To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

I don't mean this nastily, but it all sounds a bit childish.
What will happen if you get pregnant, you know there is a possibility every time you have unprotected sex?
I hope you & DH can come to some agreement.

Frankly. I don't think you two should be TTC if you cannot even work contraception working for both sides out.

There's always this Mumsnet oft-repeated truism, that contraception is down to the person who does not want a pregnancy - everyone responsible for ther own fertility. (So all those men shouting about 'but she said she was on the pill!' Hey, you didn't want a baby? Use a condom.)

So, right now, that's the dh. He needs to step up.

But OP's stance that she's not going to use any contraception only works so long as she wants another baby. The minute that she does not want to become pregnant, she has a problem.

Their unconvincing truce - he uses no contraception and neither does she and they both ignore the most likely outcome - only ends well if the OP is right in her self-described "naive" hope that he changes his mind and decides he wants the baby.

What happens after that baby, when the OP doesn't want any more and they are both still refusing all contraception?

For now, I suspect that if the dh actually booked a vasectomy, there would still be a problem (she would like another child).

Absolutely not your responsibility to put something in your body to prevent something you are fine with happening. If he chooses to have sex it is fully with the knowledge that a pregnancy might occur, presuming he understands basic biology. If, as your post states, you have discussed this with him then the risk is his. He is being incredibly unreasonable expecting you to be the one to prevent something HE doesn’t want.

Contraception has always been a shared burden for OH and I- and managed no accidental pregnancies in 5 year- all without the coil or hormonal contraception.
I don't want my OH to have a vasectomy and I don't much ( although OH doesn't mind them).
We have had a good contraceptive strategy for many years that has worked well for us, and shared the burden.

Yanbu

I do badly on contraceptions. They give me awful migraines. The coil hurt, and the dr didn’t want me to have the copper coil because of my anaemia.

Therefore it was condoms, no sex or the snip. Dh chose the snip.

You do not have to do anything to your body you don’t want to.

Contraception shouldn’t just have to be the woman’s choice

Have you thought about trying non penetrative sex?
You can still be very intimate, sexual and loving without actually having full penetrative sex. Is this something you and your partner would consider?
As you and your partner can't agree on what kind of contraception to use to me this seems like something that should be considered and would not run the risk of leading to pregnancy.

It sounds like you really do need to have a open and honest discussion with your husband about this and from what you've said it sounds like he's a decent enough guy and you can have this discussion properly. I think continuing to have sex - running the risk of pregnancy when you can't agree on having another child is not particularly responsible - but you are both equally responsible.

THat meant to say 25 years- not 5!

I have a similar issue as I'm allergic to all forms of contraception except condoms.
My DP does use condoms despite not liking them as he really didn't want another child. Unfortunately the one time he didn't use one I got pregnant.
He's been surprisingly open about the baby and seems to have just accepted it. I have told him he needs to sort out a vasectomy though (he was 'too scared' apparently) as if something goes wrong with this pregnancy I don't think id want to try for another.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum. He either agrees to use condoms every time, or he books in for the snip. If he's adamant he doesn't want another child then he needs to take more responsibility for preventing it.

Yanbu to not want to use any kind of contraception. I'm the same. 3 different kind of pills, 1 gave me sore arms and legs, 2 gave migraines. I hate the thought of anything else going into my body and messing up my cycles and hormones.
DH doesn't more anymore children, I'm the same as you (happy with one, would be ok with another). We use condoms. It's the responsible thing to do, doesn't affect anyone personally and stops us having a second when dh is still a firm no.
It's really on your DH to use protection

YANBU, OP. I’m similar to you in that I long ago decided I did not want any more artificial hormones, nor anything invasive. (The difference is DP was happy to use condoms, and also now we’re actively trying.)

I wonder if your DP secretly wants another baby but without the pressure of TTC and without the pressure of actively deciding to have one. Unless he’s very stupid – and why would you have sex with him if he were? – he knows it’s a possibility, and half-heartedly asking where you are in your cycle, when already having sex, is not exactly the (already fallible) rhythm method.

I notice though that it’s up to you again to track your cycles – so he won’t abstain, won’t use condoms, won’t get a vasectomy. It’s still on you. Obviously it’s easier for you to track but again, unless he’s particularly stupid he must surely notice, and can pay attention to, when you get your period, and when two weeks later (or whenever) you suddenly spring into action and start jumping table legs and lampposts. He’s choosing to be oblivious, I think, and isn’t as against baby No.2 as he says – he just can’t/won’t, for whatever reason, openly admit it.

