To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

You should be discussing this with DH and making sure you are both comfortable. What your friend thinks really doesn't matter. I used pull out method for years without getting pregnant so if your DH is happy to minimize the potential pregnancy that way then carry on.

@Naunet

So your friend thinks women should take contraceptives that make them feel shit, despite being ok with getting pregnant, because it’s what her husband wants, purely all so he can ejaculate inside her? Why does him not liking condoms, trump your right not to pump yourself with hormones? Nothing must get in the way of men and their orgasm it seems.

Fuck that. You’ve been very clear with your husband as to where you stand, if he’s 100% sure he doesn’t want another, then he needs to take responsibility for that.

These are my thoughts on it too

It's more like OP has been working full-time for years while her DH hasn't worked at all, and now she's saying she'd like him to take his turn earning the money!! I don't think anyone would say she's unreasonable for that
Of course it would be unreasonable because it's not an unilateral decision. Couples work together. They don't suddenly demand something of the other that they don't want just because it suits them at that time. That is indeed selfish behaviour.

Ultimately, I am not sure why your turned it around, again, because it's only acceptable when it's the woman making the demand?

I know they are not 100 per cent but just insist he uses a condom. Have some ready in bedroom.

Neither your YANBU nor YABU options reflect my thoughts. It's 100% your choice not to use contraception yourself, but you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected unless you would be willing to accept the consequences of getting pregnant with a child he doesn't want. If that future would be a bad one - and it sounds like it would - then the choices are "he uses contraception" or "you don't have sex", otherwise you're just inviting disaster.

And I'd be the same the other way too if something my husband reluctantly had to put inside his body improved my orgasm, I wouldn't let him do it just for that!

To clarify my husband is in agreement with me not taking anything hormonal / invasive. He appreciates what I've been through when doing so previously and doesn't want me to do that again.

I think he'd be happy to continue with something like tracking if my cycles were able to be tracked but they are a bit of a mess right now.

Have you had a discussion about what you will do in the event of another pregnancy? Is he expecting you to get an abortion if it fails?

If he doesn’t want more kids then it’s up to him to make sure that doesn’t happen. I also refuse to use any kind of hormonal contraception because it makes my depression worse and I don’t want to risk the coil. My partner understands and knows it’s condoms only until he gets the snip otherwise it’s no sex at all.

@NeonDreams

Why are people going on about how it's unfair on the child?

A split wouldn't be a great outcome for the child they already have. But if they're going to split over this anyway, then yes of course OP could love and provide for her very wanted baby. I would hope the older dc would still have Dad an active part of his life.

They don't suddenly demand something of the other that they don't want just because it suits them at that time. That is indeed selfish behaviour.

I've not demanded anything. If my husband doesn't want to have sex because he can't bring himself to use a condom then that's a shame but that's up to him, I'm not going to force him to do anything.

Your DH is being unreasonable, irresponsible and childish.

You are being unreasonable, irresponsible and childish.

It baffles me that grown adults behave like this. It’s not an argument over who takes the bins out this is a decision (or rather NON decision) about having a child.

Your husband is an idiot but you are deliberately trying to have a baby with him. That’s sketchy as shit. You can’t control him being stupid but you can control what you are doing. You need to discuss this and make an actual decision.

Have you had a discussion about what you will do in the event of another pregnancy? Is he expecting you to get an abortion if it fails?

I have told him I would not entertain the idea of an abortion.

I think he'd be happy to continue with something like tracking if my cycles were able to be tracked but they are a bit of a mess right now
Use ovulation tracking sticks. They are cheap and quite accurate.

@GreatBigArse

For the PP who keeps insisting I was happy to do it when it suited... No. I have NEVER BEEN HAPPY to take contraceptives. They played havoc with my emotions and moods for years. I bled a lot and then on top of that the GP refused to remove my implant for months despite me begging. I have tried things, this is not a refusal to try things at all, I have been on the pill, the mini pill too, I've had the implant, I've had the injection and all of them were horrid. This is a refusal to carry on trying things over and over again because I've been doing that for years and I've had enough.

As I said previously I did this automatically when I was younger as it just seemed like the done thing, you're a woman so you take the contraception. I didn't do it "happily". It's only been since being off them that I've stopped and thought that I don't have to go through that shit anymore and I've got the confidence to say that I won't do it again.

I'm not going to put something inside myself so that my husband has a better orgasm.

HEAR HEAR.

You have explored the choices open to you.

He now has choices open to him. No sex, snip, condom or potential pregnancy.

It's as simple as that. He has to choose one of those things, because all other options have been exhausted. And none of his options is anything like as bad as years and years of hormonal contraception, or having to mess around with fiddly icky intrusive objects inside your body.

I’d recommend a trip to you family planning unit, have a chat about alternatives that may work for you, diaphragm maybe?... I don't want anything invasive.

Go together. Both of you. A family planning unit will talk through all the family planning options with both of you. Invasive and non-invasive, you and him.

It's not a conversation that is repeatedly happening with DH or causing an atmosphere.

There's going to be one hell of an atmosphere if you get pregnant.

