To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

I hate how it always seems to fall to the women.

The op has decided she doesn’t want to use contraception. Her body her choice remember.

If her dh wants sex it’s, condom, snip or the rather risky pull out method.

It’s about time men stepped up and dealt with their sperm, they cause the pregnancy. They just cnba and want care free sex and women put up with the horrible side effects from hormonal contraceptives.

What do people expect from the OP? Other than leave her husband? Let her current child see it's father every other weekend? What would a grown up do beyond having a conversation to say "I don't want to damage my body anymore?"

@NeonDreams

Why are people going on about how it's unfair on the child? All a child needs is a parent who wants them and loves them. That's the OP. A child doesn't need a father to be happy, loved and wanted. Plenty of women deliberately go the single route, use sperm donors etc. As long as a child is loved and wanted by a parent, ie namely the mother, that's all anyone can ask for.

NB: I'm not suggesting she should do all she can to get pregnant, just saying that the 'the father has to want and love the child or else it's a massive disaster' is overwrought and nonsense. As plenty of single mums with loving relationships with their child/ren will attest.

There's a big difference between a child being born to a solo parent, and a child being born to two parents where one doesn't want them.

Have you ever spoken to anyone who was abandoned by their father early or later in life? Who realise that they hadn't been wanted? Who was born into a relationship that later ended due to the strains of a child that wasn't wanted by both?

I take my hat off to single parents who do the hard work of raising a child when the other parent has decided not to bother. But please don't negate the real psychological effects it can have into adulthood if you are abandoned by or realise you were never wanted by one of your parents.

With respect, I think I'll take the body of research about the effects of fatherlessness on kids over a mumsnet comment calling it 'overwrought nonsense'. People do the best they can in the situation they're in, but if you can prevent a child being born to a parent that doesn't want them then of course you should!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father_absence

@vivainsomnia

It's more like OP has been working full-time for years while her DH hasn't worked at all, and now she's saying she'd like him to take his turn earning the money!! I don't think anyone would say she's unreasonable for that Of course it would be unreasonable because it's not an unilateral decision. Couples work together. They don't suddenly demand something of the other that they don't want just because it suits them at that time. That is indeed selfish behaviour.

Ultimately, I am not sure why your turned it around, again, because it's only acceptable when it's the woman making the demand?

But some things are more difficult not to decide unilaterally because they affect one person far more than the other. Ultimately it always comes down to that one person to decide.

This is one of those times, all of the contraceptive methods OP has tried have had negative effects on her. She should not be pushed to continue them purely because her DH says that's his preference, so he doesn't have to change anything himself.

He is not willing to take the one, easy option that works for them both. OP would not refuse to use condoms, but her DH does.

Struggling to see how your'e defending him not taking that option rather than OP having to take hormones or insert something into her body just so he doesn't have to do anything at all.

And you didnt want a baby and told your partner this but he didnt really pay any mind to this because he was flexible either way. He then ended up getting you pregnant because both of you prefer not to take contraception for your own reasons. It would end up horrific for you and you would of felt forced into the situation by him

Nope. Nope. Nope.

OP doesn't mind. OP's DH does. So he gets to have a vasectomy, wear a condom or no sex. In your analogy OP would have the choice of a range of contraceptives, hysterectomy or no sex. The one who doesn't want a baby is at the steering wheel here.

OP YA definitely NBU. Just keep reminding him that without contraception a baby is always a possible outcome. Then lie back and think of England

I'm not going to put something inside myself so that my husband has a better orgasm.

And I would extend that to his dick until the issue is better resolved.

The OP would not be having an unwanted child. She wants a child.

Either parent not wanting a child results in an unwanted child.

In this situation, we have one who is 'adamant' that he doesn't want one, and another who is happy either way and thinks that if the inevitable pregnancy happens that everything will be fine because "can't see him ever resenting his child. He absolutely adores his son. He is quite the gentle type really."

I know it's my bias, and I'm sure there are cases where it works out, but that raises giant red klaxons for me as so often it doesn't. Having been the child in that situation and knowing others who've had the same, I'm well aware it's a risky gamble when the consequences can be so severe on an innocent child - and, as an adult, as much as my mother is fully responsible for what she did in making sure I knew I was unwanted and eventually turning violent, I also hold my father - no matter whether he wanted another child or just didn't care - as being irresponsible and a bit heartless to have not handled his side of the contraception better when he knew the likely result with my mother and what was her very well known attitude towards kids & contraception. The ideal that she would love us because she was sweet didn't really pan out.

I completely agree the husband is being ridiculous to keep pushing for sex that risks pregnancy and asking BS like whether it's 'safe' and if the OP was the only one at risk then there wouldn't be an issue, but with a potential child at risk, then I think if contraceptions aren't a good option, then changing what sex happens becomes the best option because no amount of her ambivalence or even actively wanting a child is going to change the risks of having the other parent not.

But how do you compromise when it comes to contraception? How do you share responsibility for it? Either one party uses something either hormonal or invasive which comes with far more side effects or one uses a condom.

Many couples do both, and there is also the option to compromise on what sexual activities are an option. There are sex options that don't have pregnancy risks.

Some of the posts here are downright nasty and terrible!
Do not call for it OP. You have done your bit, including contraception, pregnancy and the risks it puts you through.
His turn now.
I absolutely do not get what he means by being too young for vasectomy? He is too old to have a baby as he has decided. So does he want to keep his options open for some other woman in case your marriage falls through?

