To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

@JungleBeats

Mini pill and withdrawal?

The mini pill is still hormonal contraceptive and it takes lots of people a long time to find one that agrees with them.

OP doesn’t want hormonal contraception and has made that quite clear.

I’m an unwanted child who wrecked their parents marriage and their siblings happy home. Please don’t do this to another child. My siblings literally remember the before and after and essentially my birth was to blame for their home breaking up (it took a few years but they tell me there was a massive shift in my parents marriage when I was born). Don’t put this on a blameless child.

Amazing responses here.

Women mobilise support in shocking case of man facing the possibility of wearing a johnny.

The only thing that is right is the compromise reached by both together

But how do you compromise when it comes to contraception? How do you share responsibility for it? Either one party uses something either hormonal or invasive which comes with far more side effects or one uses a condom.

Either option is still one party taking the full responsibility. I know which one I'd choose to do if I loved my partner as a man though.

[quote EL8888]@LoislovesStewie why does the responsibility for contraception have to sit with her though?[/quote]
It doesn't; I didn't like condoms, as that was how I got pregnant. So I used a diaphragm for quite a while. My choice, I agree.

This sounds really toxic to me.

@TheAntelope
Where on earth did I say the woman should take all the responsibility? I said the exact opposite - that in sex, both man and woman are BOTH responsible for the risk of pregnancy. How they manage that shared responsibility between them, is for them to discuss. Of course the preventative action mostly gets taken on by the woman, for various reasons, but it doesn't need to be, obviously, and a woman can't put all the responsibility on the man, nor can a man put it all on a woman

• though of course they often try, or expect that, which is the point you're making I think.

And talking about the pleasure of sex. If I sat there and watched, convinced or encouraged my partner to put something inside themselves that I knew they didn't want to, the pleasure would be gone anyway.

A diaphram is NOT invasive. It's a bit of rubber you insert then remove. It's the equivalent of the condom. So if you won't even consider it, you are no better than your DH

Some women find them very uncomfortable and they have to be left in for hours, unlike a condom which is only there for the duration. That's pretty invasive in my book.

The OP would not be having an unwanted child. She wants a child.

God its depressing how many women are trying to force all these different types of contraception on the woman only!! Men can use condoms or have the snip, or risk another child. Why should women always have to hold the responsibility, like i say depressing to read.

OPs husband is a grown up and understands how sex can lead to children and he is deciding to carry on having unprotected sex.

OP YANBU

Could you imagine you DH spending this much time thinking about a resolution to this? Why is the responsibility on your shoulders? I’ve told DP I’m not putting my body through anymore contraceptives, after 2 babies were done so if we want to it’ll have to be condoms or the snip. I’ve spent years on contraception and having carried two babies it’s time for my body to rest.

@SupremeDreamz

Amazing responses here.

Women mobilise support in shocking case of man facing the possibility of wearing a johnny.

I'm staggered at people advocating diaphragm's, they're hardly likely to get you in the mood are they.

[quote LalalalalalaLand123]@TheAntelope
Where on earth did I say the woman should take all the responsibility? I said the exact opposite - that in sex, both man and woman are BOTH responsible for the risk of pregnancy. How they manage that shared responsibility between them, is for them to discuss. Of course the preventative action mostly gets taken on by the woman, for various reasons, but it doesn't need to be, obviously, and a woman can't put all the responsibility on the man, nor can a man put it all on a woman

• though of course they often try, or expect that, which is the point you're making I think.[/quote] But the point is that whatever you decide, you're not jointly taking on responsibility for contraception are you. It's still one person either putting something inside themselves or wearing a condom (or having the snip). It's not joint. You might discuss it but it still ends up being one person doing the actual act so it's not a fair split in that regard.

Therefore the comparison is a man who's sex feels a bit less pleasant but no other side effects or a woman putting things inside herself with common and well documented side effects for practically every method.

Let's spell it out (because you both seem to be dancing around it!)...

If you continue to have unprotected sex, and neither of you have any fertility issues, then you will almost certainly get pregnant

That's how it works. So by doing what you are doing, you are both effectively making a decision to try for another baby.

If either of you are not happy with that then you need to have a clear, grown up conversation about what steps you are going to take to avoid it. Obviously, that means either no sex, condoms, one of you gets sterilised, or you take contraception.

It's really that straightforward and you need to communicate very clearly about it, or you risk bringing an unwanted child into the world, which will not be good for anyone and frankly is selfish on your part (you sound like you actually do want another).