@Naunet

So your friend thinks women should take contraceptives that make them feel shit, despite being ok with getting pregnant, because it’s what her husband wants, purely all so he can ejaculate inside her? Why does him not liking condoms, trump your right not to pump yourself with hormones? Nothing must get in the way of men and their orgasm it seems.

Fuck that. You’ve been very clear with your husband as to where you stand, if he’s 100% sure he doesn’t want another, then he needs to take responsibility for that.

This.

Op your friend is a judgemental misogynist. Ignore.

OP I 100% support you.

I had a coil and within 2 months it destroyed my health with a very serious infection.
It ook me years to throw it off and the immense amount of sntibioticsand invasive medical prodeures have riuned my health and almost destroyed me.

You are right not to want to put anything else invsive in your body.
I am now in my sixties so for me this troube went on approx 40 years ago.

I also begged to be steralized but wqs refused for being too young. I had one child and have never had another.
I knew what I wanted but male doctors would not listen.
We still do not have control over our own bodies.

I am pleased you are sticking to your guns.
It should not be just the woman's responsibility.

apologies for really rubbish typing.

You don't have to take hormonal contraception/have an IUD but you can insist he uses condoms if he wants to have sex with you for the sake of preventing an outcome that could cause a huge upheaval in your family surely? I think you would be unreasonable not to.
He is also being unreasonable not to.

Two things.

1. Your user name is very funny
2. You want a baby

That’s all. YANBU to expect your husband to take precautions if he does not.

The two of you are so busy passive aggressively staking out rights - neither of you are able or willing to clarify your responsibilities. The fact this isn’t being talked about is ludicrous. Let’s be clear, if you didn’t want a baby you would want him to wear condoms. You don’t feel you can say so because you’re both framing this in terms of independent choices. You need to be truly assertive and set that out, and work with a family planner such that he can decide his preferences overtly and share them.

Your refusal to have this conversation is a detriment to your child, and a potential second child. Please put them first.

[quote Frootloops4life]@nancywhitehead but the op did talk to her dh.[/quote]
Well, they've talked in that words have come out of their mouths.

They haven't actually had proper adult communication and reached a solution. Which is kind of what you need to do where the potential of bringing life into the world is concerned!

This sounds just like us a number of years ago. I made it very clear to DH that I was done messing myself up with taking the various hormones. We tried the cap but he didn’t like that I’d have to stop what we were doing, go out it in and come back.

All it took was a late period. I said if pregnant, not having a termination as we’d already spoken about it. He then made an appointment and got a vasectomy.

OP I recommend reading "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and learning to track your cycles. I stopped taking the pill in October 2019 and have been using the fertility awareness method since. It's actually really interesting being in tune with your body and learning about your cycles. If he really hates condoms that much you could just abstain from penetrative sex on your fertile days.

Are you sure you'd really be happy with him having the snip ? I know you said you're indifferent on the subject of another child. But that's not what I'm picking up.

@Lavender24

OP I recommend reading "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and learning to track your cycles. I stopped taking the pill in October 2019 and have been using the fertility awareness method since. It's actually really interesting being in tune with your body and learning about your cycles. If he really hates condoms that much you could just abstain from penetrative sex on your fertile days.

It’s another wife work, is it not? OP needs to track her cycle, OP needs to wee in a cup daily and keep the husband informed. Even then, OP takes the risks of an unwanted pregnancy and the husband gets to do fuck all.

You've explained to your husband and he knows the risks and it seems as though he is on board with what you are saying. I don't think you are unreasonable, it is your body and you have gave contraception a go and it doesn't agree with you.

I agree with everything you say OP and I could have written your post word for word. I do not want to take any contraceptive, I told him so while pregnant and in hospital after the birth and told him to sort contraceptive out if he didn't want another, that's 5 years down the line and he still has done sweet FA. Although I take no contraceptive and he won't use condoms its still down to me to track my cycle to ensure I am not in my fertility window so he can get his end away. He always asks if its safe too and I always reply with not 100%. He has just always been lucky that he has not got me pregnant and my tracking works. Like you say men/society always see it down to the woman to be responsible for contraception's and it really is not

We had baby no 4 after this situation.

After which, DH cottoned onto the fact that I meant I wasn't responsible for contraception and it was on him.

He had the snip when baby was 8 weeks old!