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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take contraception

461 replies

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 08:49

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

OP posts:
Frootloops4life · 20/07/2021 11:05

@vivainsomnia

Or you could say OP has done her time being solely responsible for contraception and now it's her DH's turn to pick up the torch??? Yes done when it suits her and demanding that he picks it up when that time comes, regardless of when it suits him. Why does one gets to dictate how and when one takes precaution.

How would people react if her OH decided that he had enough of working FT to support the family, so now is the time that she goes to work FT and he goes PT or does not work because he's done his part. Would this be acceptable? Of course not, but on MN, women get to rule the roost and make all the decisions that impact on everyone.

Of course there might be compromises. OP wears a diagram once, he accepts to wear a condom the next. OP keeps track of her cycle by doing ovulation tests so she knows when she is about to ovulate. He can then wear a condom then.

However, OP wants confirmation that she is in the right by taking no responsibility. Of course she is going to get most people agreeing on a site mainly used by women. I except she'd get very different responses on male forums. As already said, the only right thing to do is what is right to both of them.

So because she was good enough to take care of contraception early on he owns her fertility forever? Why didn't they take turns to start?
Frootloops4life · 20/07/2021 11:06

@TiddleTaddleTat

Haven't RTFT but there are options beyond penetrative sex....
Oh no,that would be far too much effort for a man. Sex is literally just about the dick apparently
Branleuse · 20/07/2021 11:07

if you dont want to use hormonal contraceptive or bother with contraception then thats totally up to you. Have you been totally clear with him that you dont want to and that if you got pregnant then youd actually be happy about it. If hes asking you "is it a safe time" then it sounds to me like he doesnt quite grasp your posiition on it.

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 11:07

Why does one gets to dictate how and when one takes precaution

Who's dictating anything? OP absolutely can dictate what goes in HER body, that's entirely reasonable and anyone suggesting otherwise is frankly an idiot. But she's not dictating that her husband do anything. She's saying I'm not going to do this anymore. That's it. She's not telling her husband he must wear a condom, she isn't having forcing him to have sex with her unprotected and she isn't forcing him to have the snip. They are choices he can make himself if not having a baby is so important to him.

Carrotinthesky · 20/07/2021 11:07

I'm staggered at people advocating diaphragm's, they're hardly likely to get you in the mood are they
Let alone the potions and powders and creams they come with. I found it just truly awful.

morepizzapls · 20/07/2021 11:07

I totally understand where you are coming from OP but as the child of a man who fucked off and didnt want anything to do with me because he realised he couldnt cope and it wasnt what he wanted (bearing in mind he had unprotected sex with my mum, no contraception failure or anything like that) I think the fact both you and your husband are essentially refusing to do anything about contraception, regardless of the fact you are open about not minding another baby, is really irresponsible and unfair on your existing child and any potential in the future.

it's not just about you two, if another baby came along and caused you to break up it affects your child/ren too. I think you seriously need to have an adult conversation about this, not just hope for the best and go for it anyway.

also, I dont genuinely see much difference in the diaphragm and a condom. yes okay its something you put inside yourself but you dont mind a penis with a condom on it going inside you? it just doesnt make sense to me. its very childish for you both to say no, I dont like it.

the hormonal contraception I totally get because I'm not going back on the pill after my son is born but me and my partner have had a grown up conversation about this and he is getting the snip. it's a real shame that you are both so flippant at the idea of bringing another baby into the world.

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 11:08

@Dddccc

Sorry but I think you both should just not have sex simply, a vasectomy is very hard to reverse, and on the condom front have you tried the female ones might be less uncomfortable, base line is you decided you want another child so stopped taking stuff
And he decided he didn't want another so can start doing stuff. What's the problem?
Bibidy · 20/07/2021 11:09

@vivainsomnia

Or you could say OP has done her time being solely responsible for contraception and now it's her DH's turn to pick up the torch??? Yes done when it suits her and demanding that he picks it up when that time comes, regardless of when it suits him. Why does one gets to dictate how and when one takes precaution.