YANBU I have never been able to take any form of contraception at all, all of them have a devastating effect on my body.
I told my ex husband I'm not taking any more and he has to get a vasectomy, he absolutely refused so I got sterilised and plunged into a very early menopause in my 40's as a result - this can and does happen according to the surgeon.
My consequent shitty menopausal state and the massive drop in our sex life as a result led him to leave me.
The annoying thing is he wanted a baby with his next partner and it turned out he was 100% infertile. Not one single swimmer. New girlfriend dumped him as she wanted kids.
How i laughed.

@Farwest it would be an unwanted child from its father perspective.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in not wanting to use hormonal or invasive contraception and actually am the same myself after various attempts that affected me negatively.

However, I do think it is unreasonable to not have another conversation with your husband that goes something like "am I right in thinking we are effectively trying for a baby given that I told you I am done with hormonal and invasive contraception and we aren't using condoms? You are adamant that you don't want more children but you aren't using condoms, so which is it?"

I would worry that in spite of what you previously told him, including that you'd not be getting a termination if (or when?) you do get pregnant, he will act shocked and the reality of the situation may be really explosive for your relationship if it does happen.

DH is adamant he wants no more children.

Then he knows what to do then doesn't he?

Having a vasectomy is an obvious and easy solution and he needs a very good reason why he won't have it. You should encourage him to look into this properly as the most practical option.

@Farwest mo but the dp will be. And that's the problem

@vivainsomnia

Some very depressing comments and attitudes on this thread. Then people wonder why men are so entitled, yeah partly because some people want to pander to them so much! Inserting foreign objects inside you and / or lots of hormones. Because he doesn’t want to wear a condom?! Or you can see it from the the side and women wanting things their way at all time. Happy to take hormones when it suits them to because they really don't want to be pregnant and want to be in control. Happy to stop when they want to be pregnant, then imposing that they don't go back on hormones because they still want to be pregnant and hope that it will happen somehow, which clearly won't if they do use hormones again.

There is no right or wrong, women or men's rights trump the others. This is about partnership working. I am not surprised so many relationships collapse when people are so tuned in their wishes and desires, and so quick to dismiss those of their partner using whichever justification to convince themselves that they are right.

The only thing that is right is the compromise reached by both together.

Or you could say OP has done her time being solely responsible for contraception and now it's her DH's turn to pick up the torch???

The reality is contraceptive responsibility is so heavily skewed towards women that it's inconceivable (no pun intended!) to many that OP just doesn't want to back down and keep using hormones/get a coil fitted because that's what we do.

Condoms are the answer here. The only thing I would say though is that condoms can and should be purchased by both men and women, they are used by couples, so that's the only thing I'd say is more contentious here. OP, in your shoes I'd buy a pack of condoms and say that's the contraception you are willing to use.

I think this is how many couples end up with an "extra" child TBH! He must know that withdrawal method is no way safe surely? He is being unreasonable here.If he doesnt want any more children ,then its his responsibility to make sure it doesnt happen ,he cant put it all on you.

It is entirely reasonably for the OP not to want to stick a foreign object inside herself when there is a form of contraceptive, namely the condom, available which doesn't require either her or her husband to do this.

Why are women still expected to suffer to ensure men's sexual pleasure?

I agree that if this man doesn't want another baby, he ought to use condoms or abstain.

But let's not ignore that many women hate condoms too. I do. I hate the feel of the hard edge on them and the rubbery feeling and worrying if they might tear or slip off.

The OP needs to come to some sensible agreement because if she is in her 30s, they have another 15-20 years of this.

What strikes me is that the OP and her DH don't really seem to care about each other.

she's willing to risk being pregnant even though she knows he doesn't want that, because she'd like a baby. Forgetting such a baby might break up their marriage.

He's not willing to use condoms and hoping she won't get pregnant.

What a dire marriage it seems.

What's funny is if anyone ever comes on here and says 'my partners ex tricked him into getting pregnant saying she was on the pill' or whatever the huge huge HUGE majority reply with 'he should wear condoms or not have sex if he doesn't want to have a baby' there is never any responsibility placed on the woman on those threads and rightly it's viewed as just as much the man's responsibility when agreeing to have sex with someone even when he has been told she's taking contraception.

Yet here we have a woman who has literally spelled out that she's not taking anything and women are falling over themselves to excuse the poor bloke who doesn't want to wear a condom because it doesn't feel as good.