To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

It's always a difficult one. I am one of those who had a copper coil and ended up with hideously heavy and painful periods, so I wouldn't recommend one. I also totally get why you don't want to be responsible for the contraception, though personally a diaphragm wouldn't worry me.

But this whole 'the poor men can't use condoms because it doesn't feel nice' thing gives me the rage, because let's face it, hormonal contraception also doesn't 'feel nice' (and a lot worse) to very many women.

There isn't an easy answer, but YANBU.

Women need to be more assertive about this stuff.
I agree.
I don't think two adults ignoring the fact they're highly likely to have an unplanned pregnancy whilst being on different pages regarding another baby is a woman being assertive. It's sitting back hoping for another baby whilst saying 'oh well if he is happy with the withdrawal method then so be it'. It's hardly a good dynamic for another baby.

However your partner has already told you he doesnt want children. So you cant be holding out on if you get accidentally get pregnant it all works out the same on his behalf. You are risking possible resentment between the two of you, relationship problems and a neglected child. I think its very selfish of you to take this risk and hope that he plays ball with it given he has made it clear to you. You arent respecting or taking hos wants seriously.

How come HE isn't the one risking resentment between the two of them? He's an adult, he knows how babies are made and he is the one who doesn't want another therefore if HE feels he'll resent his wife if she gets pregnant knowing she's not on contraception then HE should take responsibility for that and use something himself.

It's not unreasonable for you to not want to use those contraceptions. I've only ever used barrier methods - condoms or a cervical cap, until my spouse had the snip (in his late twenties).

It is unreasonable - for both him and you - to continue to have sex that risks pregnancy while this hasn't been fully resolved. Other types of sexual activity are available and his whole putting it on you to know if its "safe" would be laughable if the consequences weren't such an issue. I put more of the unreasonableness on him in that regard.

Being an unwanted child by at least one of my parents (and pretty sure the other was like you - didn't really care either way but didn't prevent it), and knowing others who exist because of this type of irresponsibility, even with the gentlest parents (which many eventually ended up not being in the long run, parenting is hard enough without the added factor of not wanting more of it), it more often than not comes out and is a head fuck for the resulting person. I recognize my own bias in that though, I can entirely get the frustration that it has to be on you when you're both involved.

Well this is my point. Why is it down to me to want to use any contraception. If my husband doesn't want a baby he can refuse sex or use condoms if he doesn't want the snip
It's not down to you only, nor him only, it's down to you as a couple. Just as it would be if one lost their job and this impacted on the ability to pay all the bills, or one fell ill and the current caring responsibilities needed to change. That's what being a couple means, not you or me, but us.

I agree with the previous post that this more about you wanting another child deep inside. If you didn't want another pregnancy as much as he doesn't, you would take different actions. You just need to discuss this more.

In your shoes, I would agree to try the copper, but made it clear that if that didn't work, he would have to accept condoms.

Op is ok with abstinence, and ok with pregnancy. It’s her DH that is not, and not ok with condoms and not ok with non penetrative sex.

OP and her DH have different priorities. She has taken a hit in previously having taken contraception. Totally reasonable for him to deal with it at least for a few years given his priorities.

YANBU. Despite what people here are saying the pull out method is a method, it’s just riskier than others but better than nothing (statistically at least). I am in a similar position but made clear from the start of our relationship I wouldn’t take contraceptives and why and that my preference was condoms.

The other thing is that you came along here asking a question.

You already know the answer in your own mind which is 'I am right'.

Why did you ask?

Only to get confirmation that your opinion is the right one, it seems.

Look into your communication with your DH.

It sounds pretty poor and I fear your marriage is not as good as you think if you can't talk about this and come to an agreement.

Of course I know the consequences. Most adults would I imagine. My husband knows them too.

You can't simply abdicate your responsibility for the consequences by saying 'my husband knows them too'. Obviously you SHARE responsibility when it comes to sex and potential pregnancy. So 50% of it is still yours - and I think personally you need to ideally talk to each other and figure out how to proceed; and in the meantime while there is the risk of an unwanted baby, personally if I were you I would say 'no' to sex unless one of you is using contraception, for example DH using a condom if you refuse to use any form at all.

Best to find some agreement on this with DH, as this issue will continue to exist even if you do have another baby, what then - if you and DH stay together, the issue of contraception v pregnancy will carry on.

A diaphram is NOT invasive. It's a bit of rubber you insert then remove. It's the equivalent of the condom. So if you won't even consider it, you are no better than your DH

Errm, inserting something into your body coated in spermicide which then has to be left there for hours afterwards is the very definition of invasive.

I found the diaphragm invasive and revolting.

Re your other point about coils. They work for some people but not for others. I always hated the mere thought of something like that being put into me but eventually agreed to try a mirena for it's apparently magical abilities to control heavy flooding periods. It was an utter disaster and made things much worse.

