably for the OP not to want to stick a foreign object inside herself when there is a form of contraceptive, namely the condom, available which doesn't require either her or her husband to do this.

Why are women still expected to suffer to ensure men's sexual pleasure?

I don't think anyone is saying that OP should have to take contraception that she doesn't want.

What is unreasonable is that they are effectively trying for a baby but not communicating about it, and it sounds like he doesn't want one. That is not fair on the future child.

If they don't BOTH want a child, then they need to come to an agreement about how they are going to prevent OP from becoming pregnant, whether that is streilisation, condoms, abstaining or contraception.

Or switch to oral only. More orgasms for you. Win win

Much older than most of you on here, but will give you my experience.
I had three children and was nervous of having any more, my husband did use condoms and was happy to do so. However I decided to see my GP about sterilization, he was a great GP. His answer was No No No.
Women have to have the babies and all that entails, the least a man can do is have a Vasectomy, which my lovely husband was happy to do. If your husband doesn't want any more children, then he knows the answer

@nancywhitehead but the op did talk to her dh.

I would tell him the ball is in his court (so to speak!) and what would he do if you became pregnant. If his answer is to leave then I would ask him to stop wasting time and go now. Anyone who behaves like this I wouldn't be sleeping with anyway.

Do you want a baby? If the real answer is yes, then tell him (you must have a preference?) he must be 100% responsible for contraception. If you don't, then have the coil fitted. It's rare to have any side effects or risks with them. Agree a time scale depending on your ages, and after x years he then has a vasectomy and takes over the contraception issue

@Maggiesfarm

Have you considered pessaries and/or a diaphragm?

Why the fuck should she consider sticking anything up inside her own body to accommodate her DH's desire of no more children? It's his responsibility now.

@LopsidedWombat

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in not wanting to use hormonal or invasive contraception and actually am the same myself after various attempts that affected me negatively.

However, I do think it is unreasonable to not have another conversation with your husband that goes something like "am I right in thinking we are effectively trying for a baby given that I told you I am done with hormonal and invasive contraception and we aren't using condoms? You are adamant that you don't want more children but you aren't using condoms, so which is it?"

I would worry that in spite of what you previously told him, including that you'd not be getting a termination if (or when?) you do get pregnant, he will act shocked and the reality of the situation may be really explosive for your relationship if it does happen.

^This^

Absolutely you shouldn't have to use a form of contraception that you are not happy with. But this needs to be done with open communication and a clear understanding from both parties of what the risks are, and both parties fully agreeing that they are happy with those risks.

I can't quite put my finger on why, but it feels a little like you are trying to get pregnant by stealth. Have you mentioned "not taking hormonal contraception" in passing, or have you actually sat down and said, "DH I am not on any contraception at all, and unless you use condoms every time, or get a vasectomy, then if we continue to have sex we will end up with another baby". I know it sounds basic, but I'm pretty sure that if I just muttered something about no longer wanting to use hormonal contraception, my DH wouldn't jump to the conclusion that I was unprotected, he'd probably just assume I'd switched to another, non-hormonal type. Because, after all, we'd jointly discussed and agreed that we weren't going to try for another baby. And he'd assume that would still stand, unless we'd expressly discussed otherwise.

Will people on here just fuck....off with trying guilt the OP into doing something she does not want to do?

She has said she wants (or at least is open to) another child. Why the hell would she use a diaphram?

She has said she DOESN'T WANT TO USE CONTRACEPTION!

It's HER BODY, HER CHOICE. For fuck sake!

@GreatBigArse

If I'm stubborn for not being pressured to put things inside my body which I don't want in there then yes, I'm happily stubborn.

This was exactly my view point to contraception. I didn't want anything invasive or hormonal. Fortunately DH was happy with condoms.

I think you owe it to your husband to be very clear that the two of you could be creating a baby. If he doesn't want one he needs to sort it out. I couldn't be bothered with him being so "lazy" over it, I feel like he will turn round and blame you if you do get pg.

YANBU I’ve spent YEARS of my life living with side effects from contraception like mood swings and acne, I’ve had enough. I never found anything that fit. The copper coil has a poor track record for being painful and causing heavy bleeding, loads of women have it removed after a few months due to this. Life is precious, I don’t want to piss away another few months of my life trialling another contraceptive with an unpleasant side effect.

Honestly condoms are not that bad. You’d think they were made of sandpaper with the fuss some people make.

It’s his own responsibility to educate himself on the risks he is taking so he can decide to use condoms or not (assuming op is happy with or without). I don’t think it’d be unreasonable for him to ask her to track her cycle with the caveat that this is an unreliable method too.

The man needs to use condoms. It's the easiest and simplest method to get what he wants - protection.

He doesn't like condoms, OP doesn't like the options available to her either. But not getting OP pregnant is more important to him, so he needs to take responsibility here.

it feels a little like you are trying to get pregnant by stealth

When I try to do things in secret I tend not to tell people clearly about them. You know like 'DH I'm not taking contraception anymore and if I get pregnant I won't have an abortion'.

How is that stealthy?

Or you could say OP has done her time being solely responsible for contraception and now it's her DH's turn to pick up the torch???
Yes done when it suits her and demanding that he picks it up when that time comes, regardless of when it suits him. Why does one gets to dictate how and when one takes precaution.

How would people react if her OH decided that he had enough of working FT to support the family, so now is the time that she goes to work FT and he goes PT or does not work because he's done his part. Would this be acceptable? Of course not, but on MN, women get to rule the roost and make all the decisions that impact on everyone.

Of course there might be compromises. OP wears a diagram once, he accepts to wear a condom the next. OP keeps track of her cycle by doing ovulation tests so she knows when she is about to ovulate. He can then wear a condom then.

However, OP wants confirmation that she is in the right by taking no responsibility. Of course she is going to get most people agreeing on a site mainly used by women. I except she'd get very different responses on male forums. As already said, the only right thing to do is what is right to both of them.

Sorry but I think you both should just not have sex simply, a vasectomy is very hard to reverse, and on the condom front have you tried the female ones might be less uncomfortable, base line is you decided you want another child so stopped taking stuff

@mrsm43s

My 7 year old knows that if a man outs his penis in a woman's vagina it'll make a baby

How that could be less stealthy I don't know. I'm giving the ops husband the benefit of the doubt that he isn't an idiot

It sounds like the OP has been quite clear with her DH but his "need" () for condomless sex outweighs his common sense.

Haven't RTFT but there are options beyond penetrative sex....