It would be sensible to have a no condom, no sex rule until you both figure out what the best way forward is.

A lot of posters on this thread have written stuff that shows why misogyny is still alive and kicking in our society.

@Wheretobuy. 100% agree. It appears that women's health and comfort comes last as usual.

why dont you just not have sex until you can both have a grown up conversation about it?

frankly, it's really quite pathetic. like I said previously, i probably do feel stronger as the child of an absent dad who didnt want to be in my life even though he admits having unprotected sex with my mum, it actually makes me furious. more so with your husband who willingly acknowledges he doesnt want more kids but continues anyway but YOU know too. it's so so irresponsible.

But let's say you get pregnant and decide to keep the baby. You then have sex again - still no contraception? You could end up with a massive family. Or would your husband then have a vasectomy?

Just because a friend got an infection from a copper coil it doesn't mean you will, too. That's the option I'd go for, but then I hate condoms.

I feel the same as you. Contraception either doesn't suit me or I don't want to put things in my body, such as the coil.
I've recently gone back on the mini pill and I've bled for a month so far. It really pisses me off that I have to suffer all this.
Ive been referred to be sterilised, but I'm not holding much hope as I'm very overweight and have heard they won't do it if bmi over 33 of something like that which mine is. I had to argue with the doctor to refer me.
He asked me do I have my husbands permission and what if my children die.
I think it's disgusting that other people get a say in your body and fertililty!

DH is happy to use condom - but every time I go near a HCP I get hard sell for pill or coil they never want to talk about other options with me and dismiss all my previous bad experiences with hormones and worries about coil.

You need to talk to your DH again - and make it clear what his options are - as PP says He now has choices open to him. No sex, snip, condom or potential pregnancy.

I think cycle tracking might be worth looking into but really he needs to understand the situation

@HollowTalk

But let's say you get pregnant and decide to keep the baby. You then have sex again - still no contraception? You could end up with a massive family. Or would your husband then have a vasectomy?

Just because a friend got an infection from a copper coil it doesn't mean you will, too. That's the option I'd go for, but then I hate condoms.

You'd be fine with a bit of metal shoved up you but not a condom on a dick that you can't even feel?

Men get away with stealthing women because you can't feel the difference inside you.

I support you for wanting bodily autonomy but not for your flippant approach to having another child. Every child should ideally be wanted by both parents. You and DH need to grow up and either decide on having a baby or using a method of contraception.

This!
I won't take or insert any contraception ever again. We use condoms and when we've decided no more children then dh will have a vasectomy. No big deal

@Wheretobuy

A lot of posters on this thread have written stuff that shows why misogyny is still alive and kicking in our society.

Agree.

The amount of people who think OP should be taking hormones or having a coil put in instead of her husband just using condoms!!

Dosed up with hormones or a potentially painful and invasive medical procedure vs using a temporary piece of rubber for a few minutes to achieve the same result...........there is no contest here.

I'm sorry, but we are talking about a grown up, adult man here right? Not a teenager? A grown adult man who has children and understands where they come from? How stupid are all of your husbands if you feel you have to sit them down and explain this shit to them? Should you really be having kids with someone so dumb really?

He's been told she isn't taking contraceptive. He knows his options. He won't use them. It's all on him if they have another baby. Far as I'm concerned, he's accepted that risk. His problem.

Your body, your decision. He can make decisions about his body, or live with the consequences. I'm sorry but I think he's being an absolute dick.

Why don't you just look into natural family planning? You then know when you are safe to have sex without getting pregnant and if it does fail than its better than your current I have no idea when I am fertile response? Either that or just don't have sex with your husband!

What would a grown up do beyond having a conversation to say "I don't want to damage my body anymore?"

"As you don't want to wear condoms, get the snip, or another child, and I don't want to use hormonal or invasive contraceptions, let's discuss other sex acts we enjoy that have a lower-to-no risk of pregnancy."

I'm not suggesting she should do all she can to get pregnant, just saying that the 'the father has to want and love the child or else it's a massive disaster' is overwrought and nonsense. As plenty of single mums with loving relationships with their child/ren will attest.

A child growing up in a house with a parent who doesn't want them puts them at higher risk. This is well documented, regardless of which sex the parent who doesn't want the child is. It's not comparable to a single parent household with a parent who wants the child in the slightest.

My father possibly wanting me didn't protect me from my mother going on about how unwanted I was, what a burden I was, or her turning violent until I no longer lived in the same house as her. Living with either him or my grandparents too - whether or not any of them wanted me or just weren't bothered - wasn't enough protection. Living in a household with one loving or ambivalent parent and one who doesn't want you is still a headfuck. It was nothing to do, at least in my case, with the fact its the father in this situation.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. You're happy to have another baby, you're not lying to him about the lack of contraception on your side and you're a team, why should it all fall on your shoulders? It's also very unfeminist to suggest you should use contraception when you don't want to simply because the man doesn't want a baby or to use a condom.

Another alternative is to have loving, non penetrative sex for some of the time and penetrative only when you are sure you are not ovulating. We come back to you tracking ovulation but that is possible, is also non invasive.

I think have the conversation again and point out that condoms exist, and that (presumably) if you do get pregnant you will not be considering an abortion.

Maybe even buy some condoms so they are available - then if he chooses not to use them knowing the full situation spelled out, it's on him if anything happens and he must take absolute responsibility - with no grumpiness allowed either.

or, maybe consider the cap/diaphragm