How would people react if her OH decided that he had enough of working FT to support the family, so now is the time that she goes to work FT and he goes PT or does not work because he's done his part. Would this be acceptable? Of course not, but on MN, women get to rule the roost and make all the decisions that impact on everyone.

Of course there might be compromises. OP wears a diagram once, he accepts to wear a condom the next. OP keeps track of her cycle by doing ovulation tests so she knows when she is about to ovulate. He can then wear a condom then.

However, OP wants confirmation that she is in the right by taking no responsibility. Of course she is going to get most people agreeing on a site mainly used by women. I except she'd get very different responses on male forums. As already said, the only right thing to do is what is right to both of them.

I honestly don't think what you've said is comparable at all.

It's more like OP has been working full-time for years while her DH hasn't worked at all, and now she's saying she'd like him to take his turn earning the money!! I don't think anyone would say she's unreasonable for that.

Her DH has an easy and immediate option available to him in condoms, he could at least take his turn in using them as the main method of contraception for a while.

WeatherForecast · 20/07/2021 11:10

YABVU.

Don't let him inside you without a condom. Sorted.

Sure, you could keep having sex anyway and maybe end up with a baby unwanted by their feckless father who cba with contraception. Would that really be a desirable outcome? He is being a knob but you'd be equally in the wrong to continue as you are because 'well, he knows and could use contraception'. This isn't about point scoring or making a point, this is the potential life of a child here.

I do wonder if deep down you're hoping you do end up with another child. I wouldn't want to get pregnant with a man who didn't want another child tbh, regardless of how reckless and stupid he was being. Those aspects of his behaviour would make me even LESS inclined to want his baby.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 11:11

I think OP and her OH' marriage is already on the way out. He's told her that he doesn't want another child and this is making OP unhappy. She is retaliating by insisting she doesn't want to use or try any form of birth control, leaving it to him to either wear condoms, which impacts on his enjoyment of sex, or get a vasectomy, which is permanent.

Will he retaliate by using condom but making sex just about his pleasure and not care about pleasing OP? Will this lead to OP refusing sex, and will this in turn lead to her OH looking elsewhere?

Because sadly, that's often how things go.

Frootloops4life · 20/07/2021 11:11

Oh and those of you saying that the nhs won't give him one. They're less that 500 pounds privately.
Fucking bargain compared to the price of 18 years and uni.

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 11:12

It's more like OP has been working full-time for years while her DH hasn't worked at all, and now she's saying she'd like him to take his turn earning the money!! I don't think anyone would say she's unreasonable for that

Yes, the wife has had a job which has made her irritable, have mood swings, put on weight, stressed, bleed heavily, in pain, have acne and any of the other common side effects of women's birth control whilst the husband has done nothing and then moans at being asked to get an easy part time job which brings in the same money (has the same effect - protection against pregnancy).

Frootloops4life · 20/07/2021 11:14

@vivainsomnia

I think OP and her OH' marriage is already on the way out. He's told her that he doesn't want another child and this is making OP unhappy. She is retaliating by insisting she doesn't want to use or try any form of birth control, leaving it to him to either wear condoms, which impacts on his enjoyment of sex, or get a vasectomy, which is permanent.

Will he retaliate by using condom but making sex just about his pleasure and not care about pleasing OP? Will this lead to OP refusing sex, and will this in turn lead to her OH looking elsewhere?

Because sadly, that's often how things go.

Either he doesn't want a child so he gets a vasectomy.

Or he wants to have the option with a new partner one day. The op doesn't need to pollute her body so he can have the option of fathering a child with someone else

And if he cheats on her for having some autonomy, he's a shit. It's not her fault as your post would imply

Thomasina79 · 20/07/2021 11:14

Ask him if he would be willing to have a piece of copper shoved up his Willy with no anaesthetic, or to take artificial hormones for the next 15 or so years. He might decide condoms are not such a bad idea after all!