This is a mess. He is making no effort, so maybe that means your DH wont mind if you get pregnant and that he will accept it and will be "mild" about it. Or you could be in for a nasty shock, because maybe in his mind it is still your repsonsibility and it will be all your fault if you get pregnant. Right or wrong that is no atmosphere to bring a baby into, so why take the risk?

He went away and said he was thinking about the snip then said he didn't want to do that. I'm not sure how much clearer I can be.

He has not said what he does want to do. Unless you want an accident and are prepared for him to get nasty about it, put sex off limits until he decides what to do instead.

Yanbu at all not to want to take hormonal contraception.
But in your situation would a cycle tracking app not be a good shout? I'm using one for the opposite reason, ttc, but I used it for years before I wanted to get pregnant to pinpoint when we had to be extra careful. I was the same in that I tried the pill and absolutely hated it.

I never used any kind of contraception except condoms. I have read so many stories on here of women having horrendous experiences with the pill, coil and implants.

he knows I won't be getting an abortion if it happens and he's still having sex therefore he has agreed to take the risk of another baby surely

It sounds simple enough, but you owe it to this possible future baby to be more explicit than that. Don't just assume he's acting logically. Have the actual conversation - get him to ACTUALLY agree to take the risk of another baby, and promise he'll fully accept his parental responsibilities, or no unprotected sex.

@vivainsomnia

It's more like OP has been working full-time for years while her DH hasn't worked at all, and now she's saying she'd like him to take his turn earning the money!! I don't think anyone would say she's unreasonable for that Of course it would be unreasonable because it's not an unilateral decision. Couples work together. They don't suddenly demand something of the other that they don't want just because it suits them at that time. That is indeed selfish behaviour.

Ultimately, I am not sure why your turned it around, again, because it's only acceptable when it's the woman making the demand?

You don't owe anyone your vagina. Stop comparing the ops vagina to a job. It's really misogynistic and gross

** Your DH is being unreasonable, irresponsible and childish.

You are being unreasonable, irresponsible and childish.

It baffles me that grown adults behave like this. It’s not an argument over who takes the bins out this is a decision (or rather NON decision) about having a child.

Your husband is an idiot but you are deliberately trying to have a baby with him.**

^Great post. OP you need to grow up.

You are me.

I was on the pill for years and then decided I didn’t want any more hormones put into my body. I did get a diaphragm but never really used it as it was a faff. We used condoms. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I had got pregnant.

Dh knows the risks he’s taking and he knows you’d be ok if you got pregnant. It’s up to him now.

@vivainsomnia

I think he'd be happy to continue with something like tracking if my cycles were able to be tracked but they are a bit of a mess right now Use ovulation tracking sticks. They are cheap and quite accurate.

Or don't piss in cups daily and get him to wear a condom

It’s not a casual relationship, they have talked about it. What more do people want her to do. He has a brain.

This makes me so angry. Why do men insist they don't want any more children but then refuse to use condoms or have a vasectomy? Why is the woman so often expected to have something inserted inside her or take medication that messes with her hormones, possibly makes her gain weight and increases risk of blood clots, breast cancer etc? Woman-focused contraceptives are pretty invasive and not without side effects. Condoms might lessen the sensation a bit for men. It is so unbelievably selfish. Covid has prevented my husband from having the snip yet, but I'm so glad he understands that after 3 children and years on hormonal contraceptives, it is now his turn to take responsibility.

@GreatBigArse

Have you had a discussion about what you will do in the event of another pregnancy? Is he expecting you to get an abortion if it fails?

I have told him I would not entertain the idea of an abortion.

That's not really a discussion though is it?

I fully support your body your choice, you are fine with getting pregnant so it shouldn't be down to you to manage contraception and he's fully aware.

But reality is a more complex beast and if you end up pregnant you could find yourself wishing you'd talked through the what-ifs.

"Well you knew what you were doing" and holding the moral high ground isn't going to compensate a (potentially) destroyed marriage and a (potentially) messed up child because the father didn't want it.

You have an obligation to everyone - including DC1 - to have an adult conversation here about the "what if".

YANBU to not want to take any contraception and your husband is a bit BU not to use condoms if he's so adamant he doesn't want another child.

But communication here doesn't sound 100% perfect - I feel like you're both playing on different terms, he's asking 'if it's a safe time' or whatever, assuming that that absolves him of responsibility and you're seemingly setting up a faux-naive 'well, I assumed you knew it was a possibility' in case of a pregnancy. Neither is best practice communication - have a proper chat where you say what you've said here, that you're operating under the assumption he's actually happy there's a chance of another child given his not using condoms. My guess is that he'll say "I'm absolutely not, I asked if it was a safe time" or something - so I think it's worth being absolutely crystal clear with one another about the assumptions you're both acting under rather than assuming he's happy with the risk and him doing the bare minimum to be able to turn round and say "well I pulled out/asked if you were fertile" in case of a pregnancy, in which case you're going to feel annoyed and unsupported and he's going to (claim to) feel as though you've not told him the risks.

Honestly though it sounds like he's not deliberately being an idiot, just being a bit hopefully pretend-stupid about the possibilities because he doesn't want to have any tiny amount of inconvenience... well, welcome to being responsible for contraception pal, it's a compromise somewhere or other!