I can see his point that if he condoms really impact on his enjoyment of sex, you not wanting to even try the copper is being a bit selfish

I can’t believe the attitudes on their thread. You aren’t being selfish at all OP,

The only part I think is questionable is that you don't both instigate condoms, it doesn’t hurt you to remind him that’s you should use one!

YABU to say it's just about hormonal contraception, when in truth you object to all forms that require you to take action. I think you should be honest about your motivation (pregnancy)

I don’t think this is fair. I’m done with hormonal contraceptives and I am completely against the coil for myself. I wouldn’t even consider a diaphragm as an option, it’s less effective than condoms and you need to keep it in for up to 6 hours after sex. Then you have to dig it out afterwards. So much more faf than condoms.

Wanting to use condoms does not mean that someone wants to get pregnant. It generally means the opposite 🤣

@Namenic if op was okay with abstinence why is she still having sex with him? That's a form of contraception she is okay with therefore she should be implementing it, but she's not. So I doubt she truly is. Nothing has been stopping her from saying no.

If you didn't want another pregnancy as much as he doesn't, you would take different actions

She's been incredibly clear that she isn't as against another pregnancy as her husband is.

DH is adamant he wants no more children

Then he has the snip. End of.

You've been very honest with him about not taking any more contraception. The rest is up to him.

Why should contraception be solely down to you?

It is literally not up to anyone else to tell someone they are unreasonable to not put something into their own body for whatever bloody reason they want.

I have not said she should use a coil. Or a diaphragm. Or anything at all. Quite the opposite.

I said the explanation provided in her OP (I know this one person who got an infection) was a pisspoor way to make a decision about medical interventions. It really is.

There are lots of good reasons to avoid a coil, the biggest one being that you hope to get pregnant. A coil would be ill advised!

I found the diaphragm invasive and revolting

Well, that's one opinion anyway.

So why did you bother with it in the first place? Surely you knew what happened with it? You have to be fitted and shown how to use it. No one made you.

It's not a conversation that is repeatedly happening with DH or causing an atmosphere.

I think you're both burying your heads. Either you will carry on like this and not get pregnant or most likely you will. And then it will be to late to discuss it.

Obviously you SHARE responsibility when it comes to sex and potential pregnancy

Except men don't 9 times out of 10 do they? How exactly is the OP having the coil, or the implant, or a diaphragm or the injection or the pill, her husband sharing the responsibility with her? It's not. It's the woman taking it all, as usual.

Mini pill and withdrawal?

Can’t believe anyone would say you’re being unreasonable as you don’t want to use contraception. Your husband has 3 options if he doesn’t want another child. 1. Condoms 2. Vasectomy. 3 Abstain.

YANBU. At all. I can't believe so many people, are disagreeing with you or trying to talk you out of your decision.

Your DH has different options he can choose from as well. He's free to make his decision as you are to make yours. I completely agree with you.

As for those pushing diaphragms, I had one once briefly and they are shit. I remember having to coat it with lots of spermicide so it felt revolting. I then had to leave it in for much of the next day, which I hated

Agreed. They are messy, inconvenient and in my case really uncomfortable. I persevered for about 6 months by which time I was glad to see the back of it. I wouldn't have cared if it meant I never had sex again.

I said the explanation provided in her OP (I know this one person who got an infection) was a pisspoor way to make a decision about medical interventions. It really is.

Except it isn't. If you knew someone who'd had a severe reaction to something medical as in you actually knew the person, AND (as OP has said later on) had read from multiple women that they'd had side effects too being heavy and painful periods, would you really rush out to get one yourself?

Of course it's a valid reason.

Some very depressing comments and attitudes on this thread. Then people wonder why men are so entitled, yeah partly because some people want to pander to them so much! Inserting foreign objects inside you and / or lots of hormones. Because he doesn’t want to wear a condom?!
Or you can see it from the the side and women wanting things their way at all time. Happy to take hormones when it suits them to because they really don't want to be pregnant and want to be in control. Happy to stop when they want to be pregnant, then imposing that they don't go back on hormones because they still want to be pregnant and hope that it will happen somehow, which clearly won't if they do use hormones again.

There is no right or wrong, women or men's rights trump the others. This is about partnership working. I am not surprised so many relationships collapse when people are so tuned in their wishes and desires, and so quick to dismiss those of their partner using whichever justification to convince themselves that they are right.

The only thing that is right is the compromise reached by both together.

Wanting to use condoms does not mean that someone wants to get pregnant. It generally means the opposite 🤣

I agree! But OP doesn't want to use condoms, not really. She'd prefer nothing at the moment and that's all fine.

I am wondering how this plays out after she has the next baby, if she wants no more. Because then this situation is untenable.