Frootloops4life · 20/07/2021 11:15

How many men are refusing the vaccine because of clot risk that's less that women take for birth control every day?

NeonDreams · 20/07/2021 11:17

Why are people going on about how it's unfair on the child? All a child needs is a parent who wants them and loves them. That's the OP. A child doesn't need a father to be happy, loved and wanted. Plenty of women deliberately go the single route, use sperm donors etc. As long as a child is loved and wanted by a parent, ie namely the mother, that's all anyone can ask for.

NB: I'm not suggesting she should do all she can to get pregnant, just saying that the 'the father has to want and love the child or else it's a massive disaster' is overwrought and nonsense. As plenty of single mums with loving relationships with their child/ren will attest.

Calmdown14 · 20/07/2021 11:19

At the heart of this, I think you do want another baby and he might too as he won't have the snip.
We were a bit like this. We were scared of upsetting what we had and in the end left it to date to decide.
Our DD is the best thing ever. Was truly wanted...but my OH had the snip three weeks after she was born!

StarryNight13 · 20/07/2021 11:20

You’ve told him you’re no longer taking contraception, so if he doesn’t want anymore children, it’s condoms, or a vasectomy for him. Birth control shouldn’t all be on you.
I stopped contraception after our third baby, my DH knew this and we used condoms until he had a vasectomy and his results came back clear for the following months after.
The only thing i’d worry about is bringing another baby into the world, if he really didn’t want another baby and the implications it could have on your relationship.

RavenclawsRoar · 20/07/2021 11:22

I love how some posters see a man who doesn't want a baby refusing to wear condoms or get the snip as entirely reasonable and not requiring any further justification, while a woman refusing to use contraception is jeopardising the relationship, needs to learn to compromise and is being irresponsible and selfish. Interesting! And it's the woman holding all the power here, is it? Doesn't look that way to me! Guess a man's right to ejaculate unimpeded is more important than a woman's right to have a say over what happens to her body. What else is new?

KirstenBlest · 20/07/2021 11:23

The OP has not posted on any other threads.

If @GreatBigArse, doesn't want to put anything in her body, she should add her DH's penis to that list.

Bibidy · 20/07/2021 11:23

I genuinely would say OP was being unreasonable to not try a diaphragm IF there was no available option for him except an op. But there is??

Condoms are the least invasive and least permanent option for both OP and her DH. There are loads of options and he could try a few out before dismissing them out of hand, since he doesn't want another child currently.

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 11:23

For the PP who keeps insisting I was happy to do it when it suited... No. I have NEVER BEEN HAPPY to take contraceptives. They played havoc with my emotions and moods for years. I bled a lot and then on top of that the GP refused to remove my implant for months despite me begging. I have tried things, this is not a refusal to try things at all, I have been on the pill, the mini pill too, I've had the implant, I've had the injection and all of them were horrid. This is a refusal to carry on trying things over and over again because I've been doing that for years and I've had enough.

As I said previously I did this automatically when I was younger as it just seemed like the done thing, you're a woman so you take the contraception. I didn't do it "happily". It's only been since being off them that I've stopped and thought that I don't have to go through that shit anymore and I've got the confidence to say that I won't do it again.

I'm not going to put something inside myself so that my husband has a better orgasm.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/07/2021 11:24

NeonDreams
People are mentioning the child because it's crap to be in a miserable home environment or feel like your dad doesn't want you even though he likes your older sibling, both are outcomes to consider before 2 adults decide to continue having unprotected sex.

always2tired · 20/07/2021 11:24

Let's say you do get pregnant and have a baby and you and your partner still have the same attitude towards contraception after the baby is born, how many children will you end up having 10?

Maggiesfarm · 20/07/2021 11:24

@GreatBigArse

A diaphram is NOT invasive. It's a bit of rubber you insert then remove. It's the equivalent of the condom

Do men have to put condoms inside their body? I must have been using them wrong in the past.

No but the condom goes into your body.

Try ovulation tracking.

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